Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Are You Ready for Some Bitching?

Good Lord. When will I learn? Why do I go to these "suggested" classes? When will I realize that I am far too annoyed by clueless fertile people to be able to sit through their oblivious banter?

This was a course on "having another baby". The leader is the same women who lead all the Hospital courses when I was pregnant with Piccolina and neither DH nor I can stand her. First, her presentations have exactly 4% information and 96% long stories. And, since my time is valuable I can not bear taking two hours to do something that should take 1/2. Drives me bonkers.

But the most annoying part is that during all those long stories she tries to be funny and fails miserably. And the she laughs and laughs at her own jokes. The first time I took her class I thought I must be on some hidden camera show or something because this shit couldn't be real. I got to know her in a different context when I was in a mommy and baby class while I was on maternity leave. She's actually a really nice woman but when she's "on" it's a like fingers on a chalk board. I just can't take her schtik.

So there was that.

But then we get to the "let the moms visit with each other" phase of this multi-tiered torture event. Lordy. Of course, nobody had any trouble getting pregnant. They are all having a 2nd or 3rd child right on cue. Now, I'm already sort of agitated and then I'm thrown in with a bunch of folks who have no idea how amazing all this is. No idea how precarious all this is. No idea that babies don't just fall into your lap whenever you want (at least not for everyone).

I tried, I really did, to be on my best behavior but I can only fight my nature so much. Let's recap shall we?

Fertile #1. I shall call her the "Oprah" becasue she insisted on being our "Leader". I know we all love Oprah on the show but you just know that she never lets anyone else pick the restaurant and always takes shotgun. Anyhow, "Oprah" spoke first and then called on people. WTF? And then commented on each person's response. That's like a 2 to 1 talking/listening ratio. Fact about me: When I see someone doing that I immediately begin to challenge them for the "leadership" position. Not becasue I think I'm better but because I hate when people assume they get to call the shots. Who elected you Mayor? Just a little group-dynamic thing I have going on. Hey Oprah, there are 5 others here. 5 people are certainly able to share their stories without a facilitator. She's on her 3rd child. Her first is 15. Second is 5. She's 33 and talking about how different it is being an "older" mom. 33 as "older". Yea honey, you can kiss my 38-year old- dimpled ass. Since she has a teenager she's all things expert on sibling dynamics which might have been relevant if someone else in the group actually had a teenager (which no one did).

Oh, I almost forgot the best part. She announced that this would be her last pregnancy because after this child they were going to adopt. She's going to be just like Angelina Jolie. I'm not shitting you. She used those words. I bit my tongue hard. I very much wanted to, but did not, proceed to pepper her with questions designed to point out how stupid that flippant comment was. Really? Adoption huh? Domestic or international? What agencies are you considering? What county? Any thoughts on the home study? Do you have any mental illness, obesity or any other things that many countries screen for? Wow, can you or your husband spend to require 3 weeks to 6 month required by most countries? What is your definition of an ethical adoption? And the million other things one must consider about adoption that I have learned from my bloggy friends who are currently or have been down that path. Not that I know everything about adoption but I know enough to know that I don't know jack.

But by all means..."just" adopt.

Fertile #2 Was just not my cup of tea. I shall call her "Me, Me, ME!". She is also on her 3rd child (ages 4 and 2). She got all wistful that this will be her last. Whatever. Cry me a river, egg dropper. She was all kinds of whiny about how you don't get to bring in your family until the last 10 mins. during the Level 2 u/s. I know I'm talking out of a place of fear...and I own that (sarcasm) but for me and other people who have had a m/c, who have lost a baby, are mothers of advanced age, I'm just hoping to see that my baby has a brain or that it's kidneys are on the inside of his body. The technician is a professional who is trying to do their job and by all means I want them to be able to focus and do it well. My gleeful shits and giggles are a secondary concern as are the gleeful shits and giggles of my DH, my toddlers, my MIL, and my cleaning lady.

I, gently as possible, reminded her that this is an important medical screening exam. The technician has dozens of measurements to take on a squirming fetus and that the health of the baby was the primary reason for the u/s not gender identification or a family reunion. Ok I said it slightly nicer than that (maybe).

