Monday, December 29, 2008

The Big Reveal!

Tests show it's a ...
swollen lymph node. Not a hernia. Not as funny but a whole lot less pain and worry.

Who knew you had lymph nodes down there? No fever, normal white blood cell count. So it will resolve on it's own. In fact, the swelling and pain is almost gone by now.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Not the type of bump I was hoping for

I think I may have a hernia. It could be just a pulled muscle or ligament but the painful lump hints at something more sinister. I have not been able to look at it since I'm at work but I can feel a bean-sized lump. I'm too afraid to push it back in or investigate further.

I have my 1st gyno appointment tomorrow so I'll ask the Dr. to take a looksie.

It's painful but not so much that I can't do regular things (with a limp). It doesn't particularly hurt when I cough or laugh just when I touch it. I even picked up Piccolina this morning and it was ok. So maybe it's nothing other than a strained muscle.

Have you Googled hernia? Geeze. With my queasy stomach it's not the thing a woman in my condition should do. Good God. Whoever said the human body is beautiful has never gotten an eyeful of someone's intestine bulging out of their groin.

In other news. Am sick. Am exhausted. Am constipated. Am pretty-much your run-of-the-mill pregnant chick. And it's wonderful in every way (minus the sick and tired and constipated) (Oh, and the hernia).

If it's a hernia then I will laugh my ass off because WTF? That's going to feel great around month 8.

Odds are it's nothing. But, of course, I have to consider all possible circumstances and prepare for the worse. If it's not a hernia I will be happy becasue really, who needs that shit? If it is I wont be surprised. That's how I roll. Hope for the best. Plan for the worst. I have already found a cute truss. Trusses are cheap. Good thing becasue that's the kind of thing you just don't want to buy from Craigslist.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Short Update

Didn't mean to drop off the face of the earth. With work and getting ready for the holidays and battling mornings sickness and fatigue I just don't have the time or the raw material to post. Seriously, nobody wants to hear me whine about being tired and sick or about the gifts I purchased on Amazondotcom (House season 4 [Aunt], Monk season 6 [Great Aunt], a new scale for me and a book for Mr. Peeveme).

I'm still alive. I'm sure baby is still alive. In the grand scheme of things everything is wonderful.

I have been been alternately sorting out and ignoring emotions regarding this DE thing. It will be time to write about them soon enough but I want to let things congeal a bit. It's just still really present in my mind (the fact that this child is from a donor). Everyone said, "You'll never even think about it" but I do. I am. I imagine I always will. Not that I regret it. Not that it takes away from the excitement, anticipation and love for this child that I feel. But I am still sad that my eggs couldn't do it. Still anticipating a life full of little things that will make me sad. Or big things that will make my children sad and maybe even feel disconnected. I cringe when I think about that. The effect this will have on them. But I always say I need to deal with things as they are and not as I wish them to be. I also think that if I don't think this through I wont be able to help my children through whatever they may go through when it's time for them to know. (That sentence needs a serious re-write)

In many ways I think this journey of DE has just started. I thought it would be over when I got pregnant but now I see it will be a part of everything for a long time.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Slow Learner

It never occurred to me that I could "edit" my answers on those surveys. I just answer everything truthfully. Dork.

It also never occurred to me that I don't HAVE to meet with the social worker. Mr. Peeveme said I should just refuse to meet with her. When she calls I will politely decline the offer and explain why. A glass of wine with dinner before I was pregnant is not a risk factor. It's just not.

I'm such a rule follower those things just never occur to me.

And thanks for all your reassurance the other day. Just a momentary lapse of reason.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Social (Butterfly) Worker

That paper-work appointment got me thinking about something that happened when I was pregnant with Piccolina. This large practice has each women fill out paper work regarding "life style". Everything from drugs use, anxiety, depression, emotional and physical abuse. If you answer something that puts you at risk you get an appointment with a social worker.

When I did this three years ago I accidentally marked "yes" to the question, "Are you being physically threatened by anyone in your household?" I don't know how I marked the wrong box but I did. So I get a call for an appointment with the social worker....only I didn't know that these appointments are for "special" patients. I just thought everyone got a social worker appointment. So there I am with the social worker and she's asking me all sorts of questions about my home life and I'm answering them all truthfully but thinking "Man, I know that, statically speaking, pregnant women are at higher risk of abuse but they really are fanatical about this". After a while she asks me, "Why are you here"? And I'm like, "Um, you told me to be here". And she's all, "On your questionable you indicated that you were being threatened". Cut to me with my mouth agape and bugged out eyes. I quickly cleared up the matter but I had the sneaking suspicion that she had the sneaking suspicion that I was not telling the truth.

And the worst part is that information ended up in my chart so at every single pre-natal appointment I was asked about it. Poor Mr. Peevme would not come with me to any appointments becasue he was so embarrassed. Plus he was worried that I'd pull something "funny" in the waiting room like flinch when he moved or say things like, "Ok honey, just don't get mad. I promise I'll do better. Just please don't get mad."

All kidding aside, domestic abuse, especially of pregnant ladies needs to be taken very seriously but to have people wrongly think you are being abused is really uncomfortable. Also it sucked that Mr. Peevme would not come to any appointments becasue he didn't get to see any of the u/s. I finally had to go through a whole big deal to get my chart corrected.

Anyhow, this time I was sure to fill out the forms carefully. I dutifully check each and every box truthfully and accurately which has earned me ANOTHER visit with the social worker. Apparently if you mark that BEFORE pregnancy you drank daily (the choices are: daily, once a week, one a month, never) you get a meeting with the social worker. Never mind that I have not been drinking since the transfer. Never mind that "Daily" and "Weekly" is a poor choice sequence (What do you mark if you have a drink 3-4 days a week?). It just seems like a waste of her time and mine. It also seems like a very poor screening question in my profession opinion.

