Thursday, August 28, 2008

DE ain't easy

This DE thing is really complicated. There are lots of steps, lots of people to pay, may things to figure out, do, wait for someone else to do. Kind-of a stresser.

Test cycle

Easy-peasy. I wrote about that before. Basically take one estrance pill 3 times a day and 1 baby aspirin a day. CD9 blood test, CD 16 u/s and blood test. Maybe some more u/s-blood work after that but probably not if the lining looks good. Pretty easy and not too expensive. The only issue I seem to have will be remembering to take a pill 3 times a day.


I need to make and appointment with a therapist for both Paolo and I. Once we do that the therapist will contact our clinic.

Retaining the donor/Donor Bank Screening

Ok here is where things get more difficult. I already have a donor I like and she's available. I thought it was all sewn up. Silly me. It's just the beginning.

Once we retain the donor (once we pay them $7,750) they will get the psychological screening and genetic screening underway. That should take about 2-3 weeks. If she fails those or chooses to drop out before the medical screening begins we get 100% of the money back.

Medical Screening

After those are completed my Dr. will get her medical records from her previous cycle. Then she will undergo my clinic's screening process which included:

- no tattoos or piercings in the past 12 months
- cystic fibrosis
- fragile x (can take up to 8 weeks for to get results)
- STD's
- HEP's
- other infections diseases

If she fails any of these she's out. Forever. Even if it's a treatable STD or if it's a false positive (like the false positive they gave Mr. Peevme for Hep B a few months ago..Jack asses)

Plus I want my Dr. to look at her previous cycle very carefully. I don't know how long ago that successful cycle was. The donor is 30 so she's getting close to being too old to donate.

We get to pay for all these tests.

If she does not pass the medical screening we get 75% of our money back.

Once she passes their screening we pay the Donor's compensation (7K since she is proven).

Legal Contract

After we are ready to go we get a legal contract between the Donor and us. That should run about $1,000. The legal contract has to be completed by the time she starts stims.

Testing, Monitoring

My clinic says that all testing, screening, monitoring has to be done at their clinic. Even stupid blood tests have to be with their lab. But she lives about 2.5 hours away. I thought she could go somewhere else and just drive here for ER. This may be a problem. I would not want to do that if I were her.

I may consider switching to a clinic closer to her. It would be easier for me to do the driving especially if she's not willing to be our donor if she has to drive here for all her monitoring.

No guarantee's

So you see there are a few hurdles to get past. Things could unravel at any point in the process. Even after all that we may not end up with a baby.

For some reason I have been thinking about this as a slam dunk. More than that...a slam dunk with frozen embryos for future siblings or twins. I have been assuming I'll get two little babies out of this. I have to remember I may not even get one baby let only two.

This is all very unnerving. All of it. From start to finish there isn't one thing about this process that is easy or secure. It feels like such a crap-shoot. A really, really expensive crap shoot.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

In our spare time

About 2.5 years ago we bought a commercial building as an investment. The only thing we could afford was a run-down building in a run-down town. The town has a rustic charm (I'm being really, really kind here). It's the kind of town where on a Sunday morning the coffee shop is not open but the bar is. IT;s a real "wild-West" town. The town can seem a bit rough but it's a real community and the people are wonderful. Mr. Peeveme has been developing the property for the past few years. Everyone in town knows him. Sometimes he can't get work done because people are always stopping by to say hi and see how the building is coming along. The town where we live...we don't know anybody. Nobody stops by to say hi.

The town has a long history. It's the site of a California mission. It was a popular railway stop to pick up cattle from the many large cattle ranches outside of town. It has a military base near-by. It's now part of the wine-growing/tourist industry. The town has had many lives but it's been a long time since it was thriving and it's certainly seen better days. It's pretty much just getting by but hoping for better things just ahead....kinda-of like us.

The building we bought is the old 1950's theater. The mother/daughter owners ran a coffee shop out of the front after the movie business went under when the town's population plummeted during the post-WWII era. The large theater just sits vacant. They owned and operated it for decades. The daughter sold it to us when her mother died and she wanted to retire. The daughter (who must be about 70) lives down the street and stops by now and again.

We are doing the building in phases because 1) we don't have enough money to do the whole renovation at once and 2) the town would not be able to sustain that many retail/office spaces. So the front of the building (the former lobby) will house two businesses.

