Bellyaching and Benedictions

Project Recognition: An Uplifting Update

2011-07-21T16:43:00.000-07:00

Anyone remember this?

The Project I anonymously started to secretly recognize fellow staff members and empower them to secretly recognize each other? It came complete with a medal and laminated letter?

Since I had never received the award and the few people I asked (who are some of the most loved on campus) had never received it, I figured it died out. Turns out....it lives.

I was at a conference with some co-workers and we were talking about moral on campus. Assuming Project Recognition had died out I told them the story. Turns out that almost every person (4 out or 6) had indeed received the award. While I wish I had remained anonymous, I am happy to know that it did what it was intended to do.

I think about it but it's fine

2011-02-24T12:36:00.000-08:00

I do think about Bambina's origins all the time but not in a negative or intrusive way. It just is. It's just one more unique thing about her. It makes no difference in how I feel about her or how I built my family.

I'm an Ass

2010-04-23T08:52:00.000-07:00

Boo Hoo Hoo...I have two beautiful babies. Boo Hoo Hoo...I have wonderful in-laws who are willing to help us out. Boo Hoo Hoo...I'm thin. Boo Hoo Hoo I have accumulated so many material items that they are difficult to pack. Boo Hoo Hoo...I have a career that I enjoy and am paid pretty well for. Pity me!

Shut it, Peeveme.

I am stressed but need to change my mindset.

All (most) of my "problems" come from abundance. Life is full. Take it as is come.

Moving Back story

2010-04-22T20:53:00.000-07:00

So the back story is: Mr. Peeveme got a job about 1 hour south of where we live, where I work, and where the kids go to day care/preschool. So one of us has to commute. The clincher is that his parents live down there so we'd have some help with the kids.

On top of that....they would take care of the Baby so that would save us $1,800 a month plus of we moved in with them for a few months that would save us a lot more and could get back on our feet a lot faster.

I will commute with our 3 year old until her school year ends.

It's stressful trying to move. I was already at my limit but now I get to add moving and commuting to the list. Yea me. Maybe my BMI will drop another point (did I tell you I'm unhealthfully skinny?...Not that I am THAT skinny but the fact that it is unintentional is worrisome. Also when I do go back to a healthy weight it will make me feel fat...which is dumb, I know, but I know myself and that is how I will feel.)

Dude!

2010-04-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I blogged that I totally forgot my kids fake names.

Going Phazy

2010-04-09T14:53:00.000-07:00

Phase 1: Move all the things we will not need in the next 6 months or so into storage.

Phase 2: Move in with Mr. Peeveme's parents with as few things as possible. Leave rest of our stuff in our house. I start commuting.

Phase 3: Pack up the rest of our house on weekends and place into storage.

Viola! Multi-generational living! and In-law child-care!

God bless my in-laws. If you think this is hard on me can you imagine how hard it's going to be on them?

On the bright side...I will probably start blogging more often becasue I really dislike Italian TV. It's either soccer, soap operas or crazy variety shows. The house is tiny so I will just hold up in my room with my laptop.

Perfect Moment Monday: Employment

2010-01-04T14:56:00.000-08:00

Mr. Peeveme's alarm went off early this morning and we were both very happy to get up so early. You see, Mr. Peeveme has been without an income for over a year and this is the first day of his new job.

Perfect Moment Monday: Unexpected Blessing

2009-12-17T13:54:00.000-08:00

Bambina was Baptized recently. I expected all the wonderful moments that arise from such an occasion. Powerful spiritual ceremony, community engagement, cousins playing, both sets of grandparents visiting, champagne in the afternoon, and, of course, sheet cake.

It was wonderful and I tried to really just drink it all in.

What I did not expect (which it why it's my favorite thing) was the smell of my sweet baby's head, which was blessed with fragrant oils. I drank in that wonderful smell all night long.

And she never blogged again!

2009-12-01T16:11:00.000-08:00

Dude...I know I just had a baby and went right back to work but geeeze. How much do I suck? Pretty much, all the way.

I feel guilty not so much for not blogging but for the not reading/commenting. Man, I am so invested in each of your journeys and I feel 10 times of guilt for not keeping up. But after a few months the task seems so daunting that I'm just overwhelmed at the thought. So, I am dipping a toe back in to this...will post updates and try not to get to overwhelmed with trying to catch up for now.

If you want to give me a quick cheat sheet version of where you are and what you are doing I'd appreciate it.

Anywho...all is well. Sooo tried and stressed and broke and unclean (serious hygiene issues going on here) but I have truthfully never been happier.

Upcoming posts:
Birth story
Life after a DE pregnancy
Project Recognition update (so cool)
Wanting another when Dh says no
Conquering Breastfeeding
Pumping while on a plane/in the airport
Why going back to work so early is in some ways easier
My mom's early Alzheimer

It feels good to be back.

No PKU here

2009-09-06T09:10:00.001-07:00

Bambina does not have it. Thanks for all your good thoughts and support. Huge sigh of relief and gratitude. Will be making a donation to the national PKU foundation.

Ride my Roller Coaster

2009-08-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

On the same day we found out about Bambina's potential gene disorder I got some really awesome news. Obviously, it has taken second seat but it's still nice.

Now, I could be compromising my anonymity by telling you the award but what the hell. (OK, I really suck at maintaining it with the picture posting, real name slips etc).

I have been selected as one of "Native American 40 Under 40". The recipients are "outstanding young Native Americans who have shown excellence in community and/or profession.... who are already playing a significant role in shaping Indian Country for the future."

This is the first year of the award. Embarrassingly I nominated myself. I wrote the nomination letter and had a friend "nominate" me so it didn't look so bad. Not in a million years did I think I'd be selected. This award seems so geared towards reservation-living Indians and those who work in Indian communities. I do neither.

The awards ceremony is in Tulsa. I am thinking of flying out there for the night. It would be hard to manage with the toddler and newborn plus I have a huge presentation at work that morning (Yes, I have to prepare it and present it on my maternity leave) but I really want to go. I'd also have to be able to fit into a formal dress by then. I really don't want to buy anything new when I have many beautiful dresses in my closet.

No news yet

2009-08-30T13:09:00.001-07:00

No news yet on the 2nd blood test.

Thanks for all your kind words, thoughts and prayers. I can't tell you how much it means to me.

To address a few comments:

areyoukiddingme: Yes, I would let the clinic know. Anyone using this donor should know that this information. It's only an issues if the sperm donor is also a carrier.

amasingk8: I read the false positive rate was high but I didn't know how high.

Ophelia: Thankfully our insurance will cover formula/food/ and other interventions. We are so lucky. Not to get all political but everyone should have health care. It's a human right. Medicaid for all.

Danaly: Thank you! It's helpful to hear of stories where people lead relatively normal lives. To actually know someone who is managing this would be helpful.

Em: Thanks so much. Yes, the medical sites freak me out. The ones that are more family/lifestyle based are much more helpful. My main concerns have been if she could have normal intelligence and is she'd have behavioral problems. I think it has something to do with the severity of the condition and how well you monitor/stay on the diet. Thank you so much for reaching out to a perfect stranger. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you did and that you can manage it well.

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Other thoughts/concerns: More kids and Embryo Donation

I have wanted a 3rd child. Mr. Peeveme says we are done. That was not a fight I was going to fight right now but one I was not going to loose. We have 7 embys just waiting. We have had to work so hard to have our children....this one would be an easy FET. How could we not? But they all have a chance of having PKU....kind-of puts a kink into those plans. Also, while Mr. Peeveme and I have not decided what to do with the leftover embys...it would also put a kink in those potential plans as well.

Does PGD test for PKU?

Phenylketonuria (PKU) - In the "Spoke Too Soon" Department

2009-08-28T08:00:00.000-07:00

There's no easy way to say it...unless you use the acronym. Got the word that Bambina tested positive for PKU, a genetic disorder. People with PKU lack an enzyme to process a certain protein. It builds up and becomes toxic and can cause mental retardation if untreated. In many cases in it's manageable with a lifelong low-protein diet and regular blood checks. She'd start on a special (expensive) formula. I might be able to continue to breastfeed if her levels don't get too high and she tolerates it well. But in some cases it's not possible to keep the levels low enough to stop the progression.

We are waiting the results of the second blood test. Trying not to panic or get too ahead of ourselves but this certainly would mean a lot of changes and difficulty for our family. It's not what a parent wants for their child.

It seems that false positives are not uncommon so we are holding out hope that this will amount to nothing more than a little scare that we will forget about years from now. Reasons for false positives (other than lab errors) are thick blood (she had to repeat one blood test because her blood clotted to quickly,...not sure that means her blood is thick but it might) and liver problem (she was jaundiced at the time of her test). Only 25 babies per year are born in California with PKU. Both "parents" must have the recessive gene and even then you only have a 25% chance of the child getting it. Which brings us to the DE portion of this situation.

The DE thing is just another twist on this. It does not make me any more or less sad but it's just something to to think about. If it were my genetics that would be that but we chose this person....I don't know why it feels different but it does. I'm not mad. I don't feel any more or less guilty because I could not have know this...it's just the luck of the draw but the 3rd person thing just adds another layer. I'm not articulating it well.

The other crazy thing is that my mom is here this week. She does not know that we used Donor Eggs. She keeps going over and over in her mind and out aloud who may be Jewish in our family tree and how may generations back it was. Don't ask me why because from what I have read being Jewish has nothing to do with it and being American Indian is a more likely reason (if I were the genetic mother). I keep trying to deflect and redirect her thinking. She also has early stage Alzheimer's so it's pretty-much a constant and recurring conversation.

Mom: How come this has never shown up before? I wonder how the gene could have made it past that many generations? etc... (Dude, the woman can not remember where we keep the knives but she knows every great-great grand parent on the family tree and where they were born)

Me: I guess we'll never know and honestly it does not really matter. What matters is how we deal with it for Bambina. I don't care about being a good genetic donor...I care about being a good parent. It's about how we deal with this in the future not how we got here.

Mom: I wonder why nobody in our family has even had this?
Me: Maybe they have. Brain damage would explain a lot about some of your family.

And the first person I called when I got the news? Mr. Peeveme? Nope. What's he going to do? Change his genetic code? My sisters? Even they'd tell you they don't know shit about genetics. I called my super-cool friend who happens to be a genetic counselor. She dropped everything to give me a really good web address about the condition and read some of the information to me as I drove to the lab for a blood test. Thanks so much AC.

So if you are the praying type keep us in your prayers. If you are the thinking type...think positive thought...make that think false-positive thoughts.

It doesn't matter and I'm not looking back

2009-08-27T17:00:00.000-07:00

Those are the words I have heard (read) from other DE mommies. I have not been at that place...or if I was I have gone back and forth between "It doesn't matter" to "I might have made a mistake" to "What does this all mean?"

I have tried to honestly convey my struggles with DE in a series of posts which I would link to if I were not so lazy. I did this to help others and to work through my own shit. I have thought about it from many different angles. Considered the pros and cons. Dealt (dealing) with my own emotions of loss, excitement, gratitude, insecurity. All the time I knew love would take over and it has.

Right now I can honestly say I am not looking back. I am aware that she in not my genetic material but that does not mater one bit.

Not only am I ok with that...I am thrilled because I could not love this little being more. She could not be more perfect.

Top of my list

2009-08-27T08:00:00.000-07:00

With so much to be thankful for it might seem a little strange that stool softener is near the top of my list...but thank goodness for those little orange pills.

But you MUST pay attention to the dosage recommendations AND keep track of the last time you took one instead of taking one whenever you thought it might be time for another. Stool softeners are one of those things in life where a little is great but too much....whoops! I almost busted a stitch running to the bathroom. So my year-long "no crapping myself" streak is still in tact but just barely.

Just a few pics * Pictures redacted* It was a litmited time offer Folks.

2009-08-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

She came out a little bruised.

Much better by 2 days

5 days

After 3 looong days they finally let us go home...huge post about that later.

That's it for now.

She's here!

2009-08-20T17:37:00.000-07:00

Bambina was born on aug 19, 2009 at 9:41pm. She's perfect. I can't believe she's asleep on my lap.
Induced. No epi. Was able to turn off pitocine after they broke my water. I have two huge black eyes again. More later.

Time's up! Your having a baby

2009-08-18T09:18:00.000-07:00

I am officially 12 days overdue. More overdue with my 2nd baby than with my first. I am about 90% effaced and almost 3 cm...but I doubt anything will really happen before I am scheduled to be induced. I think if they gave me a few more days I would go into labor on my own. I'm just a slow starter.

Induction is set for tomorrow morning and if anyone who has volunteered for an epidural or membrane stripping or had any other intervention tells me I can refuse, I swear I will reach through the internet and give you a titty twister. Unless you have been in the situation of actually refusing intervention you are in no position to pass judgment. None. I am however, open too all suggestions about how to better manage an induction...negotiation pointers ect.

(I chose titty twisting because I am all about nipple stimulation these days...trying to get my labor started).

There are certain things that a hospital considers non-negotiable and induction at 13 days past due is one of them (at my practice). I have held them off for as long as possible. My time is up.

Now, before I get accused (again) of harming my baby I'd like to make a few points which seem obvious but apparently are not for some.

1) Baby and I are being closely monitored. Twice weekly stress tests and u/s to check amniotic fluid. I am doing 3 or 4 kick counts a day.

2) Statistically there is no health difference between having a baby at say 38 weeks than 41 weeks. No reason to believe that any harm will come from being overdue a little. The health issues seem to be if you go over 42 weeks. I am not sure why everyone seems to think it some sort of tragedy to go over a due date. It's fine. It's not dangerous as long as mommy and baby are healthy...which we are.

I am amazed at how uncomfortable or even accusatory people get once they learn you are at or over your due date. Man, I get lots of unsolicited (and inaccurate) advice about how to get labor going. Even worse I get told how "dangerous" it is. Yes, that's what you should do...try to scare a pregnant lady into labor with all your inaccurate, uninformed, hyperbolic opinions

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So here's where I could use some help.

All my labor preferences (thanks, Birdee) have been for a completely natural labor and delivery, total avoidance of any interventions. However...now that I am being induced I may need to rethink that. For example, breaking of the waters. My first reaction is "no way" but when I think about it...if I am on Pitocin anyhow maybe breaking my waters would kick in my natural labor so that I could turn the Pitocin down or off? I have no idea about this. I haven't researched it and I haven't seen a whole lot on how to induce as gently as possible. It seems like all the information about natural childbirth assumes no induction which, I guess, makes sense. It also seems like once you start and induction protocol there is little room for negotiation or individual choice. How does one get induced and minimize risk to baby and avoid artificial pain management?

Again... we are assuming health and lack of complications. I'm not an idiot. Of course, my goal is a live baby...I didn't think I needed to state that but apparently I do.

Black Eyes

2009-08-15T09:00:00.000-07:00

As mentioned I pushed for a long time (longer than most unmedicated births). She was sunny side up and I think that was a large part if it. It can make pushing take longer becasue it's just not as effective.

After she was born I noticed I was having trouble seeing but with all the excitement I didn't think anything of it.

After a while in the Labor and Delivery room they wheel you to a recovery room. You are in a wheel chair, holding your baby and everyone in the hallway waves and applauds....it's what being a prom queen must feel like. So there I am grinning, waving back, accepting my accolades.

A few hours later a go to the bathroom and look at myself for the first time. I screamed! I had two HUGE black eyes. And nobody told me! All the blood vessels in the whites of my eyes had popped and were and angry shade of red. My eyelids and under-eyes were practically swollen shut! After a few hours they turned into lovely bruises.

And then I remember my little prom-queen ride and felt like and idiot. I was completely clueless. I looked more like prize fighter than a prom queen.

I took this picture about 3 days after so you are not getting the full effect but you get the idea.

And in the "be careful what you wish for" category Mr. Peeveme and I used to joke around about how while I didn't want any artificial pain management I didn't want to feel the pain so maybe he could just punch me in the face and knock me out. No drugs and I'd be unconscious so I wouldn't feel the pain. We laughed and laughed at how one would put that in the birth plan.

And then I came out with two big shiners!

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This time I will try to visualize pushing DOWN lower rather than up through my head. Not sure if there would be any true effect but it seems lot of pressure was going up into my face and not down into my pushing parts.

Things I learned from my Unmedicated Labor and Delivery with Induction

2009-08-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

I learned quit a bit from my experience. This post is for those who really want to do unmedicated labor and delivery. It's certainly not a post for everyone. It's my honest assessment of what I wish I had known and the things that helped me achieve my goal of unmedicated labor and delivery despite being aggressively induced.

-My goal had been to have an unmedicated labor and delivery and I met that goal. So why did I feel like such a failure? I think, along with my goal of natural birth I also developed some expectations that were somewhat unrealistic. Ok maybe not unrealistic but certainly inflexible. When those did not materialize I felt like a failure. I expected it to go faster. I expected to be more "present" and have the "birth experience" I wanted. That did not happen. I felt I had been sold a bill of goods. I felt I behaved poorly or must have done it wrong becasue mine did not feel like the "zen" experience the books described. Looking back I realize it's not the fault of "natural" childbirth that mine was not "zen". However, the books need to do a better job at leveling with women just how much pain they are in for. They tend to minimize it, in my opinion. Of course, my labor being induced probably had a lot to do with that but even those women who are not induced say it much more difficult than the books lead you to believe. Not all but many.

I met my goal with pure grit. I'm not saying I had the wrong goal becasue I absolutely believe it's the safest option but I also brought some unrealistic and inflexible expectations into the situation which lead me to feel disappointed, angry and depressed about my birth experience immediately afterward. Not anymore. I have the experience firmly in perspective. I do feel proud of making it through but for months after I felt like a failure even though I met my goal becasue I yelled, screamed, panicked, became weak, indecisive, vulnerable. I expected to be clam, stoic, present, level-headed. Yep, during unmedicated labor and delivery. Totally unrealistic.

-I was not prepared for induction...not mentally, not physically, and mostly I did not have the information I would have needed to make better decisions. Yes, I have the right to make my own medial decisions. I did not have to simply acquiesce to their protocols. However, I didn't even know what my options were so I had nothing to contribute. No ideas, no requests. I was just a sitting duck. More on my induction recommendations later.

I absolutely want to have another unmedicated labor and delivery but if I am induced I am not sure I could/would be able to do that again. If you want an unmedicated birth option you CAN do it even while induced. It's possible but I'm not sure I'd want to or could do it again. It completely changes the game. As long as one is mentally prepared for that I think it's possible.

This is why I am avoiding induction at all costs. If my water breaks again I am not goign straight to the hospital. I'm going to wait around a bit and see if labor really kicks in. I might not even be honest with them about the time my water broke. Once your water breaks the clock starts as do their "protocols". This is not medical advice. Just my personal strategy.

-If I must be induced I have a whole new understanding of how I think it should be approached. I have no doubt that they were overly aggressive inducing me. To go from 0 to 10cm in a few hours....3 min contractions 1 min apart is completely unnecessary and potentially dangerous. I will firmly request to have a gentle-as-possible induction. Low doses. No increasing until at least 30 mins has passed. Once the desired pattern of contractions has been achieved they should turn it down or off. If there is any fetal distress then TURN OFF the pitocin and see if that helps. Never go beyond the recommended dosages on the packaging of the drug.

-If you really want to go unmedicated then you have to put the option of artificial pain management out of your mind. If you approach it with the attitude of "I will try it" then you will fail. Without complete commitment you WILL ask for the drugs...especially if they are offered. If you are undecided then ok...try it...but if you are committed you have to just not even think of drugs. Put it in your birth plan that the staff is not to offer drugs.

-Expanding upon the previous point...have it in your birth plan that the staff is not to mention drugs, or other interventions (vacuum, c-section, induction medications) unless it's an absolute emergency. When you are in the middle of it you will be tired, indecisive, vulnerable, scared, and in pain. If anyone mentions an alternative you might cave. You might think something is wrong when, in fact, feeling tried, indecisive, vulnerable, scared, and in pain are all NORMAL. No matter how well meaning, they should not offer. This applies to your husband as well. He will hate to see you this way. It's up to him to help you. He doesn't help you by offering you the thing you are wanting to avoid. He has to be strong for you becasue there WILL be a time when you think you can't do this anymore; that you just want it over with. He needs to be the one to get you past those self defeating thoughts. You will not be able to do that for yourself.

-I actually wrote out 3x5 cards for Mr. Peeveme with all the things he needed to say to me when I lost it. I made him promise to keep me strong. I made him read those cards to me...in my own words. When I heard them it helped to remind me of the strong determination I have. It helped me a lot when I had no more determination or fight in me.

OK, so that's what I have for now. My friend who introduced me to unmedicated labor was the only person who level with me and gave me any inkling of what was in store. Because of her I was able to do it. If I had just depended on the books I would not have made it. So I wanted to level with you.

As hard as it is, it's still my choice. I know there are easier ways to go about it. I know that many people will read this and think "Why on earth would you put yourself though that if you can just have an epi or a c-section" My response, I'm afraid, might offend or hurt some people but here it is: This pregnancy, labor and birth is not about me. It's about my baby. It's about what is best for her. This is the first of many sacrifices I will make for her.

I am a little worried this time around because I am not feeling as strong (mentally and physically) going into this one as I was the last time. It was just so grueling that I don't know that I could or would be able to do that again.

My inflexible goals/expectations lead me to some disappointment with myself afterward so I am trying to manage determination with a certain amount of flexibility as to my expectations.

The First Time Part 2- Unmedicated Birth Story

2009-08-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

This is the birth story from the birth of my first child. In anticipation of the 2nd's arrival I wanted to reminisce and compare.

