Ok so I going to start documenting some of my DE thoughts even if they are not pretty or make me look bad. Here is one of them.
I'm smart. My DH is smart. Piccolina is smart (although at 2.5 is hard to tell how smart or how that will manifest). I know there are all types of smart but I'm talking about the traditional, school-approved "smart". Actually, I was not thought of as very smart by my teachers while in grade school or high school. I didn't get good grades, I didn't do homework but when I got to College and certainly Grad-school I understand how to succeed in school and ROCKED it. So while I was a slow starter.... I always tested off the charts...school wanted me to skip a grade...I think I was just too immature to make it work. I have always had the raw materials to be nerd-smart...I just didn't not apply them until I was an adult.
Dh has always been "school smart". Good handwriting, good at math, still remembers high school calculus (yes he took calc in high school). His parents never once asked him if he did his homework...he just did it and got really good grades. His parents did not finish grade-school so they could not help him. He did it all on his own.
Here is where I sound elitist and judgmental. I worry the donor is not that smart. I don't want to go into the reasons why because then I'd have to write paragraph upon paragraph stating my evidence...considering opposing evidence...acknowledging the limitations of my evidence and justifying my conclusions none of which I care to do here or anywhere else. All in all I am concerned that Bambina might not have all the genetic equipment to be nerd-smart.
I probably sound irrational and full of myself but part of doing DE means looking at what you value in yourself and mourning the loss of that. It could just as easily been musical ability (which I do have), athletic ability (which I don't),looks (which we'll get to in a another post) or some other quality.
I know that even kids with the same parental DNA can be wildly different and that there are other qualities that are just as important but I am focused on this brain thing for some reason. Not obsessed or anything....it's just something I think about from time to time. It's not nagging.....just present.
And then I feel like an ass for sounding so full of myself, judging someone I have never met who gave me the most generous, compassionate gift imaginable. A person, who, by her profile, seems thoughtful, fun, likable. And then I try to focus on Bambina being kind, compassionate, fun and likable. That would not be so bad for her to have some of those qualities.... the qualities I feel I lack. The people who know me would never use those words to describe me.
But I'm still eating extra protein because of all the brain development that happens in the 3T. What? I can want her to have both smarts and a good personality.
I never worried about these things when I was pregnant with Piccolina. Yes, I wonder what she will be like but I don't worry. I don't think I am worried about Bambina becasue it's not MY DNA....as if MY DNA is some genetic jackpot or something. No, I think I am more worried because I don't want her to feel separate, different, not fully one of us, not fully whole.
While I'm thrilled to let my children be who they are (not mini versions of me; no wish fulfillment or vicarious living here) I have more concerns for my DE child. I am truly excited to see how my children develop. I want to see them become who they are; see what makes then unique (something I might not have fully appreciated if I had not done DE). But what if what makes her unique makes her feel less than or separate from us? I do not have those concerns for my genetic child. Piccolina being different just IS and would not cause any concerns. Bambina being different might cause her confusion or questioning.
So once again with this DE thing I have my concerns and worries that I, as an adult, can navigate through. But I am left with my concerns for my child and how she will feel. I always end up in this place. All I can do is be aware and try to make it ok for her to feel whatever she feels about it.
BTW- I totally know that a lot of things are determined by nurture...but I really believe that nature determines the upper and lower limits. Certain things are set and nurture can only enhance/detract.