Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Don't hate me like a Duggar

I'm going to do something that is almost guaranteed to loose me half my readership. Talk about my weight. I am thin. There, I said it. It's not like I have to work to keep weight on but I do not have to work to keep it off either. My goal had always been to be healthy...not skinny. I have not dipped below a BMI of 18. I eat pretty much what I want. I eat healthy most of the time but never think twice about indulging.

In my defense I earned this. I spent an entire decade (in my 20s') lifting weights and running everyday. I was into fitness and loved how hard work could transform my body. I was a chubby teenager with body-imagine issues (who wasn't?). I loved how being physical gave me so much energy and drive. It cleared my mind. And I was awesomely fit. Abs, sculpted arms and shoulders, I could wear a bikini without wrapping something around my waist. I earned that. I was stronger than many of the guys at the gym. I earned that, too. But is wasn't about looking good although that was a great side effect. I truly enjoyed working out. I enjoyed challenging myself. I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment when I was stronger, faster than I was the week before.

I have spent the past 10 years coasting off that work. In my 30's with a career, TTC, being a mom/wife I have not exercised regularly. And yet, I'm still pretty thin. I have the occasional spasm of good intention. I did some regular exercise after the birth of Piccolina (before I went back to work). I also did a few weeks of the push-up challenge before IVF #3. But nothing that I was able to sustain.

I wish I had the stamina and discipline to exercise regularly. And now that I'm pregnant there is not much I can do. Once I get some energy back I can walk, lift some light weights, maybe even check out some yoga DVD's. That's the plan.

Mostly, I don't want to eat like a pig the way I did with my 1st pregnancy. I gained at least 42 pounds. On a 5'3" frame that is a lot of weight. I probably gained more but I stopped counting the last week of the pregnancy after I gained 5 pounds in one week the week before.

I didn't just balloon up for no reason. I ate. And I ate crap. My sweet tooth during pregnancy is unbelievable. I'd have a half package of Oreos, a full pack of Now and Laters and then at night I'd eat handful after handful of Capt'n Crunch with Crunchberries. Plus regular meals. Ah, on I could not get enough hot dogs to save my life (I know those are a pregnancy "don't"). For someone who is pretty health-conscious I don't know how I let myself do all that. It's amazing that I did not get gestational diabetes. After the pregnancy I found out that I was borderline. I was a bit miffed that I kept getting the "all clear". I guess they just tell you when you are in the danger zone. But I don't want to just avoid danger. I want to be optimal.

I also need to take responsibility for my actions. I knew there was no way in hell I could eat popcorn and Red Vines for dinner and still be in optimal health.

It's really not about the weight for me. I do not freak out about gaining weight for pregnancy. I can understand how that can make a woman panicky but I do not have that issue. I just need to be healthier. Healthy weight gain during pregnancy is one thing. Mine was not healthy. I need to get back to a place where I have some self control and self discipline.

It's not like I look at picture of me from 10 years ago and want to be that person. I'm happier now. I think I am a better person now. What I do miss is being able to take up a challenge. I miss having that determination and follow-through. I know it's still in me. Somewhere.

I can feel myself getting sick of me. Being disappointing in me. I can feel the slide starting. It's time to nip it in the bud. I am not going to end up a few years down the line wondering where I went. Who the hell am I and how did I get myself into a place where I don't like or recognize myself? The worse thing in the world is to loose respect for yourself.

I think the external things (how much I weight, how my ass looks in a bathing suit) are just symptoms of the internal. I have drive. I have follow-through. I can meet a challenge. I can be mindful of how I live, what I put into my body and what kind of example I set for my family. If the internal is doing well the external will fall into place.

First order of business: I need to shop better so I have food with me that I can eat instead of running to the vending machine for a Three Musketeers bar (My goodness those things are tasty!) I'm better off eating some junk-food that I bring from home in pre-determined amounts rather than going to the bookstore and then seeing how many mint Milanos I can shove in my mouth in the 2 mins before my next meeting (7 by the way). Too bad the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating) does not have a mint Milano category. I'd be all over that!

So here it is. I am vowing to do better this time.

My goals for this week.

1) Exercise twice. Just twice for at least 10 mins. It can be anything and does not have to be strenuous.
2) Make it through the rest of the week without buying and eating any junk food from the vending machine or bookstore. I can eat junk food if I wish but never at the expense of an actual meal and the food must come from home.

Now that it's out on the internets I have to follow through.


Ophelia said...