Since Peeveme women can hardly make it to the hospital in time AND my waters had broken I thought for sure I'd be having Piccolina in no time. Imagine my surprise when I ended up laboring all night with unproductive contractions. They weren't THAT bad but enough that I could not sleep. Mr. Peeveme BTW slept great all night. I did my best to walk, nipple stimulation ect to get labor going but it was no use. (Thanks, Melissia for reminding me of the ways to naturally induce labor. I had forgotten some things in the past 3 years).

They wanted to start the pitocin at about 4 am. I declined. They wanted to start it again at 6am. I bargained for more time. By 9 am I had held them off for as long as I could. The drip was started. Being step B positive I already had the IV and had been given two rounds of antibiotics.

Until then, my contractions were irregular but on average 8-10 mins apart and maybe 30-40 seconds. Not productive at all. Before, I was managing the pain with breathing...within moments of the pitocin drip I had my first pitocin contraction. It lasted 3 mins and was sooo painful all I could do was scream "Oh FUCK" at the top of my lungs. For 3 mins. Then I had about a 1 min break...and the next 3 min contraction started.

We begged them to turn it down. They did for a while but I swear they'd sneak in and turn it up without telling us. It was absolute torture. There is no other way to describe it.

You know how most people talk about long labors are hard. I gotta tell you...it's the short ones that are the most painful. I know long labors are exhausting but the pain in a short labor is so much more intense. Plus, I had been up all the night before with unproductive labor so I was going into this a bit tired.

I was not effaced and had little dilation when they started the pitocin. At some point my doula arrived. The entire thing is just a blur of panic and pain...and being pissed off because I felt they were being way too aggressive with the induction. At 11:50 I was really doubting my ability to continue and wanted to be checked. I was to 5cm and the baby was at 0 station. I was crushed. Surely I was in transition. Everything I had read about labor (early, active, transition) I felt like I was in transition the entire time...and that usually only lasts short time...not hours. So when I realized that not only was I only half way there but that it would get ever MORE intense...I was really scarred. I had already decided that there was no way I was doing an epi so I never felt tempted. I was just scarred and discouraged but still determined. I gotta say that I was not once tempted to ask for drugs. I simply put that possibility out of my mind.

The stages of labor come with "sign posts". Early labor is exciting. In active labor the woman is serious (and it;s time to go to the hospital). In transition (the last few cm's before pushing) the women has self doubt. I felt like I was in that self doubt phase the entire time. I skipped the first two phases and had a super long feeling of transitional labor. I blame the aggressive induction.

Everyone was awesome, Mr. Peeveme, my doula, the mid-wife, the nurses. They all reassuring me that I was doing great...that I could do this...that it would not be much longer...that we were indeed making progress.

At 12:45 they checked me again. At this point I was just play-doh. I had little will to do anything or make any decisions. Contractions were on top of each other and more intense than I can possibly describe. The closest I can come is to say it felt like my entire belly and back felt like it was in a vice. Finally, the nurse said I was 10 cm and ok to push. I started to push for about 15 mins. The midwife checked me again and noticed that I was not all the way dilated. Crap. That is the kiss of death. Pushing when not dilated can cause swelling...and make delivery even harder. I was practically inconsolable. If I didn't feel so beaten I would have been pissed off. For 20 mins I had to NOT push through pushing contractions. If I thought pushing was hard...not pushing was even harder.

Finally at 1:20 I was given the ok to push again. I did every position in the book laying on my side, squatting (which I hated), facing Mr. Peeveme on his lap (which he hated).

I remember looking at Mr. Peeveme and crying, "I'm not a Peeveme, I'm not a real Peeveme", because Peeveme woman have fast labors and mine was taking forever.

We pushed for a long time especially considering this was an unmediated birth. Part of the reason I like the non-medicated birth option was that it's supposed to go faster therefore being less traumatic on the baby. At 3pm the mid-wife checked me again. Picconlina had moved down to +3/+4 position. But she was sunny-side up. Crap again! This was of great concern for me and the reason my pushing was lasting so long. Again, everyone reassured me that babies could be born this way or that she could turn. I, however, was upset that this was not going well. I was having the types of minor complications that were making things much harder than they were for other people. Why the hell do I have to do everything the hard way?

At this point Piccolina's heart rate kept going down quite a bit during the contractions (Maybe if you'd turn down the pitocin!) So out came the oxygen mask. When I turned on my side and had oxygen it seemed to help her heart rate.

At one point the Dr. came in and I freaked out. At this hospital the mid-wives do the births. The Dr.s only come when something is wrong. After a short consult with the mid-wife he left. The babies heart rate was not recovering between contraction. This is when many c-sections take place. This is where many parents panic and cave into intervention if they do not have the kind of medical care that encourages natural birth. Thankfully, this hospital and my mid-wife were supportive and reassuring. My mid-wife came up to my head to talk to me. I was beginning to feel done, completely spent. She looked me square in the eyes and told me I needed to push. I was close. I could do this and, in fact, I HAD to do this.

Finally at 3:32, Piccolina was born (anterior position). She was covered in vernix, she had a full head of dark, long hair. The placenta showed no singes of aging. She showed no signs of being 12 days past the due date. 7 lbs, 5 ounces. Wide awake and very alter.

Picconlina Born, Aug 11th, 2006

The first time Part 1

2009-08-12T09:00:00.000-07:00

The first time I went into labor I had a spontaneous breaking of my waters. It was about 10pm and I was in bed. I heard a little pop and then felt some fluid. It wasn't a gush but more than a trickle. So I got up and went to the bathroom. When I did that the trickle stopped (baby's head stopped it up like a cork). So I got back into bed. When I did I felt a good amount of fluid and knew it was not just me peeing myself again.

I knew from my classes that the L&D staff would want to test to fluid to make sure it was amniotic fluid. So I gathered up one of those pee vials I use to bring in my "sample" at each pre-natal appointment. It never occurred to me that they would test the fluid coming out from it's source. Mr. Peeveme and I got dressed and drove to the hospital.

I made it into triage. They told me they would like to test the fluid and in one graceful move I reached into my purse and produced my perfect little vial of clear-pink-ish fluid. I held it out to the two nurses who just stood there staring at it. Not moving...not talking. They just stood here...midway through pulling on their latex gloves all perplexed looking. My arm still outstretched. Finally, one of them asked, "What is that?"

I replied, "The amniotic fluid". Still nothing..."Don't you need to test it?".

They looked at each other and just started laughing. I had no idea what was so funny but I smiled along becasue well...what else was I supposed to do?

"We have never seen amniotic fluid. How did you get it in that little vial?".

Me, "Um...how does everyone else bring in their fluid? I used a Dixie cup first"

They kindly explained how it's normally done. And then I felt silly. I honestly thought it would all leak out and that there would be nothing left to test so I wanted to capture some. Wrong.

After a little monitoring in the triage we were admitted and sent to a room. I assured myself, Mr. Peeveme and the nurses that we'd be having this baby in a few hours. Peeveme women always have fast labors.

Wrong again.

Unmedicated Birth 2

2009-08-11T09:00:00.001-07:00

Kate,

Thank you so much for your comment. Especially rewriting it so that it clearly reflected your intent...it's so hard to write about controversial and personal things.

Yes, I did write as though all women who get c-sections are unthinking and careless. No, I do not think all women who gate c-sections are that way. I do understand that there are many different reasons but the only ones I find problematic are the ones that I think are done for convenience rather than being medically necessary.

C-sections are not evil and many women do have legitimate medical reasons why they are necessarily. You are certainly one of them. But I see your situation as very different from most. The fact that you wish you didn't have to have one makes your situation so very different.

Your point about the "lecturing" you get is very well taken and I agree that is the case. This is one of many areas in which people can get holier than thou and I am no exception. Sorry you have had to endure it. That has got to be really annoying. Yes, we can get preachy about it but I don't think this "education" is directed at those who do understand the larger medical issues involved and have a medical reason for needed a c-section even if you are on the receiving end of it.

Sorry if I came off judging all c-sections and medicated labors.

There are those women who just want a c-section (and all the other interventions like membrane stripping, epidurals ect), don't know and don't want to know about any risks. In truth, I do judge this behavior. These are often the same women who are dismissive or anyone who chooses unmedicated labors. Not all but the means ones usually fall into this category.

Then there are those who were mid-labor but interventions led to a c-section that might not have been necessary. I don't judge this but I also think that most of these could have been avoided if the initial interventions had been avoided OR if their medical providers weren't eager to conduct c-sections (I think they are trying to avoid any problems and malpractice suits). I think many of these women end up feeling like a failure and that's too bad. When you are in that position of being tired, panicked, vulnerable...it's more than understandable to just do whatever your D.r suggests. This is when I do get preachy...not that the woman made a mistake but that her Dr's did her a disservice by sticking to the protocols and not helping the woman to have the labor she wanted.

There are also those c-sections that are medically necessary. I include twins in this (however there are many women who deliver twins just fine vaginally..but wow...I can't even imagine the type of strength and endurance that would take). However, I think this situation is rarer than the first two.

So, I guess my first post was more about woman who do not do any research and yet are dismissive and actually very mean to anyone who even attempts an unmedicated labor and delivery. From the comments here it happens a lot.

I hope that helps a bit. I also have learned not to assume every c-section is unthinking and to hold my judgment (and my tongue). Unless someone dare be dismissive of my choice....then they are going to get it right back.

My cervix is a dirty liar

2009-08-10T16:41:00.000-07:00

It's the exact same as it was a week ago (75% effaced, almost 2 cm). I knew it. The mid-wife (who swore I'd have this baby this past weekend) was surprised to see me. She did give me some "I told you so credit" which was nice.

No worries...I am not at all anxious and I'm not ready to do anything to move things along. 4 days over due is not that big of a deal.

To my Little Girl on the Eve of her Birth

2009-08-10T09:20:00.000-07:00

Or maybe the fortnight...who knows when you will finally arrive!

As anxious as I am to hold you in my arms I am very calm and happy to still have you all to myself. To be this connected to you. To feel your every move, breath for you, eat for you and sustain you in such a literal manner. Soon you will be outside and Pappa, sister, Nonna, Nonno, Abuelita, Grandfather, aunts, uncles and everyone else is going to get their hands on you. But for now you are just mine.

I have wanted you for so long I don't mind waiting a few more days for you to arrive. Everyone else is so anxious but I know you will come when you are ready.

I love that you kick me in the ribs whenever I bend over or lean forward to claim your space. You are most active after dinner and at about 3 in the morning. Seeing your foot stretch across my belly never gets old even if it hurts. I say to you, "Ok, Bambina, get comfortable already please". Or sometimes, "Good Lord, Bambina, give it up already". But I never tire of it.

Most nights we eat a big bowl of non-fat yogurt with vanilla granola. We love it. You also seem to really want me to eat fruit all the time. At least that is what I have been craving this pregnancy.

Your big sister wants to be called Baby Bambina instead of her own name. She's anxious for you to sit next to her in your car seat. She's going to be a little jealous of you for a while but it will pass and I hope the two of you will be life- long friends. My best friends have always been my sisters.

I am your Mamma and you are my child. I love you more than I can describe. The circumstances surrounding your life are little more complex than most but those facts will always be true.

As we discover who you are and navigate our way through life as a family, there is so much I want for you. I want you to know you are loved, you have connections and draw strength from multiple family trees, you are complete just the way you are. Whatever life brings, you stand on a solid foundation. Many times I will want time to stand still so I can hold you a little longer but mostly I can not wait to see you grow into the person you are to become. My purpose is to let you discover your purpose. And while these are my last few days and hours of being your literal life-line, as your mother, my life is devoted to yours.

Unmedicated Birth

2009-08-07T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have chosen an unmediated labor and birth. I did it the first time and will do it again this time (unless there is a real medical emergency).

I wasn't always into this. At one point I was "leave the medical decisions to the Dr.s...I'll just do whatever they tell me to do" type. And then I started to read, and question, and learn. I friend of mine was a few weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy. She was doing the Bradly Method. We were walking buddies and I started to ask her lots of questions. She never judged, got preachy, or lectured. She simply relayed factual information. The more I learned the more I wanted to know.

There are many very good reasons for choosing the unmediated option. For me, I think the most compelling is that I think it's the safest option for the baby. This is not be judgmental and preachy to those who choose to medicate the route. Believe me...I understand pain and I do not like it. (read my 1st labor story in an upcoming post).

This is why I believe in unmediated labor and birth:

Every intervention is statistically more likely to lead to the next intervention. Induction leads to epidurals. Epidurals can make labor longer. Longer labors exhaust the mother. Exhausted mothers cave into pressure for other interventions such as vacuums, c-sections. Please don't comment about yours or some else's individual experience. I am talking about the actual evidence. Individual experience if fine but when making medical decisions one should consider the actual medical studies not your friend's, cousin's experience.

There is a reason why unmediated labors do not end up in c-sections as often as medicated ones. Again, not judging...just stating facts. While c-sections are considered routine nowadays it's still major surgery and entails risks to both mother and baby. I am sometimes amazed that the same pregnant ladies who wont let a drop of caffeine pass their lips just go head and let Dr.'s do things to them that they don't know the risks of. I understand that we are lead to trust our Dr.s and discouraged to ask questions. They are the authority figure. We are the novice. But we'll check the ingredients of baby food, watch for re-call information on our car seats but when it comes to birth we literally lay back and let someone else make the decisions without understanding what is being done and what the risks are.

I am not a granola eating, hairy-legged hippie-chick as we or often judged to be. Although I do eat granola a lot...but that's just because I need a snack and it's better for me the Oreos....and my legs have not been shaved in months...but that's just because I can't see or reach them and I just don't care.

You don't have to be "granola" to choose unmediated birth (Although I do wonder what's so bad about being granola anyhow). I am also aware that I am sounding like I need to defend my decision. As much as those who choose medicated labor feel judged, on the Internets and in person I have found much more judgment and dismissiveness of those of us who choose unmediated labors. So much so that I even hide the fact that this is my choice because I get instant judgment and disapproval 9 times out of 10.

I just think women need to make an educated choice. If you have done your homework, know the risks and feel medicated birth is the best option for you and your baby then more power to you. What I take umbrage with is when women who have never done any research are dismissive and judgmental of those of us who do choose unmediated births. I know you feel judged but I gotta say...it goes both ways.

Now, I love you all. Kiss, kiss. Do your thing and let's not worry about what other people think.

Stats dork on the loose

2009-08-06T11:34:00.000-07:00

So Mr. Peeveme and I were trying to calculate my chances of going into labor on any given day from here on out.

Since 10% of births happen on the due date I guess I have 10% chance of giving birth today....but if I were to give birth today I would probably have started labor last night so...I'm probably out for today.

OK so I have 90% chance of going into labor and having a baby in the next 12 days. (assuming the statistic that 10% of births go beyond 42 weeks is accurate...which I doubt but that's another story). So if we assume an equal probability each day we get 7.5% chance per day. But it wont be the same each day...the chances will increase each day past the due date. So, in true statistical dork fashion I have calculated the following.

Due date = 7.5% chance
+1 past due date (Friday) = 8.1%
+2 = 9%
+3 = 10%
+4 = 11.25%
+5 = 12.8%
+6 = 15%
+7 = 18%
+8 = 22.5%
+9 = 30%
+10 = 50%
+11 = 90%

My methodology is admittedly crude but it works for me.

39 weeks Update

2009-08-04T12:54:00.000-07:00

Still chillin'. I gain 1 lb in the last two weeks. I had been gaining 3-4 pounds every two weeks for the past few weeks. So I guess my weight gain has slowed (with Picconlina I gain A LOT of weight in my last two weeks). Baby is very low. It seems I am 75% effaced and about 1.5-2 cm dilated. Who knew? With Piccolina I had no effacement and no dilation at this point (or even a week past my due date). I know it does not necessarily mean anything but I am thinking this may happen soon than I had thought. I was convinced I had at least another good week, even a week and a half in me. Now I'm thinking it could happen this weekend? Still trying not to get ahead of myself. Still chillin but beginning to realize I'm having a baby.

Next appointment will be in one week and then we start the non -stress tests.

I'm just hoping no induction. Come whenever you are ready little girl, but don't make me come in there and get you!

Pregnancy update 39 weeks and Just Chillin'

2009-07-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

I realize that many of you look at my widget and think I'm so close...any day now territory but not I. For a number of reasons I am not feeling very "impending".

1) Not counting due dates before they hatch: Just a little mind trick I need to play with myself. If you are training for a marathon you DON'T train up to mile 22 do you? Those last few miles are the hardest and most important to mentally/physically prepared for.

Remember my pregnant co-worker? In her 3rd trimester I marveled at how calm she was, how much energy she had, how little she complained. I was just really impressed (which does not happen often). She had it in her mind that she had to make it to a certain date based on her work load. Once she got past that date it would be ok for her to leave but she planned on working right up until she had the baby becasue she doesn't have much vacation or sick leave (and there is no maternity leave. That date was 2 weeks before her due date. Once she got to that date she suddenly became too tired to work, complained often, and felt "done". Did her physical situation change? Not really. She lost her mental game. Once she made it past one arbitrary date she simply imploded. I wont implode. I can't afford to implode.

2) Wont be one of those whining pregnant ladies: I can't tell you how much it bothers me when women complain that they "done" being pregnant. Yes, complain about heartburn, back aches, painful kicks, swelling, that you want to meet your baby but don't say you don't want to be pregnant anymore (unless you have a medical condition or your baby is REALLY big or you have multiples). IDK..it just seems wrong to me if you are healthy to wish a birth before your baby is ready. I guess all those years of infertility changed my mindset. Yes, I am uncomfortable, yes I want to hold my baby, yes, yes, yes. I am not any less uncomfortable than any other pregnant lady...and I'd say I'm MORE anxious to see my baby (given all that we went through to get here). But I just can't to take this for granted. I still rub my belly lovingly and remark how much I will miss this special tine with Bambina (and then I pop a Tums).

3) Piccolina was late. 11 days late. Everyday I went to work. Everyday I'd leave work vowing to return the next day. I knew I would be wrong at some point but I just didn't feel like she was going to be on time let alone early. While 2nd babies tend to be a bit earlier I don't think we'll be 11 days late but I am certainly mentally prepared to go well beyond my due date.

4) Unmediated labor: Having done unmediated labor while induced....I gotta say....I'm not looking forward to doing it again. Hopefully I will not be induced but if I must be I know a whole lot more about it and will be able to competently have some input into the manner and severity. I firmly believe in unmedicated/low intervention labors...I'm just not looking forward to it. Makes it a little easier to wait out these last few days.

5) Not being a very patient person I see this as a way to work on being patient. Just going with the flow.

6) She'll come when she's ready. I believe that. This pregnancy is about her, not me.

7) Full moon: Piccolina was late but she finally arrived on the full moon. The full moon is on Friday so I think we'll make it to at least then. I know, not very scientific but it's a nice thought.

At my last Dr. appointment they offered and internal...I declined. It does not tell you much of anything. It can introduce risk of infection. It hurts like a Mo Fo. I have no signs of labor...not even Braxton Hick (that I am aware of). So why bother?

They offered an appointment for the next week if I wanted it. But we both decided it was probably not necessary. So we held off for 2 weeks. If I go into labor I know what to do. So my next appointment is tomorrow. Pee, blood pressure, heart beat. I might do the internal just to see if anything is going on down there so I can at least make some tentative plans (I have a lot to get done at work before I leave so it will tell me if I will need to put in some evenings or not).

So that's it. Still pregnant. Being patient. Hugely uncomfortable and tired but I know that's how I'm supposed to feel. I'm just hanging on to enjoying being pregnant becasue it still feels like a miracle.

p.s. My pants are tight.

Reflection

2009-07-24T11:48:00.000-07:00

There are days when I think to myself, "Self, you are totally not pretty enough to pull off this bad of a personality".

And then I go and buy some hair products, make-up or shoes.

That approach just seems a whole lot easier to me.

Honey, No.

2009-07-21T08:00:00.000-07:00

I know this has no real place on this blog since it's not a fashion or celebrity* blog but I saw this photo and couldn't decide if it was 1) hilarious 2) tragic or 3)there was something wrong with me becasue this is what I thought:

Behold!

Why oh why would Whitney Port (whoever she is) wear a bikini bottom that makes her look like she has a gigantic, untrimmed muff? I'm NOT judging gigantic, untrimmed muffs (at 9 months pregnant I am weeks...ok....months past my last half-hearted attempt at muff management). I do not judge a little untidiness down there and I certainly do not fancy myself a fashion designer but this is one seriously ill-conceived embellishment.

What's next? Cellulite pants? Foot fungus nail-polish. Ass-scented body-wash?

*term used loosly

Calling Dr. Google

2009-07-20T11:35:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all the rash advice.

Both Mr. Peeveme and I searched Dr. Google and independently came up with the diagnosis of slap cheek disease for Picconlina. It's harmless unless, of course, a pregnant woman gets it.

But after a little more research and a call to my practitioner, we have determined that Bambina is in no danger since I did not get it and even if I did there is only a slight chance of fetal anemia if the mother gets a bad infection in the first trimester. And there is nothing they can actually DO about it other than monitor. But since I never got it...it's a mute point.

After a little Hydro cortisone cream and some A&D ointment Piccolina's face much better.

Poor Mr. Peeveme

2009-07-17T14:54:00.001-07:00

Poor little Piccolina has an awful rash on her face. She had it last week and it was getting better but now it has come back with a vengeance. She does not seem bothered by it too much and has no other symptoms.

Mr. Peeveme is very anti-intervention and anti-anything "chemical". I have been asking him to let me put some either hydrocortison cream (to fight inflammation) or Lotrimin (to fight fungal infection) on her poor little face but he insisted we keep applying lotion. And he wont let me use the lotion the Dr recommended for when she had baby eczema...no he has to buy some organic lotion...which doesn't do shit for her really dry, red, cracked skin. Hand cream ain't going to cut it even if it does smell like grapefruit essence.

