Perfect Moment Monday: Unexpected Blessing

Bambina was Baptized recently. I expected all the wonderful moments that arise from such an occasion. Powerful spiritual ceremony, community engagement, cousins playing, both sets of grandparents visiting, champagne in the afternoon, and, of course, sheet cake.

It was wonderful and I tried to really just drink it all in.

What I did not expect (which it why it's my favorite thing) was the smell of my sweet baby's head, which was blessed with fragrant oils. I drank in that wonderful smell all night long.

And she never blogged again!

Dude...I know I just had a baby and went right back to work but geeeze. How much do I suck? Pretty much, all the way.

I feel guilty not so much for not blogging but for the not reading/commenting. Man, I am so invested in each of your journeys and I feel 10 times of guilt for not keeping up. But after a few months the task seems so daunting that I'm just overwhelmed at the thought. So, I am dipping a toe back in to this...will post updates and try not to get to overwhelmed with trying to catch up for now.

If you want to give me a quick cheat sheet version of where you are and what you are doing I'd appreciate it.

Anywho...all is well. Sooo tried and stressed and broke and unclean (serious hygiene issues going on here) but I have truthfully never been happier.

Upcoming posts:
Birth story
Life after a DE pregnancy
Project Recognition update (so cool)
Wanting another when Dh says no
Conquering Breastfeeding
Pumping while on a plane/in the airport
Why going back to work so early is in some ways easier
My mom's early Alzheimer

It feels good to be back.

No PKU here

Bambina does not have it. Thanks for all your good thoughts and support. Huge sigh of relief and gratitude. Will be making a donation to the national PKU foundation.

Ride my Roller Coaster

On the same day we found out about Bambina's potential gene disorder I got some really awesome news. Obviously, it has taken second seat but it's still nice.

Now, I could be compromising my anonymity by telling you the award but what the hell. (OK, I really suck at maintaining it with the picture posting, real name slips etc).

I have been selected as one of "Native American 40 Under 40". The recipients are "outstanding young Native Americans who have shown excellence in community and/or profession.... who are already playing a significant role in shaping Indian Country for the future."

This is the first year of the award. Embarrassingly I nominated myself. I wrote the nomination letter and had a friend "nominate" me so it didn't look so bad. Not in a million years did I think I'd be selected. This award seems so geared towards reservation-living Indians and those who work in Indian communities. I do neither.

The awards ceremony is in Tulsa. I am thinking of flying out there for the night. It would be hard to manage with the toddler and newborn plus I have a huge presentation at work that morning (Yes, I have to prepare it and present it on my maternity leave) but I really want to go. I'd also have to be able to fit into a formal dress by then. I really don't want to buy anything new when I have many beautiful dresses in my closet.

No news yet

No news yet on the 2nd blood test.

Thanks for all your kind words, thoughts and prayers. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

To address a few comments:

areyoukiddingme: Yes, I would let the clinic know. Anyone using this donor should know that this information. It's only an issues if the sperm donor is also a carrier.

amasingk8: I read the false positive rate was high but I didn't know how high.

Ophelia: Thankfully our insurance will cover formula/food/ and other interventions. We are so lucky. Not to get all political but everyone should have health care. It's a human right. Medicaid for all.

D----y: Thank you! It's helpful to hear of stories where people lead relatively normal lives. To actually know someone who is managing this would be helpful.

Em: Thanks so much. Yes, the medical sites freak me out. The ones that are more family/lifestyle based are much more helpful. My main concerns have been if she could have normal intelligence and is she'd have behavioral problems. I think it has something to do with the severity of the condition and how well you monitor/stay on the diet. Thank you so much for reaching out to a perfect stranger. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you did and that you can manage it well.


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Other thoughts/concerns: More kids and Embryo Donation

I have wanted a 3rd child. Mr. Peeveme says we are done. That was not a fight I was going to fight right now but one I was not going to loose. We have 7 embys just waiting. We have had to work so hard to have our children....this one would be an easy FET. How could we not? But they all have a chance of having PKU....kind-of puts a kink into those plans. Also, while Mr. Peeveme and I have not decided what to do with the leftover embys...it would also put a kink in those potential plans as well.

Does PGD test for PKU?

Phenylketonuria (PKU) - In the "Spoke Too Soon" Department

There's no easy way to say it...unless you use the acronym. Got the word that Bambina tested positive for PKU, a genetic disorder. People with PKU lack an enzyme to process a certain protein. It builds up and becomes toxic and can cause mental retardation if untreated. In many cases in it's manageable with a lifelong low-protein diet and regular blood checks. She'd start on a special (expensive) formula. I might be able to continue to breastfeed if her levels don't get too high and she tolerates it well. But in some cases it's not possible to keep the levels low enough to stop the progression.

We are waiting the results of the second blood test. Trying not to panic or get too ahead of ourselves but this certainly would mean a lot of changes and difficulty for our family. It's not what a parent wants for their child.

It seems that false positives are not uncommon so we are holding out hope that this will amount to nothing more than a little scare that we will forget about years from now. Reasons for false positives (other than lab errors) are thick blood (she had to repeat one blood test because her blood clotted to quickly,...not sure that means her blood is thick but it might) and liver problem (she was jaundiced at the time of her test). Only 25 babies per year are born in California with PKU. Both "parents" must have the recessive gene and even then you only have a 25% chance of the child getting it. Which brings us to the DE portion of this situation.

The DE thing is just another twist on this. It does not make me any more or less sad but it's just something to to think about. If it were my genetics that would be that but we chose this person....I don't know why it feels different but it does. I'm not mad. I don't feel any more or less guilty because I could not have know this...it's just the luck of the draw but the 3rd person thing just adds another layer. I'm not articulating it well.

The other crazy thing is that my mom is here this week. She does not know that we used Donor Eggs. She keeps going over and over in her mind and out aloud who may be Jewish in our family tree and how may generations back it was. Don't ask me why because from what I have read being Jewish has nothing to do with it and being American Indian is a more likely reason (if I were the genetic mother). I keep trying to deflect and redirect her thinking. She also has early stage Alzheimer's so it's pretty-much a constant and recurring conversation.

Mom: How come this has never shown up before? I wonder how the gene could have made it past that many generations? etc... (Dude, the woman can not remember where we keep the knives but she knows every great-great grand parent on the family tree and where they were born)

Me: I guess we'll never know and honestly it does not really matter. What matters is how we deal with it for Bambina. I don't care about being a good genetic donor...I care about being a good parent. It's about how we deal with this in the future not how we got here.

Mom: I wonder why nobody in our family has even had this?
Me: Maybe they have. Brain damage would explain a lot about some of your family.

And the first person I called when I got the news? Mr. Peeveme? Nope. What's he going to do? Change his genetic code? My sisters? Even they'd tell you they don't know shit about genetics. I called my super-cool friend who happens to be a genetic counselor. She dropped everything to give me a really good web address about the condition and read some of the information to me as I drove to the lab for a blood test. Thanks so much AC.



So if you are the praying type keep us in your prayers. If you are the thinking type...think positive thought...make that think false-positive thoughts.

It doesn't matter and I'm not looking back

Those are the words I have heard (read) from other DE mommies. I have not been at that place...or if I was I have gone back and forth between "It doesn't matter" to "I might have made a mistake" to "What does this all mean?"

I have tried to honestly convey my struggles with DE in a series of posts which I would link to if I were not so lazy. I did this to help others and to work through my own shit. I have thought about it from many different angles. Considered the pros and cons. Dealt (dealing) with my own emotions of loss, excitement, gratitude, insecurity. All the time I knew love would take over and it has.

Right now I can honestly say I am not looking back. I am aware that she in not my genetic material but that does not mater one bit.

Not only am I ok with that...I am thrilled because I could not love this little being more. She could not be more perfect.

Top of my list

With so much to be thankful for it might seem a little strange that stool softener is near the top of my list...but thank goodness for those little orange pills.

But you MUST pay attention to the dosage recommendations AND keep track of the last time you took one instead of taking one whenever you thought it might be time for another. Stool softeners are one of those things in life where a little is great but too much....whoops! I almost busted a stitch running to the bathroom. So my year-long "no crapping myself" streak is still in tact but just barely.

Just a few pics * Pictures redacted* It was a litmited time offer Folks.

She came out a little bruised.



Much better by 2 days




5 days




After 3 looong days they finally let us go home...huge post about that later.




That's it for now.

She's here!

Bambina was born on aug 19, 2009 at 9:41pm. She's perfect. I can't believe she's asleep on my lap.
Induced. No epi. Was able to turn off pitocine after they broke my water. I have two huge black eyes again. More later.

Time's up! Your having a baby

I am officially 12 days overdue. More overdue with my 2nd baby than with my first. I am about 90% effaced and almost 3 cm...but I doubt anything will really happen before I am scheduled to be induced. I think if they gave me a few more days I would go into labor on my own. I'm just a slow starter.

Induction is set for tomorrow morning and if anyone who has volunteered for an epidural or membrane stripping or had any other intervention tells me I can refuse, I swear I will reach through the internet and give you a titty twister. Unless you have been in the situation of actually refusing intervention you are in no position to pass judgment. None. I am however, open too all suggestions about how to better manage an induction...negotiation pointers ect.

(I chose titty twisting because I am all about nipple stimulation these days...trying to get my labor started).

There are certain things that a hospital considers non-negotiable and induction at 13 days past due is one of them (at my practice). I have held them off for as long as possible. My time is up.

Now, before I get accused (again) of harming my baby I'd like to make a few points which seem obvious but apparently are not for some.

1) Baby and I are being closely monitored. Twice weekly stress tests and u/s to check amniotic fluid. I am doing 3 or 4 kick counts a day.