The renovation cost 50% more than we thought it would and has taken about a year longer than expected. We ran out of money so for about 6 months no work was done while we waited for a loan (and you know what the loan market has been like).

Just because we do not have enough debt, stress, or things to do we decided to open a business in one of the spaces. So in addition to his real job, and his developer side-job, Mr. Peeveme has also been opening a laundry. It's taken forever but it looks like we are ready to open very soon.

I can't tell you how hard Mr. Peeveme has had to work. Research, permits, dealing with the County, fire department, engineers, architects, construction crews, financing, buying washing machines and dryers, drainage, inspections and a million little details that I don't even know about. I am so proud of him.

The second space is not rented yet. Not many people opening new businesses right now with the economy the way it is. But if we can get the laundry running it will help the cash-flow situation a-lot. It would a good boost both to us and the town.

People from my tribe lived at this Mission so I have always felt a kinship with the place. Mr. Peeveme also feels a closeness with the town. For some reason it has just drawn us both in. We can see past the roughness, the empty lots and vacant buildings. In fact, we kind-of like that about the town.

If you are ever driving the 101 North of San Luis Obispo get off at San Miguel and drive through town and stop by and say hi. Visit the Mission and grab a cup of coffee at the old 1930's gas station converted into a cafe. It's one block to the right of our building. Unless it's Sunday morning in which case you'll have to have a beer at the Elkhorn.



Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Lots of things going on but no time to write about them. Just some sneak previews for you.

1)Step-son moved out yesterday because he is 18 and knows everything wants to move across the country. The College he wants to attend is there. I have not written about my adventures in custodial step-mom-hood. Mostly, it would just be a huge list of non-stop complaints which would make me sound all petty and bitchy. But if you have not lived with a teenager you should not judge! If you have not been a Step-parenting is hard. It's harder than you can imagine. It's one of those "had to have been there" things. Sort-of like infertility. Only you are infertile and raising somebody else's kid. Anyhoo, I'll have to write about it someday now that it's not a constant source of pain-in-the-ass-ness.

2)Commercial building renovation project mostly compete. Our new business in said building is going to start soon. GRAND OPENING Sept 6th. Weee. I'll need some help planning this. So please collect your thoughts on what the hell happens at a grand opening of a laundry. And where can I get a pair of huge novelty scissors?

3) This DE thing make IVF look like an unmonitored clomid cycle! It's like 100 times more complicated and worrisome and expensive. So many things could go wrong at any time. Every step of the way is uncertain and expensive...did I mention the expense?

Monday, August 25, 2008

Test cycle begins

Today is CD1 and so begins my test cycle. We need to put me on the same meds I will be on during a DE cycle to know how my lining reacts. Here is what I'm in for:

Starts meds CD3
Take oral estrogen 3 pills a day
Take 1 aspirin a day
Blood test cd9
u/s and blood test cd 16
Once my LP starts I take oral progesterone

That's it. Piece of cake.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


If a girl's gotta get a BFN on her last IVF with her own eggs she could not choose a better time than ICLW! Yay empathetic comments!

To tell the truth I'm surprised and disappointed that I am not pregnant. I thought when push came to shove things would work out even if I did have to work harder, spend more money, be tougher than the average person is called-on to be. After all that work and faith I thought that in the end it would all work out. For most people it does. Most people, after multiple IVF's, do get pregnant. The only thing about IVF that scared me was the fact that it was the last chance. And now it's over and I've been unsuccessful. At times I burst out in tears (rarely). Other times I am more analytical. Right now my current mood is: mope (mope-y?, mope-ish?)

I wish to write openly about the next phase of this venture. I can't do that and remain open about my identity. I'll be making changes to this blog. Need to remove names, pictures and other identifying information. If you use g.o.o.g.l.e r.e.a.d.e.r I apologize if you get many updates from me that are not new posts. It's just me editing old posts and re-publishing.

I think my family deserves some privacy while I do my emotional/spiritual work.

Null hypothesis

I'm usually pretty good with facing down disappointment. I take it in, accept it and move on. I like to POAS early because it prepares me for disappointment. With each negative I can calculate with increasing accuracy the likelihood that I am or am not pregnant. By Day 13 it's abotu 95% accurate (and in my experience it 100% accurate). I can handle disappointment pretty well; it's the not knowing I can't take. I hate suspense. I hate false hope. I find false hope a weakness. An inability to suck it up and face reality.