Anyhow, last night I was, yet again, making my case for hydrcortison or Lotrimin. He thought it was too chemically to put so near her month. I reminded him that he used it on his genitals when he had that little itching problem last year.

And in a tone of voice that I can only describe as pitiful resignation he said, "Yea well nobody's mouth has been near there in a long time".

Thank God, Thank God, Thank God

2009-07-15T12:44:00.000-07:00

Looks like Mr. Peeveme has a job. We have been without an income for him since Oct. The job he had since Jan is 100% commission and well...he ain't sold nothing. The only thing worse than being unemployed is working really hard and not getting paid.

He had to offer to work for free until he gets up to speed (a month or so) but it's no different from what he's getting paid now except with his current job it's unlikely he'll ever get a pay check.

He's going to have to work his butt off and prove himself. Not the best timing since we are going to have a baby pretty quickly. But f*ck it. We'll manage. Somehow we'll manage.

It's been a tough time financially and emotionally for him. Ironically, he'll be taking the same job he would have started out as 10 years ago before he got sidetracked into another career. So he's somewhat starting over. It's lower pay than he thought he'd be getting at this point in life, the job is somewhat grunt-work and not at all glamorous. And you know what? We are overjoyed. A paycheck, an honest career, a short commute, and stability. Also, there is room for advancement.

I'm trying not to get too excited until he really gets in there and starts getting paid but man, we are just so relieved. I hope this works out.

Wacky Parents

2009-07-10T10:15:00.000-07:00

My parents are wacky which is sometimes fun but often annoying and embarrassing.

Here is an example of the types of thing I endured while growing up.

I was about 13 years old when my parents had their 25th anniversary. They threw a big party in the same reception hall in which they were married. All of our extended family and friends were there.

My mom's name starts with an "S" and my Dad's starts with an "M". The invitations, printed napkins (I thought that was sooo fancy), and the cake proudly proclaimed "25 years of S&M".

At 13 years old I did not know what that meant. Thinking the napkins were so great I brought one to school to show my friends and quickly learned what S&M was. I was horrified for my parents. Surely, my mother did not know what she had done. I rushed home and asked her, "Mom, do you know what the means?" She said, "Of course, I do. That's why I did it."

Unfortunately, this apple does not fall far from that wacky tree.

Michael Jacksons' Kids "Real" Father/Mother

2009-07-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else bothered by the media's search for Michael Jacksons' kids "real" parents? Michael Jackson is their real father. I know, he took an unconventional route to fatherhood but does that make him somehow a fake father?

I understand the social curiosity. I get it. But why is it important? Why do we care? Why do we feel it necessary to diminish his relationship to these children? That's what I don't get. You're idol curiosity, your flippant judgment hurts. It hurts these kids and it hurts anyone who has used 3rd-party reproduction. It's one thing to be curious but in all the coverage there is some kernel of judgment and distancing of MJ as the "real" parent. As if now the children can be reunited with their "real" parents.

The situation is somewhat complicated by the fact that he did marry Debbie Rowe and her parental rights have never been completely legally terminated but as far as has been reported she's had no contact with the children. She did sign away her rights (even if that was later overturned by a court) and she has said that this was a "gift" to Michael and that she did not have any intention of parenting. Why should her genetic connection mean more than the familial connection the children have with MJ's extended family? It really bristles that what is the equivalent of a known donor is considered to be a likely/deserving recipient of custody.

This just reminds me how judgmental people are of family's that are not built via natural fertility.

I hope the emotional and heartbreaking statement by Paris Katherine shows people that family does not always mean genetics. She, very simply, loves and misses her Daddy. The only one she has ever had.

_________________________________________

And it also really bother me that the media labels Debbie Rowe a bad/absent mother. She was an egg donor and surrogate. She was not intended to be the mother. To fault her for not mothering is unfair.

Belly Shots

2009-07-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

Look away if you don't want to see some belly shots. As much as I want to remain true to my infertility roots and readership (is that too much of an exaggeration to say "readership"?) I am pregnant and this blog is to document my entire journey...not just the bad. Sometimes good things do happen. Sometimes there are happy endings.

Last time I was pregnant I got professional shots done. I used one as my profile picture. This time I'd rather spend my $ on getting professional pictures of the baby. So I had Mr. Peeveme take some in our bedroom while Piccolina was taking a nap. A whole lot of stars had to align for all that to happen. The quality is not so great but it does document how I look and that's really what it's all about. Plus I'd like for Bambina to have something to look at to know how much we wanted her.

I think I was about 33 weeks when these were taken.

Sure I could have shaved. Sure I could have washed the one and only bra that somewhat fits. Truth be told I'm not much into the belly shots and my hygiene has been pretty spotty lately so just doing this was an accomplishment. Cleanliness would have been too much for me to pull together. (Thank goodness you can't smell the internet!)

I do love being pregnant. Nothing makes me happier. Really. And I get a baby at the end of this to boot. It's just a win win situation and I am completely aware of how fortunate I am. Once I get to this place....the middle/end of the 3T I feel like a normal pregnant person. Much of the failure I have felt fades away. The constant, almost debilitating anxiety, transforms into your garden variety anxiety about labor, getting "ready" for baby, finances. I feel normal except for one thing...I do think I am more grateful than the average pregnant women.

Notice the ring in this last shot? I have a post/explanation brewing since I'm constantly going on about how broke we are. Seems weird to just bust out in some couture jewelry as we teeter on the brink of financial ruin.

3's

2009-06-30T08:52:00.001-07:00

Ed

Farrah

MJ

____________________________________

Billy May....

Has anyone seen Sham-Wow guy?

_________________________________________________________

For the record I do not believe deaths, celebrity or otherwise, happen in 3's. In an unending series of events you will always be able to subdivide into 3's/. Especially if there are no time limits on when the 3 will happen.

I also heard an interesting news report today (wish I could remember the author and his book) that "3" is a way the human mind makes memory and meaning. It's just the way our minds make sense of information...not that the information is actually divided into threes...we create the trinity becasue our minds work that way. Oh, the Holy Trinity is a good example. Other examples are: past/present/future, breakfast/lunch/dinner.

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-06-29T10:53:00.000-07:00

This weekend we installed a second car seat in my car. I could pinch myself. I also washed and folded a bunch a tiny clothes that have been in storage. More pinching.

To some, those sound like small chores. To me they signal a triumph.

I was doubtful I would get here. I didn't arrive at this place the way I thought I would. I didn't get here easily.

I am tenacious...and I'm glad because without that I would not be here and neither would Bambina.

Go tenacity!

Not Complaining but....

2009-06-25T13:15:00.000-07:00

....I'm pretty sure this fetus has restless leg syndrome.

Everything is looking right on track. Weight gain is a little under 25 pounds, baby is the right size, my blood pressure is fine, no real swelling to speak of (which is why I can "skank"around in my high heels...Teresa, you crack me up!). Still wearing my wedding ring.

I seem to be good at the pregnancy thing...which I know is no small thing and I am very grateful. I just couldn't get here on my own.

I think we have decided on her name. I need to confirm the middle name with some research (from my tribal language) and pick out some boy names options just in case we get surprised by a penis. Nothing worse than not being prepared for a surprise penis. I usually want/expect lots of warning before a penis encounter. I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

One more random thing. There is a piece of black string on the top stair in my house. It's all balled up so as to look like a spider or bug or something. I jump at it EVERY FRIGGEN TIME I go downstairs! You'd think 1) I'd learn it's just a piece of string 2) I'd pick it up. But these days I'm only stooping for things that are really important. Mostly I just end up kicking things over to where Mr. Peeveme is and asking him to pick it up for me. And you KNOW I'm all dramatic and whiny about it. I'm sure he thinks I'm a moron and the man might have a point. I guess you just get to a certain girth and the very thought of bending at your nonexistent waist sends one into fits of annoyance. I usually drop my car keys about twice a day and the amount of whining, swearing, grimacing and clumsy contorting I engage in to retrieve them (before I instantly drop the AGAIN and have to do an repeat performance) must be a sight to behold. I am thisfaraway from kicking them over to my car and asking the first stranger I encounter to pick them up for me.

I don't think I am taking take full advantage of this "with child" thing. I should be cutting in line at the grocery store, asking co-workers to heat up my lunch for me/fetch my mail, carry things to my car for me. What else should I be extorting while I still have the belly?

So that's where I am:
Kicking reflex: Is strong (Both baby and me)
Startle reflex: Is strong
Annoyed reflex: Is strong
Coercing people into doing things for me reflex: Underway!

A Change of Pace

2009-06-18T21:26:00.000-07:00

OK...so I think I have caught up on my Donor Egg related posts. Truly, I am not overly worried. I am, perhaps, over thinking as I am apt to do. I am truely happy and excited and don't doubt for a moment my love for this child or that my family will love her as well. I'm just thinking out loud about some of my concerns and passing thoughts. Partly just to articulate them and think them through. Partly in hopes that someone gains something from my rants.

And a HUGE "thank you" for all your comments. You have have been thought provoking, comforting, insightful. Have I told you that I love you? No? We'll that becasue I'm not very demonstrative and somewhat emotionally distant...but since this is over the internet I do feel comfortable saying that. If your were IRL friends/family then we'd probably just touch fists or something like that.

All that stuff has been brewing for a while. I'm sure I will have more to write about in the future but for now I think I need a change of pace.

I am 8 months pregnant and these are the shoes I wore to work yesterday. I should add that I worked a 13 hour day. Piccolina is staying the night at her grandparents so I took full advantage to get some work done before I go on maternity leave (wow that was hard to type...but I better face facts that I will be going on maternity leave.....pinch me!).

I am somewhat known for wearing high heals. I do wear sensible/comfortable shoes from time to time but I have a desk job so why not wear shoes that make me feel pretty? When I know I will be walking to meetings or on my feet I certainly opt for something more sensible. But I was just sitting and working so Patent Leather Citron Heals it is.

Another Donor Egg Related Post- God parents

2009-06-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

Just another weird thing that I didn't consider when I decided on DE. God Parents. My sister and her husband are Piccolina's Godparents and guardians should Mr. Peeveme and I both come to an untimely end. But this child is not genetically related to them. Would it be better if we chose someone on Mr. Peeveme's side of the family for those duties? I'm not really asking you...just wondering out loud here.

I could ask my sister (who does know about the DE) how she feels about it. I'm pretty sure she sees no difference between this child and Piccolina. BUT........and this is a big butt (tee hee), technically, Nolan (my step-son) is just as "related" to my family as this child is (he's Mr. Peeveme's DNA but not mine)...and my family has never embraced him...although there are LOTS of reasons for that which are not their fault...he was older...they never saw him...he's kind-of a self-absorbed jerk....It's a totally different situation, I know, but it does give me pause because my family has never really embraced anyone who was not of our genetics (which is why I am not telling my parents). I always grew up hearing my mom say things like, "They aren't really your cousins....Your uncle just married someone with kids". Or "They aren't 'insert my tribal name here' because they are adopted". So I know how my mother feels about genetics. It has certainly impacted the way I feel about genetics...which is why doing DE was such a hard decision for me and obliviously I am still working things out. But I had a HUGE incentive for changing my thought patterns about genetics....I wanted a family. Without DE it would not be possible for me to add to my family.

It worries me that, even though people are excited about this pregnancy, when Bambina arrives what if they don't feel connected due to lack of genetics? Everyone loves a little, innocent baby. But as she grows...as the differences become apparent...will they feel the same? And if the worst happened would they be able to love this baby and take care of her the same as Piccolina?

I know after she is born most of these doubts will fade and she will simply be my baby. But there are those situations that make me think about it and the God Parents aspect is one of them that I did not anticipate when I started.

Donor Egg Related Post: Facebook Ouch!

2009-06-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

Somebody I knew from high school posted this on my Facebook wall:

"Pregnant? Huge congrats. You've got beautiful genes and they should be passed down as many times as possible. Happy happy belated. xx"

She has no idea...why would she? Why wouldn't people assume this is my genetic child? I can't blame her. Apparently, I think rather highly of my genes as well!

It's just one of the things I will have to get used to. And eventually, my child will have to get used to. It's just a matter of fact that people will assume a genetic link. It's nothing to obsesses about but it will be a constant reminder.

BTW- Facebook rocks on your birthday. That many well-wishes makes a girl feel great.

__________________________________________________

Update: I'm not mad at her or anything. It is a nice compliment...just totally not applicable to my situation. Innocent and nice comments like that are just being filtered through my new DE lens (to borrow from Bluebird)and eventually I will get used to it.

Again...I am less concerned for myself and more concerned with how an innocent comment like that will make my child feel.

DE Related post-Doubts about The Donor and Feeling like a Ass

2009-06-11T11:06:00.000-07:00

Ok so I going to start documenting some of my DE thoughts even if they are not pretty or make me look bad. Here is one of them.

I'm smart. My DH is smart. Piccolina is smart (although at 2.5 is hard to tell how smart or how that will manifest). I know there are all types of smart but I'm talking about the traditional, school-approved "smart". Actually, I was not thought of as very smart by my teachers while in grade school or high school. I didn't get good grades, I didn't do homework but when I got to College and certainly Grad-school I understand how to succeed in school and ROCKED it. So while I was a slow starter.... I always tested off the charts...school wanted me to skip a grade...I think I was just too immature to make it work. I have always had the raw materials to be nerd-smart...I just didn't not apply them until I was an adult.

Dh has always been "school smart". Good handwriting, good at math, still remembers high school calculus (yes he took calc in high school). His parents never once asked him if he did his homework...he just did it and got really good grades. His parents did not finish grade-school so they could not help him. He did it all on his own.

Here is where I sound elitist and judgmental. I worry the donor is not that smart. I don't want to go into the reasons why because then I'd have to write paragraph upon paragraph stating my evidence...considering opposing evidence...acknowledging the limitations of my evidence and justifying my conclusions none of which I care to do here or anywhere else. All in all I am concerned that Bambina might not have all the genetic equipment to be nerd-smart.

I probably sound irrational and full of myself but part of doing DE means looking at what you value in yourself and mourning the loss of that. It could just as easily been musical ability (which I do have), athletic ability (which I don't),looks (which we'll get to in a another post) or some other quality.

I know that even kids with the same parental DNA can be wildly different and that there are other qualities that are just as important but I am focused on this brain thing for some reason. Not obsessed or anything....it's just something I think about from time to time. It's not nagging.....just present.

And then I feel like an ass for sounding so full of myself, judging someone I have never met who gave me the most generous, compassionate gift imaginable. A person, who, by her profile, seems thoughtful, fun, likable. And then I try to focus on Bambina being kind, compassionate, fun and likable. That would not be so bad for her to have some of those qualities.... the qualities I feel I lack. The people who know me would never use those words to describe me.

But I'm still eating extra protein because of all the brain development that happens in the 3T. What? I can want her to have both smarts and a good personality.

I never worried about these things when I was pregnant with Piccolina. Yes, I wonder what she will be like but I don't worry. I don't think I am worried about Bambina becasue it's not MY DNA....as if MY DNA is some genetic jackpot or something. No, I think I am more worried because I don't want her to feel separate, different, not fully one of us, not fully whole.

While I'm thrilled to let my children be who they are (not mini versions of me; no wish fulfillment or vicarious living here) I have more concerns for my DE child. I am truly excited to see how my children develop. I want to see them become who they are; see what makes then unique (something I might not have fully appreciated if I had not done DE). But what if what makes her unique makes her feel less than or separate from us? I do not have those concerns for my genetic child. Piccolina being different just IS and would not cause any concerns. Bambina being different might cause her confusion or questioning.

So once again with this DE thing I have my concerns and worries that I, as an adult, can navigate through. But I am left with my concerns for my child and how she will feel. I always end up in this place. All I can do is be aware and try to make it ok for her to feel whatever she feels about it.

BTW- I totally know that a lot of things are determined by nurture...but I really believe that nature determines the upper and lower limits. Certain things are set and nurture can only enhance/detract.

De Realted Post: My Rocky First Trimester; Trying to get Perspective

2009-06-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

I got the long awaited BFP...HCG more than doubled...everything was looking great. I was happy. Then came the time for the viability scan at about 6 weeks. Mr. Peeveme and the Dr. were there. I was on the table...looking at the heartbeat...and my first thought was, "It's not the same".

I couldn't believe it. After all that time, effort money and emotional energy and here I was looking at the heartbeat and I felt...disappointment. I walked to my car and in my head I had this ringing, "It's just not the same". I did not have the elation I had when I saw Piccolinna's heartbeat. When I saw Piccolina I cried with joy. I cried this time too....but unknown to my husband and the Dr. I was crying becasue my first thought was, "It's not the same" and felt guilty about it. That's hard to admit.

I tried to shrug it off (as I do with most emotional things especially when they are not rational) but it only got worse. As the nausea and fatigue set in my mental state got worse. "What was I thinking? I can't do this. I can barely handle one kid right now...how can I handle another ...and one I might not love as much....or one who might end up resenting me, not seeing me as her mother. What the hell did I do?".

I didn't panic. I just felt it, acknowledge it for a moment then pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I tried to think logically. I remembered when I was in the 1st trimester with Piccolina I felt similarly doubtful and overwhelmed. The hormones and fatigue can really make one wish they weren't pregnant and doubt their ability to be a mom. "That's all it is" I told myself. "Normal 1st trimester doubts". It's just because I did Donor Eggs that I am extra sensitive to those feelings.

I trusted that they would go away when the fog of the 1st trimester lifted. It felt real at the time...but I didn't want to give it too much influence since I was hoping it was temporary. I just held on. I didn't post much during this time. I didn't talk to anyone. I just endured. And hoped.

I also think that this being a 2nd child has something to do with the way I was feeling. I think the 2nd time around, one is less excited. It's not new, your are not as nervous, joyous ect. I think that is normal but again since this child is from a Donor I am extra sensitive any time I remember being happier, more excited ect with Piccolina.

In addition to all this, we were having (still are) having financial difficulty (who isn't?). So that also added to my anxiety level and my doubts.

Since the 2nd trimester I am feeling differently like I thought I would. I am happy, I am excited. I am looking forward to having this baby. I think I am as happy as I would be if this were my genetic child and my conflicted feelings are not a reflection of my love, excitement and anticipation for this child. I also think the 2nd child is just different from the first...no matter what the genetics.

I'm just trying to keep it all in perspective but I think with Donor Eggs perspective is harder to come by. This pregnancy is just different from my first and Donor Eggs is just one aspect.

I thought that once I got pregnant it would be smooth sailing and I was a little surprised when it didn't happen that way. I was shocked by my emotional response. I was really side swiped by that. I wonder if I had not had a genetic child if I would have had those doubts? I'm in a really good place now. It took time and I know I will be dealing with aspects of Donor Eggs for a long time...possibly a lifetime but I hope it becomes just one small aspect of our family story...not the whole story.

DE related post-Learning to Live with Being Conflicted

2009-06-04T09:13:00.000-07:00

I want to elaborate on my last post becasue I don't want to mislead anyone about my ongoing emotional journey with Donor Eggs. To a certain extent I am still "in process" and I think I always will be in some form (either myself or my children or my family when they find out). I was just so happy the other day to realize I was over a huge hump and wanted to share. I want be reassuring but I also want to be realistic.

When I first started to look into Donor Eggs (after completely dismissing it as "not for me") I would read blogs and messages boards that would say things like, "you'll never look back". And when I got there..the BFP...I did look back. And while I am over the moon right now I was not always over the moon.

While I feel wholeheartedly what I wrote in my last post...I still wish I did not have to have done DE. I wish regular IVF could have worked. Again, I love this baby and would not change things as they have turned out but if I had it all to do over again....the usual way would have been my first choice. I don't want to mislead any of you. I have had my low points with the DE thing. Mostly pre-cycle and the 1st trimester. Now that I am here...30 weeks pregnant... I am so glad this did work. For me it was the right choice...despite my doubts...which I think are normal and healthy.

Yes, I have had doubts. No, I do not think those will ever completely go away and they will get tons more complicated as this child grows up and she begins to deal with some of the emotions I have been dealing with.

But there is love and gratitude and I know that everything is going to be ok. Not so long ago I did not believe that everything would be ok. I know that some of you are there right now...not sure...terrified it wont work...terrified what is means if it does work. I was there, too, and it got kinda-of bad for a while.

Next post...my first thought when I had that first u/s and saw the heartbeat and the weeks I thought I had made a terrible mistake.

Finally a DE Related Post

2009-06-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

Just a passing thought I had today..not a long-well thought out post about Donor Eggs. Just a quick thought.

Today I thought, what if? What if I could magically change this fetus for one with my genetics. What if I could have that baby I wanted a year ago (before this DE adventure) but it meant this one would not exist. And I, without a second thought, chose this one.

I don't want A baby...I want this baby even though it's not my DNA. I want her. She is exactly who she is supposed to be. My DNA could not improve upon her.

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-06-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's graduation time. Not for me but since I work at a College I'm aware that this is the time of year when all those celebrations and ceremonies happen.

10 years ago I got my Ph.D. I was the graduation speaker for my ceremony. I auditioned and everything and was selected as the speaker for the 1999 graduating class for the College Of __________ at the University of __________. My parents are not the type to outwardly show emotions like pride but they were positively beaming. One of the few times in my life I can remember seeing my parents and knowing they were proud of me. Not that I didn't know they were proud while I was growing up but they are not criers, huggers ect. My knowledge came more from logical conclusions (I;m getting a Ph.D. so it's logical that my parents would be proud) rather then emotional outbursts. I guess the word for it is reserved.

It was a truly perfect moment. Completion of my Ph.D., family and friends present and I was the speaker to boot. But what I most cherish is that I was able to speak from a Native perspective in a venue where any non-white perspective is rare. I think I totally brought the diversity. Plus, I was concise. Man, do I value concise in a graduation speech!