2) Statistically there is no health difference between having a baby at say 38 weeks than 41 weeks. No reason to believe that any harm will come from being overdue a little. The health issues seem to be if you go over 42 weeks. I am not sure why everyone seems to think it some sort of tragedy to go over a due date. It's fine. It's not dangerous as long as mommy and baby are healthy...which we are.

I am amazed at how uncomfortable or even accusatory people get once they learn you are at or over your due date. Man, I get lots of unsolicited (and inaccurate) advice about how to get labor going. Even worse I get told how "dangerous" it is. Yes, that's what you should do...try to scare a pregnant lady into labor with all your inaccurate, uninformed, hyperbolic opinions



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So here's where I could use some help.

All my labor preferences (thanks, Birdee) have been for a completely natural labor and delivery, total avoidance of any interventions. However...now that I am being induced I may need to rethink that. For example, breaking of the waters. My first reaction is "no way" but when I think about it...if I am on Pitocin anyhow maybe breaking my waters would kick in my natural labor so that I could turn the Pitocin down or off? I have no idea about this. I haven't researched it and I haven't seen a whole lot on how to induce as gently as possible. It seems like all the information about natural childbirth assumes no induction which, I guess, makes sense. It also seems like once you start and induction protocol there is little room for negotiation or individual choice. How does one get induced and minimize risk to baby and avoid artificial pain management?

Again... we are assuming health and lack of complications. I'm not an idiot. Of course, my goal is a live baby...I didn't think I needed to state that but apparently I do.

Black Eyes

As mentioned I pushed for a long time (longer than most unmedicated births). She was sunny side up and I think that was a large part if it. It can make pushing take longer becasue it's just not as effective.

After she was born I noticed I was having trouble seeing but with all the excitement I didn't think anything of it.

After a while in the Labor and Delivery room they wheel you to a recovery room. You are in a wheel chair, holding your baby and everyone in the hallway waves and applauds....it's what being a prom queen must feel like. So there I am grinning, waving back, accepting my accolades.

A few hours later a go to the bathroom and look at myself for the first time. I screamed! I had two HUGE black eyes. And nobody told me! All the blood vessels in the whites of my eyes had popped and were and angry shade of red. My eyelids and under-eyes were practically swollen shut! After a few hours they turned into lovely bruises.

And then I remember my little prom-queen ride and felt like and idiot. I was completely clueless. I looked more like prize fighter than a prom queen.


I took this picture about 3 days after so you are not getting the full effect but you get the idea.



And in the "be careful what you wish for" category Mr. Peeveme and I used to joke around about how while I didn't want any artificial pain management I didn't want to feel the pain so maybe he could just punch me in the face and knock me out. No drugs and I'd be unconscious so I wouldn't feel the pain. We laughed and laughed at how one would put that in the birth plan.

And then I came out with two big shiners!

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This time I will try to visualize pushing DOWN lower rather than up through my head. Not sure if there would be any true effect but it seems lot of pressure was going up into my face and not down into my pushing parts.

Things I learned from my Unmedicated Labor and Delivery with Induction

I learned quit a bit from my experience. This post is for those who really want to do unmedicated labor and delivery. It's certainly not a post for everyone. It's my honest assessment of what I wish I had known and the things that helped me achieve my goal of unmedicated labor and delivery despite being aggressively induced.

-My goal had been to have an unmedicated labor and delivery and I met that goal. So why did I feel like such a failure? I think, along with my goal of natural birth I also developed some expectations that were somewhat unrealistic. Ok maybe not unrealistic but certainly inflexible. When those did not materialize I felt like a failure. I expected it to go faster. I expected to be more "present" and have the "birth experience" I wanted. That did not happen. I felt I had been sold a bill of goods. I felt I behaved poorly or must have done it wrong becasue mine did not feel like the "zen" experience the books described. Looking back I realize it's not the fault of "natural" childbirth that mine was not "zen". However, the books need to do a better job at leveling with women just how much pain they are in for. They tend to minimize it, in my opinion. Of course, my labor being induced probably had a lot to do with that but even those women who are not induced say it much more difficult than the books lead you to believe. Not all but many.

I met my goal with pure grit. I'm not saying I had the wrong goal becasue I absolutely believe it's the safest option but I also brought some unrealistic and inflexible expectations into the situation which lead me to feel disappointed, angry and depressed about my birth experience immediately afterward. Not anymore. I have the experience firmly in perspective. I do feel proud of making it through but for months after I felt like a failure even though I met my goal becasue I yelled, screamed, panicked, became weak, indecisive, vulnerable. I expected to be clam, stoic, present, level-headed. Yep, during unmedicated labor and delivery. Totally unrealistic.

-I was not prepared for induction...not mentally, not physically, and mostly I did not have the information I would have needed to make better decisions. Yes, I have the right to make my own medial decisions. I did not have to simply acquiesce to their protocols. However, I didn't even know what my options were so I had nothing to contribute. No ideas, no requests. I was just a sitting duck. More on my induction recommendations later.

I absolutely want to have another unmedicated labor and delivery but if I am induced I am not sure I could/would be able to do that again. If you want an unmedicated birth option you CAN do it even while induced. It's possible but I'm not sure I'd want to or could do it again. It completely changes the game. As long as one is mentally prepared for that I think it's possible.

This is why I am avoiding induction at all costs. If my water breaks again I am not goign straight to the hospital. I'm going to wait around a bit and see if labor really kicks in. I might not even be honest with them about the time my water broke. Once your water breaks the clock starts as do their "protocols". This is not medical advice. Just my personal strategy.

-If I must be induced I have a whole new understanding of how I think it should be approached. I have no doubt that they were overly aggressive inducing me. To go from 0 to 10cm in a few hours....3 min contractions 1 min apart is completely unnecessary and potentially dangerous. I will firmly request to have a gentle-as-possible induction. Low doses. No increasing until at least 30 mins has passed. Once the desired pattern of contractions has been achieved they should turn it down or off. If there is any fetal distress then TURN OFF the pitocin and see if that helps. Never go beyond the recommended dosages on the packaging of the drug.

-If you really want to go unmedicated then you have to put the option of artificial pain management out of your mind. If you approach it with the attitude of "I will try it" then you will fail. Without complete commitment you WILL ask for the drugs...especially if they are offered. If you are undecided then ok...try it...but if you are committed you have to just not even think of drugs. Put it in your birth plan that the staff is not to offer drugs.

-Expanding upon the previous point...have it in your birth plan that the staff is not to mention drugs, or other interventions (vacuum, c-section, induction medications) unless it's an absolute emergency. When you are in the middle of it you will be tired, indecisive, vulnerable, scared, and in pain. If anyone mentions an alternative you might cave. You might think something is wrong when, in fact, feeling tried, indecisive, vulnerable, scared, and in pain are all NORMAL. No matter how well meaning, they should not offer. This applies to your husband as well. He will hate to see you this way. It's up to him to help you. He doesn't help you by offering you the thing you are wanting to avoid. He has to be strong for you becasue there WILL be a time when you think you can't do this anymore; that you just want it over with. He needs to be the one to get you past those self defeating thoughts. You will not be able to do that for yourself.

-I actually wrote out 3x5 cards for Mr. Peeveme with all the things he needed to say to me when I lost it. I made him promise to keep me strong. I made him read those cards to me...in my own words. When I heard them it helped to remind me of the strong determination I have. It helped me a lot when I had no more determination or fight in me.

OK, so that's what I have for now. My friend who introduced me to unmedicated labor was the only person who level with me and gave me any inkling of what was in store. Because of her I was able to do it. If I had just depended on the books I would not have made it. So I wanted to level with you.

As hard as it is, it's still my choice. I know there are easier ways to go about it. I know that many people will read this and think "Why on earth would you put yourself though that if you can just have an epi or a c-section" My response, I'm afraid, might offend or hurt some people but here it is: This pregnancy, labor and birth is not about me. It's about my baby. It's about what is best for her. This is the first of many sacrifices I will make for her.

I am a little worried this time around because I am not feeling as strong (mentally and physically) going into this one as I was the last time. It was just so grueling that I don't know that I could or would be able to do that again.

My inflexible goals/expectations lead me to some disappointment with myself afterward so I am trying to manage determination with a certain amount of flexibility as to my expectations.

The First Time Part 2- Unmedicated Birth Story

This is the birth story from the birth of my first child. In anticipation of the 2nd's arrival I wanted to reminisce and compare.

Since Peeveme women can hardly make it to the hospital in time AND my waters had broken I thought for sure I'd be having Piccolina in no time. Imagine my surprise when I ended up laboring all night with unproductive contractions. They weren't THAT bad but enough that I could not sleep. Mr. Peeveme BTW slept great all night. I did my best to walk, nipple stimulation ect to get labor going but it was no use. (Thanks, Melissia for reminding me of the ways to naturally induce labor. I had forgotten some things in the past 3 years).

They wanted to start the pitocin at about 4 am. I declined. They wanted to start it again at 6am. I bargained for more time. By 9 am I had held them off for as long as I could. The drip was started. Being step B positive I already had the IV and had been given two rounds of antibiotics.

Until then, my contractions were irregular but on average 8-10 mins apart and maybe 30-40 seconds. Not productive at all. Before, I was managing the pain with breathing...within moments of the pitocin drip I had my first pitocin contraction. It lasted 3 mins and was sooo painful all I could do was scream "Oh FUCK" at the top of my lungs. For 3 mins. Then I had about a 1 min break...and the next 3 min contraction started.

We begged them to turn it down. They did for a while but I swear they'd sneak in and turn it up without telling us. It was absolute torture. There is no other way to describe it.

You know how most people talk about long labors are hard. I gotta tell you...it's the short ones that are the most painful. I know long labors are exhausting but the pain in a short labor is so much more intense. Plus, I had been up all the night before with unproductive labor so I was going into this a bit tired.