Which is why I'm so mad at myself right now. I have this little, tiny, niggling of...maybe. I'm trying to just close my mind off from the possibility but the tests....those damn-free HPT tests. You know the kind that they throw in with the Ovulation Predictor Kits? I used one on Wednesday morning. It was negative. But then I noticed the evaporation line. I know, I know you are never supposed to look at the test after the 3 mins is up. No real color to it but there is a shadow where the line should be. I know it means nothing....but that did not stop me from staring at it all day. It was enough to make me damn my botox injections because I could not squint effectively. It's THAT faint. An evap line is not a pregnancy...especially at 13dpo. But I never have gotten and evap line before without some HCG in my system. But, But, But pthththththth!

I would not have mentioned this at all if not for the shenanigans that were afoot in my bathroom this morning. I had another chance to get that 100% confirmation of negatively before the blood draw, right? Surely, it would be negative and I'd know that all was settled.

I got NO lines. So not only does my urine lack HCG but it now lacks well...urine, I guess. Are you fucking kidding me? A defective test? Seriously? For reals? It was another one of those free-bee's. Serves me right for being such a lazy cheap-ass. I guess it would have been too much effort to go and buy some pregnancy tests. No I'll just use these free ones that have been under my sink for goodness knows how long and have a HCG sensitivity of 50 instead of some good test that have an HCG sensitivity of 25 or less. Having just spent 16K (over 30K since April) on IVf I'm sooo glad I saved myself $20!

What was I thinking not having at least two boxes of FREDs in the house? What kind of self-confessed stick pee-er am I?

I'm not writing about this to get some "there's still hope" comments. Please, please do not do that. Do not egg me on. I just wanted to get it out. I want to be able to read how ridiculous I am being and talk myself down from that bit of maybe that I have let creep into my mind. I don't even think there is any possibility that I am pregnant. I just need my null hypothesis rejected.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

10dp3dt (13DPO)....OK, DE it is....

I wish I had better news. Miraculous news. The type of news that would make me an internet legend. The type of news where my negative pregnancy tests at 11dpo and 12dpo reversed themselves and HCG made an unlikely and amazing comeback. Alas, I will not be an internet legend. Per usual, I am the mean, not the outlier.

With a negative pregnancy test at 13dpo I think we can safely call IVF #2, the last with my own eggs, a failure. Thank you so much for your thoughts, good wishes and comments. It helps a lot. I know I am not alone and that helps me so much. You understand everything I am going through so much more than anyone I know IRL.

I'm staying home today with my little girl. She is the best medicine. So grateful for her. My heart really goes out to those struggling with primary infertility.

I will start moving forward with DE right away. I know it will take months to set up and at the end of the day all I really want is to be pregnant and build my family. I am so, so sad that I don't get to do what seems like a god -given right. At the same time I'm grateful for what I do have. I'm grateful for the science that allows me to still move forward even if it's not my first choice.

In addition to all the medical, financial, logistical and legal issues I will have to nail down in the next few months I will also need to work on the emotional/spiritual aspects of DE. The other things are pretty much cut-and-dry steps to follow. The emotional/spiritual road is a less clear to me.

In a lot of ways I have been doing that work for months. I have been really thinking about what it is to me a mom. What is family. What is heritage. Privacy. Stigma. Shame. Selfishness. Selflessness. Sacrifice.

Much to think about. Much to write about. Much to just sit with.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

9dp3dt (12DPO)

Another negative this morning.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Still early but not looking good 8dp3dt (11dpo)

Negative test this morning. I know, still early but at least the blow (potential blow?) had been softened. If it turns around then nobody will happier or more surprised than me.

I think I caught another cold. WTF? I was starting to feel better...getting to the phlegm/cough part of the cold and now my throat is sore again. We went to a play on Saturday night and it was outdoors. Usually, in the middle of August it's nice and warm outside at night. This summer's very cool weather (in Nor Cal) meant that it was cold and damp and despite many, many layers it did nothing for my cold. In fact, I think the old cold has been delayed from getting better and I might have another cold layered on top for extra suckiness. I spent much of the weekend in bed...which is UNHEARD of for me. I never lay down...ever. I was feeling so run-down I could not get out of bed for much of the day on both Saturday and Sunday. Usually, the call of a toilet in need of scrubbing has much more allure.