Here is my speech:

Welcome graduates, families, friends and distinguished guests. It is a high honor to be chosen to speak at such an important ceremony.

For the graduates this is a significant day. It is a day of recognizing sacrifice and hard work. It is a day to celebrate the completion of one phase of life before moving on to the next. Perhaps most importantly, from this day on we will no longer be asked by family, friends, and perfect strangers, “When are you finally going to be done?”

In a number of ways I am uniquely qualified to address this commencement. I have been at COLLEGE NAME for almost eleven years, I am a member of one of the original peoples of Southern California – TRIBAL NAME – and I am quite possibly the first of my Nation to earn of Ph.D. from this institution.

I’d like to speak about the importance and role of ceremony in our lives. This knowledge comes not from me but from Native peoples. Knowledge passed down for countless generations, from the Creator, to the ancestors, to elders, through me, to you. It is fitting that this graduation day is also the time of the Summer Solstice. At the time of our creation the Creator gave us the instructions for living in this land. During the Solstice ceremonies we perform the necessary actions to prevent the sun from flying off into space and, during the Winter Solstice, from hurtling into the Earth, both of which would doom all mankind. We have done this from the beginning of our time. By the way....You're Welcome.

For the MY TRIBE, this is a holy time. If I were not here I would be in ceremony with my tribe. The solstice marks more than the passing of spring into summer. It is a time for reflection as well as projection, gratitude and congratulation. It is a time for family and community to come together and celebrate. During ceremony, we fast and pray all night, from sundown until sunup, at the solstice observation place – the center of our universe – which has been used for countless generations. We remember those who have come before and imagine those who will come after. At dawn we greet the summer sun and celebrate a new season, a celebration made sweeter because of the previous day’s sacrifice.

Today’s ceremony shares many of the same elements of the TRIBAL NAME ceremony. We have all sacrificed much and as we sit here in _____ Hall – the center of the NAME OF COLLEGE universe-- which has been used for generations– we reflect, we imagine our future, and we celebrate. Most significant is the coming together of our families and community. Their presence here is vital to the ceremony, for we did not get here alone.

Those sacrifices have not just been our own. Each person here has made their own sacrifices so that we could achieve our goal. We must acknowledge that this ceremony is as much for you, our families, friends and faculty, as it is for us. If I may speak for the graduates, you have our deepest gratitude. We hope to make you half as proud of us as we are of you. We owe you a huge debt.

In the Native way the education of one betters the entire community. This is especially true for this field. As we put our training to use we will be serving our communities. In this way we can begin to repay that debt. By serving future generations we repay the sacrifices of past ones. We have been the beneficiaries of sacrifices made not just by our families and friends but by those we have never met and hopefully our work will have a positive impact on those we can only imagine.
Ceremony strengthens personal, community, and spiritual relationships. It reminds us of our personal growth, where we have been, where we hope to go. It allows us to celebrate with and give thanks to our community. When viewed in this way, today’s ceremony takes on additional meaning. It is more than the conferment of a title or degree; ceremony binds us to a cycle that renews itself every day, every year, every generation.

Thank you and Congratulations

Omg twice in one day. This grad ceremony is taking forever. This sucks. 6 hours of torture in one day.

2009-05-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

a 12 hour day...half of which was absolute torture. I'm may have to fake labor to get out of here. It's bad enough on a normal day but it's my birthday. Poor me.

In meeting hell

2009-05-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

.....please send help. Lordy! This is torture. Focus people. I have other things to do today.

-posted from my iphone.

My Birthday is coming up...I wonder what Mr. Peeveme has planned...

2009-05-26T09:00:00.000-07:00

If it's even 1/8th this over-the-top and trying-too-hard I will worry about the state of our marriage.

OMG, is it just me or are these two of the most annoying people on earth?

Dean McDermott Goes All Out for Tori Spelling's Birthday

He gets a tattoo to profess his "undying love for my gorgeous wife", threw a surprise party, surfing lessons. "I wanted her to have a special birthday because she's the love of my life," he says of the weekend. "She deserves the world."

I think a good partnership means doing little things every day that show respect, honoring, commitment and love. Offering to do my day-care pick up, buying me peanut butter even though it makes Mr. Peeveme gag. It's the everyday that builds a marriage not the celebratory days.

I'm not saying they don't have a good marriage...how would I know but methinks the dude doth proclaims too much.

Baby Mommas

2009-05-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes Mr. Peeveme and I have inappropriate conversations about DE. IDK, sometimes we just make jokes about it. I'm sure we are not alone. The other day he called me his "Baby Momma". We then realized that I was only 1 of 3 Baby Mamas of his. Nolan's mom, me and the donor. We had a good laugh about that becasue it makes him sound like an irresponsible louse who can't keep it in his pants when he is actually a good, caring father and husband. 3 Baby Mommas!

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-05-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

My perfect moment was just now. I was trying to come up with a perfect moment from this past weekend and realized there were way to many pick just one.

Thank Goodness...I'm anemic

2009-05-05T14:12:00.001-07:00

Ok so that title probably isn't exactly what I intended to convey but I am relieved as all get-out to find a reason for my being so tired. I was thinking maybe I was too old and I was getting really down on myself or being so friggin tired and fatigued all the time. I remembered having so much energy with Piccolina. I would challenge anyone to a foot-race in my stilettos at the drop of the hat. I was one of those super-woman pregnant ladies who not only worked up until the due date but 10 days beyond my due date. Then, one day,I went home from work and had a baby. I never took a day off work. I kept up with all my house work and walked everyday. With this pregnancy I was doubting myself becasue I just didn't feel like I thought I should. The fact that I was not bounding with energy and needed to sit a while when I got home from work instead of launching into a brisk walk, making dinner, doing dishes and folding laundry got me a little sad and introduced self-doubt. Also, I am prone to second guessing every little negative feeling because of the DE. So I am very relieved to have a legit medical reason for being such a sloppy, sloth-y, sad-sack.

Two weeks of iron supplements and an iron -rich diet (Good thing I love lentils and Total Cereal, spinach) I am already feeling better.

Swine-dled

2009-05-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

We just had a meeting about our "plan" for the H1N1 virus (formerly known as Swine Flu). So we are stockpiling hand sanitizer and masks and will be distributing both to our students and staff. Apparently there is a run on both these items so we sent someone to the local huge quantity store right away to get them before they sold out.

I guess it has escaped everybody's notice that hand sanitizers and most masks do little to prevent the spread of the virus.

From what I understand the kinds of mask needed to help protect one from infection are N95 particulate masks...basically hospital grade. They are more effective when infected people use then to prevent spreading the virus but their ability to prevent a healthy person form catching the virus is questionable.

As for hand sanitizers...they claim to kill bacteria, not viruses and their efficacy in killing bacteria is questionable for those that contain less that 60% alcohol(although that hasn't stopped me from pumping mine a whole lot more than normal). Check out your hand sanitizer...does it claim to kill viruses? Mine says "germs"* (which means bacteria). So they probably will not kill the N1H1 virus. It might but I have not found anything that says it will.

Anyhow, I just sat there saying nothing because I don't want to be the bitch who injects a bit a fact into our plans.

I know there are some medical types out there who probably know more than I do (Am I high on germ-X fumes here?) but a few google searches of non-advertisement sites tell me that masks and sanitizers really don't do much other than make us feel safer.

Even our Campus health professional was buying into the mask/sanitizer thing...so I shut my trap. The only thing that would come out of my saying something would be me being seen as a contrarian, know-it-all.

I'm not judging anyone who uses sanitizers or masks (Ok little judgment on the masks becasue really...seems kind-of dramatic especially if you are in an areas without any infections). My own hands are so dry from all the sanitizer but I do think we should understand that these are largely measures to make us feel safer....not make us safe.

But the sanitizer and mask companies are going to make a mint!

Silver Lining and a Conspriacy Theory

2009-04-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

Never let it be said that I am a complainer. Ok, I am a HUGE complainer (Hey, I do have some self-awareness....I'm just powerless to stop it) but every now and then I try to find the silver lining (as ridiculous as it may be).

Once, my mother told me that now that I was pregnant everyone knew I had had sex. Yes, I'm nearly 40 and married to a hot man so to assume I have the sex isn't what I'd call wild speculation or particularly scandalous but if proof were needed, a pregnant belly would indeed be proof...for most women. (Clearly, my mother has some deep, long-standing Catholic guilt about sex which she unsuccessfully tries to pass along to her kids.) And I told her, "We'll they'd be wrong about that. Mr. Peeveme and I were not even in the same town when we conceived."

So I guess when Piccolina or Bambina asks how they were made I can say, "When a mother and father love each other very much they go to see a Dr. and a team of highly trained professionals who, for lots of $$$$$.....

Not that I'm trying to maintain my virgin status or anything and I mean no disrespect to The Virgin Mary but my conceptions have been immaculate. Maybe that's the real reason the Catholic Church is against IVF?

Parable Corner

2009-04-28T13:06:00.000-07:00

This isn't really a parable. I just found out that parables tend to have human characters. Sorry about the inaccurate post-tile but I do love this story and wanted to share.

Do you know the difference between the Dead Sea and the very much alive Sea of Galilee? The Dead Sea has no outlet. Both are fed by the same source but the Dead Sea can only receive an inward flow. The Dead Sea is prevented from flowing outward and the accumulation of salt has killed it. The Sea of Galilee is alive only because what flows in can also flow out.

-From The Story Factor, Annette Simmons

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-04-27T08:59:00.000-07:00

Today I am going to pay my embryo storage fees. I'm paying for the year so it's going to be hefty.

I never thought I'd even have that privileged.

Thanks to the Donor.

Pregancy Update

2009-04-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

Some of you may not want to read this becasue you are in a bad infertility place right now. Others might not want to read this becasue it's long and boring. You've been warned.

I have been mum on my pregnancy. I have been reluctant to post much for many reasons. At first it was a lot take in and I was deep in the throws of 1st trimester symptoms. I was dealing with some emotional issues related to DE (which will become it's own post). I have the usual level of guilt many former infertiles have and am careful not to go on and on about how super-awesome it is to be pregnant. Don't get me wrong...it is super-awesome but I always felt a bit ...miffed... when former interfiles get pregnant and completely forget what it's like still be in the trenches. I think everyone can and should glow but I do want to have a certain amount of sensitivity. It's a hard line to find but I read many blogs that have done just that (been happy about their pregnancy but maintained a certain sensitivity). Other times I feel hurt (even thought I am pregnant) or annoyed by what can come across as carelessness. I fear coming across that way.

That being said here is my update.

I am 25 weeks as you can tell from my widget. Everything looks great. Other than the time I had a stuck uterus everything is textbook and healthy. As of today I am at a 16 lb weight-gain which is exactly what I should be. Baby is kicking all the time. I feel bigger than last time around but I think that's normal for a second pregnancy.

All tests on baby look fine. Since the donor was 27 at the time of transfer and all screening test have come back in normal ranges I did not do an amnio. If we were using my old eggs I would certainly have done one but for this pregnancy it I didn't think it was neccessary. Plus amnios are scary and painful. Overall I'm just a lot less stressed about this pregnancy than I was the first time. Again, I think that is standard with a 2nd pregnancy. Plus having a younger, healthy egg helps my anxiety level.

At the level 2 u/s everything measured healthy. All parts of baby and me are on track and accounted for. Baby didn't not cooperate so we do not know the sex. The tech said he thought it is probably a girl so we'll go with that. I would like to know with more certainty but an eductaed guess is good enough for me. Besides, all I really wanted to know from that test is that baby has a brain and that it's kidneys are on the inside. Not that I want to be surprised...I like to plan, pick out a name, bond...but I can do all that with a 75% chance. I could pay for another u/s but 1) I don't want to spend the money 2) I'm not in love with doing medically unnecessary tests. So we'll just go with the assumption that she is a she.

I am thrilled either way. I had no preference about sex going into this. A girl is easier since we have all the stuff. If it turns out to be a boy...he'll have to wear some pink at first. No big deal. Actually with Piccolina I bought mostly gender neutral stuff anyhow so it will all work. Plus it gives me more lobbying room to get Mr. Peeveme to agree to #3. I would like to try for a boy (even though 3 girls sounds pretty awesome too). He's dead-set against a #3. Even though he agreed last year to a #3 and we have 7 blasts on ice. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

No preparations have begun for this baby. Really. Nothing. I figure I have everything I need. It's just a matter of getting it out of the garage and assembling it. The most time consuming thing I will have to do is get all the clothes out of their storage bags and wash them and rearrange the kids drawers and closet to accommodate two sets of clothes. (Two sets of clothes...I could pinch myself)

With this pregnancy I seem to be a lot more tired. I remember having more energy last time. I have 3 explanations 1) I am 3 years older 2) I have a toddler 3) I am not able to take care of myself like I did the last time (see reason #2). I am also having some issues with incontinence (again, normal 2nd pregnancy stuff). Every time I laugh I pee a little which, in turn, make me laugh even harder becasue I think it's funny....it's a vicious and damp cycle.

Since I am at the point of viability I did contact my doula. I would really like to go unmendicated again and without her I would not have made it through an unmediated-induced labor. She's open during our due date! So I need to read my book and start doing my Kegels which should also help with that little incontinence problem I mentioned.

Ok so that's about it. We are healthy and on track. Baby is probably a girl. Have done nothing to prepare but I don't really need to yet. One or two trips to BabiesRus and and weekend of washing and folding should do it. I'm only 25 weeks so as long as things continue on this healthy path I have lots of time. I say that now....once that nesting energy kicks in I will probably have all that nervous energy and freak myself out. The biggest thing I have to do is prepare myself for unmedicated labor: read, make that mental commitment, meet with my doula.

When people ask me how I am doing I tell them great. Everything is just great...becasue it is. Of course, I have the normal pregnancy issues (so tired, uncomfortable, stressed, heartburn) but really it's wonderful to have all those inconveniences.

They way I describe it to folks is: "I am stupid-happy morning, noon and night".

Mascot Question and Answer

2009-04-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

Question from Parenthood for Me

That must be so satisfying. I have a question for you. I live in W. NY. Home of the Iroquois Tribes. I live in a town called Irondequoit. Our town name means "Where the land and waters meet" because our suburb is surrounded by water on three sides. Our high school mascot was an Indian head and our team names was the Irondequoit Indians. The name and logo were changed in 2003. Our residents were disappointed b/c our town name is NA. What is your opinion on this? Was our mascot and name offensive? I have always wanted to ask Native American their opinion.

Answer:

Thank you so much for your comment about the mascot issue. I know it can be confusing for people especially when it is not done out of malice. I understand that many communities do not intend to offend Indian peoples.

In regard to your specific question about if the high school mascot was offensive...in a word, yes. It is always offensive to use Native Americans as mascots even if that is not the intent. Now, if the school was named for a prominent Indian person (say ..Oren Lyons) then that would be an honor. The way Americans honor their peoples is to name the school, bank, airport, street after them....not the mascot. So Sitting Bull High School is a completely different thing then having Indians/Warriors/Braves as the mascot. Does that make sense?

To put in into another context: John F. Kennedy High School is an honor to one of our Presidents. Having the Cheerleader dress up in bill-box hats and calling them the Jackie-ettes would not be honorable.

Thanks again for your question. I think it's important for people with honest questions to have the forum to ask them in without fear of being attacked.

Peeveme

The Step Son- The Infertility Angle

2009-04-21T08:39:00.001-07:00

I can't tell you how hard it is to be raising someone else's kid while going through infertility. It's unreal. If infertility is hard you can double that emotional difficulty if you are also raining someone else's kid. All the sacrifice...none of the joy. I know that sounds harsh but when you are raising a difficult teenager (is there any other kind?)there is no joy. Just survival. Keep in mind that he lived with us full-time and Mr. Peeveme traveled a lot.

Until I came into the picture Mr. Peeveme never really parented Noland. He lived on the other side of the country and when Nolan was visiting he would stay with his grandparents and Mr. Peeveme would show up for dinner then go out or go home and Nolan would sleep at his grandparents house. When Mr. Peeveme and I got engaged I began to push for Mr. Peevme to be the one Nolan stayed with when he was visiting. He'd go to his grandparents for the day while Mr. Peeveme was working but would eat dinner/sleep at Mr. Peeveme's house. Mr. Peeveme really needed to be more of a father to Noland at least for the few weeks a year he was here. I was worried my MIL would hate me because I was taking her grandson away from her...turns out she literally praised God for me. She knew Nolan needed his dad but what surprised me is that she also said that he needed me. Once he moved here she told me that since I had come around she could see a change in Nolan. He seemed happier although I'm not sure that is the right word. Maybe more at ease, secure.

I looked forward to building our family.

When Nolan came to live with us we had already been TTC for a few months. Then the months of charting, the testing, 7 failed clomid cycles and 2 injectable cycles.

In addition to the resentment that comes with raising someone eles's kid while not being able to have your own, the lack of privacy in my own home was the hardest thing. Think about doing all your infertility stuff and trying to keep it private from someone living in your home. Logistically and emotionally it's very difficult.

Keeping my medicines hidden away, voice-mail messages from my RE, I couldn't even have an argument, sex or a good cry in my own home without being very aware that I had to be very quiet.

I remember one ironic moment when Noland was 17(ironic and horrific). Mr. Peeveme was away. I went out to the garage to go to work and I found a used condom in the floor. I called Mr. Peeveme and told him. When I got home that night it was gone (thanks goodness...soooo don't want to have THAT conversation with my step-son). But it's ironic...I'm desperately trying to get pregnant and my step-son is trying to prevent getting his girlfriend pregnanct. At least he was using a condom.

Side story: I was also very pissed that his girlfriend was at our house when we were not home and having sex in our house. Her parents had a rule that Nolan could not be at her house if they were not there. We made the same rule. So when Mr. Peeveme spoke to Nolan about the condom he mentioned that she was not to be here and he was not to be there if there were no parents home. Nolan told Mr. Peeveme that her parents didn't mind anymore. Mr. Peeveme asked him how he knew that. Noland confidently informed Mr. Peeveme, "They made that rule before they knew me. Now they like me". Of course, there was no change of the rule (I spoke with her mom to confirm...but I did not mention the condom). It was just Nolan thinking he's so charming, embellishing, lying.

When I finally got pregnant and had a baby I had no privacy. Trying to breastfeed, bond, etc. No time alone. His mother, who lived with her boyfriend nearby would not let him stay for more than one night. Her live-in boyfriend had once made the comment to me that Nolan was not a very good house guest. I wanted to have a week to myself to heal, learn to breastfeed, bond. I'd be up multiple times a night with the baby and had no place to go. I left my bedroom because Mr. Peeveme was sleeping. I could not go in the family room because Noland's was room adjacent and the noise woke him up. I'd sit in the kitchen. It may seem like a small thing but I really wanted to be able to sit on a comfortable sofa and watch a little TV in the middle of the night while breastfeeding a colicky baby. Instead I was sitting on a hard chair in the kitchen.

When Piccolina was born he simply ignored her. He absolutely never acknowledged her existence. Never looked at her, used her name, asked about her, and was put-out anytime we had to stop listening to his long "I'm so great" stories to tend to her. I can see a 6 year old being jealous that but a 16 year old? I don't expect a teenage boy to take an interest in a baby but there was something very wrong with his behavior;the way he absolutely ignored her existence. It's one thing to not be that interested but another thing to completely ignore a baby. Mr. Peeveme would purposely walk near Noland while holding her and Noland would leave the room. Nolan's grandparents, aunt, my parents all found it very disturbing. I actually didn't care that much. It just confirmed what I already knew about Nolan: he has emotional and character issues that run very deep.

When we were trying for number 2....more Dr.s appointments, medicines/needles to hide (which is hard to do for medicines that need refrigeration). When I had a miscarriage at home I had to stifle my cries of pain and anguish. That day I went to work, came home and cooked dinner then excused myself from the table to go upstairs and had a miscarriage as quietly as I could. During those m/c months (took about a month between the time I found out I would m/c and the actual m/c plus another 6 weeks before my HCG was down to 0) I was depressed, angry, short tempered, you know, your basic sad chick and I had no privacy to mourn.

It's not Nolan's fault that I'm infertile. It's not his fault that his mom cares more about her boyfriend than him but I can't tell you how hard it is to help parent someone else's messed-up kid while I am trying desperately to have my own. Resentment is impossible to avoid.

I think I will always feel robbed of my privacy both when I was infertile and when I was a new mom. Again, not Nolan's fault...it;s just the way it was but his lying, manipulation, weirdness abotu the baby didn't help this situation. He;s not responsible for his mothers' irresponsibility or my infertility but he is responsible for his own behaviors.

It was not a good time for any of us. Things seem to be getting better though. I am pregnant (YEA!)and when we told Nolan while he was visiting in December he actually said with real sincerity (I can tell when he's bullshitting) "Oh, wow, Congratulations".

He has found a good job; no small thing in this economy. He just moved into a new apartment. So it looks like with this baby I will have some privacy.

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-04-20T10:00:00.001-07:00

I am an activist. Have been most of my adult life. I happen to be a known expert on the Mascot issue (as in the use of American Indians as school/sports mascot). This past week I was asked to speak at an event. First there was a documentary film and then I spoke.

Some of our faculty members offer their students extra credit to attend these types of events. The day after, a faculty member sent me an e-mail one of her students wrote in completion of her extra credit assignment.

"In watching the Mascot video, a lot of aspects of how American culture perceives Indian culture now strikes me as disrespectful. I never even gave a second thought to why mascots with names such as "Red Skins" would be offensive until I saw the reaction and heard the arguments from Indians themselves. There were many measures taken to ban use of Indian related names and mascots for sports and there has been much success in middle schools, high schools, and college to further these restrictions.