I was not effaced and had little dilation when they started the pitocin. At some point my doula arrived. The entire thing is just a blur of panic and pain...and being pissed off because I felt they were being way too aggressive with the induction. At 11:50 I was really doubting my ability to continue and wanted to be checked. I was to 5cm and the baby was at 0 station. I was crushed. Surely I was in transition. Everything I had read about labor (early, active, transition) I felt like I was in transition the entire time...and that usually only lasts short time...not hours. So when I realized that not only was I only half way there but that it would get ever MORE intense...I was really scarred. I had already decided that there was no way I was doing an epi so I never felt tempted. I was just scarred and discouraged but still determined. I gotta say that I was not once tempted to ask for drugs. I simply put that possibility out of my mind.

The stages of labor come with "sign posts". Early labor is exciting. In active labor the woman is serious (and it;s time to go to the hospital). In transition (the last few cm's before pushing) the women has self doubt. I felt like I was in that self doubt phase the entire time. I skipped the first two phases and had a super long feeling of transitional labor. I blame the aggressive induction.

Everyone was awesome, Mr. Peeveme, my doula, the mid-wife, the nurses. They all reassuring me that I was doing great...that I could do this...that it would not be much longer...that we were indeed making progress.

At 12:45 they checked me again. At this point I was just play-doh. I had little will to do anything or make any decisions. Contractions were on top of each other and more intense than I can possibly describe. The closest I can come is to say it felt like my entire belly and back felt like it was in a vice. Finally, the nurse said I was 10 cm and ok to push. I started to push for about 15 mins. The midwife checked me again and noticed that I was not all the way dilated. Crap. That is the kiss of death. Pushing when not dilated can cause swelling...and make delivery even harder. I was practically inconsolable. If I didn't feel so beaten I would have been pissed off. For 20 mins I had to NOT push through pushing contractions. If I thought pushing was hard...not pushing was even harder.

Finally at 1:20 I was given the ok to push again. I did every position in the book laying on my side, squatting (which I hated), facing Mr. Peeveme on his lap (which he hated).

I remember looking at Mr. Peeveme and crying, "I'm not a Peeveme, I'm not a real Peeveme", because Peeveme woman have fast labors and mine was taking forever.

We pushed for a long time especially considering this was an unmediated birth. Part of the reason I like the non-medicated birth option was that it's supposed to go faster therefore being less traumatic on the baby. At 3pm the mid-wife checked me again. Picconlina had moved down to +3/+4 position. But she was sunny-side up. Crap again! This was of great concern for me and the reason my pushing was lasting so long. Again, everyone reassured me that babies could be born this way or that she could turn. I, however, was upset that this was not going well. I was having the types of minor complications that were making things much harder than they were for other people. Why the hell do I have to do everything the hard way?

At this point Piccolina's heart rate kept going down quite a bit during the contractions (Maybe if you'd turn down the pitocin!) So out came the oxygen mask. When I turned on my side and had oxygen it seemed to help her heart rate.

At one point the Dr. came in and I freaked out. At this hospital the mid-wives do the births. The Dr.s only come when something is wrong. After a short consult with the mid-wife he left. The babies heart rate was not recovering between contraction. This is when many c-sections take place. This is where many parents panic and cave into intervention if they do not have the kind of medical care that encourages natural birth. Thankfully, this hospital and my mid-wife were supportive and reassuring. My mid-wife came up to my head to talk to me. I was beginning to feel done, completely spent. She looked me square in the eyes and told me I needed to push. I was close. I could do this and, in fact, I HAD to do this.

Finally at 3:32, Piccolina was born (anterior position). She was covered in vernix, she had a full head of dark, long hair. The placenta showed no singes of aging. She showed no signs of being 12 days past the due date. 7 lbs, 5 ounces. Wide awake and very alter.

Picconlina Born, Aug 11th, 2006

The first time Part 1

The first time I went into labor I had a spontaneous breaking of my waters. It was about 10pm and I was in bed. I heard a little pop and then felt some fluid. It wasn't a gush but more than a trickle. So I got up and went to the bathroom. When I did that the trickle stopped (baby's head stopped it up like a cork). So I got back into bed. When I did I felt a good amount of fluid and knew it was not just me peeing myself again.

I knew from my classes that the L&D staff would want to test to fluid to make sure it was amniotic fluid. So I gathered up one of those pee vials I use to bring in my "sample" at each pre-natal appointment. It never occurred to me that they would test the fluid coming out from it's source. Mr. Peeveme and I got dressed and drove to the hospital.



I made it into triage. They told me they would like to test the fluid and in one graceful move I reached into my purse and produced my perfect little vial of clear-pink-ish fluid. I held it out to the two nurses who just stood there staring at it. Not moving...not talking. They just stood here...midway through pulling on their latex gloves all perplexed looking. My arm still outstretched. Finally, one of them asked, "What is that?"

I replied, "The amniotic fluid". Still nothing..."Don't you need to test it?".

They looked at each other and just started laughing. I had no idea what was so funny but I smiled along becasue well...what else was I supposed to do?

"We have never seen amniotic fluid. How did you get it in that little vial?".

Me, "Um...how does everyone else bring in their fluid? I used a Dixie cup first"

They kindly explained how it's normally done. And then I felt silly. I honestly thought it would all leak out and that there would be nothing left to test so I wanted to capture some. Wrong.

After a little monitoring in the triage we were admitted and sent to a room. I assured myself, Mr. Peeveme and the nurses that we'd be having this baby in a few hours. Peeveme women always have fast labors.

Wrong again.

Unmedicated Birth 2

Kate,

Thank you so much for your comment. Especially rewriting it so that it clearly reflected your intent...it's so hard to write about controversial and personal things.

Yes, I did write as though all women who get c-sections are unthinking and careless. No, I do not think all women who gate c-sections are that way. I do understand that there are many different reasons but the only ones I find problematic are the ones that I think are done for convenience rather than being medically necessary.

C-sections are not evil and many women do have legitimate medical reasons why they are necessarily. You are certainly one of them. But I see your situation as very different from most. The fact that you wish you didn't have to have one makes your situation so very different.

Your point about the "lecturing" you get is very well taken and I agree that is the case. This is one of many areas in which people can get holier than thou and I am no exception. Sorry you have had to endure it. That has got to be really annoying. Yes, we can get preachy about it but I don't think this "education" is directed at those who do understand the larger medical issues involved and have a medical reason for needed a c-section even if you are on the receiving end of it.

Sorry if I came off judging all c-sections and medicated labors.

There are those women who just want a c-section (and all the other interventions like membrane stripping, epidurals ect), don't know and don't want to know about any risks. In truth, I do judge this behavior. These are often the same women who are dismissive or anyone who chooses unmedicated labors. Not all but the means ones usually fall into this category.

Then there are those who were mid-labor but interventions led to a c-section that might not have been necessary. I don't judge this but I also think that most of these could have been avoided if the initial interventions had been avoided OR if their medical providers weren't eager to conduct c-sections (I think they are trying to avoid any problems and malpractice suits). I think many of these women end up feeling like a failure and that's too bad. When you are in that position of being tired, panicked, vulnerable...it's more than understandable to just do whatever your D.r suggests. This is when I do get preachy...not that the woman made a mistake but that her Dr's did her a disservice by sticking to the protocols and not helping the woman to have the labor she wanted.


There are also those c-sections that are medically necessary. I include twins in this (however there are many women who deliver twins just fine vaginally..but wow...I can't even imagine the type of strength and endurance that would take). However, I think this situation is rarer than the first two.

So, I guess my first post was more about woman who do not do any research and yet are dismissive and actually very mean to anyone who even attempts an unmedicated labor and delivery. From the comments here it happens a lot.

I hope that helps a bit. I also have learned not to assume every c-section is unthinking and to hold my judgment (and my tongue). Unless someone dare be dismissive of my choice....then they are going to get it right back.

My cervix is a dirty liar

It's the exact same as it was a week ago (75% effaced, almost 2 cm). I knew it. The mid-wife (who swore I'd have this baby this past weekend) was surprised to see me. She did give me some "I told you so credit" which was nice.

No worries...I am not at all anxious and I'm not ready to do anything to move things along. 4 days over due is not that big of a deal.

To my Little Girl on the Eve of her Birth

Or maybe the fortnight...who knows when you will finally arrive!

As anxious as I am to hold you in my arms I am very calm and happy to still have you all to myself. To be this connected to you. To feel your every move, breath for you, eat for you and sustain you in such a literal manner. Soon you will be outside and Pappa, sister, Nonna, Nonno, Abuelita, Grandfather, aunts, uncles and everyone else is going to get their hands on you. But for now you are just mine.

I have wanted you for so long I don't mind waiting a few more days for you to arrive. Everyone else is so anxious but I know you will come when you are ready.

I love that you kick me in the ribs whenever I bend over or lean forward to claim your space. You are most active after dinner and at about 3 in the morning. Seeing your foot stretch across my belly never gets old even if it hurts. I say to you, "Ok, Bambina, get comfortable already please". Or sometimes, "Good Lord, Bambina, give it up already". But I never tire of it.

Most nights we eat a big bowl of non-fat yogurt with vanilla granola. We love it. You also seem to really want me to eat fruit all the time. At least that is what I have been craving this pregnancy.

Your big sister wants to be called Baby Bambina instead of her own name. She's anxious for you to sit next to her in your car seat. She's going to be a little jealous of you for a while but it will pass and I hope the two of you will be life- long friends. My best friends have always been my sisters.

I am your Mamma and you are my child. I love you more than I can describe. The circumstances surrounding your life are little more complex than most but those facts will always be true.

