Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Muffler

Gas is a fact of life. When you are pregnant it is the bane of your existence. It's not just the increased volume and velocity....it's the resonance.

I used to think, "Oh come on! If you really wanted to you could control it". And I was determined not to be one of "those" women who loudly pass gas and blame it on being pregnant. You have a sphincter, use it.

And then, one day at about 20 weeks pregnant, to my horror, I found myself farting involuntarily and very audibly as I walked around T.arget.

I devoted a lot of thought to my new cacophonous state. Maybe I had gotten fat enough that the increased volume of my butt cheeks was creating additional reverberation. After conducting an experiment to test my hypothesis I had to reject it (you don't want to know but perhaps you can imagine). Still noisy. My current and leading theory is increased volume coupled with an ineffective sphincter due to the relaxin is the cause of the audible flatulence. I have yet to determine a proper methodology for a research protocol.

As you know I have been at two conferences in the past two weeks. That's a lot of peeing in public bathrooms right next to colleagues and newly acquired professional acquaintances (who I might like to work for some day). I'm not squeamish about someone hearing me pee. I can hear them too. However, the audible gas is totally embarrassing but what's a gal, who has lost her ability to pass them silently, to do?

I am here to share with you my solution. I call it: The Muffler. Some people may think this TMI but I feel it's a public service especially for the pregnant, sphincter impaired or just plane gassy. The muffler is a simple device made of balled up toilet paper. A puff of toilet paper held firmly against the anal sphincter will muffle, if not completely silence, most gas. I have no idea if I invented this or if other people do it (although I can tell you from experience that not everyone knows how to do this...and they should).

And the muffler is not just good for public bathrooms. How many times have you been in a bathroom in someone's home say, at a party, where the walls were a little thin and people were just outside? It works in that situation as well.

I just wish I could find a solution for when I'm walking around T.arget.

17 comments:

debbie said...

Hilarious!!!!
thanks for the tip. i've never heard of it before. Who knows, you could actually start an entire revolution.

Andrea said...

OMG this is too funny! I had no idea that technique existed or how effective it is! I'm going to have to try it a my 4-day work meeting next month! LOL. Thanks for the tip!

musicmakermomma said...

That is so funny, because it is so true! I love your solution and hopefully I will be in a position to try it out in a few months!

Jojobee said...

LOL! I was cracking up! You have some fabulously hilarious posts! Thanks for sharing, I may have to try it!

littlebitofsomething said...

hahaha! great tip! i'll have to try it out at the airport tomorrow. it's been happening to me on the subway platform lately and i tell myself no one else can hear it if i can't... so what if i'm listening to music on my ipod with the volume turned way up and wouldn't be able to hear it anyway. oops.

BagMomma said...

Too funny.

Riley said...

You are too funny!! I'll definitely have to keep that in mind if I manage to get pregnant this time! If you find a solution to the Target problem, please share! Now, if there was only some tactful way that I could pass this information on to several of my co-workers.

Jewels said...

LMAO - I totally to the TP Muffle. That is so funny how you put it all.
But it's funny.. at home - when I pass gass - the boys go running saying "Pregnant Lady Fart!!" I just grin and gag, yes it even groses me out and usually I can tolorate my own aroma.

Mel said...

I love this, great idea. I have totally given up on caring who hears me fart anymore, it's so shameful.
;)

Lush Floral said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lush Floral said...

LMAO.
Did you ever see that show "American Inventor"? It was like American Idol but for folks who thought they had the next BIG invention that would take the world by storm. Anyway, this one guy totally invented a fart muffler (I wish I could remember what he called it!) that also was a fart-smell-eliminator. LOL. He created it for his wife when she was pregnant! Well, the judges totally laughed him out of the room, but I thought it was a great invention!! Obviously, I watch too much TV.

luna said...

this is hilarious. thanks for the laugh this morning.

onwardandsideways said...

My dear, I've got just the thing for you:

http://yepyep.gibbs12.com/2008/12/gas-right-strips/

your post was hilarious, btw

Renovation Girl said...

I laughed so hard at this I needed your Muffler! Hysterical post!!!!

Ophelia said...

LOL! You're great!

FYI to all women - NEVER blow your nose, sneeze, or cough while sitting on the commode unless you want everyone to hear you fart too. It's going to happen so don't be surprised when it does! MUFFLE IT unless you don't care!

nancy said...

LOL.

I farted at my psuedo baby "shower" (well, bbq) when someone was talking to me. I just said "excuse me" and kept going. I was so fucking embarrassed.

April said...

ROFL!!! Oh my lord, this made me laugh. I tried to explain to my hubby the other day that sometimes the flatulence happens...when I don't even expect it. He doesn't believe me. But it's true!!!