The guest speaker moved me so much because she has such a passion for what she does. Her job is to go to schools and teach people about how to respect Indian culture and how sacred values are to Indians. She is a descendant of the California Indians who had been almost completely wiped out. She reached me deeply as she spoke about how important it is for her to protect her culture and to try and revive what is left of it. Her songs she sang in her native language were beautiful and she emphasized that learning her language is so important because now she can actually pray in a voice that her ancestors can understand. She was truly an inspiration to me and she compels me to reach further into my heritage and be proud of where I came from, my history, and who I am today."

I was offered a stipend for my services which I usually donate to the sponsoring organization of the event. This e-mail is the type of payment I prefer.

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-04-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

Mr. Peeveme and I started dating 9 years ago. At the time he, his brother (John), and father ran a family business. Mr. Peeveme and his brother were good friends. They went out together, knew each others friends and they were even considering buying a house together. When Mr. Peeveme and I started dating we hung out with his brother often. A few moths after Mr. Peeveme and I started dating John met a women (Clara), they started dating and moved very quickly into living together and her working at the family business. You can see where this is going. In about a year Mr. Peeveme and his brother were barely on speaking terms and Mr. Peeveme was being bought out (forced out) of the family business.

There were lots of other slights and offenses during those years. It got very uncomfortbale. We would be at a family gathering they would not even say hello to us. Mr. Peeveme's mother was distraught because her sons use to be good friends and now they hated eachother. I made an effort to at least be polite because I respected my MIL. But each time we tried we were rebuffed. Have you ever tried to have small talk with someone who pretends they can't hear you or gives you a yes/no answer then walks away? Yea. Good times. And it wasn't like I wanted to talk with them. I was dong it to try to make peace.

My MIL told me that ever time she asked them over to dinner they'd ask if we were coming and if we were they'd decline.

Resentments ran hot and thick for a long time.

For almost a year now we have been actually enjoying each other's company. It's beyond just trying to get along with each other. I genuinely enjoy seeing John and Clara and I think they feel the same.

John and Clara have two girls...one a year older and one a year younger than Piccolina. The girls love the play together. And seeing them play together makes me as happy as I have ever been.

On the drive home last night from dinner at my In-laws I just smiled to myself. I can't believe how far we have come. Clara and I talked about shoes and our mutual love of the show House. John told me I was looking a little pudgy these days and I played right along with a "does this make me look fat?" question. We planned a family trip for Easter...all of us together. I am so grateful we are past those difficult years. It was so draining.

The Step-Son: The Teenage years

2009-04-01T12:24:00.001-07:00

Nolan came to live with us when he was 14. Prior to that he lived on the other side of the country with his free-spirited mother. By the time he was 13 he had moved 14 times. While he was in no-way abused as a court would define it he did have a destructive combination of spoiling and neglect the effects of which were very apparent. Not only was I the custodial step-mom of a teenager but my husband traveled a lot....so I was the primary care giver as well.

I realize there are much worse step-parenting stories out there. We weren't dealing with a kid who was violent, drug addicted, yelling "Shut-up, bitch, you aren't my mother". No, In fact, Nolan is rarely surly or cross like most other teenagers which I greatly appreciate. Mostly he's a very pleasant and engaging person. But he's sneaky and manipulative. You know you are NEVER getting the full story and you have to ask 1 million questions 1 million different ways to find his angle...becasue there is ALWAYS an angle. It's exhausting and really disconcerting and frankly makes me dislike speaking with him becasue I know it's all bullshit. Most of what he says is embellished, pertinent facts are omitted, and there is always such an arrogance and know-it-all-ism.

Here is an example of the type of lie he tells continually and why I was so concerned from early on. For weeks he was planning a big debate at school on the death penalty with the Republicans (his side was anti-death penalty...I gotta say the kid has great politics). The morning of the debate I said, "Oh the debate is today. Good luck Nolan. I can't wait to hear how it goes". And he says, "Thanks". Just making conversation I asked him, "Is it at lunch or after school?" After hemming and hawing for a bit (which clued me into the fact that something was up) he finally admitted the debate got canceled.

Most normal people would have said, "It got canceled" first without my digging deeper. The fact that he would knowingly let someone operate under a misunderstanding...a misunderstanding that he created...is weird. Why does someone do that? Power? Status? Image? There is no reason to lie here so why the lie of omission? I find it to be even more troublesome than a teenager who outright lies to stay out of trouble. At least they have a reason for lying. Nolan does not. He simply lies and manipulates. All the time. To everyone.

To me that kind of behavior reveals an underlying contempt for people. A need to have control over other people by hiding facts from them...even facts of no consequence. In the end I think Noland likes people to the extent that they are useful to him or to the extent they do his bidding. He sees himself as the smartest, most creative, and only person that matters.

Given his mother and his life you might feel sorry for him and I do have a certain amount of empathy for him but his continual choice to lie, manipulate and never accept responsibility makes any empathy quickly fade away. Even more so now that he is 19.

His first semester of high school he got on the honor roll. After that his grades slipped. And by slipped I mean he was continually in danger of failing multiple classes. Furthermore, he insisted on taking all the Advanced Placement courses. He always managed to pull out a c- so he could move onto the next level. Why the AP courses if you can't handle them? Status. Image. He loved to say he's in AP English, AP Physics. It's all about image but not effort or truly earning esteem.

His dad would tell him "No more AP courses" and Nolan would big-fat enroll in them anyhow. Mr. Peeveme went to the school and the counselors insisted that he let Nolan try AP courses again. Both he and I were pissed. We know our son. What in his transcript makes you think he can handle this? Mr. Peeveme caved into the pressure. Mr. Peevme, not being manipulator, was less convincing than Nolan.

In his senior year Nolan upped his antics to include the habitual cutting of classes. As in he never attended class. He would even ditch the course he liked such as choir and photography. At one point the kid had 8 out of 65 points in his econ class. And since he was 18 and could sign himself out of class, we didn't even know he was cutting. Not that we could have stopped him.

Surprisingly, during this time, there was no angry door slamming (on Nolan's part...Mr. Peeveme slammed a lot of doors). There was no disrespectful attitude. When we'd eat dinner every night we'd have lovely conversations about politics, technology, copy-right law. Nolan was positively delightful...especially when he was in trouble....which was really troubling. Again, it's manipulation. What kid gets grounded for the entire Summer and 1 hour later is cheerfully chatting up his father about his views on Net Neutrality? Poor Mr. Peeveme fell for it most of the time. Which made me mad at Mr. Peeveme most of the time. "I think Nolan is really ready to make a change this time. I think he's really serious and gets it", he's say. I would wonder out load and to myself, "When is Mr. Peeveme going to catch onto the fact that this is all manipulation?". It was maddening for me. Not good times I tell ya. Most of the time I was more angry with Mr. Peeveme than with Nolan.

When it looked like he was going to fail high school his mom was all over Mr. Peeveme saying, "You can't let him fail" and Mr. Peeveme was all, "I can't stop him". Besides, Mr. Peeveme and I felt that Nolan SHOULD fail; that he SHOULD understand the idea of consequences.

Nolan always found a way of wiggling out of the situations he got himself into. Either by begging, borrowing or doing just enough to pass. He'd make deals with teachers who, becasue they'd look bad with the administration if the failed a student, would "help" him to pass with extra credit assignments. Everyone bent over backwards for Nolan and he screwed them all by never living up to his side of the negotiated and renegotiated bargain. Teachers, parents, bosses. 2nd Chances, 3rd chances and more. Time and time again this was the pattern. All promises and talk. All manipulation. And it was never really his fault don't cha know.

He did finish high school over the summer at a continuation school to make up for the course he failed. Most of his other grades were D's.

During his Junior year he become enthralled with R.I.T. (Ro.chester Institute of Technology). Many times we told Nolan that we could not afford a private school. California has some of the best public institutions in the world and we could neither afford nor we were willing to pay for a private education when low-coast, high quality education was near-by. Additionally, given his tract record we weren't going to give him one red cent for college until he proved that he could be serious. No matter. The summer after he finished high school he moved out to New York (with the encouragement and the assistance of his mother) and deferred enrollment for a year. Of course, he had a "solid" job lined up which, of course, didn't pan out which, of course, was not HIS fault. Of course.

Within six months he had gotten fired from two jobs (actually he quit before he could be fired), pissed off his roommates who put his possessions on the porch, ran his credit into the ground. Crash and burn in 6 months.

So now he is back but not living with us. He is staying with a friend. But a 19 year old with ruined credit, two jobs in 6 months and probably bad recommendations from his former bosses doesn't bode well even in a good economy.

Mr. Peeveme and I sincerely hope that this is truly humbling for him, that he understands this is his fault, that these were HIS bad decisions. We hope he changes while he is still young enough to change.

I'm not seeing good signs though. Statements like: "My roommates were all crazy" (really all four of them?), "I was smarter than my boss", and "Ro.chester isn't a good place to live if you don't have money" make me think that, again, he feels nothing is actually HIS fault. It's Ro.chester's fault after all. DAMN YOU Ro.CHESTER!

Next: being a step-mother to a difficult teen while infertile.

The Step-son: An Introduction

2009-03-31T09:45:00.001-07:00

I have never written about my step son...let's call him Nolan. I have not written about Nolan becasue....well.....I have not had much of anything to say that was not a complaint. There, I said it. I know, it sounds awful and it probably is awful but there it is. Society has different standards when it comes to step-parents. Parents can say, "Man, my kid is driving me crazy", but if a step-parent says the same thing it sounds really mean and nasty. Try it, "Man my step-kid is driving me crazy." See? Mean.

He came to live with us when he was 14 and was with us full-time until he graduated high school (Well...he didn't actually "graduate"). Being a custodial step-mother of a teenager is more difficult than you can imagine. I don't recommend it. Seriously, step-parenting is hard to begin with but teenagers are just a whole other ball of wax. I remember myself as a teenager and I can't imagine my parents liking me very much for a few years either and they raised me with their values and expectations of behavior. So having a 14 year old teenager who has had a difficult life dropped into your newlywed lap ain't no picnic...for anyone.

Nolan is the type of kid (and now young adult) with lots of "issues" only they are not the typical "teenager" issues one expects, are developmentally normal and that they usually grow out of. No, Nolan has some very deep-seeded character issues that I fear will negatively impact his entire life.

On my 2nd date with Mr. Peeveme he told me he had a 9 year-old son. Nolan was supposedly an oops baby. His mother and Mr. Peeveme dated for 6 months in College. The plan was to graduate and go their separate ways..but she "accidentally" got pregnant. I swear I am not being a bitchy person when I accuse her of doing it on purpose. My evidence? She was charting to prevent pregnancy. Who does that? Nobody. I have charted and there is no way a women does that to avoid pregnancy. She also went on some huge "body cleans" 2 months before she got pregnant. Stopped drinking, caffeine, ect. Accident my ass.

Mr. Peeveme and Nolan's mom tried to make it work but, of course, it didn't. Much like Nolan, she lies habitually. If you meet her in person she seems like the nicest, most gracious, most interesting person...much like Nolan. And she is all those things....like Nolan. But she's lies, uses people, never plans, thinks the rules don't apply to her and does whatever she damn well-feels like doing no matter what the consequences are to her or other people and never takes responsibility....just like Nolan. A nice word to describe her would be a "free spirit". Thankfully she and I have not had much interaction and the times we have interacted she has been nothing but lovely and I, lovely right back.

Nolan was about 3 when they split for good after much going back and forth. When Nolan was 5 his mom found a new man and moved across the county (the first of many many, many new men/home situations for Nolan). We are not talking about a mom who does drugs, beats him ect. No real "abuse" as a court would define it but it certainly was not a stable home. Noland had a destructive combination of spoiling and neglect. One day they were best friends (I do not think parents should be their kid's friend. Kids need parents...not friends)...next she was off on another adventure (usually because she had a new boyfriend) and Nolan was left alone a lot.

Nolan lived on the other side of the country so we didn't see him much so it wasn't a part of everyday life. Six weeks in the summer...alternate x-mases, a week in Spring. Mr. Peeveme and I didn't live together so even when Nolan was here I was only sporadically around him but I knew from the start that the kid had problems.

He always embellishes. Nothing is ever his fault. Nothing is ever the complete truth even when there was no incentive to lie. He's arrogant beyond belief. When I first met him he was failing the 6th grade and his reasoning was that his teacher was jealous of him becasue he was smarter than her. A notion not discouraged by his mother. My mother would have slapped my smart-ass mouth if I ever dared to be that disrespectful and delusional. ...even Mr. Peeveme was buying into it until I explained he was not doing Nolan any favors by letting him think/talk that way.

By the time Nolan was 13 he had moved 14 times. His mother would get a new job...get canned after 6-12 months then have to move. She'd get a new boyfriend...move in....18 months later he'd get sick of her crap and kicked her out. Many times Nolan moved mid-year to a new school.

A few months after Mr. Peeveme and I got married Nolan's mom met a new man and wanted to move in with him. Only they'd have to move to a different city where all the public schools were very bad. They thought they'd just get Nolan into some fancy East Cost private school...never mind that his grades were very poor and nobody could afford the 30K per year tuition. No matter....he'd just get a scholarship. Yea, realistic indeed. Well, surprise, he didn't get into any school let alone get a scholarship.

So 3 weeks before our California public schools started he moved in with us. We live in a wonderful community with fantastic schools. And no, it's not an accident. We PLANNED it that way for when we had kids (pre-infertility days).

And so, I become the custodial step-mom of a teenager. Also, since Mr. Peeveme traveled I become the primary care-giver much of the time.

Next post...the teen years.

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-03-30T09:16:00.000-07:00

I have a Doppler so I can listen to the baby's heart when I get scared that it's all going to shit (which is much less often than it used to be). I use it maybe once a week. When I was pregnant with Piccolina I used the it almost every night. As the day progressed I would get more and more panicked that something happened. The sound of her heartbeat relaxed me enough so I could get to sleep. It made me giggle with happiness and I would delight in the unbelievable fact that I had a real live person growing inside of me.

Piccolinna loves to help Mamma with her "medicina" (medicine in Italian...that's what we call the doppler). She loves to help Mamma by pushing the button to turn the doppler on and she nods as I tell her, "That's baby's heart". Inevitably she wants to hear her own heart. So I put the doppler on her chest and she giggles with delight at the sound of her heart beating. Just as I did three years ago.

Ice Breaker/Ball Buster

2009-03-27T09:43:00.000-07:00

Recently, I attended a day-long seminar at work. There were about 20 of us. As is customary in these situations the presenters had us do an ice-breaker. This particular exercise had a list of statements and you had to find a person for each of the statements. The person with the most names wins.

The statements were things like:

I have eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for breakfast.
I speak a language other than English.
I practice the traditions of my ancestors.
I have lived in a foreign county.

Participants scurry around to find names to fill-in next to their statements and their name next to a statement of the other participants.

The further along you get the harder it is to find additional people and the harder it is to find a statement that you fulfill since all the easy ones are taken.

I was standing with a group of 3 or 4 co-workers and we were hurriedly comparing lists and offering up our names to various statements.

I found a statement I thought I could fill, "A person who has overcome a major personal challenge". I told them, "Put me down for that".

One of my co-workers asked, "What personal challenge have you overcome?". Never mind that this was probably not a wise question. I mean, what if I had over come a meth habit, nose picking or habitually crapping myself on Fridays or something else that I would not like to talk about?

I instinctively and proudly rubbed my growing belly as evidence of overcoming a major personal challenge.

She exclaimed, "THAT'S not a challenge".

Over the buzz and chatter of a room full of excitedly talking people I paused, got very serious and said in a measured tone, "If you only knew what I have gone through to get here you would not say that. Not everyone can have a baby whenever and however they want." And there was stunned silence. I went on, "If you only knew. I'm glad for you that you don't."

And then a ran away to another group of people becasue I'm a competitive bitch and I wanted to win!

Fuck you, Joel Madden

2009-03-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

Apparently you let love plan your babies. News flash...that ain't no plan and excuse my infertile ass if I don't jump-for-fucking-joy for you.

You knocked up your girl friend twice without planning so...you MUST be sooooo in love. Too bad my husband and I aren't as in love as you two must be. No, we must not love each other much at all since we had to let Dr. W and at least a dozen highly trained medical professionals and a one or two laymen plan our babies.

While I applaud your charitable efforts and dig your girlfriend's jewelry line I must inform you: That's luck...not love, dude.

By some twist of fate you are fertile and I am not. Mr. Peeveme and I have been through some really dark and uncertain times and STILL are a committed and loving team. My Dh will never be able to look in the eyes of the child I am carrying and see my eyes. We love despite the lack of genetic link. We love despite the fact that we had to spend over 60K and had numerous heartbreaking failures to get here. We love when our dreams have been shattered; when plan A, B, and C have failed. We love in the bad times.

Love is easy when things are good. Anyone can do that. Love that endures the bad times is real and lasting even if it's not fruitful in the reproduction department.

I wish you and your family the best of health and happiness. I don't know you. I don't know your struggles and challenges but you very publicly have something I have always wanted and planned for: child bearing with ease. Good for you. But don't say it's about love because it's not. You don't love your girlfriend more than I love my husband. You don't love your children more than I love mine. I'm infertile and while I have been quite literally "dead inside" (carrying around my dead baby for over a month while waiting for a natural miscarriage) I am not euphemistically dead inside. I love. Surmounting all encumbrance, I love.

Parable Corner

2009-03-25T11:35:00.001-07:00

I came across this parable and wanted to share. Stop me if you've heard this one.

A man came upon a construction site where three people were working. He asked the first, "What are you doing?" and the man answered, "I am laying bricks." He asked the second, "What are you doing?" and the man answered, "I am building a wall". He walked up to the third man, who was humming a tune as he worked and asked, "What are you doing?" and the man stood up and smiled and said, "I am building a cathedral".

Passive Agressive Co-worker-Part 3- The Resolution

2009-03-24T11:53:00.001-07:00

So I did it. I really called him out. There was no way he could squirm his way out of it now. Hey man, you opened this Pandora's box. Now let's deal with it openly and professionally. I was very nervous about what I had written and how he would react. I did try to remain professional and collegial but could no longer stand his drive-by shots and claims of "no agenda". I didn't have to wait long my my answer.

_______________________________________________________________________________

him:

Peeveme, not trying to goad you at all. I have to much respect for you and what you do here. I agree that all sides of this particular controversy were not aired/written about, but at the same time, I have to ask who would have a better handle on a subject than those that do it daily? Not just a SWAT team on a particular agency, but in any field and in any endeavor? As far as plain language, that is what I do and that is what I hope for in return. I think all I was trying to say with this particular article or any like it is that we may be running a risk of being so concerned about change that we lose sight/direction of what it is we are here to do. Change is the natural order of things and nothing remains stationary; if it did it stagnates and becomes useless. However, change for change sake is not what I hope we are doing, but rather truly looking at what works and what doesn't. Maybe that's all I was thinking about.

me:

"However, change for change sake is not what I hope we are doing, but rather truly looking at what works and what doesn't."

Ah, yes. I agree and glad we have boiled it down to the point. I get it. It is all about examining what we are doing and how we are doing it to so we can improve. I think when things start to change the natural tendency it to resist. Especially if that change means we have to let go of what is familiar and comfortable to us. Especially if, along with that change, is some sort of implication that we have been doing things WRONG the whole time.

I think we can achieve improvement-based change without inditing one another. I think that is how "the Committee" is trying to move forward and how current diversity movements differ from those of the 80's/90's.

I think the "change for change's sake" idea is important and we need to keep that in our minds. We need to have a reason for doing things. Not just to shake things up but with a clear purpose and intent.

him:

You have a much clearer idea of what I am trying say than I do!

________________________________________________________________________________

So I finally got him to say what he was thinking. It seems HE didn't even know what he was trying to say. I am a person of little patience. I have even less patience for people who do not know themselves. But becasue I made a genuine effort (multiple efforts) to assist him in getting behind his knee-jerk reaction (as well as suppressing my own knee-jerk reaction) we were able to get somewhere in our conversation. I was not trying to "confront" him. I just wanted him to get to his point and have it be a productive exchange.

It would have been much easier to just write him off as a jerk. It would have been much easier to just let him get away with his passive-aggressive thing. Instead I took a little time and mustered up a little courage and actually came to a place of deeper understanding of his position. Even he didn't know what he was saying until I helped him articulate it. He wanted to be heard but didn't know what he was trying to say or how to say it.

I see that as a very important aspect of leadership. Not that I see myself as a leader...but good leaders help the people around them instead of reacting to the people around them. They keep their egos in check. They work to understand the motivations and needs of others. You know when you are around a good leader. You feel heard, you feel understood, you feel empowered, you feel engaged.

I want people to feel like that after they meet with me but it's so hard to suppress my own needs (and sharp tongue) to do that. I can't say that I approach or leave every interaction like this. Far from it. However, I am very much becoming aware of more effective ways of dealing with people. While it has nothing to do with my "job" it has everything to do with my work.

And upon reflection I realize that this quality is much of what I try to do as a parent. I am not comparing my colleague to my two year old...but in the end, no matter how young or old we are...No matter if it's how a committee is running or if we want our brown shoes or pink shoes....we all want to feel heard, respected, and involved in the decision making. People have to feel that their needs are at least being acknowledged before they can move onto compromising and being productive.

Perfect Moment Monday

2009-03-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

Warning: this post involves me talking about my little girl. So skip it if you do not want to read about that kind of thing today. I completely understand.

Piccolina is 2 1/2. Yesterday Mr. Peeveme went to his office to get some work done so I had her all to myself. She's very much a Daddy's girl so I love my time alone with her. We don't do anything special. Just hang out and play as I try to get some housework done. I don't need a lot of things to do or even toys to keep her occupied. Soapy-water in a bowl and some spoons as I wash dishes will keep her happily occupied as does: a coloring book as I fold laundry, a clean sponge and some water as I clean the bathroom, her hands on the vacuum under mine as we vacuum, skootching around my wet kitchen floor on a towel to dry it after I have mopped. I realize our time together sounds more like child labor than play time.