I hate to complain but two colds and a negative pregnancy test makes me feel kind-of sorry for myself.

Plus, it's my annual "get passed over" day at work. So that's always fun. Since this is not an anonymous blog that is all I should say about it. But, of course, I will say more cuz that blurting problem of mine extends to the written word. Let's just say I wont be adding any plagues to my wall this year. "Get Passed over" being an annual event, this is not a real surprise. I'm like the Susan Lucci of the Employee-award-world except without the throngs of people acknowledging you've been robbed. I lack throngs.

Also, I think I may, indeed, be invisible. I know! How else is it that I was left off two, TWO separate presentations, created by two separate people, in which team-members of certain initiatives were publicly acknowledge for their contribution? I'm sure I was at all of those meetings. I even crunched and presented data to one of the initiatives. Seriously, this is like a personal-best for "get passed over day" for me. I am the super-hero of losers completed with a super-power (unintentional invisibility).

OMG, maybe my second line is just invisible? Three top-graded embys and none of the implanted? Yes, invisibility seems to answer a whole lot of sad-sack mysteries.

It's only noon so there is time for a) the day the get better thus establishing an equilibrium (ha!) 2) the day could get worse (please no, even I have my limits. Let's save a little suck for next week shall we?)

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Bad time for a cold...4dt3dt (7DPO)

I have a cold. There is nothing I can do about it so according to the rules of freaking out...I can not. I'm still very pissed and somewhat sad because I happen to think that having a cold is probably a bad thing during the 2WW. My immune system is fighting foreign bodies right now and I just happened to have put in 3 foreign bodies a few days ago.

I'm 9 days past trigger. I think I will POAS tomorrow to test to see if the trigger is out yet.

Testing will commence 8dt3dt (11DPO) which is Monday. I shall pee once a day until Beta. I will actually pee more often than that. I will pee once a day on a stick to be more exact.

BTW...have Kiwi's always been this good? I don't remember liking them particularly. Suddenly I can't get enough.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Girl Most Likley to...Part 3

...not throw someone under the bus even when they do it do her: I had a best friend in high school. We were very close. We met at summer camp when we were 12 and spent all our time together. I trusted her with everything. Sure, she flirted with my boyfriends but it was harmless right? Sure she had a bad reputation but she swore up and down she didn't sleep with all those guys and I believed and defended her for years. The year after high school I found out not only was she a slut but she also MADE OUT with MY BOYFRIEND at a party in front of all my friends. I was at that party but I guess I was off somewhere else when it happened (not at-all-drunk or anything). Years later, while I was in college, I saw her and invited her up to my apartment to catch up (letting bygones be bygones). The whole time she shamelessly flirted with my new boyfriend!

It was so pathetic I couldn't even get mad at her. That kind of craziness is something you pity. I can't even be mad because it's so pathetic.

I went to the reunion looking forward to seeing her, hoping she wasn't so crazy anymore and 100% not going to call her out for making out with my high school boyfriend. No axes, just fun!

I walk up to her, tell her who I am and she introduces me to her husband in a loud voice, "And this is Peeveme, who kissed my younger brother." And she was all pissy about it. The kind of pissy where you pretend to be all "ha ha" but it's clear it's been bothering you for a long time. Oh, and my husband was standing right there! The nerve! If anyone has a beef it's me and I was willing to overlook her HUGE betrayal. Plus you don't say stuff like that in front of someone's husband. You just don't. Not cool. That's like a code-red violation of coolness. Not that I'm cool but even I know you don't throw someone under the bus in front of their spouse.

BTW, yes I did kiss her brother. More than once. What? He liked me and he was cute. I guess it bothered her but seriously, brother-kissing vs. making out with best-friend's contest there.

I could have thrown her right under the bus in front of her husband ....but I did not. How do you accuse someone of making out with your boyfriend without it getting ugly? I know she deserves it but why make something ugly when all I wanted to do was have a good time? Besides, none of it is of any consequence anymore. I have moved on. So, in observance of the rules of cool and operating under my prime directive (have fun) I did not mention her knack for sluttiness or boyfriend-stealing. But I did want to zap her a bit.