She was also annoyed by the fact that the hospital has you bring in a urine sample for your appointments. She wants to just do it there at the appointment. I pointed out that if everyone did that it would extend the amount of time needed for each appointment. As it is Dr. s only have a few mins to get from patient to patient. I'd rather carry around some urine than have to wait even longer for my appointment. Her response, "Whatever. It's stupid". And then we exchanged e-mails. (JK)

Sohelpme if I see her in the waiting room and she isn't carrying a vial of pee.....

Let's see. Who else? There was "Tonya Harding" A teaching who told her whole 4th grade glass she was pregnant at 8 weeks. WTF?

There was PYT (Pretty-Young-Thing) who was 6 weeks (she thinks). I will never get used to people not knowing. I know to the day and hour like any self-respecting infertile does.

And last but not least was "Laura Dern". She was 16 weeks and seemed very nice. Actually, the only annoying thing about her was that she did not provide me with ANY ammunition for making fun of her. And that's saying something becasue I'm merciless.

And so concludes my compliance with these suggested courses. I'm sure all the people I would have met would be relieved if they only knew how close they came to being skewered in my blog.

There was one woman who was not in my small group that has been on my mind. She's young...probably 20-ish. Each participant introduced themselves, the number of weeks pregnant they are and how old their other children are. She said she was 10 weeks pregnant and her son was 7 months and she was fighting back tears. And I just wanted to hug her. While I have little patience for clueless infertiles I have a huge amount of empathy for the over fertile. She was clearly overwhelmed. For some reason I wanted to reach out. Since we were in different small groups and I had to leave early I didn't get a chance to. I'm not sure what I would have said or done. Maybe just a kind, reassuring word. Maybe give her my card? I don't know what form it would have taken but I regret I didn't have (or make) the chance. It's not often I get a surge of compassion especially for someone who is pregnant and doesn't want to be. There was just something in her voice, her demeanor that spoke to me. I wish I had just reached out. I dislike that I did nothing. Everyone does nothing. Few people have the courage and compassion to act. I try to be the kind to act. This time I let a chance slip away.


Pepper said...

I love your descriptions of all the players and would happily have bitch slapped the 33-year old "older mom."

Perhaps you'll encounter the younger overwhelmed mother another time. And then you'll be ready.

Renovation Girl said...

Just the mere fact that you felt the empathy about her situation shows how kind you are! People can often just feel these things without any words being spoken.

Your descriptions of these peole cracked me up...and we've all experienced some level of them in daily life. There should be an infertile commune so we can exist just with others who understand!!

areyoukiddingme said...

"Cry me a river, egg dropper" - ROFL!

Yeah, I would have smacked the 33 year old "older mom" too. When I was pregnant with my daughter, at age 37, my sister-in-law's husband made some stupid remark about having kids before he was 28 because otherwise you're just too old. I said "Really? Are you saying I'm too old?" And he took his stupid self elsewhere. Now, he's 28, and I don't see any babies anywhere at their house...maybe I should remind him.

And, yes, I can't understand people who don't know exactly when that sperm hit that egg. It's just weird.

Ophelia said...

I. hate. People.

Chelle said...

I feel like I was there. I would have popped my top I think...or knowing me, just imploded!

April said...

Wow, I may be considered a "fertile" but I think I THINK like an infertile, it seems. Most of my friends think I'm crazy cuz I know exactly which day past ovulation that I got my BFP and I calculated my EDD before I even made it into the doctor. And I stopped telling people that I was temping while TTC cuz no one seemed to know what i was talking about. And with no reason to worry, I worried ENDLESSLY from that BFP till just about a week or two ago, about miscarriage (a good portion of my friends have gone through m/c, some multiples...not to mention the fact that my dr is a total asshole who basically made it sound like I WOULD m/c just becuz it was my first pregnancy. He's a douche. Which is why I'm switching doctors!)

And I would have wanted to put the smack down on that woman who said she is an "older mom" at 33. I'm 32 and pregnant with my first. I don't consider MYSELF an "older mom". Sheesh! Some people need to think before they speak!

Nic said...

ou had me laughing so hard at your descriptions of people, my DH kept giving me funny looks! I dont know how you managed to make it through that and not comment! I dont think I would have had that much self control!!

Teresa said...

You are SO funny. The egg dropper comment was classic dude. I'll never get used to people not knowing how far along they are either...ever.

I friggin love you!

dreamsandfalsealarms said...

Ugh. that poor woman with the 7 month old. I hear you on the sympathy for the overly fertile.

Grade A said...

Thank you for making me laugh. I need some levity right now. Bitching always makes me feel better.