As a career mom I only have the weekend to run my errands and get the house clean (I use that word loosely...I think I mean "livable"). As a grand finally to the day we take a walk around our neighborhood. We marvel at each flower, butterfly, dog, squirrel and bench. We say "hi" to our neighbors. Each night before bed we make a tent out of two chairs and a sheet and read books for at least 1/2 hour. We only have about 12 books but she sequels with delight as we squeeze into the tent and she selects the evening's readings.

Our paried-down lifestyle is a conscious choice. I made an effort not to buy a lot of things since before she was born. We make it a conscious effort not to "do" lots of things either. I want her to learn to be happy and content without all the flash and fluff. We have gone to the zoo once. Given how "deprived" she is I thought it was going to blow her mind. She liked it but seems just as happy "helping" Nonna make homemade pasta.

I took her to the ballet once. Again, she liked it and I will take her again but going to the park is just a thrilling to her.

We go to the homes of other children her age and I'm blown away by how many toys they have. It seems like every child her age (and much younger) is in pre-school. dance lessons, art lessons and various structured activities. For a moment I feel bad for Piccolina...like she should have more....like I should buy her more....we should do more.

In the past few months she has taken to doing something that absolutely makes me cry with joy. She does it a few times a day and the joyous effect it has on me never diminishes.

She often stops what she is doing and with a face contorted by too-big of a smile she exclaims, "Mamma, I'm so happy.", and gives me a big hug. And I know I'm doing something right.

She did this yesterday as I was folding laundry and she was coloring (with a pen on blank paper).

Just wait until I give her a paper towel and let her clean the baseboards!

________________________________________________________________________

Tomorrow I will post the resolution to my III-part series "Passive Aggressive Co-worker".

Passive Agressive Co-worker-Part 2- I'm calling you on it

2009-03-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

So after a few attempts to get my colleague to really talk about what was bothering him, I was not successful. I decided to get a little more aggressive. Clearly he was not talking about the LAPD SWAT team. He was indirectly registering a concern about the way our committee was going but was not saying it.....just alluding to it in convoluted, ineffective, and oblique ways which I also found insulting (both becasue of the content of what he was implying and the fact that he was claiming no agenda but clearly had one.)

In his last e-mail he claimed he thought it was important to see all sides of an issue and that he had no hidden agenda. Ok, fine. Let's examine the content of the articles and your e-mail and see if it matches your claims.
____________________________________________________________________________

me:

But the articles you sent were incredibly one sided. They did not give all sides of the issue. They were the usual, logically-flawed arguments that we always hear from organizations when they don't want to be transparent, don't want to consider different ways of doing things, and are asked to change to meet the needs of their community. A very complex, controversial issue was simply dismissed as PC run amok without examining the opportunities for improvement. In this case there seems to be a ferocious unwillingness to reflect and examine current practice. I did not see an examination of the issues. I'm unclear what I was intended to take away from the articles.

You also included your concerns about becoming so involved in diversity and inclusion that we loose sight of the mission of community colleges (workforce development). So I can't say I'm convinced by the claim of no agenda. While workforce development is an important part of the mission it is certainly not the entirety of that mission. Furthermore, diversity and inclusiveness are important parts of workforce development in many ways (it's important to access and retention plus the ability to work with diverse people is an important skill in the workforce).

I'll put it as plainly, openly and compassionately as possible: I think you were either 1) trying to goad me, 2) trying to infuse something into the dialogue that you see missing. 3) a little of both.

I am happy to take the time to re-examine the way we were doing things and the direction in which we are traveling if there is earnest and genuine concern that we are not moving in a positive direction.

I have always appreciated your honesty and willingness to state your opinion. I hope you can appreciate that same level of honesty and plain-spoken opinion.

_______________________________________________________________________

With sweaty palms and adrenalin racing through my body, I hit send.

Passive Agressive Co-worker

2009-03-18T16:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not posting or commenting or reading for that matter. I have been away at yet another conference. Just rolled into town and straight to work this afternoon. I will be catching up on my reading in the coming days.

I want to tell you another e-mail story about speaking ones mind but keeping it collegiate. I may have to break this up into a few posts.

Background: I have been leading a committee at work which I will call "the Committee" for the purposes of this story. The goal of the committee is to increase equity and inclusiveness on campus. We have been meeting for years and have often attracted someone who I don't think of as very progressive or devoted to these issues although whom I respect as a person. We are just have different political views. All of us on the committee were happy he attended and that he felt comfortable expressing his views even if they did not agree with ours. We try to include all voices as long as they are professionally and honestly expressed. We understand that everyone is in a different place on their "journey" and we want to encourage personal development.

However, I sometimes felt that his presence there was not completely in earnest. At times he seemed to want to upset people by harping on the same points that we have already gone over. (For the love of GOD we are not talking about quotas! I know you are talking from your experience but that was over 20 years ago. Please join us in this century.)

One day I get an e-mail asking me to read these two articles. You can read them if you wish but I shall summarize for those who do not wish to read them. Both articles were critical of the LAPD's effort the change the SWAT units. After a incredibly awful tragedy a commission was convened and made recommendations for change that many other SWAT units across the country have already made. The articles were one sided and critical of what they termed "PC". I found them to be inflammatory and insulting. The content was not fair or even good journalism. Additionally, he sent this to me. So he felt I needed to hear this message...perhaps he felt I was being too PC.

His e-mail read:

Subject: Food for Thought
Read these two articles. One is about the changes made at LAPD SWAT after a 2005 incident.

The second one is an op-ed piece concerning those changes.

Obviously, this is not an academic setting, but the real world. My concern is that we are going to get so wrapped up in diversity and inclusiveness that we are going to lose sight of the mission of community colleges and that is to train and educate California's workforce.

We need to make sure that we are not inflating our students expectations that everyone can do anything' like the abysmal "self-esteem" movement in the late 1980s. All that did was make students feel good about not being able to spell or add.

Include everyone that wants to be included, but don't lose sight of the institutions that have helped everyone that have used them to achieve to their potential.
______________________________________________________________________________________

I almost, almost just ignored it. I mean, I was PISSED and in frame of mind where I could really go off on him. But I waited a day then responded. I decided to try engage him instead of stomp on him.

_________________________________________________________________________________

me: I'm interested in why you sent this to me. (showing restraint and trying ot open a dialogue)

Him: Just for information. (Clearly dodging the question)

Me: Really? Because it seems like you are trying to tell me something. It's not just information but information you thought I needed. So, I'm sensing there is something you'd to air. (I'm totally calling you out).

Him: Nope. I think its important to see all sides of something and this came up so I sent it along. No hidden agendas.
____________________________________________________________________

I was pissed becasue he is clearly not going to own his agenda. If you are going to send me this shit then own it, man. If you are goign to call me PC then don't try to hide behind some poorly written editorial. We are colleagues and this shit is just not professional not do I wish to hold the hand of someone who is going to turn around and make veiled accusations.

In my next post I will share my response and how I (finally) got him to say what was on his mind.

Put up or Shut up

2009-03-11T12:01:00.000-07:00

Remaining a engaged member of the Catholic is hard especially when I disagree with many stances of the Church. Many people in my position simply quit. I have chosen to stay and try to make change from within...even if it's just my own little parish. It's about maintaining my personal integrity without throwing the baby out with the bathwater. In doing so I must stay true to what I think is ethical. That puts me at odds with people in my parish....people I would like to consider friends (or maybe just good acquaintances).

Yesterday I received the following e-mail from someone (let's call her Jane) in one of the ministries at my Church:

For the next two weekends we will be manning tables for parishioners to sign
petitions for Freedom of Choice Act----FOCA S1173---we will need help at all 5
Masses for the next two weekends. Please let me know if you will be available
to help before or after Mass and what time would you prefer----.Let me know if
you have any questions

So I looked up FOCA. FOCA declares that it is the policy of the United States that every woman has the “fundamental right” to terminate a pregnancy. The act prohibits government at every level (federal, state and local) from “interfering” with a woman’s right to choose and from “discriminating” against the exercise of this right.

I wrote back:

Hi Jane,

I'm confused. This would be a petition in support of the act or against?

Hope you are doing well,

Peeveme

_____________________________________________________________

Jane:

Hi Peeveme-----FOCA S-1173 is basically a
pro-choice stance----we will be signing the petitions against
FOCA-----hope all is going well with you and the family---your daughter
must be around 2 1/2 by now or pretty soon.

_________________________________________________________

Me:

Thanks for the clarification. I thought it was strange for the parish
to be supporting a pro-choice bill.

I'm sorry but I wont be able to help since I am pro-choice. It is
hard to be Catholic when I disagree with many stances of the Church.
However, I also am proud of many stances the Church takes so I do the
best I can while remaining a member. Of course, I have had to give up
taking Communion out of respect for the Church.

_______________________________________________________________

Jane:

I also have mixed feelings on the abortion stance----but I also admire the Vatican's moral clarity--- they are certainly not wishy-washee when it comes to what they believe----and I very much support that---however, I have to do what I feel in my heart is right. Since I became a Catholic six years ago---I have never missed communion---to me it is the center and main focus of our faith---I always ask myself---would Jesus approve of partaking of the Last Supper---and I think He would

Me:

I am enjoying this exchange especially since I have done a lot of research, prayer and soul searching this year about my faith as I was deciding if I wanted to get confirmed or leave the Church all together. I have many issues with the stances of the Church but, like you, I also admire it's "moral clarity" as you eloquently put it.

I have always taken communion without much thought (like many life-long Catholics....I think those raised in the Church just "do" things without understanding the reasons or ramifications). I think you (having recently become Catholic) and I (who recently got confirmed) came to our faith as adults with a maturity and ability to think critically.

Since the Church requires someone to be in full "Communion" with the Church (must support the position of the Vatican) I felt it was wrong for me to participate since, in my heart, I was not in full communion. While I feel left out of a important part of the Catholic Community I feel it would be disrespectful to hold the beliefs that I do (especially since I am vocal about it) and still participate. So yes, it is a sacrifice to not take communion. I do so out of respect (and a wee bit of protest...but mostly respect). But everyone must make their own decisions about these things. That's one of the better things about the Catholic Church. It's ok to use one's own judgment.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Frankly, it's easier to just say nothing. But I am committed to being vocal about my opposition while trying to be respectful of the beliefs of others. Usually I verbally eviscerate, argue, berate. Not the best way to make friends or foster a dialogue.

Anyhow I thought it might be interesting to document both how I am trying to create change or at least reflection while working on my own tendency to be very argumentative and alienate people (because, damn it, I'm right!).

Cure is worse than the Disease

2009-03-10T10:38:00.000-07:00

One of the on-line pregnancy calendars recommends using an ice-pack on hemorrhoids. Really? Anyone ever try that?

Didn't see that coming

2009-03-04T09:57:00.000-08:00

Crap. The person I just hired in Dec just quit. To tell the truth it was not working out that well and I was staring to regret my decision. She was the most contentious and mature candidate but she had been missing work left and right. I passed on candidates with more relevant training becasue she had the critical thinking skills that can not be taught. I could teach someone how to run the survey software, SPSS, do queries to get the data. I made an unconventional decision because I thought in the long run it would pay off.

Turns out she doesn't like the work. Hey, I understand. I have a PH.D. and I find some of the things I have to do mind blowingly beneath my pay scale. But isn't that what a job is all about? Some things are fun and challenging, others are things one just trudges through. She wants to feel like she's doing something she likes. On some level I can understand that especially if you are going to take time away from family (she has two little boys) you better feel it's worth it. I don't think they need the money....she was just dipping her toe back into the labor pool after being a SAHM.

So I get it and am not mad at her but on another level I think: for a part-time job where you get paid $30/hr and set your own hours I would not care what the work was especially in this economy.

So I'm a bit screwed. It takes about 2 months to get someone hired here. The HR process requires paper work to go to the Board of Trustees before someone can start working. They only approve once a month and the paperwork deadline to get on the agenda is 3 weeks before the meeting. So you have to offer someone the job, get all the paperwork in, and then tell them....see you 4-8 weeks when you can start working. It sucks. I need to have someone totally up an running independently running by May/June because I am going to be away on maternity leave.

Fuck me. I put out a offer to one of the candidates I interviewed in November hoping she's still interested. If not I have to go through a whole search process again...which extends the time line considerably.

It's Lent again but I'm not complaning

2009-03-02T11:18:00.000-08:00

I appears that Lent has, once again, snuck up on me. For non-Catholics, Lent is the period of time beginning with Ash Wednesday continuing through Easter when Catholics focus on penance and charity. Usually it takes the form of giving something up (like chocolate, TV ect).

Now, I'm not a good Catholic and have not been very observant. I am making an effort to do that, not for reasons of faith but for reasons of leading a meaningful life. A few years ago I started to observe Lent. The first year I gave up swearing. I actually did a good job with that but I felt I needed to do something a little deeper and life affirming.

This year will be my THIRD year attempting (note: I have not been remotely successful) to give up complaining. The first year I was in the middle of dealing with infertility, being a custodial step-mom to a teenager and generally hating the grating sound of my own voice (both out load and in my head). So I decided to give up complaining. I wanted to be more mindful of how I communicated with co-workers, friends and family. I wanted to focus on the positive. I wanted to reflect instead of react. I didn't do so hot but I did try. At least I become more conscious of how often I complained and, every so often, stopped myself.

Year 2 I decide I needed to start a blog so I could get out all my complaining on line. I did not start the blog until after Lent....which should tell you that a failed miserably at not complaining in real life.

So here I am, Year 3 with the same goal of not complaining. It's hard. I do it so often and without thought. I can hardly recognize when I'm doing it. It has become my primary method of communication.

Seriously, when I am being good at not complaining I have a hard time coming up with anything to say.

I mean, if my step-son, who made a cross country move (against our wishes) just 6 months ago, is now needing to BORROW money for him to MOVE BACK in with us? Is that complaining or a statement of fact?

Also, I find I will complain but use a pleasant tone so it does not sound like complaining. But is that cheating? I think it is.

I find it really sad and scary that if I am not complaining I have nothing to say. Yea, I'm a joy. Can't imagine why I am not invited to more parties or lunches.

I imagine I will be blogging more complaints. More likely I will blog about struggling with not complaining. I'm off to a bad start. Just yesterday I told Mr. Peeveme as we were making our weekly grocery list and planning a weeks worth of dinners (a weekly torture ritual), "I fucking hate dinner. I hate the whole thing, the list making, the shopping, the cooking, the cleaning. I feel it sucks my life away." Surprisingly he didn't respond in a loving, compassionate manner. In fact, we had a micro spat which left us both feeling like shit all becasue 1) I blurted out something that could have been said in a better way or 2) didn't need to be said at all.

That's the real reason behind this. I have a great husband and beautiful little girl. We make dinner together every night. It's nice family time. If I could focus on that I might not mind all the work. Or maybe I would still mind it but not as much and my DH certainly doesn't have to know that I hate something that we share and that is an important part of his culture and upbringing.

My work has provided me with the privilege of some leadership training that might help me in my quest to shut my whiny trap. It's called Bio-Reaction and I will post a bit about that in the days to come.

Also, Lent is about Charity. I have been meaning to do something for months. This Lent I will go ahead and make the effort even though I am broke, overwhelmed with my own little life, and it makes me feel uncomfortable (being socially retarded and all).

WARNING: Social Justice interruption

I really dislike that word: Charity. Charity is something well-off people do to make themselves feel better...it's not a cure for social ills. Additionally, it has the effect of making us feel like we are off the hook for creating true social justice. Charity, is fine as long as it's understood that is not all we should be doing. True social change is the goal. Volunteering at Food Harvest is wonderful and the people who need the food are grateful but what does that do to change the fact that there are people who do not have enough to eat? What about livable wage, health care, affordable housing? Charity is a band aid on social ills. Charity is a salve for the conscience of the masses. It is not changing the underlying inequities that cause the needs for charity.

OK Social justice rant over

The Muffler

2009-02-25T12:34:00.000-08:00

Gas is a fact of life. When you are pregnant it is the bane of your existence. It's not just the increased volume and velocity....it's the resonance.

I used to think, "Oh come on! If you really wanted to you could control it". And I was determined not to be one of "those" women who loudly pass gas and blame it on being pregnant. You have a sphincter, use it.

And then, one day at about 20 weeks pregnant, to my horror, I found myself farting involuntarily and very audibly as I walked around T.arget.

I devoted a lot of thought to my new cacophonous state. Maybe I had gotten fat enough that the increased volume of my butt cheeks was creating additional reverberation. After conducting an experiment to test my hypothesis I had to reject it (you don't want to know but perhaps you can imagine). Still noisy. My current and leading theory is increased volume coupled with an ineffective sphincter due to the relaxin is the cause of the audible flatulence. I have yet to determine a proper methodology for a research protocol.

As you know I have been at two conferences in the past two weeks. That's a lot of peeing in public bathrooms right next to colleagues and newly acquired professional acquaintances (who I might like to work for some day). I'm not squeamish about someone hearing me pee. I can hear them too. However, the audible gas is totally embarrassing but what's a gal, who has lost her ability to pass them silently, to do?

I am here to share with you my solution. I call it: The Muffler. Some people may think this TMI but I feel it's a public service especially for the pregnant, sphincter impaired or just plane gassy. The muffler is a simple device made of balled up toilet paper. A puff of toilet paper held firmly against the anal sphincter will muffle, if not completely silence, most gas. I have no idea if I invented this or if other people do it (although I can tell you from experience that not everyone knows how to do this...and they should).

And the muffler is not just good for public bathrooms. How many times have you been in a bathroom in someone's home say, at a party, where the walls were a little thin and people were just outside? It works in that situation as well.

I just wish I could find a solution for when I'm walking around T.arget.

Traveling, Missing My little Girl and I'm Really PregnanL

2009-02-20T14:28:00.000-08:00

I just got back last night from San Diego. Since Piccolina is at her grandparent's house and Mr. Peeveme was at late meeting I did not see them. I did see Mr. Peeveme this morning. Tonight we are going to pick up our little girl. Not seeing her since Tuesday is hard. I miss her so much but I am glad I have in-laws who will take just as good of care (probably better) of her as we would and she loves them and never once cries for us. It's much harder on me than it is on her.

I leave again on Sunday morning. Destination: Tempe, AZ. Return on Tuesday night. So my posting and commenting will again be sparse-but I will read when my i.phone allows.

I shall miss my little girl (and feel like a terrible mother).

When I return I have my level 2 u/s. I can't believe it's time to find out gender. It seems too early. I'm not ready to start thinking about all the concrete stuff like names, day care, setting up for a new baby. I'm still trying to accept that I am really pregnant.

Karma market

2009-02-18T15:49:00.000-08:00

Like many of you I don't think karma is a win- sum game and I don't do good thinks for some type of future reward. Being kind or generous is it's own reward. It has to be. I mean $3 for a kidney? Is karma that cheap?

Nice Karma Story

2009-02-17T12:14:00.001-08:00

My apologies for not reading or commenting. I will be out of town most of this week and then most of next week as well. I will try to keep up on my reading but commenting will be little to none.

A few commenters to my last post mentioned getting paid back for doing something nice via the universe. I wonder if I already had my good stuff and now I am paying back with nice deeds. Or maybe the woman who hit my car is really great and this is her payback? It's a chicken and egg thing.

It got me think about something that happened years ago. I love this story so I thought I'd share. I also think it's a nice post to leave up since I most likely wont be posting for a few days

I was standing in line at the supermarket. I was behind a lady who had exactly two items in her basket: Advil, Maxi-pads. She was in sweat pants, no make-up, and looked tried. When the cashier rang up her items she was short. Like really short. Not .50 cents short ..more like 3 dollars short. I see her looking at her items, then her money (for some reason she didn't have a wallet...just cash). I could tell she was trying to decide which one to put back. To me, both items seemed pretty important so I handed her a few bucks and told her it was on me. I couldn't stand by and make a women choose between relief and sanitation.

After paying for her items she told me:

"Thank you again. I just gave a kidney to my sister. I guess it's true what they say about karma."

No Worse for the Wear (Maybe even Better)

2009-02-11T15:57:00.001-08:00

I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when I got a call from our Security Department. Someone had hit my car in the parking lot. In fact, they said it was a "hit n' run". "Fuck me", I said as I put on my coat and borrowed an umbrella to go check out the damage. The last thing we need right now is a car repair bill since we are teetering on the financial brink right now.

I arrive at the scene of the crime and ask the Security Office, "Who hits a parked car?" I then realized that the driver was standing there (so much for hit n' run or maybe they came back....I never did find out). She was in tears. I felt like shit for compounding how stupid she probably felt.

I inspect the damage. Scratches, no dents. Some will probably rub out but my driver's side bumper is noticeably scratched. My car is 3 years old which is brand new to me. I drive cars until they fall apart and then I get a roll of duct tape and keep on driving. Mr. Peeveme's car has about 200K on it. Mt last car was well over 140K, then we let me step son drive it and now we have lent it to my brother who has fallen on hard times. So while I'm not a slave to car-imagine I do try to keep my car nice because I will be driving it forever.

After inspecting the damage I look at the woman who hit me. She also hit the car next to me and that bumper was dented and really scratched. She was shaking and she was pushing back tears. She's saying how sorry she is in accented English. And I realize she is having a really bad day...perhaps the worst day of her year. I know I would be upset if I damaged two cars. I realized she needed a break.

I announce that it's not that bad and I don't need to fix it and didn't need to pursue it. She thanked me repeatedly. She was so anxious and practically distraught. I ended up trying to comfort her: It can happen to anyone, I'd be upset too but in the long run it's not a big deal, You seem really upset, is there anything I can do for you?". I think I even gave her a little hug.