So I said, "Oh, I didn't just kiss your brother, we made-out all through high school. In fact, half the time I was over your house I was looking to hook up with him." That's a bit of an exaggeration but it was fun to say. I didn't throw her under the bus but I totally tweaked something that bothered her which made me feel better. Hey, I'm not perfect. I wanted to have fun, not win Miss congeniality. While I am not a cruel person I am mischievous one.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Girl Most Likely to....Part 2

...make others feel good: Even if I did not remember someone or was not friends with them in high school I made sure to be very interested in them, ask what they had been up to, where they lived, tell them they looked great, meet their spouse, ask the names of their children. How hard is it to be kind? I felt like shit the few times someone "passed" over me so I made sure not to do it to anyone. At least 3 people actually thanked me. They were nervous about coming, not sure if anyone would talk to them, and they thanked me for making them feel good about coming. It's not like I was Homecoming Queen or even that popular but it feels good when someone takes the time to be interested in you. I was just treating people the way I hoped to be treated and it worked. Just practicing my power to make an astonishing difference.

...have secret crushes revealed: No fewer than 4 direct crushes and 1 indirect crush was revealed. I shit you not! Paolo started to get worried when conversation after conversation shifted into, "I have to tell you I used to have the biggest crush...." Kind-of nice for the old ego.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Transfer day

Out of the six we have:

2- 2 cell
1- 4 cell
1- 6 cell
2- 8 cell

Putting in the top 3.

Happy. Hopeful.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Girl Most Likely to...Part 1 *Updated with Before/After pics**Sorry, pics had to go away.

The reunion was a blast. A good time was had by all...mostly me! I went with the attitude that I was just going to have a good time, no stress, no axes to grind and I did just that. For the most part everyone was cool. A few people still completely stuck on themselves. The mean girls were still mean but I found it amusing.

I have segmented my stories into variations on the theme: Girl most likely to:

...see her RE at Dinner:
OK this has nothing to do with the reunion other than it happened while I was having dinner with Paolo before the reunion started. The restaurant is about an hour away from the RE's office so imagine my surprise to see my RE (he needs a name so I'll call him Dr. Professional) hangin' at the Mojito bar. He was with about 3 other couples. So, of course, I get up to say hello and have to weave my way through his gang of RE's. Now, I'm a complete social dork. "Awkward in a social situations" pretty much covers who I am but my RE take the cake. He immediately starts to ask me if I got the messages, take the same meds....basically goes over my IVF instructions right there at the mojito bar. So since he's all awkward, I get all awkward and blurt out that I'm going to my 20-year reunion. Thankfully, I stopped right there and didn't say anything too embarrassing. I almost told him to go on over there and hand out some business cards cuz there was a whole room full of women pushing 40 down the street. Thankfully, I did not. I did confess that I was having a glass of wine. Why? Because I must blurt things out to make any awkward situation even worse! I simple must.

At first he did not recognize me. And I DID NOT say "You probably don't recognize me with my pants on". Although it popped into my mind and I THANKFULLY edited myself. I'm so proud of myself because I usually say that kind of stuff out loud!

...not be recognized: Apparently, I look different. I will try to scan in an old photo of myself for your inspection. I look NOTHING like I did back then. This is no surprise. I knew this. I just was not prepared for how people would react. It made me feel kind-of bad for two reasons. 1) nobody came up to me. Which is hard at a reunion. I was starting to feel like nobody wanted to talk to me. Turns out they had no idea who I was. So I had to make all the first moves but once I did it was ok. 2) Was I that bad in high school?

...not be under-dressed: What's with all the slacks and Tommy Bahama shirts? Dudes, this is a 20 year reunion at the nicest hotel in the area. Even many of the women were kind-a casual. While I was not out of place I was certainly one of the most dressed-up folks there. Seriously, there were more than one pair of jeans. JEANS!

When I first got there I used the bathroom and there were two women dressed to the nines. I asked if they were here for the 20-year reunion. They were like: "We're 23". Whoops. Sorry. But then I made friends by telling them that I wished they were here for the reunion because I felt over dressed and they classed up the joint. After that they loved me. They agreed that everyone was far too casual and that I look AWESOME and that I still "got it" so I should "flaunt it". Then I told them to hurry and get out of here cuz they looked too good and would steal my thunder. I really did say that cuz again I am a blurter!