As we discover who you are and navigate our way through life as a family, there is so much I want for you. I want you to know you are loved, you have connections and draw strength from multiple family trees, you are complete just the way you are. Whatever life brings, you stand on a solid foundation. Many times I will want time to stand still so I can hold you a little longer but mostly I can not wait to see you grow into the person you are to become. My purpose is to let you discover your purpose. And while these are my last few days and hours of being your literal life-line, as your mother, my life is devoted to yours.

Unmedicated Birth

I have chosen an unmediated labor and birth. I did it the first time and will do it again this time (unless there is a real medical emergency).

I wasn't always into this. At one point I was "leave the medical decisions to the Dr.s...I'll just do whatever they tell me to do" type. And then I started to read, and question, and learn. I friend of mine was a few weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy. She was doing the Bradly Method. We were walking buddies and I started to ask her lots of questions. She never judged, got preachy, or lectured. She simply relayed factual information. The more I learned the more I wanted to know.

There are many very good reasons for choosing the unmediated option. For me, I think the most compelling is that I think it's the safest option for the baby. This is not be judgmental and preachy to those who choose to medicate the route. Believe me...I understand pain and I do not like it. (read my 1st labor story in an upcoming post).

This is why I believe in unmediated labor and birth:

Every intervention is statistically more likely to lead to the next intervention. Induction leads to epidurals. Epidurals can make labor longer. Longer labors exhaust the mother. Exhausted mothers cave into pressure for other interventions such as vacuums, c-sections. Please don't comment about yours or some else's individual experience. I am talking about the actual evidence. Individual experience if fine but when making medical decisions one should consider the actual medical studies not your friend's, cousin's experience.

There is a reason why unmediated labors do not end up in c-sections as often as medicated ones. Again, not judging...just stating facts. While c-sections are considered routine nowadays it's still major surgery and entails risks to both mother and baby. I am sometimes amazed that the same pregnant ladies who wont let a drop of caffeine pass their lips just go head and let Dr.'s do things to them that they don't know the risks of. I understand that we are lead to trust our Dr.s and discouraged to ask questions. They are the authority figure. We are the novice. But we'll check the ingredients of baby food, watch for re-call information on our car seats but when it comes to birth we literally lay back and let someone else make the decisions without understanding what is being done and what the risks are.


I am not a granola eating, hairy-legged hippie-chick as we or often judged to be. Although I do eat granola a lot...but that's just because I need a snack and it's better for me the Oreos....and my legs have not been shaved in months...but that's just because I can't see or reach them and I just don't care.

You don't have to be "granola" to choose unmediated birth (Although I do wonder what's so bad about being granola anyhow). I am also aware that I am sounding like I need to defend my decision. As much as those who choose medicated labor feel judged, on the Internets and in person I have found much more judgment and dismissiveness of those of us who choose unmediated labors. So much so that I even hide the fact that this is my choice because I get instant judgment and disapproval 9 times out of 10.


I just think women need to make an educated choice. If you have done your homework, know the risks and feel medicated birth is the best option for you and your baby then more power to you. What I take umbrage with is when women who have never done any research are dismissive and judgmental of those of us who do choose unmediated births. I know you feel judged but I gotta say...it goes both ways.

Now, I love you all. Kiss, kiss. Do your thing and let's not worry about what other people think.

Stats dork on the loose

So Mr. Peeveme and I were trying to calculate my chances of going into labor on any given day from here on out.

Since 10% of births happen on the due date I guess I have 10% chance of giving birth today....but if I were to give birth today I would probably have started labor last night so...I'm probably out for today.

OK so I have 90% chance of going into labor and having a baby in the next 12 days. (assuming the statistic that 10% of births go beyond 42 weeks is accurate...which I doubt but that's another story). So if we assume an equal probability each day we get 7.5% chance per day. But it wont be the same each day...the chances will increase each day past the due date. So, in true statistical dork fashion I have calculated the following.

Due date = 7.5% chance
+1 past due date (Friday) = 8.1%
+2 = 9%
+3 = 10%
+4 = 11.25%
+5 = 12.8%
+6 = 15%
+7 = 18%
+8 = 22.5%
+9 = 30%
+10 = 50%
+11 = 90%

My methodology is admittedly crude but it works for me.

39 weeks Update

Still chillin'. I gain 1 lb in the last two weeks. I had been gaining 3-4 pounds every two weeks for the past few weeks. So I guess my weight gain has slowed (with Picconlina I gain A LOT of weight in my last two weeks). Baby is very low. It seems I am 75% effaced and about 1.5-2 cm dilated. Who knew? With Piccolina I had no effacement and no dilation at this point (or even a week past my due date). I know it does not necessarily mean anything but I am thinking this may happen soon than I had thought. I was convinced I had at least another good week, even a week and a half in me. Now I'm thinking it could happen this weekend? Still trying not to get ahead of myself. Still chillin but beginning to realize I'm having a baby.

Next appointment will be in one week and then we start the non -stress tests.

I'm just hoping no induction. Come whenever you are ready little girl, but don't make me come in there and get you!

Pregnancy update 39 weeks and Just Chillin'

I realize that many of you look at my widget and think I'm so close...any day now territory but not I. For a number of reasons I am not feeling very "impending".

1) Not counting due dates before they hatch: Just a little mind trick I need to play with myself. If you are training for a marathon you DON'T train up to mile 22 do you? Those last few miles are the hardest and most important to mentally/physically prepared for.

Remember my pregnant co-worker? In her 3rd trimester I marveled at how calm she was, how much energy she had, how little she complained. I was just really impressed (which does not happen often). She had it in her mind that she had to make it to a certain date based on her work load. Once she got past that date it would be ok for her to leave but she planned on working right up until she had the baby becasue she doesn't have much vacation or sick leave (and there is no maternity leave. That date was 2 weeks before her due date. Once she got to that date she suddenly became too tired to work, complained often, and felt "done". Did her physical situation change? Not really. She lost her mental game. Once she made it past one arbitrary date she simply imploded. I wont implode. I can't afford to implode.

2) Wont be one of those whining pregnant ladies: I can't tell you how much it bothers me when women complain that they "done" being pregnant. Yes, complain about heartburn, back aches, painful kicks, swelling, that you want to meet your baby but don't say you don't want to be pregnant anymore (unless you have a medical condition or your baby is REALLY big or you have multiples). IDK..it just seems wrong to me if you are healthy to wish a birth before your baby is ready. I guess all those years of infertility changed my mindset. Yes, I am uncomfortable, yes I want to hold my baby, yes, yes, yes. I am not any less uncomfortable than any other pregnant lady...and I'd say I'm MORE anxious to see my baby (given all that we went through to get here). But I just can't to take this for granted. I still rub my belly lovingly and remark how much I will miss this special tine with Bambina (and then I pop a Tums).

3) Piccolina was late. 11 days late. Everyday I went to work. Everyday I'd leave work vowing to return the next day. I knew I would be wrong at some point but I just didn't feel like she was going to be on time let alone early. While 2nd babies tend to be a bit earlier I don't think we'll be 11 days late but I am certainly mentally prepared to go well beyond my due date.

4) Unmediated labor: Having done unmediated labor while induced....I gotta say....I'm not looking forward to doing it again. Hopefully I will not be induced but if I must be I know a whole lot more about it and will be able to competently have some input into the manner and severity. I firmly believe in unmedicated/low intervention labors...I'm just not looking forward to it. Makes it a little easier to wait out these last few days.


5) Not being a very patient person I see this as a way to work on being patient. Just going with the flow.

6) She'll come when she's ready. I believe that. This pregnancy is about her, not me.

7) Full moon: Piccolina was late but she finally arrived on the full moon. The full moon is on Friday so I think we'll make it to at least then. I know, not very scientific but it's a nice thought.



At my last Dr. appointment they offered and internal...I declined. It does not tell you much of anything. It can introduce risk of infection. It hurts like a Mo Fo. I have no signs of labor...not even Braxton Hick (that I am aware of). So why bother?

They offered an appointment for the next week if I wanted it. But we both decided it was probably not necessary. So we held off for 2 weeks. If I go into labor I know what to do. So my next appointment is tomorrow. Pee, blood pressure, heart beat. I might do the internal just to see if anything is going on down there so I can at least make some tentative plans (I have a lot to get done at work before I leave so it will tell me if I will need to put in some evenings or not).

So that's it. Still pregnant. Being patient. Hugely uncomfortable and tired but I know that's how I'm supposed to feel. I'm just hanging on to enjoying being pregnant becasue it still feels like a miracle.

p.s. My pants are tight.

Reflection

There are days when I think to myself, "Self, you are totally not pretty enough to pull off this bad of a personality".

And then I go and buy some hair products, make-up or shoes.

That approach just seems a whole lot easier to me.

Honey, No.

I know this has no real place on this blog since it's not a fashion or celebrity* blog but I saw this photo and couldn't decide if it was 1) hilarious 2) tragic or 3)there was something wrong with me becasue this is what I thought:


Behold!





Why oh why would Whitney Port (whoever she is) wear a bikini bottom that makes her look like she has a gigantic, untrimmed muff? I'm NOT judging gigantic, untrimmed muffs (at 9 months pregnant I am weeks...ok....months past my last half-hearted attempt at muff management). I do not judge a little untidiness down there and I certainly do not fancy myself a fashion designer but this is one seriously ill-conceived embellishment.

What's next? Cellulite pants? Foot fungus nail-polish. Ass-scented body-wash?

*term used loosly

Calling Dr. Google

Thanks for all the rash advice.


Both Mr. Peeveme and I searched Dr. Google and independently came up with the diagnosis of slap cheek disease for Picconlina. It's harmless unless, of course, a pregnant woman gets it.

But after a little more research and a call to my practitioner, we have determined that Bambina is in no danger since I did not get it and even if I did there is only a slight chance of fetal anemia if the mother gets a bad infection in the first trimester. And there is nothing they can actually DO about it other than monitor. But since I never got it...it's a mute point.