I don't know why anyone would hate you.

Even skinny people are allowed to talk about weight issues. I hate how it's only *acceptable* for overweight people to talk about weight. No, we all have goals and things we'd like to personally achieve. No one else gets to decide that for us. Screw anyone who is going to try to tell YOU what YOU should already be happy with. Only YOU get to decide that.

I support you.

Chelle said...

I, too, was super into working out about ten years ago. The healthiest I had ever been.. I have gained weight since then, but I don't consider myself over weight. I am working on getting back my health... not my body, my health. I completely agree that our body is a reflection of what's inside.

You have that drive and it's all about will power! Good for you to set some goals. You will do it!

YOU GO GIRL! (I have never really been able to pull that off, but I try. lol)

THanks again for your advice. I really appreciate it.

Mermaid said...

Love, love, love the title! But, can't hate you. Seems a common theme - super fit, athletic earlier in life, not fat, but not fit now. That's my story. I wish I exercised like I used to. I blame my long days at work and commute (rightfully), but there is still time if I made it a priority. Eating healthy is a challenge. It takes discipline and effort. Loads of luck to you!

nancy said...

I gained so much from eating badly with my 1st 2 pregnancies. This time, however, was a breeze. I still gained 21 lbs, but that's a far cry from the 50 I gained with the girls. So good for you for thinking about eating better this time. You'll be happy.

Lorraine said...

I was never athletic, really. I did all the yoga/gym stuff - especially after my daughter was born - but I am just not ever going to be muscular. I am kind of naturally long and lean, so I can kind of get away with being out of shape for a while - but I think that ultimately I'm in the same boat you're in now, anyway.

I need to just try not to lose too much ground during this pregnancy - I like your small promises, because keeping them will probably be fairly easy. So, you've inspired me - maybe I'll be able to stick to it if I don't try to be Fitness Preggo all at once...

tonya said...

I think it's great you know your body, know what it can do, and know what it takes to keep yourself healthy and happy. That's really all that matters.

I was always thin in adolescence and into my 20s. Then I discovered good food and fine wine, and gained a few pounds. Too much work, no working out. Not a good combo.

I ended up losing weight during my first pg during the 1st and 2nd trimesters because of the all-day sickness and food aversions. It was NOT my goal, but even that and BF left me still overweight. All the losses and IF treatments added another 25 lbs. before #2. I lost 60+ lbs. after my son was born, and LOVED IT.

I've managed to keep right around the weight I was at when I got married until this month. December and January have been MUCH too stressful, and I've eaten too much crap. I see what is happening, and I don't want to go back to being overweight again.

I hope, like you, that I can stop the slide and get back to my happier place. (Not that you really need to worry about it during pg, I know you know that). Thanks for putting the thought in my mind to start small. It is good food for thought.

Teresa said...

I knew without you even saying anything that you were a skinny bitch. I'm sending stretch mark vibes your way. hehe

Good luck with your goals this week mama! You can totally knock those out one by one easily. ;)

Jewels said...

I giggle at how much we're parallel with each other right now, I have a plan of going to the health food store and buying healthy junk food, hey, it's a start, right?
I've committed to doing Yoga stretches every night before bed (and Keegls) which helps me sleep better, and to go work out at the gym at least once a week, I'll stretch, walk for 10-20 min, lift a couple weights, and I'm done.
I'm also marking all my food I eat on Babyfit.com. It helps keep things in perspective for me, I over do everything, if I eat - I over eat, if I don’t eat, I don’t eat anything, I'm either a 400 or 4000 cal dieter. So it helps me eat more or less when needed. I don’t want to gain the 57lb I gained with Dylan either.

April said...

Just popping in to say hello. I've never visited your blog before! :-)

I think you have a great plan. I went into this pregnancy OUT of shape and trying to lose weight but I got pregnant before that happened. I've gained five pounds already and it's freaking me out. I DON'T want to be obsessed with the scale my entire pregnancy so I vowed to myself to just eat healthier (cut WAY back on Cheetos, pizza and m-n-m's in the process, LOL!) and I *hope* to not go gain-crazy (this is my first pregnancy). I give you credit for making this change! Skinny, overweight, whatever, it is great for all of us to eat RIGHT. :-)

Renovation Girl said...

Former skinny girl here. I was lucky to be skinny from a great metabolism, but thanks to getting older, having hypothyroidism and IF treatments I have gained too much weight and have many of the same goals that you do. These sound great. GOOD LUCk! And keep us posted!!!