I called Mr. Peevme and he was not mad but not happy. What if the damage is worse than I think? He also thought that if the other car was going to put in a claim then it wouldn't really make it worse to get our car fixed. I just asked him how many times we keep saying that we never get a break? Why can't thing just be easier for us? Well I just made someone's life easier and it didn't cost me a thing...not really.

I guess I am especially sensitive since our financial status is extremely bad and man, would I love someone to give me a break. And suddenly I was in that power position. I could give her a break...or I could make her fix minor cosmetic damage on my car. I was the person who could make this awful day for her a little less bad.

I hope when I see those scratches I will be reminded to look for opportunities to be THAT person. The one who makes life easier.

What not to Write to Your Boss

2009-02-10T11:17:00.000-08:00

I got nothing. Nothing to blog about. I found this little note in my files and decided to post it becasue again....I got nothing.

It was bosses day and I had told my boss I didn't get her a card becasue I was not kiss-ass. Well, lo and behold one the Administrative Assistants pick-up and extra card for me to give to my new boss. Of course, my boss would know that I didn't actually have the forethought to get a card (sine I had just told her that I did not get her one) and that this was the work of a quick thinking Admin Assistant. I knew "looking bad" was in my future. So in my usual blurter-style I composed to following:

BTW: My new boss is AWESOME. I have been meaning to post about how great work has been (from a boss stand-point, co-workers can be another story).

_______________________________________________________________

Apparently I did get you a card for Boss' Day. (Note to self: get a card for a certain someone on Secretary’s Day. Also, find out when Secretary’s Day is.) Lest you think this a hollow, obligatory and not heart-felt gesture let me remind you about the Oatmeal this morning. That’s love, right there. (Her oatmeal exploded in the microwave that morning and I cleaned it up for her since she was rushing off to a meeting)

All kidding aside, I am very excited about the future since you have come to LPC and into my life. I find myself anxious to come to work and sometimes wanting to stay longer at night because I am working on some project where I have been trusted to challenge myself and the College to do something new, better and meaningful.

As a non-tangible gift I am enclosing the following quote. Compassion has been a theme for me this year. It’s not something that comes naturally to me and I find it hard to accept from others so these words have been a guiding force for me. I know how you love quotes.

There are times when a little compassion goes a long way. The key is discerning when you need it and when you need to give it. Those two different occasions often feel the same.

Peeveme, worker-bee, visionary

Parting Thought

2009-02-06T15:16:00.000-08:00

A few of the blogs I love to read have posted something about this alarming and moronic article.

I wont be arguing her point because she doesn't have one. It's illogical to the extreme. I can't even begin to dissect all the medical, logical and ethical fallacies involved.

My only commentary is as follows:

I have written posts about crapping myself that have more intellect, compassion and accuracy.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Lying About my Age

2009-02-05T12:54:00.000-08:00

I lie about my age but not in the way most women do. I make myself older. Here's why. I'm 38. If I tell people I'm 29 then they may think I look a bit rough for a 29 year-old. But if I say I'm 40 then they all think I look GREAT! I'd rather people think I look young for my age than old for my age.

I try not to get too caught up in the youth worship. I think every age has it's draw backs and perks and purposes. My 20's were all about accomplishment and identity. My 30's have been about building career and family. I have spent to past 20 yeas just working my ass off trying to create the necessary circumstances for a good life as I define it (satisfying career, good marriage, children, community, culture). In my 40's I hope I can start to enjoy the fruits of all that work. I don't think I am "done" working on career, marriage, family, community and culture but the foundations have been laid. It's time I started to enjoy my life instead of just trying to build my life.

I want my 40's to be about reflection, correction, recreation and fruition. Where have I been? Am I happy with where I am and where I am going? What do I need to change? Am I taking the time to enjoy all that I have? How can I have more fun? I still have a year or so before I'm actually in my 40's but I take a while to come around and change gears.

I'm someone who gets caught up in the details and to-do lists. I run on stress and anxiety. My parents ran on stress and anxiety and while that has certainly gotten me pretty far in life I don't have much fun. I never rest or enjoy life. I just work. I always feel like I am behind where I could be or should be. My house isn't clean enough, my resume doesn't have enough honors, I should gain this or that skill set, I should have had three kids by now. I do love learning, accomplishment and being challenged but I'm always striving; never satisfied. I tell myself that accomplishment = happiness. And while it's certainly satisfying it's not happiness. Perhaps I have been lying to myself. Maybe with increased maturity I can be a little softer. I can be a little kinder to myself and others.

Fun and enjoyment do not come naturally to me. Recreation and begin social actually make me uncomfortable. Funny, out of all my accomplishments in life having fun and enjoying myself may be my biggest challenge.

All you fun and social people out there...how do you do it? What are your secrets? How do you find the time? Is is just natural and can't be learned?

How do you "enjoy" your life. Is it just a state of mind? Am I over thinking this?

And the next time you are asked your age add on a few years and let people tell you how great you look. I promise, it feels nice.

Are You Ready for Some Bitching?

2009-02-04T08:43:00.000-08:00

Good Lord. When will I learn? Why do I go to these "suggested" classes? When will I realize that I am far too annoyed by clueless fertile people to be able to sit through their oblivious banter?

This was a course on "having another baby". The leader is the same women who lead all the Hospital courses when I was pregnant with Piccolina and neither DH nor I can stand her. First, her presentations have exactly 4% information and 96% long stories. And, since my time is valuable I can not bear taking two hours to do something that should take 1/2. Drives me bonkers.

But the most annoying part is that during all those long stories she tries to be funny and fails miserably. And the she laughs and laughs at her own jokes. The first time I took her class I thought I must be on some hidden camera show or something because this shit couldn't be real. I got to know her in a different context when I was in a mommy and baby class while I was on maternity leave. She's actually a really nice woman but when she's "on" it's a like fingers on a chalk board. I just can't take her schtik.

So there was that.

But then we get to the "let the moms visit with each other" phase of this multi-tiered torture event. Lordy. Of course, nobody had any trouble getting pregnant. They are all having a 2nd or 3rd child right on cue. Now, I'm already sort of agitated and then I'm thrown in with a bunch of folks who have no idea how amazing all this is. No idea how precarious all this is. No idea that babies don't just fall into your lap whenever you want (at least not for everyone).

I tried, I really did, to be on my best behavior but I can only fight my nature so much. Let's recap shall we?

Fertile #1. I shall call her the "Oprah" becasue she insisted on being our "Leader". I know we all love Oprah on the show but you just know that she never lets anyone else pick the restaurant and always takes shotgun. Anyhow, "Oprah" spoke first and then called on people. WTF? And then commented on each person's response. That's like a 2 to 1 talking/listening ratio. Fact about me: When I see someone doing that I immediately begin to challenge them for the "leadership" position. Not becasue I think I'm better but because I hate when people assume they get to call the shots. Who elected you Mayor? Just a little group-dynamic thing I have going on. Hey Oprah, there are 5 others here. 5 people are certainly able to share their stories without a facilitator. She's on her 3rd child. Her first is 15. Second is 5. She's 33 and talking about how different it is being an "older" mom. 33 as "older". Yea honey, you can kiss my 38-year old- dimpled ass. Since she has a teenager she's all things expert on sibling dynamics which might have been relevant if someone else in the group actually had a teenager (which no one did).

Oh, I almost forgot the best part. She announced that this would be her last pregnancy because after this child they were going to adopt. She's going to be just like Angelina Jolie. I'm not shitting you. She used those words. I bit my tongue hard. I very much wanted to, but did not, proceed to pepper her with questions designed to point out how stupid that flippant comment was. Really? Adoption huh? Domestic or international? What agencies are you considering? What county? Any thoughts on the home study? Do you have any mental illness, obesity or any other things that many countries screen for? Wow, can you or your husband spend to require 3 weeks to 6 month required by most countries? What is your definition of an ethical adoption? And the million other things one must consider about adoption that I have learned from my bloggy friends who are currently or have been down that path. Not that I know everything about adoption but I know enough to know that I don't know jack.

But by all means..."just" adopt.

Fertile #2 Was just not my cup of tea. I shall call her "Me, Me, ME!". She is also on her 3rd child (ages 4 and 2). She got all wistful that this will be her last. Whatever. Cry me a river, egg dropper. She was all kinds of whiny about how you don't get to bring in your family until the last 10 mins. during the Level 2 u/s. I know I'm talking out of a place of fear...and I own that (sarcasm) but for me and other people who have had a m/c, who have lost a baby, are mothers of advanced age, I'm just hoping to see that my baby has a brain or that it's kidneys are on the inside of his body. The technician is a professional who is trying to do their job and by all means I want them to be able to focus and do it well. My gleeful shits and giggles are a secondary concern as are the gleeful shits and giggles of my DH, my toddlers, my MIL, and my cleaning lady.

I, gently as possible, reminded her that this is an important medical screening exam. The technician has dozens of measurements to take on a squirming fetus and that the health of the baby was the primary reason for the u/s not gender identification or a family reunion. Ok I said it slightly nicer than that (maybe).

She was also annoyed by the fact that the hospital has you bring in a urine sample for your appointments. She wants to just do it there at the appointment. I pointed out that if everyone did that it would extend the amount of time needed for each appointment. As it is Dr. s only have a few mins to get from patient to patient. I'd rather carry around some urine than have to wait even longer for my appointment. Her response, "Whatever. It's stupid". And then we exchanged e-mails. (JK)

Sohelpme if I see her in the waiting room and she isn't carrying a vial of pee.....

Let's see. Who else? There was "Tonya Harding" A teaching who told her whole 4th grade glass she was pregnant at 8 weeks. WTF?

There was PYT (Pretty-Young-Thing) who was 6 weeks (she thinks). I will never get used to people not knowing. I know to the day and hour like any self-respecting infertile does.

And last but not least was "Laura Dern". She was 16 weeks and seemed very nice. Actually, the only annoying thing about her was that she did not provide me with ANY ammunition for making fun of her. And that's saying something becasue I'm merciless.

And so concludes my compliance with these suggested courses. I'm sure all the people I would have met would be relieved if they only knew how close they came to being skewered in my blog.

There was one woman who was not in my small group that has been on my mind. She's young...probably 20-ish. Each participant introduced themselves, the number of weeks pregnant they are and how old their other children are. She said she was 10 weeks pregnant and her son was 7 months and she was fighting back tears. And I just wanted to hug her. While I have little patience for clueless infertiles I have a huge amount of empathy for the over fertile. She was clearly overwhelmed. For some reason I wanted to reach out. Since we were in different small groups and I had to leave early I didn't get a chance to. I'm not sure what I would have said or done. Maybe just a kind, reassuring word. Maybe give her my card? I don't know what form it would have taken but I regret I didn't have (or make) the chance. It's not often I get a surge of compassion especially for someone who is pregnant and doesn't want to be. There was just something in her voice, her demeanor that spoke to me. I wish I had just reached out. I dislike that I did nothing. Everyone does nothing. Few people have the courage and compassion to act. I try to be the kind to act. This time I let a chance slip away.

A Condition So Rare it's Name Must Not Be Spoken (because it does not have one)

2009-02-03T10:56:00.000-08:00

I have learned that there is no real medical name for this condition. It's that rare.

The current plan is for me to keep my bladder empty and keep doing the "position". In a few weeks the uterus should grow enough so that it will pass that place on the spine where it's getting struck. I'm sore today. All that pulling and stretching of the cervix and uterus. My bladder feels a bit angry as well.

Next time I can't pee (if there is a next time) I get the catheter which they will leave in.

All in all I am feeling grateful. I am pregnant. There is no danger to the baby. None to me other than discomfort which, as far as I am concerned, pretty-much describes pregnancy.

And Tonya, they did not test me for UTI. I am watching out for it since it think a catheter could certainly cause one. I have an appointment tomorrow. Maybe I will ask them to test me for one. Just in case.

On Monday morning before I went to the DR. I was in agony. Since Mr. Peeveme is out of town I was trying to get my 2 year old ready for the day which usually requires a bit a coxing. She's two. Doesn't want to change her clothes. Doesn't want purple pants..not wait....only wants purple pants after being presented with brown pants ect.

I was telling her, "Mama feels bad. Mama has to go to the Dr. The Dr. has to help mama and baby. Please be good. Mama is sick and needs to go with baby to the Dr."

I didn't really think she could understand all that I was saying. I know she understands when I say I feel bad or sick but I didn't think she understood about going to the Dr.

While we were driving she asked me, "Mama? Baby gonna make it?" My heart soared and sank at the same time. Soared becasue she had empathy for the baby. Sank becasue I worried her. So I assured her that baby was fine. Mama was fine. We just needed some medicine (we call everything medicine including my doppler).

Yesterday I got to see the baby on the u/s. It was brief and I didn't get a print-out (we had other concerns at the time). But I got to see him/her. It's a real baby. It was moving, putting it's hands in it's mouth, rolling over. I know I have done this before but seeing this was no less exciting or awe inspiring than the first time with Piccolina. A few weeks ago it was just a little blob now it's so real.

I really needed to see him/her. I have been feeling somewhat detached lately. I have been all kinds of worried about my detachment (A post is brewing, it's just too chaotic right now...it will take form at some point). I needed to see a baby. Not an embryo, not a schedule, not a pack of BCP. After all the medicine and minutia it took to get here it's easy to forget what the goal looks like. It looks beautiful.

Surgery or Pee bag? What would you do about a Stuck Uterus* With update

2009-02-02T11:51:00.001-08:00

Ok I need you thoughts/experiences/internet research/2 bit opinions.

Let me start by saying baby is fine. I am fine. Everyone is fine. Nobody's life is in danger. I just have some rare condition that presents itself at this stage of gestation and I need to fix it ASAP. Stuck Uterus.

Starting last Thursday (today is Monday) I began to notice I was having trouble peeing. I'd have to go...felt a big bladder but just couldn't pee. Not every time. I would pee later but it took a lot of pushing and concentration. I noticed I felt like I had to pee a lot more often and then not a lot would come out. Sometimes nothing would come out. I thought I was developing a UTI and decided I'd would call on Monday and get the meds to fix it. I increased my water intake so that I would be flushing out my bladder and reducing the amount of bacteria in there.

But I was missing one symptom of UTI. It didn't burn or hurt to pee.

Last night I was really uncomfortable. My belly was distended but no pee. I was up at least 10-12 times last night. Never a pee. Just a belly getting bigger and bigger. I was in agony. Not real "pain" but that feeling of having to pee and that your bladder is going to blow. So not pain but certainly agony. I stopped drinking water because I realized that I was putting it in but none was coming out; making my discomfort worse.

I got a urgent appointment this morning. They finally decided to catheterize me. Never in my life did I think I would say the words "For God's sake could somebody please catheterize me already!?" The Dr. and nurse kept saying , "Oh my God, You poor thing. I can't believe you weren't writhing in pain". Which I was when I was alone. I don't writhe in public. Of course, I started crying during the catheter becasue I was so relieved. They had to get a second receptacle I had so much pee. Over a liter which, I guess, is a lot of pee.

Ok so the immediate problem is solved. My bladder is empty. That should help for a few hours.

I have a retrograde uterus. It falls back (towards my back) instead of front. In rare cases as the uterus grows it can get caught on the spine. Mine is really stuck and it's closed off my urethra. When my bladder is full it pushes the uterus even further back into the spine.

Dr A is awesome. She tried and tried but could not get it to flip (not a pleasant procedure BTW). At one point I was on my knees with her had up my nether regions. What a trooper.

She thinks she mights have gotten it but if not sure. It feels "looser" but the uterus is still really tipped back.

We are taking the wait and see plan. I drink. If I pee it's probably going to be fine. If I do not pee by 3pm I go back there and get another catheter.

Then have to decide and here is where I need your opinions.

Option A (Standard Care): Epidural and manual manipulation (fingers up the who-ha). Much like I already had three times today but I would be numb so they could try harder.

Option B (Experimental Care) Have a catheter for a few days (i.e. walk around with a bag of pee strapped to my leg). Twice a day get on my knees, put, my shoulders to the ground and let gravity do it's thing. I also get to wiggle and rock in the position for 15 mins. If it doesn't work I still have Option A.

At this point I am leaning towards Option A becasue I know it would be done with. I also don't see how I can live with a pee bag. How does one sleep, bath, give a presentations to the Board of Trustees (yea I have to do that on Tuesday night...it cannot be rescheduled and by state law this presentation must occur). But I have never had an epi so I'm not clear on how the recovery is or any risks to me (I'm pretty sure there is no risk to baby-right? Well, none from the epi...but what about the manual manipulation?) If Option A is unreasonably risky I will try Option B first.

While Option B is more conservative(which I am in favor of in general) there is no guarantee. I might need the epi anyhow.

I'm loath to take extra risks but three days of a pee bag with no guarantee...sheesh. Since mine seems to be "really stuck" that might mean the wiggle method has less of a chance of working. But I have no stats to go by. No experience (either mine or other people's).

Also, just to make things extra fun...Mr. Peeveme is out of town all week. I have in-laws ready to take Piccoliona for the week. My parents are warming up the minivan to come a take care of me if I have the surgery.

So, what would you do What would be your considerations. What are your experiences with epidurals? Have you had this? Do you know anyone who has?

Finger crossed that I pee!

______________________________________________________________

I peed! Unassisted! All by myself. At first it was hard but I'm getting better at it all the time. Dr. A. spoke with the other Dr.s (none of who have had more than a few cases of this in their careers). The consensus seems to be that if I can keep my bladder empty and do my exercises the uterus will grow to the front and it should be fine in a couple of weeks. If I do freeze up again they will catheterize me, teach me to do it to myself, and leave it in there. The Epi/hand manipulations will be left to the last resort. It seems that Dr. A turned the uterus just enough so that I can pee. Also, not having a bladder the size of a bolling ball probably helps. It still seems tilted but it may not be caught. If I keep my bladder empty it should not get caught again. If the bladder gets big it will push the uterus back into the spine.

Self-catheterizing sounds awful but if you are in agony you'll do anything to stop it. I swear to you I was in such agony this morning that if I had a hand mirror and some rubber tubing I WOULD have done it to myself.

And since Dr. A semi-turned my uterus I'm showing. Yesterday I was wearing my regular pants and not showing at all. Now I am am showing and fitting into my smaller maternity pants.

Thanks for all you kinds words, concern and thoughts on my dilemma. It does mean a lot to me that I can turn to you guys in a time of anxiety and for advice.

And a very special thank you to Danaly. I know you prefer to lurk so thanks for coming out of hiding. Those are really important questions I did not consider. I hope I don't need to ask them any time soon. They do say that once they do the procedure it does not go back. It should just flip forward into the proper position. But you never know. Weird things happen all the time.

Keeping my Integrity while Sending a Quiet Message

2009-01-29T13:15:00.001-08:00

As you well know I have been studying the Catholic Church. I went to Confirmation Classes, got Confirmed and I have been doing some reading of my own. The book I am using has been really helpful in understanding some of the basic tenants of the religion and providing context. I'm not reading the Bible. I find reading scripture without a sense of the historical and theological context a bit like jumping into the deep end of the pool when I don't know how to dog paddle. Without schima it would have no meaning for me.

I enjoy learning about how and why the four Gospels differ. I enjoy learning when the different translations of the bible were created. I enjoy learning about the different heretical movements. I'm glad I know the difference between the Catholic and Protestant Bibles.

There are some very basic things I did not know about my faith. Like not going to church every Sunday (Saturday night is also acceptable since the late 1980's) is a sin.

Last might I was reading about the Sacrament of The Holy Eucharist (Communion). Each time I got to Church I take Communion. I know, it's been ages since I went to confession but everyone else seems to do it and I'm pretty sure they were not at confessional the day before. I just did it because Catholics take Communion. Not much thought or consideration went into it.

I have learned that one must only take Communion if one is completely "in communion" with the Church meaning, if you disagree with any tenant of the faith you are not to take communion. The authors of the book used the example that if you are not anti-abortion then you should not be taking Communion. I'm glad they used an example that depicted me.

It got me to thinking. There are many stances the Church has that I do not agree with. In many instances I am proud of the positions taken by my Church: Charity, Poverty, anti-war, anti-death penalty. But there are many others that I do not and will not agree with: Reproductive rights, stem-cell research, their position on assisted reproductive technology, the re institution of those 4 Bishops who are Holocaust deniers, gay marriage.

I have decided that I will no longer take Communion. This is not a spiteful or resentful decision. It's simple. It's honest. It's out of respect but also out of integrity. I think it's an elegant solution. My reasons for not participating in the Sacrament of Holy Communion are as follows:

1) To do so would signal that I approve all the stances of the Church. I do not.

2) To do so would disrespect the Church and their rules. I believe the term is sacrilege.

3) To prove to myself and others that I can be part of the Church yet remain independent and true to my sense of ethics.

4) . Perhaps my small act will have a larger effect. I will be open as to why I do not take Communion and hope others will follow or at least examine their own beliefs and unthinking behaviors.

5) I want my children to understand that you can have disagreements, be it with the Church, a loved one, their government, and still continue the relationship.

Mr. Peeveme got all excited about this and was talking like I could start some international movement. I'm not sure I am up for that nor would I even know how but how powerful would it be if say, on some randomly chosen Sunday, every Catholic who did not approve of (pick an issue) simply did not take Communion?

I have said before that I am not a very faithful person. My choosing to be closer to my church is as much an intellectual journey as one of faith. In fact, I have a much more emotional connection to my Native religion. But I am on some sort of journey here. In learning about the Church I am learning about myself. I am making a purposeful, respectful, and principled statement by no longer participating in the Sacrament of Communion.

For me, it's all part of trying to live mindfully and meaningfully.