After a little Hydro cortisone cream and some A&D ointment Piccolina's face much better.

Poor Mr. Peeveme

Poor little Piccolina has an awful rash on her face. She had it last week and it was getting better but now it has come back with a vengeance. She does not seem bothered by it too much and has no other symptoms.

Mr. Peeveme is very anti-intervention and anti-anything "chemical". I have been asking him to let me put some either hydrocortison cream (to fight inflammation) or Lotrimin (to fight fungal infection) on her poor little face but he insisted we keep applying lotion. And he wont let me use the lotion the Dr recommended for when she had baby eczema...no he has to buy some organic lotion...which doesn't do shit for her really dry, red, cracked skin. Hand cream ain't going to cut it even if it does smell like grapefruit essence.

Anyhow, last night I was, yet again, making my case for hydrcortison or Lotrimin. He thought it was too chemically to put so near her month. I reminded him that he used it on his genitals when he had that little itching problem last year.


And in a tone of voice that I can only describe as pitiful resignation he said, "Yea well nobody's mouth has been near there in a long time".

Thank God, Thank God, Thank God

Looks like Mr. Peeveme has a job. We have been without an income for him since Oct. The job he had since Jan is 100% commission and well...he ain't sold nothing. The only thing worse than being unemployed is working really hard and not getting paid.

He had to offer to work for free until he gets up to speed (a month or so) but it's no different from what he's getting paid now except with his current job it's unlikely he'll ever get a pay check.

He's going to have to work his butt off and prove himself. Not the best timing since we are going to have a baby pretty quickly. But f*ck it. We'll manage. Somehow we'll manage.

It's been a tough time financially and emotionally for him. Ironically, he'll be taking the same job he would have started out as 10 years ago before he got sidetracked into another career. So he's somewhat starting over. It's lower pay than he thought he'd be getting at this point in life, the job is somewhat grunt-work and not at all glamorous. And you know what? We are overjoyed. A paycheck, an honest career, a short commute, and stability. Also, there is room for advancement.

I'm trying not to get too excited until he really gets in there and starts getting paid but man, we are just so relieved. I hope this works out.

Wacky Parents

My parents are wacky which is sometimes fun but often annoying and embarrassing.

Here is an example of the types of thing I endured while growing up.

I was about 13 years old when my parents had their 25th anniversary. They threw a big party in the same reception hall in which they were married. All of our extended family and friends were there.

My mom's name starts with an "S" and my Dad's starts with an "M". The invitations, printed napkins (I thought that was sooo fancy), and the cake proudly proclaimed "25 years of S&M".

At 13 years old I did not know what that meant. Thinking the napkins were so great I brought one to school to show my friends and quickly learned what S&M was. I was horrified for my parents. Surely, my mother did not know what she had done. I rushed home and asked her, "Mom, do you know what the means?" She said, "Of course, I do. That's why I did it."

Unfortunately, this apple does not fall far from that wacky tree.

Michael Jacksons' Kids "Real" Father/Mother

Is anyone else bothered by the media's search for Michael Jacksons' kids "real" parents? Michael Jackson is their real father. I know, he took an unconventional route to fatherhood but does that make him somehow a fake father?

I understand the social curiosity. I get it. But why is it important? Why do we care? Why do we feel it necessary to diminish his relationship to these children? That's what I don't get. You're idol curiosity, your flippant judgment hurts. It hurts these kids and it hurts anyone who has used 3rd-party reproduction. It's one thing to be curious but in all the coverage there is some kernel of judgment and distancing of MJ as the "real" parent. As if now the children can be reunited with their "real" parents.

The situation is somewhat complicated by the fact that he did marry Debbie Rowe and her parental rights have never been completely legally terminated but as far as has been reported she's had no contact with the children. She did sign away her rights (even if that was later overturned by a court) and she has said that this was a "gift" to Michael and that she did not have any intention of parenting. Why should her genetic connection mean more than the familial connection the children have with MJ's extended family? It really bristles that what is the equivalent of a known donor is considered to be a likely/deserving recipient of custody.

This just reminds me how judgmental people are of family's that are not built via natural fertility.

I hope the emotional and heartbreaking statement by Paris Katherine shows people that family does not always mean genetics. She, very simply, loves and misses her Daddy. The only one she has ever had.


_________________________________________

And it also really bother me that the media labels Debbie Rowe a bad/absent mother. She was an egg donor and surrogate. She was not intended to be the mother. To fault her for not mothering is unfair.

Belly Shots

Look away if you don't want to see some belly shots. As much as I want to remain true to my infertility roots and readership (is that too much of an exaggeration to say "readership"?) I am pregnant and this blog is to document my entire journey...not just the bad. Sometimes good things do happen. Sometimes there are happy endings.



Last time I was pregnant I got professional shots done. I used one as my profile picture. This time I'd rather spend my $ on getting professional pictures of the baby. So I had Mr. Peeveme take some in our bedroom while Piccolina was taking a nap. A whole lot of stars had to align for all that to happen. The quality is not so great but it does document how I look and that's really what it's all about. Plus I'd like for Bambina to have something to look at to know how much we wanted her.

I think I was about 33 weeks when these were taken.






















Sure I could have shaved. Sure I could have washed the one and only bra that somewhat fits. Truth be told I'm not much into the belly shots and my hygiene has been pretty spotty lately so just doing this was an accomplishment. Cleanliness would have been too much for me to pull together. (Thank goodness you can't smell the internet!)
















I do love being pregnant. Nothing makes me happier. Really. And I get a baby at the end of this to boot. It's just a win win situation and I am completely aware of how fortunate I am. Once I get to this place....the middle/end of the 3T I feel like a normal pregnant person. Much of the failure I have felt fades away. The constant, almost debilitating anxiety, transforms into your garden variety anxiety about labor, getting "ready" for baby, finances. I feel normal except for one thing...I do think I am more grateful than the average pregnant women.

3's

Ed


Farrah


MJ

____________________________________

Billy May....


Has anyone seen Sham-Wow guy?

_________________________________________________________

For the record I do not believe deaths, celebrity or otherwise, happen in 3's. In an unending series of events you will always be able to subdivide into 3's/. Especially if there are no time limits on when the 3 will happen.

I also heard an interesting news report today (wish I could remember the author and his book) that "3" is a way the human mind makes memory and meaning. It's just the way our minds make sense of information...not that the information is actually divided into threes...we create the trinity becasue our minds work that way. Oh, the Holy Trinity is a good example. Other examples are: past/present/future, breakfast/lunch/dinner.

Perfect Moment Monday

This weekend we installed a second car seat in my car. I could pinch myself. I also washed and folded a bunch a tiny clothes that have been in storage. More pinching.

To some, those sound like small chores. To me they signal a triumph.

I was doubtful I would get here. I didn't arrive at this place the way I thought I would. I didn't get here easily.

I am tenacious...and I'm glad because without that I would not be here and neither would Bambina.

Go tenacity!

Not Complaining but....

....I'm pretty sure this fetus has restless leg syndrome.

Everything is looking right on track. Weight gain is a little under 25 pounds, baby is the right size, my blood pressure is fine, no real swelling to speak of (which is why I can "skank"around in my high heels...Teresa, you crack me up!). Still wearing my wedding ring.

I seem to be good at the pregnancy thing...which I know is no small thing and I am very grateful. I just couldn't get here on my own.

I think we have decided on her name. I need to confirm the middle name with some research (from my tribal language) and pick out some boy names options just in case we get surprised by a penis. Nothing worse than not being prepared for a surprise penis. I usually want/expect lots of warning before a penis encounter. I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

One more random thing. There is a piece of black string on the top stair in my house. It's all balled up so as to look like a spider or bug or something. I jump at it EVERY FRIGGEN TIME I go downstairs! You'd think 1) I'd learn it's just a piece of string 2) I'd pick it up. But these days I'm only stooping for things that are really important. Mostly I just end up kicking things over to where Mr. Peeveme is and asking him to pick it up for me. And you KNOW I'm all dramatic and whiny about it. I'm sure he thinks I'm a moron and the man might have a point. I guess you just get to a certain girth and the very thought of bending at your nonexistent waist sends one into fits of annoyance. I usually drop my car keys about twice a day and the amount of whining, swearing, grimacing and clumsy contorting I engage in to retrieve them (before I instantly drop the AGAIN and have to do an repeat performance) must be a sight to behold. I am thisfaraway from kicking them over to my car and asking the first stranger I encounter to pick them up for me.

I don't think I am taking take full advantage of this "with child" thing. I should be cutting in line at the grocery store, asking co-workers to heat up my lunch for me/fetch my mail, carry things to my car for me. What else should I be extorting while I still have the belly?



So that's where I am:
Kicking reflex: Is strong (Both baby and me)
Startle reflex: Is strong
Annoyed reflex: Is strong
Coercing people into doing things for me reflex: Underway!

A Change of Pace

OK...so I think I have caught up on my Donor Egg related posts. Truly, I am not overly worried. I am, perhaps, over thinking as I am apt to do. I am truely happy and excited and don't doubt for a moment my love for this child or that my family will love her as well. I'm just thinking out loud about some of my concerns and passing thoughts. Partly just to articulate them and think them through. Partly in hopes that someone gains something from my rants.

And a HUGE "thank you" for all your comments. You have have been thought provoking, comforting, insightful. Have I told you that I love you? No? We'll that becasue I'm not very demonstrative and somewhat emotionally distant...but since this is over the internet I do feel comfortable saying that. If your were IRL friends/family then we'd probably just touch fists or something like that.

All that stuff has been brewing for a while. I'm sure I will have more to write about in the future but for now I think I need a change of pace.

I am 8 months pregnant and these are the shoes I wore to work yesterday. I should add that I worked a 13 hour day. Piccolina is staying the night at her grandparents so I took full advantage to get some work done before I go on maternity leave (wow that was hard to type...but I better face facts that I will be going on maternity leave.....pinch me!).






