Thursday, June 4, 2009

DE related post-Learning to Live with Being Conflicted

I want to elaborate on my last post becasue I don't want to mislead anyone about my ongoing emotional journey with Donor Eggs. To a certain extent I am still "in process" and I think I always will be in some form (either myself or my children or my family when they find out). I was just so happy the other day to realize I was over a huge hump and wanted to share. I want be reassuring but I also want to be realistic.

When I first started to look into Donor Eggs (after completely dismissing it as "not for me") I would read blogs and messages boards that would say things like, "you'll never look back". And when I got there..the BFP...I did look back. And while I am over the moon right now I was not always over the moon.

While I feel wholeheartedly what I wrote in my last post...I still wish I did not have to have done DE. I wish regular IVF could have worked. Again, I love this baby and would not change things as they have turned out but if I had it all to do over again....the usual way would have been my first choice. I don't want to mislead any of you. I have had my low points with the DE thing. Mostly pre-cycle and the 1st trimester. Now that I am here...30 weeks pregnant... I am so glad this did work. For me it was the right choice...despite my doubts...which I think are normal and healthy.

Yes, I have had doubts. No, I do not think those will ever completely go away and they will get tons more complicated as this child grows up and she begins to deal with some of the emotions I have been dealing with.

But there is love and gratitude and I know that everything is going to be ok. Not so long ago I did not believe that everything would be ok. I know that some of you are there right now...not sure...terrified it wont work...terrified what is means if it does work. I was there, too, and it got kinda-of bad for a while.

Next post...my first thought when I had that first u/s and saw the heartbeat and the weeks I thought I had made a terrible mistake.

14 comments:

Riley said...

Thank you so much for elaborating and sharing your thoughts/feelings. It is really so helpful to hear from someone who has been there and is there but just a little further down the road.

Shelli said...

That's a lot to chew on. I completely get where you are coming from. So much of how we process things is situational... for instance, right now all I can think about is getting to that BFP. The "how" is not even on my mind.

I suppose I would have many similar feelings if I were in your shoes. This choice we make to use Donor Eggs, is not easy, and it's not a wham-bam-thank-you-maam decision. It follows us forever.

Cheers to 30 weeks... I am so glad for you!

sprogblogger said...

Thank you for your honesty - as always I look forward to hearing your thoughts through this all. I really respect you & your journey & what you bring to these discussions. it sounds like things are easier for you now than they were in the past, and I am truly happy that that's the case. Am looking forward to the next post.

Nic said...

I think all your thoughts and feelings have been only natural and I am sure if I ever have to consider DE I would go through all the emotions and doubts you did. Cant believe you are at 30 weeks! Where has the time gone?!?!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing DE thoughts - and congrats on the 30 weeks! I remember how creepy the ticker looked at the very beginning!

Lanie said...

DE is such a weird process. I'm really curious to see how you feel after you look into YOUR babies eyes. I hope with all my heart that you see your OWN heart reflected back from those eyes. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about my own DE babies (and there are days when I'm still not sure if they are mine - so surreal), but they are MINE and they are the children that I was meant to have.

I hope you can get to a peaceful place more often than not.

Renovation Girl said...

I love your honesty...and I think I would feel exactly the same way. Just at the point where we were considering it I was thinking along these lines. I can't believe the past 30 weeks have gone so quickly!!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for being so honest about your feelings! I can't even imagine the difficult journey you've had to follow and how emotional the whole process has been for you.

Soapchick said...

Thanks for sharing your feelings. If I get pregnant on my DE cycle I'll be curious to see if I have any of the same feelings you did. I may not because I don't have any children at all yet, but who knows, we'll see. I'll let you know. I find it interesting how we all process this journey.

Just to give you an update because I don't think you are following my private blog - we started the DE cycle May 1st but then they found some polyps 2 weeks into the lupron and we had to stop. I had surgery 2 weeks ago and we'll be starting it all over again June 15th. Looking at mid July ER and ET. Take care Peeveme!

Teresa & Connie said...

You're so refreshing how you don't sugar-coat things. I love it. And I CANNOT believe you are 30 weeks...my God it has flown for me haha.

Chelle said...

I can't even imagine the internal struggles you are going/have gone through.

I am so happy that everything is working out and that before long your daughter will be here for all of us to welcome to the world!

Kami said...

Yes - thank you for sharing your thoughts. My bias is that it would be easier to have a second kid with DE because you have already contributed to the future of the genome. Of course, if it was that easy, no one would struggle with doing DE for a second kid.

I am looking forward to hearing more. It is comforting, in a way, to hear that you have struggled too.

Bluebird said...

Just getting caught up on my reading :) Thank you for your honesty, and for what an insightful post. I've never "been there", but I can totally imagine everything you describe. So glad you're over the "hump" as you said :)

Anonymous said...

Your honesty is refreshing, thank you. We are using donor sperm and I have had so many mixed emotions - and one early miscarriage from the first DIUI after having two from previous IVF cycles.

I do not know how I am going to feel if I ever get and stay pregnant with DS - but I am sure it may not be all sunshine and puppies. Thanks again - it is good to hear the honesty.