Don't hate me like a Duggar

2009-01-27T13:55:00.000-08:00

I'm going to do something that is almost guaranteed to loose me half my readership. Talk about my weight. I am thin. There, I said it. It's not like I have to work to keep weight on but I do not have to work to keep it off either. My goal had always been to be healthy...not skinny. I have not dipped below a BMI of 18. I eat pretty much what I want. I eat healthy most of the time but never think twice about indulging.

In my defense I earned this. I spent an entire decade (in my 20s') lifting weights and running everyday. I was into fitness and loved how hard work could transform my body. I was a chubby teenager with body-imagine issues (who wasn't?). I loved how being physical gave me so much energy and drive. It cleared my mind. And I was awesomely fit. Abs, sculpted arms and shoulders, I could wear a bikini without wrapping something around my waist. I earned that. I was stronger than many of the guys at the gym. I earned that, too. But is wasn't about looking good although that was a great side effect. I truly enjoyed working out. I enjoyed challenging myself. I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment when I was stronger, faster than I was the week before.

I have spent the past 10 years coasting off that work. In my 30's with a career, TTC, being a mom/wife I have not exercised regularly. And yet, I'm still pretty thin. I have the occasional spasm of good intention. I did some regular exercise after the birth of Piccolina (before I went back to work). I also did a few weeks of the push-up challenge before IVF #3. But nothing that I was able to sustain.

I wish I had the stamina and discipline to exercise regularly. And now that I'm pregnant there is not much I can do. Once I get some energy back I can walk, lift some light weights, maybe even check out some yoga DVD's. That's the plan.

Mostly, I don't want to eat like a pig the way I did with my 1st pregnancy. I gained at least 42 pounds. On a 5'3" frame that is a lot of weight. I probably gained more but I stopped counting the last week of the pregnancy after I gained 5 pounds in one week the week before.

I didn't just balloon up for no reason. I ate. And I ate crap. My sweet tooth during pregnancy is unbelievable. I'd have a half package of Oreos, a full pack of Now and Laters and then at night I'd eat handful after handful of Capt'n Crunch with Crunchberries. Plus regular meals. Ah, on I could not get enough hot dogs to save my life (I know those are a pregnancy "don't"). For someone who is pretty health-conscious I don't know how I let myself do all that. It's amazing that I did not get gestational diabetes. After the pregnancy I found out that I was borderline. I was a bit miffed that I kept getting the "all clear". I guess they just tell you when you are in the danger zone. But I don't want to just avoid danger. I want to be optimal.

I also need to take responsibility for my actions. I knew there was no way in hell I could eat popcorn and Red Vines for dinner and still be in optimal health.

It's really not about the weight for me. I do not freak out about gaining weight for pregnancy. I can understand how that can make a woman panicky but I do not have that issue. I just need to be healthier. Healthy weight gain during pregnancy is one thing. Mine was not healthy. I need to get back to a place where I have some self control and self discipline.

It's not like I look at picture of me from 10 years ago and want to be that person. I'm happier now. I think I am a better person now. What I do miss is being able to take up a challenge. I miss having that determination and follow-through. I know it's still in me. Somewhere.

I can feel myself getting sick of me. Being disappointing in me. I can feel the slide starting. It's time to nip it in the bud. I am not going to end up a few years down the line wondering where I went. Who the hell am I and how did I get myself into a place where I don't like or recognize myself? The worse thing in the world is to loose respect for yourself.

I think the external things (how much I weight, how my ass looks in a bathing suit) are just symptoms of the internal. I have drive. I have follow-through. I can meet a challenge. I can be mindful of how I live, what I put into my body and what kind of example I set for my family. If the internal is doing well the external will fall into place.

First order of business: I need to shop better so I have food with me that I can eat instead of running to the vending machine for a Three Musketeers bar (My goodness those things are tasty!) I'm better off eating some junk-food that I bring from home in pre-determined amounts rather than going to the bookstore and then seeing how many mint Milanos I can shove in my mouth in the 2 mins before my next meeting (7 by the way). Too bad the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating) does not have a mint Milano category. I'd be all over that!

So here it is. I am vowing to do better this time.

My goals for this week.

1) Exercise twice. Just twice for at least 10 mins. It can be anything and does not have to be strenuous.
2) Make it through the rest of the week without buying and eating any junk food from the vending machine or bookstore. I can eat junk food if I wish but never at the expense of an actual meal and the food must come from home.

Now that it's out on the internets I have to follow through.

Soap-Box

2009-01-27T11:29:00.000-08:00

This has me up in arms. Tell me I am not alone here. I'm like, 5 kinds of annoyed by this.

What does the general public think when they heard this? It's easy to have higher order- multiples? Fertility treatments do this to people? It just misinforms so many people on so many levels.

Media treatment of the story: It's all the "happy ending" crap. No real talk of the risks. No mention of all the other higher-order pregnancies that didn't make it. The fact that these are only the 2nd in history to be born alive should tell ya something about the level of risk. But no, let's just gloss over that.

No mention of how they got pregnant with multiples. Of course, we all assume it was ART but why not say so and what procedure? Not to be voyeuristic but because these are important factors that the public should understand.

Leads to judgment of people doing ART. Ok so 99% of the public will think this is due to IVF. When anyone with any knowledge of infertility realized it was probably an IUI. Again with misinformation. "Yes, I did IVF. No, I am not at risk of having 5 babies at once." I think it does lead to the general public having a bad impression of IVF. There have already been a few state attempts to restrict IVF practices. This type of irresponsible case prompts legislators to get on a high horse against legitimate IVF procedures and the general public to agree.

Medical malpractice. OK this is where I really hit the ceiling. What kind of Dr. goes ahead with an IUI when there are at least 8 mature follicles? He/She should have their license revoked. Unless you are proven to be a person with really low egg quality, going forward with more than 3 or 4 follicles is medically negligent. I realize I do not have all the information to say this. I'm just going on what is the most likely scenario because as stated above, they have not released any information on how the children were conceived. So I feel free to speculate.

Parental negligence #1: As a patient you have the responsibility to understand your treatment. You are no longer making decisions for yourself you are making them for your future children. And right off the bat you made a decision that puts your children at significant risk. Remember, only the 2nd in history to be born alive.

Parental Negligence #2: Ok here is where I get controversial but it's my blog so if you disagree go write your own post. I'm not pro-reduction. That silly. Nobody is pro-reduction but it has a legitimate medical purpose. If one is opposed to reduction then why on earth would you allow yourself to be inseminated with so many follicles? If you don't want a reduction then you should not put yourself in the position of carrying more children than is medically safe.

Effects how people think about reduction: There are woman who have chosen to reduce for various reasons. I imagine all of them were medically necessary and not done as a lark or becasue it was convenient. For each and every one of them it was an agonizing decision. I can imagine that this case makes their decision even harder. I can imagine a couple suddenly doubting their decision. I can imagine the general public judging people who choose reduction based on this one, statistically anomalous case.

I guess that is 8 kinds of annoyed. (I swear I didn't plan that...it's just how it turned out.

I think the RE (or OB) who got her pregnant and the parents themselves are the most at blame but I also blame the media for making this a feel-good story. Yes, they all survived the birth but I find the whole thing socially irresponsible. I realize that the parents have every right to make these decisions for themselves and are under no obligation to explain them to me or anyone else. But their actions have an impact beyond their own family.

Of course, I am happy for the parents and amazed at the Drs. who cared for her and delivered these babies. If I ever have a high risk pregnancy I know who to call. I'll be hoping those 8 tiny babies make it through the many, many hurdles they have ahead of them.

That, to me, is the most annoying thing about this story. It becomes a 30 second news story while these babies have a battle ahead of them. Perhaps a life long battle. Yes, they were born alive and are doing better than expected but anyone who knows anything about premature babies knows how quickly all that can change. I'm certainly keeping them in my prayers.

And I hate to end this on a snarky note but I can't help wondering what their reality show will be called.

Better Late and Lame than Never

2009-01-26T11:43:00.000-08:00

I'm horrible with tags. Just horrible as the few of you who have tagged me well know. Nothing personal, I just lack follow through, technical ability and the creativity to actually answer the questions.

But I'm trying here.

A few months back I was tagged by the lovely Elana.

The rules for this one is to admit 5 addictions and then pass it onto another 5 blogs…

1. Currently Pringles. Please someone confiscate these things from me.

2. Retin A. I have pretty bad adult acne and this stuff is the only thing that works for me. Of course, while pregnant, during cycles and when breast feeding I cannot use it. Which pretty-much encompasses the past 5 years of my life. I think I had clear skin for about 8 months back in 2003.

3. Radio- I have it on all day at my computer and I also have it on all night. Since I got married I have a small transistor radio with an earpiece. I keep it on low volume all night. I could not sleep with out some white noise drowning out my own very loud thoughts.

4. J-crew. I am truly shameful both in the amount of clothes I buy from them and the fact that I buy all my clothes from them. I think that is considered a fashion "no-no". The truth is I hate shopping but I love looking put together so I just shop the on-line store or e-bay. All the stuff works together and I have a mix and match wordrobe (like an adult version of garanimals). And now, thanks to the First Lady, my own little treasure-chest will be discovered by the rest of America. Damn.

5. Twisting my hair. I do it all the time. I know it's looks stupid and unprofessional but I can't seem to muster up the amount of caring needed to stop. Sometimes I get bald spots (dime sized) and then tufts of hair that stick up when they grow out, Alfalfa style.

If you are a blog I follow consider yourself tagged. I think you are all fabulous!

Wardrobe Malfunction

2009-01-23T16:01:00.000-08:00

This morning I mistakenly put on my skinny jeans. I have two pair that are similar. One is the kind of jeans you where when you are having a good ass day (or maybe they give you a good ass day...hard to tell). The other is the kind you wear when you want to be comfortable. Not "fat" jeans exactly. They are a bit big and they stretch but they don't look too baggie. So in the darkness and grogginess of the morning I put on my skinny ones think they were my comfy ones.

When I buttoned them up I thought they were kind-of tight and worried that my comfy jeans had now become my skinny jeans and my skinny leans were a distant memory. And while I am relieved to learn that I have not outgrown my comfy jeans (yet) I am so very uncomfortable.

I had to unbutton them this afternoon. You know, being Friday and hardly anyone around...Oh those famous last words of mine. A colleague came into my office and I agreed to go to their office to meet about some budget items I had requested. He stood up to leave and motioned for me to lead the way. Then I realized that my pants were unbuttoned and if I stood up I'd reveal my embarrassing wardrobe predicament.

And so I asked them to go ahead without me becasue I had to button my pants. Yes, I did. Partly becasue I am a blurter. Partly becasue I thought it was funny. Mostly becasue I am a dork.

Confirmed

2009-01-21T13:16:00.001-08:00

I got Confirmed. After 20 hours of classes including a filed-trip to the newest Cathedral in the world they let me take the sacrament.

I'm not the most faithful of people. I was kind-of doing it more for the ceremony than for faith. Notice I did not say "party" but ceremony. Two very different things in my book. I am a person who believes ceremony is important.

I did it more for conclusion rather than faith. I never got confirmed and it felt...incomplete. I didn't feel like I was incomplete but I like things to be tidy, finished.

I didn't start this as a result of a deepening of my faith. On the contrary I came to it via a crisis of faith.

In the process, much to my surprise, I did gain something out of it.

These past few years of infertility did nothing to increase my faith. Then to go through IVF and DE, both of which are not allowed in my church, only served to raise my ire with the Church.

But in my classes and in my own reading I have come to appreciate certain things about the Catholic Church. I'm not going to get all theological on your ass but I have learned a few things that have helped me come to terms with my Church and my truth. These two things seemed very far apart recently. Now, not quite as much.

One of the key ideas that has helped me is that the Catholic Church does not interpret to Bible literally. There is a very concrete realization that both the Old and New Testaments were oral tradition written down decades (if not centuries) after the fact. Additionally, there is a realization that translations have changed meaning over time. Add to that the fact that these translations cross time and cultures and you have a lot of ambiguity there. What I like about the Catholic Church is this understanding of Scripture. It's still sacred. It's still the word of God but it was written by man and therefor our understanding of it and interpretation of it can change.

While I'm not a monotheist (I'll have to write more about my Native religion sometime) I feel like I can co-exist with a Western Religion.

I was surprised by how powerful the actual sacrament was. Not the 3 hour mass but the 15 seconds with the Bishop was really powerful.

Plus, I was pregnant. I'm not going to lie. I do get a subversive pleasure from the fact that this baby was in my belly when I got confirmed. The Catholic Church is against how this baby was conceived so I take some pleasure in the fact that I had a little hitchhiker along for the ride.

Gather round the Computer kids. It's story time

2009-01-14T17:42:00.001-08:00

Let me tell you about the time I crapped myself at work. Twice. In one week. Actually it was twice in 8 days. Consecutive Fridays to be specific.

I was sitting at my desk on an uneventful Friday. Fridays are slimmly populated. Not many people around. No committee meetings. It' s good day to get caught up or sneak out a bit early. The office was pretty-much empty. It was just me so I felt ok letting go of the gas. Why was I so gassy? Well since I was not pregnant I can't use that as an excuse. I wasn't feeling particularly bad. I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary. I have no excuse. I guess I'm just a gassy gal. Anyhow, being all alone I didn't feel it necessary to hold it in.

A little while later one of the staff comes by to introduce the new administrator. I notice that the new administrator kind-of stinks. I think she must have her period or something. Poor woman. And then I noticed that she is wearing white pants. Hmm. Interesting choice for woman on her period. I feel bad for her but understand.

Later I take myself to the bathroom and WTF? What I thought was just gas had a sneaky co- pilot a little more in the liquid/solid category. Not a lot. My sanitary napkin (do they still call it that?....seems like a old-lady term) caught most of it. I was able to clean myself up and left work about 30 mins early.

Not big deal other than the two women who came to my office must have noticed it smelled bad.
"It can happen to anyone", I told myself. Reassured myself that if they did notice they'd probably not remember it. Laughed becasue I thought the stink was coming from someone else when it was really me. Vowed to be a little more careful next time.

A week latter I was up to my old tricks. I thought surely lasts week's incident was an outlier that would not happen again. I was so very wrong.

Again with the nobody in the office except for me. Again with the gas. Had I learned nothing? Well I was about to really learn my lesson.

So I'm farting away and then I feel it. It felt like a huge liquid bubble exploding up the back of my pants. I immediately grab my keys and start to make my way to the staff bathroom. I can feel wetness. Lots of wetness.

I'm trying to hustle but I don't want to run or anything. Don't want to call attention to myself in case anyone could see me. I don't want to be seen running to the bathroom becasue that would be embarrassing. But then I feel it starting to run down my thigh. So I pick up the pace. I see it getting to my knee and now I'm really moving. I rather be seen running to the bathroom than be seen with crap dribbling down my leg. It's an easy choice if you think about it.

Had I been wearing pants like a self-respecting adult I would have been fine but I was wearing shorts. I assure you they were work-appropriate Bermuda shorts. I can totally pull that off but I wont any more because the shorts were ruined and I had the throw them out.

I got the the bathroom just before the shit hit my shoe. It was way too much to clean up. My shorts were completely stained up the back. I used almost all the toilet paper. I did the best I could, went back to my office, closed up shop, and left. I used my very large purse to hide my backside which was very visibly soiled.

My car stunk for days and it took a scrubbing with bleach to get the smell out of the seat.

So that's it. No moral to the story. Nothing redeeming. Not necessarily that funny even. Ok I think it's funny. My family loves these types of stories. I could listen to the time my Dad crapped himself while walking his Greyhound at the motor-home park everyday and not get sick of it. The mental imagine of my Dad running to the bathroom with butt cheeks clenched dragging his dog behind him throws me into fits of hysterics. If you have a Crapped Myself story I'm all ears.

Cleared to Go Off Meds

2009-01-13T08:42:00.000-08:00

Here's a happy bit of news. My latest blood test looked great and I am cleared to go off all meds. Progesterone is over 35 so no more suppositories. It's a relief in a numbers of ways. Mostly I know that the placenta is working And that means baby is still alive (in all likelihood).

I still have not gotten the heartbeat on the doppler but I'm still only 10 weeks and realize it could take another week or even two before I hear it. As long as I feel like shit (which I do much of the time) I'm sure everything is fine. I have no rational reason to think the worst. If I can stick to the facts and probabilities I'm fine.

I'm in a training session 9-5 all week so I might be slow to comment but I am still reading.

Not Breathing Easy

2009-01-08T11:24:00.000-08:00

They say each pregnancy is different and I am finding that to be true. With Piccolina I was really gag-y and nauseous. With this pregnancy the nausea is not nearly as bad but the gas....Oh the gas. I will have to take before and after pic of my belly for you to fully appreciate the extend of volume I generate throughout the day. In the morning I look normal for a gal who is still in the 1T. By the evening I am so bloated I look 4 months pregnant. So much so that people might actually rub my tummy but the joke's on them becasue they'd probably just jiggle out a ginormous fart. Embarrassing? Yes. But it would certainly cure them of rubbing bellies.

The one symptom that is the same is the sharpening of the sense of small that makes one's stomach quiver. For me, it's not all smells or the usual smells. Coffee? fine. Cream of Mushroom soup? Yes please.

No, for me THAT smell is breath. Not even bad breath (although, good-God if it's bad, Lord help me). It's just breath. And I can smell it. From across a room.

While standing in lines I have to hold my hand over my mouth because I can smell the breath of the person in front of me and the person in back of me. At meetings I can identify the individual breath of every person sitting around the table.

I've developed a coping mechanism. I carry a pack a Trident gum with me and pass it around. Usually a few people take a piece and it seems to help.

OK not so bad. I can deal with some breath every now and then. But here is the part that makes me a little sad. Mr. Peeveme's breath also makes me gag. It's not bad. Like I said: It's breath. And I can smell it. Even minty-fresh breath makes me gag. When I was pregnant with Piccolina I had to finally ask him to stop kissing me on the mouth becasue it made me gag. I felt soooo bad telling him and he was kind-of hurt but I could not take it anymore. Even just a quick peck hello or goodbye was unbearable. It really sucks to not be able to kiss your handsome husband and know you have hurt his feelings.

It looks as though I am getting to that point again. I have not told him. I just keep turning my face a bit so that his sweet, loving, nauseating kisses fall on my cheek. It's so cold. I'm hoping he gets the hint and I don't have to tell him he makes me ill.

Poor Mr. Peeveme. Between my not wanting to kiss him and my horrific gas I'm amazed he still loves me. Ha Ha sucker. You got married for better or worse.

Instant Moron. Just add Wine.

2009-01-07T09:41:00.000-08:00

My family are big drinkers. Big drinkers. Mr. Peevme is a very moderate drinker but when bottle after bottle of good wine if being opened he can overindulge when he is with my parents. Man, they are total pushers. Your glass will never be empty. You say you have had enough and they just pour you another glass anyway.

So this X-mas eve after all the siblings and cousins had gone home it was just my folks, Mr. Peevme, Piccolina and I. As you might imagine Piccolina was a little difficult becasue she missed her nap and there was much excitement all day. She fussing and crying and Mr. Peeveme says to my Dad, "Man, we should have gotten a egg donor for the first one".

I just froze. My Dad seems confused and was like, "you mean a sperm donor?". And then I just tried to change the subject. But I was pissed at Mr. Peeveme. Really pissed. Since we were at my parents house I could not even discuss it let alone yell at him.

The next morning Peeveme said he did not remember saying that and, in fact, he barley remembers anything after dinner. He felt pretty bad.

I'm hoping my Dad didn't understand and was too buzzed to even remember. He hasn't said anything to me or to my sister (who knows about the DE).

Geeze, Mr. Peeveme, I'm not even out of the 1st trimester and you're going to blow it now? A secret we have to keep from our parents for as long as they are alive and you are going to blow it in the first few weeks? Seriously?

Plus, we had a little "talk" about how he's not allowed to say stuff like that to our kids (or me) cuz that might make them feel bad. I'd like to imagine a time when they are adults and we can make such jokes but for now let's keep those comments to ourselves.

In his defense I have almost slipped a few times myself. I have actually started a sentence with, "Well, the donor...errrr....I mean Doctor". So slips to happen. It's really hard for me to sensor things since I'm a) pathologically honest, b) a blurter.

I imagine it's not the last time something will slip. I mean, when the kid(s) are young we are going to tell them and they might tell people. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

For now Mr. Peeveme vows to be more careful and not get so loaded around my parents.

Dropped of the face of the Earth

2009-01-06T10:22:00.000-08:00

Sorry. I have been pretty much incapacitated with pregnancy fatigue and morning sickness for a few weeks. I haven't even checked my own blog let alone any of yours. Hope everyone is doing well. I promise to catch up and comment this week.

I have been vertical as much as possible. Had blood work done to see if I could go off meds. The progesterone is really low. 17.7 and that's with 3 suppositories a day. Plus last week I had two days of feeling fine. No sickness at all. It just makes me nervous all this well-being. I spend a considerable amount of energy trying not to freak out and I have been successful for the most-part. Although I did break-down and have a baby-Doppler overnighted. It should be here tonight. I was hoping/trying to be calm this pregnancy and not get one of those. But let's face it, donor or not, I'm still me and I need some reassurance that she's still alive so a month or two of a Doppler does not make me a total failure at achieving zen. I just know what I need in order to achieve it. I get another blood test next week to see if my placenta kicks into gear.

Ok, back to work for me. I have my evaluation in 2 hours and I have not even started on my self evaluation yet. Crap, I just wrote my goals (for last year) right now. How can I expect my placenta to get up to speed when I'm such a slacker myself?

The Big Reveal!

2008-12-29T11:07:00.001-08:00

Tests show it's a ...
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swollen lymph node. Not a hernia. Not as funny but a whole lot less pain and worry.

Who knew you had lymph nodes down there? No fever, normal white blood cell count. So it will resolve on it's own. In fact, the swelling and pain is almost gone by now.