I am somewhat known for wearing high heals. I do wear sensible/comfortable shoes from time to time but I have a desk job so why not wear shoes that make me feel pretty? When I know I will be walking to meetings or on my feet I certainly opt for something more sensible. But I was just sitting and working so Patent Leather Citron Heals it is.

Another Donor Egg Related Post- God parents

Just another weird thing that I didn't consider when I decided on DE. God Parents. My sister and her husband are Piccolina's Godparents and guardians should Mr. Peeveme and I both come to an untimely end. But this child is not genetically related to them. Would it be better if we chose someone on Mr. Peeveme's side of the family for those duties? I'm not really asking you...just wondering out loud here.

I could ask my sister (who does know about the DE) how she feels about it. I'm pretty sure she sees no difference between this child and Piccolina. BUT........and this is a big butt (tee hee), technically, Nolan (my step-son) is just as "related" to my family as this child is (he's Mr. Peeveme's DNA but not mine)...and my family has never embraced him...although there are LOTS of reasons for that which are not their fault...he was older...they never saw him...he's kind-of a self-absorbed jerk....It's a totally different situation, I know, but it does give me pause because my family has never really embraced anyone who was not of our genetics (which is why I am not telling my parents). I always grew up hearing my mom say things like, "They aren't really your cousins....Your uncle just married someone with kids". Or "They aren't 'insert my tribal name here' because they are adopted". So I know how my mother feels about genetics. It has certainly impacted the way I feel about genetics...which is why doing DE was such a hard decision for me and obliviously I am still working things out. But I had a HUGE incentive for changing my thought patterns about genetics....I wanted a family. Without DE it would not be possible for me to add to my family.


It worries me that, even though people are excited about this pregnancy, when Bambina arrives what if they don't feel connected due to lack of genetics? Everyone loves a little, innocent baby. But as she grows...as the differences become apparent...will they feel the same? And if the worst happened would they be able to love this baby and take care of her the same as Piccolina?

I know after she is born most of these doubts will fade and she will simply be my baby. But there are those situations that make me think about it and the God Parents aspect is one of them that I did not anticipate when I started.

Donor Egg Related Post: Facebook Ouch!

Somebody I knew from high school posted this on my Facebook wall:



"Pregnant? Huge congrats. You've got beautiful genes and they should be passed down as many times as possible. Happy happy belated. xx"


She has no idea...why would she? Why wouldn't people assume this is my genetic child? I can't blame her. Apparently, I think rather highly of my genes as well!

It's just one of the things I will have to get used to. And eventually, my child will have to get used to. It's just a matter of fact that people will assume a genetic link. It's nothing to obsesses about but it will be a constant reminder.



BTW- Facebook rocks on your birthday. That many well-wishes makes a girl feel great.

__________________________________________________

Update: I'm not mad at her or anything. It is a nice compliment...just totally not applicable to my situation. Innocent and nice comments like that are just being filtered through my new DE lens (to borrow from Bluebird)and eventually I will get used to it.



Again...I am less concerned for myself and more concerned with how an innocent comment like that will make my child feel.

DE Related post-Doubts about The Donor and Feeling like a Ass

Ok so I going to start documenting some of my DE thoughts even if they are not pretty or make me look bad. Here is one of them.

I'm smart. My DH is smart. Piccolina is smart (although at 2.5 is hard to tell how smart or how that will manifest). I know there are all types of smart but I'm talking about the traditional, school-approved "smart". Actually, I was not thought of as very smart by my teachers while in grade school or high school. I didn't get good grades, I didn't do homework but when I got to College and certainly Grad-school I understand how to succeed in school and ROCKED it. So while I was a slow starter.... I always tested off the charts...school wanted me to skip a grade...I think I was just too immature to make it work. I have always had the raw materials to be nerd-smart...I just didn't not apply them until I was an adult.

Dh has always been "school smart". Good handwriting, good at math, still remembers high school calculus (yes he took calc in high school). His parents never once asked him if he did his homework...he just did it and got really good grades. His parents did not finish grade-school so they could not help him. He did it all on his own.

Here is where I sound elitist and judgmental. I worry the donor is not that smart. I don't want to go into the reasons why because then I'd have to write paragraph upon paragraph stating my evidence...considering opposing evidence...acknowledging the limitations of my evidence and justifying my conclusions none of which I care to do here or anywhere else. All in all I am concerned that Bambina might not have all the genetic equipment to be nerd-smart.

I probably sound irrational and full of myself but part of doing DE means looking at what you value in yourself and mourning the loss of that. It could just as easily been musical ability (which I do have), athletic ability (which I don't),looks (which we'll get to in a another post) or some other quality.

I know that even kids with the same parental DNA can be wildly different and that there are other qualities that are just as important but I am focused on this brain thing for some reason. Not obsessed or anything....it's just something I think about from time to time. It's not nagging.....just present.

And then I feel like an ass for sounding so full of myself, judging someone I have never met who gave me the most generous, compassionate gift imaginable. A person, who, by her profile, seems thoughtful, fun, likable. And then I try to focus on Bambina being kind, compassionate, fun and likable. That would not be so bad for her to have some of those qualities.... the qualities I feel I lack. The people who know me would never use those words to describe me.

But I'm still eating extra protein because of all the brain development that happens in the 3T. What? I can want her to have both smarts and a good personality.

I never worried about these things when I was pregnant with Piccolina. Yes, I wonder what she will be like but I don't worry. I don't think I am worried about Bambina becasue it's not MY DNA....as if MY DNA is some genetic jackpot or something. No, I think I am more worried because I don't want her to feel separate, different, not fully one of us, not fully whole.

While I'm thrilled to let my children be who they are (not mini versions of me; no wish fulfillment or vicarious living here) I have more concerns for my DE child. I am truly excited to see how my children develop. I want to see them become who they are; see what makes then unique (something I might not have fully appreciated if I had not done DE). But what if what makes her unique makes her feel less than or separate from us? I do not have those concerns for my genetic child. Piccolina being different just IS and would not cause any concerns. Bambina being different might cause her confusion or questioning.

So once again with this DE thing I have my concerns and worries that I, as an adult, can navigate through. But I am left with my concerns for my child and how she will feel. I always end up in this place. All I can do is be aware and try to make it ok for her to feel whatever she feels about it.

BTW- I totally know that a lot of things are determined by nurture...but I really believe that nature determines the upper and lower limits. Certain things are set and nurture can only enhance/detract.

De Realted Post: My Rocky First Trimester; Trying to get Perspective

I got the long awaited BFP...HCG more than doubled...everything was looking great. I was happy. Then came the time for the viability scan at about 6 weeks. Mr. Peeveme and the Dr. were there. I was on the table...looking at the heartbeat...and my first thought was, "It's not the same".

I couldn't believe it. After all that time, effort money and emotional energy and here I was looking at the heartbeat and I felt...disappointment. I walked to my car and in my head I had this ringing, "It's just not the same". I did not have the elation I had when I saw Piccolinna's heartbeat. When I saw Piccolina I cried with joy. I cried this time too....but unknown to my husband and the Dr. I was crying becasue my first thought was, "It's not the same" and felt guilty about it. That's hard to admit.

I tried to shrug it off (as I do with most emotional things especially when they are not rational) but it only got worse. As the nausea and fatigue set in my mental state got worse. "What was I thinking? I can't do this. I can barely handle one kid right now...how can I handle another ...and one I might not love as much....or one who might end up resenting me, not seeing me as her mother. What the hell did I do?".

I didn't panic. I just felt it, acknowledge it for a moment then pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I tried to think logically. I remembered when I was in the 1st trimester with Piccolina I felt similarly doubtful and overwhelmed. The hormones and fatigue can really make one wish they weren't pregnant and doubt their ability to be a mom. "That's all it is" I told myself. "Normal 1st trimester doubts". It's just because I did Donor Eggs that I am extra sensitive to those feelings.

I trusted that they would go away when the fog of the 1st trimester lifted. It felt real at the time...but I didn't want to give it too much influence since I was hoping it was temporary. I just held on. I didn't post much during this time. I didn't talk to anyone. I just endured. And hoped.

I also think that this being a 2nd child has something to do with the way I was feeling. I think the 2nd time around, one is less excited. It's not new, your are not as nervous, joyous ect. I think that is normal but again since this child is from a Donor I am extra sensitive any time I remember being happier, more excited ect with Piccolina.

In addition to all this, we were having (still are) having financial difficulty (who isn't?). So that also added to my anxiety level and my doubts.

Since the 2nd trimester I am feeling differently like I thought I would. I am happy, I am excited. I am looking forward to having this baby. I think I am as happy as I would be if this were my genetic child and my conflicted feelings are not a reflection of my love, excitement and anticipation for this child. I also think the 2nd child is just different from the first...no matter what the genetics.

I'm just trying to keep it all in perspective but I think with Donor Eggs perspective is harder to come by. This pregnancy is just different from my first and Donor Eggs is just one aspect.

I thought that once I got pregnant it would be smooth sailing and I was a little surprised when it didn't happen that way. I was shocked by my emotional response. I was really side swiped by that. I wonder if I had not had a genetic child if I would have had those doubts? I'm in a really good place now. It took time and I know I will be dealing with aspects of Donor Eggs for a long time...possibly a lifetime but I hope it becomes just one small aspect of our family story...not the whole story.

DE related post-Learning to Live with Being Conflicted

I want to elaborate on my last post becasue I don't want to mislead anyone about my ongoing emotional journey with Donor Eggs. To a certain extent I am still "in process" and I think I always will be in some form (either myself or my children or my family when they find out). I was just so happy the other day to realize I was over a huge hump and wanted to share. I want be reassuring but I also want to be realistic.

