Friday, May 30, 2008

Mary Oliver...have you been watching me?

"Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it a life?"...Ummmm, yes.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

I think now is a good time to start

2 Lents ago I gave up complaining. I was getting sick of the sound of my own voice...out my head...nothing was good. Everything sucked. Of course, I had (and still do) a loving, handsome husband, a precious little girl, great in-laws, super parents and siblings, a well-compensated career at a pretty-good place to work...maybe not as many friends as I wanted but that was my fault for not making any effort. My life's not perfect and, if fact, harder than many (did I mention the infertility and step -parenting gig?) but on the whole it's pretty good. So why all the griping? And not just griping but I felt resentful of anything good that happened to anyone. All the time I just had negative things swirling in my head and spilling out of my mouth. Granted, I think some of my complaints were and still are justified but it became was the only type of conversation I ever had.

So I gave it up for Lent and created this blog so I had a place to vent now that I was not going to complain verbally anymore. Well, I never posted anything. I still complained but much less than before and when I did at least I was conscious of it. (bad time to have a miscarriage). I tried it again this past Lent and still no posting (i.e. I could not shut my trap! Oh, and bad time to have a failed IVF...paid for out of pocket)). Giving up complaining was an effort to start appreciating what I have. Time is slipping away so quickly. My little girl is getting so big and I miss so much of her when all I do is grieve the children I don't have. I can't wait until next Lent to try again. I think I have resigned myself to the fact that I like to complain. As long as it does not take over my whole life I think I can live with that. I just want to be able to enjoy what I have too.

It's been a tough few years. I think I have a tough year ahead of me as I chase down what medical science can do for me and my desire to build my family. My TTC efforts are in the final (expensive) throws. I have faith but I am also a realist.

I turn 38 today. According to my IVF clinic SART Stats my chances of a live birth declined by 7-10% today. Happy Birthday to me. On the day I was born the likelihood of my giving birth declines. I am aware of the irony.

Mr. Peeve if out of town (as is usual on my Birthday) Seriously, I'm fine. I'm not that big on Birthdays. Perhaps I will take my little girl out to dinner. We've never done that...go out to eat just the two of us. And if she throws a fit, spills food, and is your average 2-year-old I'll still enjoy it and my time with her.