Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Donor Egg Related Post: Facebook Ouch!

Somebody I knew from high school posted this on my Facebook wall:

"Pregnant? Huge congrats. You've got beautiful genes and they should be passed down as many times as possible. Happy happy belated. xx"

She has no idea...why would she? Why wouldn't people assume this is my genetic child? I can't blame her. Apparently, I think rather highly of my genes as well!

It's just one of the things I will have to get used to. And eventually, my child will have to get used to. It's just a matter of fact that people will assume a genetic link. It's nothing to obsesses about but it will be a constant reminder.

BTW- Facebook rocks on your birthday. That many well-wishes makes a girl feel great.


Update: I'm not mad at her or anything. It is a nice compliment...just totally not applicable to my situation. Innocent and nice comments like that are just being filtered through my new DE lens (to borrow from Bluebird)and eventually I will get used to it.

Again...I am less concerned for myself and more concerned with how an innocent comment like that will make my child feel.


Bluebird said...

Ouch indeed! Although you're right - why would she have any idea? At the same time it still seems like kind of a strange comment! Then again, I think *lots* of comments are strange now days, what with my new IF-and-baby-loss-colored glasses -- people don't seem to think!

PJ said...

Ugh! She wouldn't know, but still.

And yes, Facebook does rock on your birthday! :) Happy birthday?

sprogblogger said...

Ouch. You know, I don't think a lot of people have any idea that a woman can carry a child she is genetically unrelated to. A painful reminder, but you're right - I'm sure she had no idea and thought she was saying something kind and supportive. Take the comment in the spirit in which it was offered & let it go.

I know, easier said...

Jojobee said...

I've received the same type of comments as well, but I personally have taken them with a grain of salt and as a compliment! Actually, my grandma and others who've seen me when I was little think that Faith looks just like me, which makes me feel great to know that my DE babies could look like me :) I know you've been struggling with the genetic factor and I hope that once you see your little one in your arms, your heart will melt and the DE aspect won't bother you as much. For me, I hardly think of it at all (sometimes I do), but I think that I love them so much and they were wanted so bad that I try not to let it bother me.

Jojobee said...

oh, and happy belated :)

IVF 40+ said...

I was a step mom to three adorable girls. The youngst one was my sweetie. We went everywhere together. People would always say - oh don't you two look alike.
At first I would correct them. After a while, I didn't care. She was my little sweetie and that was all that mattered.
hope this helps.

Sky said...

I'm with Sprogblogger on this - I also don't think 99.9% of people realize it's possible to birth a baby that isn't of your own egg (even if they know you've undergone fertility treatments). Ha! I think it's kind of funny, actually.

And Happy Birthday!

eden said...

Oh. What an unfortunate choice of words she used, out of all the well-wishes in the land she writes about passing on genes!

Yes, how awesome is FB on your birthday. Happy Birthday, by the way! xo

April said...

Happy Birthday!! I hope you had a great day!!

And it's true, if you haven't told them, no one would know if that comment could be hurtful. But talk about IRONIC, huh???

Jen said...

I agree... it's like the "it just wasn't meant to be" sort of comments you get after a pregnancy loss, too - people with good intentions think what thy are saying is harmless, even helpful - and if they have never been in that position the never stop to think about how their words could truly affect you.

I imagine adoptive parents - especially those whose adopted children are of similar ethnic backgrounds - have similar situations to deal with in terms of people just assuming the kids are genetically theirs. But, no matter what idiotic people say to you, that child is YOURS.

Mad Hatter said...

Happy Birthday, and thanks for your supportive comment on my blog (I am clearly very new to this, so it's nice to know there is at least one witness to my struggles!).

I think that your facebook friend, although well-intentioned, made a very odd comment...I've never heard of anyone pregnant congratulated on "passing on their genes"! Strange indeed! And I can see why it stung.

As a stepmother, like IVF 40+, I have also experienced strangers telling us we look alike - I think my stepchild has picked up my mannerisms and facial expressions, which makes sense and feels good for me.

When you have a donor egg, I would think that there is a lot to be said for the fact that your blood becomes your baby's blood. I don't know a lot about genetics, but when I think about the physical bond and sharing of blood and cells and fluids in the womb, I believe that not only is this baby inside you, but you are inside this baby and always will be.

Lanie said...

It only gets more...ummm....interesting after your little one arrives. One of our pediatricians said - oh, they have a little of both of you in them. Uh - not even close!

But, those people in the "know" tell me all the time that DD looks a lot like me. We had a known donor, so I know what those genes look like, and she does look more like me.

DH tells me that DD got my nose from the pressure in the womb, not some crazy blood line.

Hope you get a Mrs.Peeveme nose! :-)

surrogacy said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!