When I first started to look into Donor Eggs (after completely dismissing it as "not for me") I would read blogs and messages boards that would say things like, "you'll never look back". And when I got there..the BFP...I did look back. And while I am over the moon right now I was not always over the moon.

While I feel wholeheartedly what I wrote in my last post...I still wish I did not have to have done DE. I wish regular IVF could have worked. Again, I love this baby and would not change things as they have turned out but if I had it all to do over again....the usual way would have been my first choice. I don't want to mislead any of you. I have had my low points with the DE thing. Mostly pre-cycle and the 1st trimester. Now that I am here...30 weeks pregnant... I am so glad this did work. For me it was the right choice...despite my doubts...which I think are normal and healthy.

Yes, I have had doubts. No, I do not think those will ever completely go away and they will get tons more complicated as this child grows up and she begins to deal with some of the emotions I have been dealing with.

But there is love and gratitude and I know that everything is going to be ok. Not so long ago I did not believe that everything would be ok. I know that some of you are there right now...not sure...terrified it wont work...terrified what is means if it does work. I was there, too, and it got kinda-of bad for a while.

Next post...my first thought when I had that first u/s and saw the heartbeat and the weeks I thought I had made a terrible mistake.

Finally a DE Related Post

Just a passing thought I had today..not a long-well thought out post about Donor Eggs. Just a quick thought.

Today I thought, what if? What if I could magically change this fetus for one with my genetics. What if I could have that baby I wanted a year ago (before this DE adventure) but it meant this one would not exist. And I, without a second thought, chose this one.

I don't want A baby...I want this baby even though it's not my DNA. I want her. She is exactly who she is supposed to be. My DNA could not improve upon her.

Omg twice in one day. This grad ceremony is taking forever. This sucks. 6 hours of torture in one day.

a 12 hour day...half of which was absolute torture. I'm may have to fake labor to get out of here. It's bad enough on a normal day but it's my birthday. Poor me.

In meeting hell

.....please send help. Lordy! This is torture. Focus people. I have other things to do today.

-posted from my iphone.

My Birthday is coming up...I wonder what Mr. Peeveme has planned...

If it's even 1/8th this over-the-top and trying-too-hard I will worry about the state of our marriage.

OMG, is it just me or are these two of the most annoying people on earth?

Dean McDermott Goes All Out for Tori Spelling's Birthday


He gets a tattoo to profess his "undying love for my gorgeous wife", threw a surprise party, surfing lessons. "I wanted her to have a special birthday because she's the love of my life," he says of the weekend. "She deserves the world."


I think a good partnership means doing little things every day that show respect, honoring, commitment and love. Offering to do my day-care pick up, buying me peanut butter even though it makes Mr. Peeveme gag. It's the everyday that builds a marriage not the celebratory days.

I'm not saying they don't have a good marriage...how would I know but methinks the dude doth proclaims too much.

Baby Mommas

Sometimes Mr. Peeveme and I have inappropriate conversations about DE. IDK, sometimes we just make jokes about it. I'm sure we are not alone. The other day he called me his "Baby Momma". We then realized that I was only 1 of 3 Baby Mamas of his. Nolan's mom, me and the donor. We had a good laugh about that becasue it makes him sound like an irresponsible louse who can't keep it in his pants when he is actually a good, caring father and husband. 3 Baby Mommas!

Perfect Moment Monday

My perfect moment was just now. I was trying to come up with a perfect moment from this past weekend and realized there were way to many pick just one.

Thank Goodness...I'm anemic

Ok so that title probably isn't exactly what I intended to convey but I am relieved as all get-out to find a reason for my being so tired. I was thinking maybe I was too old and I was getting really down on myself or being so friggin tired and fatigued all the time. I remembered having so much energy with Piccolina. I would challenge anyone to a foot-race in my stilettos at the drop of the hat. I was one of those super-woman pregnant ladies who not only worked up until the due date but 10 days beyond my due date. Then, one day,I went home from work and had a baby. I never took a day off work. I kept up with all my house work and walked everyday. With this pregnancy I was doubting myself becasue I just didn't feel like I thought I should. The fact that I was not bounding with energy and needed to sit a while when I got home from work instead of launching into a brisk walk, making dinner, doing dishes and folding laundry got me a little sad and introduced self-doubt. Also, I am prone to second guessing every little negative feeling because of the DE. So I am very relieved to have a legit medical reason for being such a sloppy, sloth-y, sad-sack.

Two weeks of iron supplements and an iron -rich diet (Good thing I love lentils and Total Cereal, spinach) I am already feeling better.

Swine-dled

We just had a meeting about our "plan" for the H1N1 virus (formerly known as Swine Flu). So we are stockpiling hand sanitizer and masks and will be distributing both to our students and staff. Apparently there is a run on both these items so we sent someone to the local huge quantity store right away to get them before they sold out.

I guess it has escaped everybody's notice that hand sanitizers and most masks do little to prevent the spread of the virus.

From what I understand the kinds of mask needed to help protect one from infection are N95 particulate masks...basically hospital grade. They are more effective when infected people use then to prevent spreading the virus but their ability to prevent a healthy person form catching the virus is questionable.

As for hand sanitizers...they claim to kill bacteria, not viruses and their efficacy in killing bacteria is questionable for those that contain less that 60% alcohol(although that hasn't stopped me from pumping mine a whole lot more than normal). Check out your hand sanitizer...does it claim to kill viruses? Mine says "germs"* (which means bacteria). So they probably will not kill the N1H1 virus. It might but I have not found anything that says it will.

Anyhow, I just sat there saying nothing because I don't want to be the bitch who injects a bit a fact into our plans.

I know there are some medical types out there who probably know more than I do (Am I high on germ-X fumes here?) but a few google searches of non-advertisement sites tell me that masks and sanitizers really don't do much other than make us feel safer.

Even our Campus health professional was buying into the mask/sanitizer thing...so I shut my trap. The only thing that would come out of my saying something would be me being seen as a contrarian, know-it-all.


I'm not judging anyone who uses sanitizers or masks (Ok little judgment on the masks becasue really...seems kind-of dramatic especially if you are in an areas without any infections). My own hands are so dry from all the sanitizer but I do think we should understand that these are largely measures to make us feel safer....not make us safe.

But the sanitizer and mask companies are going to make a mint!

Silver Lining and a Conspriacy Theory

Never let it be said that I am a complainer. Ok, I am a HUGE complainer (Hey, I do have some self-awareness....I'm just powerless to stop it) but every now and then I try to find the silver lining (as ridiculous as it may be).

Once, my mother told me that now that I was pregnant everyone knew I had had sex. Yes, I'm nearly 40 and married to a hot man so to assume I have the sex isn't what I'd call wild speculation or particularly scandalous but if proof were needed, a pregnant belly would indeed be proof...for most women. (Clearly, my mother has some deep, long-standing Catholic guilt about sex which she unsuccessfully tries to pass along to her kids.) And I told her, "We'll they'd be wrong about that. Mr. Peeveme and I were not even in the same town when we conceived."

So I guess when Piccolina or Bambina asks how they were made I can say, "When a mother and father love each other very much they go to see a Dr. and a team of highly trained professionals who, for lots of $$$$$.....

Not that I'm trying to maintain my virgin status or anything and I mean no disrespect to The Virgin Mary but my conceptions have been immaculate. Maybe that's the real reason the Catholic Church is against IVF?

Parable Corner

This isn't really a parable. I just found out that parables tend to have human characters. Sorry about the inaccurate post-tile but I do love this story and wanted to share.

Do you know the difference between the Dead Sea and the very much alive Sea of Galilee? The Dead Sea has no outlet. Both are fed by the same source but the Dead Sea can only receive an inward flow. The Dead Sea is prevented from flowing outward and the accumulation of salt has killed it. The Sea of Galilee is alive only because what flows in can also flow out.

-From The Story Factor, Annette Simmons

Perfect Moment Monday

Today I am going to pay my embryo storage fees. I'm paying for the year so it's going to be hefty.

I never thought I'd even have that privileged.

Thanks to the Donor.

Pregancy Update

Some of you may not want to read this becasue you are in a bad infertility place right now. Others might not want to read this becasue it's long and boring. You've been warned.


I have been mum on my pregnancy. I have been reluctant to post much for many reasons. At first it was a lot take in and I was deep in the throws of 1st trimester symptoms. I was dealing with some emotional issues related to DE (which will become it's own post). I have the usual level of guilt many former infertiles have and am careful not to go on and on about how super-awesome it is to be pregnant. Don't get me wrong...it is super-awesome but I always felt a bit ...miffed... when former interfiles get pregnant and completely forget what it's like still be in the trenches. I think everyone can and should glow but I do want to have a certain amount of sensitivity. It's a hard line to find but I read many blogs that have done just that (been happy about their pregnancy but maintained a certain sensitivity). Other times I feel hurt (even thought I am pregnant) or annoyed by what can come across as carelessness. I fear coming across that way.

That being said here is my update.

I am 25 weeks as you can tell from my widget. Everything looks great. Other than the time I had a stuck uterus everything is textbook and healthy. As of today I am at a 16 lb weight-gain which is exactly what I should be. Baby is kicking all the time. I feel bigger than last time around but I think that's normal for a second pregnancy.

All tests on baby look fine. Since the donor was 27 at the time of transfer and all screening test have come back in normal ranges I did not do an amnio. If we were using my old eggs I would certainly have done one but for this pregnancy it I didn't think it was neccessary. Plus amnios are scary and painful. Overall I'm just a lot less stressed about this pregnancy than I was the first time. Again, I think that is standard with a 2nd pregnancy. Plus having a younger, healthy egg helps my anxiety level.