Part 2 coming up...


As of this morning I have six that fertilized normally. 5 out of the 7 were mature but one of the immature ones fertilized. No more word until Sunday, the day of transfer. Seems like other clinics give daily updates. My clinic just calls you the morning after transfer and then the morning of the transfer you get to hear who survived. It'll be a long 2 days until Sunday. I'll just try not to think about it too much (other than saying little prayers).

I'm in a bit of pain today and feeling some nausea. I think if I just push through my day I'll feel better.

Fingers crossed!

Thursday, August 7, 2008


Got seven. Same as last time but hopefully more will be mature (last time 4 out of 7 were mature). Everything went fine. In no pain. Don't even need Tylenol. Just a bit tired.

The clinic screwed something else up today. I was to arrive at 9:30 and the retrieval was at 10:15. I get a call at 9am wondering where I was. They had me down for a 9:30 retrieval and and 8:45 arrival. Their mistake. I'm kind-of a stickler about being on time. It had no real effect other than to make them scramble/ apologize and stress me out. But, yet again, a screw-up. Also, my IVF nurse forgot to get me to needles for the PIO again! She ordered me the wrong size after I had reminded her I take an unusual size. I have some left-over from last time to get me through the weekend but still. Anf after ordering the wrong size this is the 2nd time she has promised and forgotten to leave me an envelope full of the correct size. These are not huge things but they really should get it together. I'm not ordering a pizza here. I wont even let it make we wonder if they screw up the big things.

Fert Report in the morning. Pushing it out of my mind.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Stim day 13. Trigger tonight!

Things are looking pretty good. The little ones are catching up. Even the stragglers are now "probably". I don't have my official instructions for tonight but I'm pretty sure I will trigger tonight. ER on Thursday. Transfer on Sunday.

Day 5/Day 8/ Day 10/ Day 12/ Day 13

E2= 38/220/550/770/??

Right 5/4/4/3/3

#1 7.9 / 12.0/ 14.2/ 17.2 / 19.5
#2 7.3 /6.9/ 9.8 / 16.6 /17.8
#3 6.7 / 6.7 / 8.4/ 11.7 /14.4 (pretty close!)
#4 5.4 /6.4 /6.5
#5 5.1

Left 5 /5 /5/ 5/ 5

#1 8.2 /12/ 14.6/ 19.0 /19.8
#2 6.8 /8.5 / 12.1/ 14.2 / 16.6
#3 6.3 /7.0 /10.1/ 13.2 /16.2
#4 5.8 /6.3 /9.8/ 11.5 /15.0
#5 5.5 /6.0 /8.6/ 10.1 /13.7 (pretty close)

Monday, August 4, 2008

Stim day 12

Still chilling with 3 that will be mature, 2 are iffy, 3 are really iffy/probably not.

Day 5/Day 8/ Day 10/ Day 12

E2= 38/220/550/??
Right 5/4/4/3

#1 7.9 / 12.0/ 14.2/ 17.2 (yes)
#2 7.3 /6.9/ 9.8 / 16.6 (yes)
#3 6.7 / 6.7 / 8.4/ 11.7 (really iffy)
#4 5.4 /6.4 /6.5 (huh? where'd you go?)
#5 5.1

Left 5 /5 /5/ 5

#1 8.2 /12/ 14.6/ 19.0 (yes)
#2 6.8 /8.5 / 12.1/ 14.2 (iffy)
#3 6.3 /7.0 /10.1/ 13.2 (iffy)
#4 5.8 /6.3 /9.8/ 11.5 (really iffy)
#5 5.5 /6.0 /8.6/ 10.1 (probably not)

Same meds. Another u/s on Tuesday. Likely trigger on Tuesday then ER on Thursday.

Not feeling a huge amount of hope here but I've feel ok. I am a realist and I am at peace with the fact that my eggs are bad. I'm sad but ok.

Just want to finish this cycle. See what happens. If I get really lucky and get pregnant then great. If not (which seems the more likely scenario) the donor is available. I can start to move on a DE cycle in a few weeks.