At the level 2 u/s everything measured healthy. All parts of baby and me are on track and accounted for. Baby didn't not cooperate so we do not know the sex. The tech said he thought it is probably a girl so we'll go with that. I would like to know with more certainty but an eductaed guess is good enough for me. Besides, all I really wanted to know from that test is that baby has a brain and that it's kidneys are on the inside. Not that I want to be surprised...I like to plan, pick out a name, bond...but I can do all that with a 75% chance. I could pay for another u/s but 1) I don't want to spend the money 2) I'm not in love with doing medically unnecessary tests. So we'll just go with the assumption that she is a she.

I am thrilled either way. I had no preference about sex going into this. A girl is easier since we have all the stuff. If it turns out to be a boy...he'll have to wear some pink at first. No big deal. Actually with Piccolina I bought mostly gender neutral stuff anyhow so it will all work. Plus it gives me more lobbying room to get Mr. Peeveme to agree to #3. I would like to try for a boy (even though 3 girls sounds pretty awesome too). He's dead-set against a #3. Even though he agreed last year to a #3 and we have 7 blasts on ice. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

No preparations have begun for this baby. Really. Nothing. I figure I have everything I need. It's just a matter of getting it out of the garage and assembling it. The most time consuming thing I will have to do is get all the clothes out of their storage bags and wash them and rearrange the kids drawers and closet to accommodate two sets of clothes. (Two sets of clothes...I could pinch myself)

With this pregnancy I seem to be a lot more tired. I remember having more energy last time. I have 3 explanations 1) I am 3 years older 2) I have a toddler 3) I am not able to take care of myself like I did the last time (see reason #2). I am also having some issues with incontinence (again, normal 2nd pregnancy stuff). Every time I laugh I pee a little which, in turn, make me laugh even harder becasue I think it's funny....it's a vicious and damp cycle.

Since I am at the point of viability I did contact my doula. I would really like to go unmendicated again and without her I would not have made it through an unmediated-induced labor. She's open during our due date! So I need to read my book and start doing my Kegels which should also help with that little incontinence problem I mentioned.

Ok so that's about it. We are healthy and on track. Baby is probably a girl. Have done nothing to prepare but I don't really need to yet. One or two trips to BabiesRus and and weekend of washing and folding should do it. I'm only 25 weeks so as long as things continue on this healthy path I have lots of time. I say that now....once that nesting energy kicks in I will probably have all that nervous energy and freak myself out. The biggest thing I have to do is prepare myself for unmedicated labor: read, make that mental commitment, meet with my doula.

When people ask me how I am doing I tell them great. Everything is just great...becasue it is. Of course, I have the normal pregnancy issues (so tired, uncomfortable, stressed, heartburn) but really it's wonderful to have all those inconveniences.

They way I describe it to folks is: "I am stupid-happy morning, noon and night".

Mascot Question and Answer

Question from Parenthood for Me

That must be so satisfying. I have a question for you. I live in W. NY. Home of the Iroquois Tribes. I live in a town called Irondequoit. Our town name means "Where the land and waters meet" because our suburb is surrounded by water on three sides. Our high school mascot was an Indian head and our team names was the Irondequoit Indians. The name and logo were changed in 2003. Our residents were disappointed b/c our town name is NA. What is your opinion on this? Was our mascot and name offensive? I have always wanted to ask Native American their opinion.


Answer:


Thank you so much for your comment about the mascot issue. I know it can be confusing for people especially when it is not done out of malice. I understand that many communities do not intend to offend Indian peoples.

In regard to your specific question about if the high school mascot was offensive...in a word, yes. It is always offensive to use Native Americans as mascots even if that is not the intent. Now, if the school was named for a prominent Indian person (say ..Oren Lyons) then that would be an honor. The way Americans honor their peoples is to name the school, bank, airport, street after them....not the mascot. So Sitting Bull High School is a completely different thing then having Indians/Warriors/Braves as the mascot. Does that make sense?

To put in into another context: John F. Kennedy High School is an honor to one of our Presidents. Having the Cheerleader dress up in bill-box hats and calling them the Jackie-ettes would not be honorable.


Thanks again for your question. I think it's important for people with honest questions to have the forum to ask them in without fear of being attacked.

Peeveme

The Step Son- The Infertility Angle

I can't tell you how hard it is to be raising someone else's kid while going through infertility. It's unreal. If infertility is hard you can double that emotional difficulty if you are also raining someone else's kid. All the sacrifice...none of the joy. I know that sounds harsh but when you are raising a difficult teenager (is there any other kind?)there is no joy. Just survival. Keep in mind that he lived with us full-time and Mr. Peeveme traveled a lot.

Until I came into the picture Mr. Peeveme never really parented Noland. He lived on the other side of the country and when Nolan was visiting he would stay with his grandparents and Mr. Peeveme would show up for dinner then go out or go home and Nolan would sleep at his grandparents house. When Mr. Peeveme and I got engaged I began to push for Mr. Peevme to be the one Nolan stayed with when he was visiting. He'd go to his grandparents for the day while Mr. Peeveme was working but would eat dinner/sleep at Mr. Peeveme's house. Mr. Peeveme really needed to be more of a father to Noland at least for the few weeks a year he was here. I was worried my MIL would hate me because I was taking her grandson away from her...turns out she literally praised God for me. She knew Nolan needed his dad but what surprised me is that she also said that he needed me. Once he moved here she told me that since I had come around she could see a change in Nolan. He seemed happier although I'm not sure that is the right word. Maybe more at ease, secure.

I looked forward to building our family.

When Nolan came to live with us we had already been TTC for a few months. Then the months of charting, the testing, 7 failed clomid cycles and 2 injectable cycles.


In addition to the resentment that comes with raising someone eles's kid while not being able to have your own, the lack of privacy in my own home was the hardest thing. Think about doing all your infertility stuff and trying to keep it private from someone living in your home. Logistically and emotionally it's very difficult.

Keeping my medicines hidden away, voice-mail messages from my RE, I couldn't even have an argument, sex or a good cry in my own home without being very aware that I had to be very quiet.

I remember one ironic moment when Noland was 17(ironic and horrific). Mr. Peeveme was away. I went out to the garage to go to work and I found a used condom in the floor. I called Mr. Peeveme and told him. When I got home that night it was gone (thanks goodness...soooo don't want to have THAT conversation with my step-son). But it's ironic...I'm desperately trying to get pregnant and my step-son is trying to prevent getting his girlfriend pregnanct. At least he was using a condom.

Side story: I was also very pissed that his girlfriend was at our house when we were not home and having sex in our house. Her parents had a rule that Nolan could not be at her house if they were not there. We made the same rule. So when Mr. Peeveme spoke to Nolan about the condom he mentioned that she was not to be here and he was not to be there if there were no parents home. Nolan told Mr. Peeveme that her parents didn't mind anymore. Mr. Peeveme asked him how he knew that. Noland confidently informed Mr. Peeveme, "They made that rule before they knew me. Now they like me". Of course, there was no change of the rule (I spoke with her mom to confirm...but I did not mention the condom). It was just Nolan thinking he's so charming, embellishing, lying.

When I finally got pregnant and had a baby I had no privacy. Trying to breastfeed, bond, etc. No time alone. His mother, who lived with her boyfriend nearby would not let him stay for more than one night. Her live-in boyfriend had once made the comment to me that Nolan was not a very good house guest. I wanted to have a week to myself to heal, learn to breastfeed, bond. I'd be up multiple times a night with the baby and had no place to go. I left my bedroom because Mr. Peeveme was sleeping. I could not go in the family room because Noland's was room adjacent and the noise woke him up. I'd sit in the kitchen. It may seem like a small thing but I really wanted to be able to sit on a comfortable sofa and watch a little TV in the middle of the night while breastfeeding a colicky baby. Instead I was sitting on a hard chair in the kitchen.

When Piccolina was born he simply ignored her. He absolutely never acknowledged her existence. Never looked at her, used her name, asked about her, and was put-out anytime we had to stop listening to his long "I'm so great" stories to tend to her. I can see a 6 year old being jealous that but a 16 year old? I don't expect a teenage boy to take an interest in a baby but there was something very wrong with his behavior;the way he absolutely ignored her existence. It's one thing to not be that interested but another thing to completely ignore a baby. Mr. Peeveme would purposely walk near Noland while holding her and Noland would leave the room. Nolan's grandparents, aunt, my parents all found it very disturbing. I actually didn't care that much. It just confirmed what I already knew about Nolan: he has emotional and character issues that run very deep.


When we were trying for number 2....more Dr.s appointments, medicines/needles to hide (which is hard to do for medicines that need refrigeration). When I had a miscarriage at home I had to stifle my cries of pain and anguish. That day I went to work, came home and cooked dinner then excused myself from the table to go upstairs and had a miscarriage as quietly as I could. During those m/c months (took about a month between the time I found out I would m/c and the actual m/c plus another 6 weeks before my HCG was down to 0) I was depressed, angry, short tempered, you know, your basic sad chick and I had no privacy to mourn.


It's not Nolan's fault that I'm infertile. It's not his fault that his mom cares more about her boyfriend than him but I can't tell you how hard it is to help parent someone else's messed-up kid while I am trying desperately to have my own. Resentment is impossible to avoid.

I think I will always feel robbed of my privacy both when I was infertile and when I was a new mom. Again, not Nolan's fault...it;s just the way it was but his lying, manipulation, weirdness abotu the baby didn't help this situation. He;s not responsible for his mothers' irresponsibility or my infertility but he is responsible for his own behaviors.

It was not a good time for any of us. Things seem to be getting better though. I am pregnant (YEA!)and when we told Nolan while he was visiting in December he actually said with real sincerity (I can tell when he's bullshitting) "Oh, wow, Congratulations".

He has found a good job; no small thing in this economy. He just moved into a new apartment. So it looks like with this baby I will have some privacy.