The silver lining of DE is that I might get to have 2 more babies instead of one more. I really want more than 2 kids. Mr. Peeveme is pretty set on only one more. But if we do DE:

1) the donor will probably produce many eggs and we'd have many embryos. FET anyone?

2) I feel that is would be kinder to have two DE kids. They'd have the same genetic make-up. They'd have someone who shared their genetics, experience and be able to relate someone while growing up. It just feels like the right thing to do. Not that I'm getting ahead of myself or anything. I have a need to plan, think things through, try on different scenarios. It takes me a very long time to get used to and idea. The longer I can ruminate on it the easier it is for me.

Had a blast at the reunion. Will be telling stories soon.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Day ten. At it again.

Still dealing with the same situation. Everything looks ok but not great. Still moving forward. At this point we have 3 for sure that will be mature after ER. 3 are maybe. 4 are possible but not likely. Dr. seems more optimistic than I am. I think he's just counting how many he can get at ER. I'm anticipating how many will be mature.

Day 5/Day 8/ Day 10

E2= 38/220/550
Right 5/4/4

#1 7.9 / 12.0/ 14.2
#2 7.3 /6.9/ 9.8
#3 6.7 / 6.7 / 8.4
#4 5.4 /6.4 /6.5
#5 5.1

Left 5 /5 /5

#1 8.2 /12/ 14.6
#2 6.8 /8.5 / 12.1
#3 6.3 /7.0 /10.1
#4 5.8 /6.3 /9.8
#5 5.5 /6.0 /8.6

Same meds but add in Cetrotide.

I think I will take all my meds early tonight so I don't have to do it at the reunion. I'll just have to get up early tomorrow morning to take my morning meds early.

Back for u/s on Monday but at this rate we wont be triggering anytime before Tuesday.
Slow and steady.

Thanks for your encouragement.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Day 8. Not Great.

Things don't look that good. Taking another look on Saturday. That should tell us if we move forward or cancel. I'm ok with canceling if it looks really bad.

Day 5/Day 8

E2= 38/220
Right 5/4

#1 7.9 / 12.0
#2 7.3 /6.9
#3 6.7 / 6.7
#4 5.4 /6.4
#5 5.1

Left 5 /5

#1 8.2 /12
#2 6.8 /8.5
#3 6.3 /7.0
#4 5.8 /6.3
#5 5.5 /6.0

Here is a comparison of both Day 8's

Day 8 IVF #1/ Day 8 IVF #2

* means that follicle was mature after ER


Right 4/4

#1 10.7*/ 12.0
#2 9.7*/6.9
#3 9.0*/6.7
#4 6.9/6.4

#1 9.3*/12
#2 5.7/8.5
#3 4.5/7.0
#4 3.9/6.3
#5 3.1/6.0

Last time anything less than 9 didn't make it. I now have lots of sixes. On the bright side I don't have all those small 3-5's like last time. Maybe some of the 6-7's will catch up.

If the sixes catch up then we are in business. If not we are looking at about 3. If that happens I may want to pack it in, convert to iui, and use the money I get back to go towards DE. We'll see. I'm actually doing ok with this. I'll be sad but at this high dose of meds we did give it our all. I can feel satisfied that my ovaries are done. Eventually, I will be ok...always a bit sad, mad but I'll accept it. I just don't want to feel any "what if's" . I can live with not having more bio-kids knowing I did what I could. I can not live with doubt.

I should know soon. Just trying to chill. There truly is nothing anyone can do to change this. Just gotta ride it out and see where it all ends up.

In other super-fab news...Mr. Peeveme lost his job. He does get 3 months salary and we hope the company honors that. We have been contemplating a career change for him anyhow. His current career in sales keeps him on the road a lot, no benefits, and frankly, does not pay THAT well for how much he has to work. I'd rather him take a 9-5 job with a pay-cut if it meant we could have a normal life, earn some retirement, have vacation days, sick leave. All those things are worth a lot even if it hurts the cash flow at first. It just means it will happen sooner than we thought. Aside from being afraid financially, this could be a really good thing for our family.

He dislikes what he does. It has no meaning for him. He has been talking to a company for a while who might be interested in hiring him part-time for a while then moving into full-time when he gets his skill-sets up to par.

Scary but we are looking forward to seeing how it all turns out.