So I get another nice chat with a social worker. Between all my extra appointments for u/s and blood work and now this I am quit the "regular" at the OB's office. For the rest of this month I will be there at least once a week....maybe more If I can get the social-worker appointment scheduled this month.

I figure I should make the most of it. So if you were locked in a room with a social worker what types of questions would you ask?

The Sky is Possibly Getting Lower- (Now with Update)

I don't want to be a Henny Penny. I'm really concerned but trying not to get ahead of myself the way I normally do.

I have had four Beta's. The doubling time between 1 and 2 was 1.88 days. The doubling time between 2 and 3 was 1.86 days. Both were well below the 2 days doubling time that is recommended so it's been very reassuring. I know some Dr.s consider 48-72 hours (2-3 days) fine but I have not seen too many pregnancies in the 72 hours range that stayed put. So if I had one in the 3 days range I would worry.

The doubling time between Beta 3 and 4 was 3.47 days. So you can see why I am concerned. It's not even in the 3 day range that I find worrisome. I am worried but trying to not get hysterical. I have a pre-natal appointment with my OB's office today (not with an OB or a nurse...just a paperwork person) and another Beta. The pre-natal is just a series of paperwork and a blood test. I might even pee in a cup and get weighed but my pants stay on (no u/s). I wont get the blood test results until tomorrow and I have an u/s at my RE's office on Friday. I will either get some good news or I could be looking at a repeat of a m/c performance I'd rather not repeat. No, the m/c encore would be unwelcome indeed.

On Beta # 2 my progesterone was 44. Beta number 3 it was 34. I'm concerned and since I am between Dr's I'm not able to really get anyone on the case. And what good would it do? They can't save a bad or nonviable pregnancy anyhow. I'm not pregnant enough for my OB and too pregnant for my RE.

I am not in full hysterics but I'm bracing myself for the worse. I'm really hoping that this is nothing and I'll have a strong Beta and happy u/s but I am not naive.


Just came back from the Dr 's office and from cruising the internet.

I found this little bit of reassuring information. (Source)

Within the first 2-4 weeks after fertilization, HCG usually doubles every 48-72 hours. That usually corresponds to HCG levels below 1200 IU. From 1200-6000, the HCG usually takes 72-96 hours to double. Above 6000 IU, the hCG often takes over four days to double.

I'd still like to see something in the 72 hours range but this does give me reason to breath a little easier since I am well into the range when it could take a healthy pregnancy four days to double the HCG.

Paper-work woman was very nice (as she always is). I expressed my concerns and she was very understanding and accommodating.

My concerns are:

1) My medications. My insurance should be covering them but since my scripts are with a private RE the hospital insurance wont take them. Hospital pharmacy will only take scripts from their Dr.s. Also, I cannot be prescribed any medication until I am seen by a Dr. or nurse for an OB appointment. But they don't have OB appointments for folks until they are at least 8 weeks. The very first OB appointment is Dec 23 (7 weeks 4 days) which I snapped up but will need to reorder meds prior to that date.

2) If I should have a m/c I have now where to go for proper medical care. I would need an u/s to ensure it was a complete m/c as well as blood tests to make sure the HCG went down to 0.

Solution: I have an appointment with the nurse practitioner on Monday Dec 15th. This way I can get my scripts and an u/s if the one on Friday is not conclusive or bad.

To recap all my appointments:

Dec 10th OB- pre-natal paperwork, blood, urine tests.
Dec 12th RE- u/s
Dec 15th OB- First OB appointment, urine test, possible u/s, scripts
Dec 23rd OB - 2nd OB appointment, urine test, possible u/s.

I realize I am sucking up a lot of resources but this time in between the RE and OB is weird. Like I said: Too pregnant for the RE; not pregnant enough for the OB.

My OB's office is being wonderful and trying to be as responsive as they possibly can. I am a self-admitted nervous Nelly. I'm not demanding any thing....just letting them know my concerns and that I would be appreciative of any extras they could give me.

I am feeling a little better than before. I just want to prepared for all scenarios.


14 dpo- 292
17 dpo - 885
23 dpo - 8206
25 dpo - 12225
27 dpo- ???

Monday, December 8, 2008

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder-ly

Lord knows I'm not a stickler for proper use of punctuation or grammar. I rarely edit things before I publish (as you are very aware) and even if I did it wouldn't help much becasue I'm a poor editor. I am a horrible speller and even worse typist. I'm pretty lax about these things however, there is one thing that drives me nuts: when people do not use adverbs. Drives me bonkers.

For example, when someone says "Drive safe" I usually add the "ly" for them (under my breath...I'm not THAT big of a jerk.) I don't do it to correct them. I do it becasue somehow it makes the world seem right. Without my mentally saying "ly" it would just be floating out there forever dangling and unfulfilled.

Sometimes, after I use an adverb I will mentally add on a few extra ly's to make up for all the improper usage I know is happening out there.

Verbs require proper modification and that proper modification is an adverb. Please us them correctly (ly, ly, ly).

Ah, there you are. I thought you weren't coming. Silly me.

I was worried that I was not worried.

Usually I approach pregnancy with terror. Just breathing regularly is difficult and takes constant reminding. My last pregnancy I resolved not to worry or, at least, not to let it rob me of joy. I wrote to two friends in a e-mail, "I'm choosing not to worry until I get information otherwise." 24 hours later my 7 week-old embryo measured 6 weeks. Blood test. Repeat blood test: not viable. Wait for m/c. I realize my one, early m/c is nothing compared to what so many women have gone through. I'm not comparing. But when one is infertile or had a pregnancy go south, fear just comes with the territory. Not your garden variety fear of a passing thought, "I hope everything is ok", and then you go blissfully through your day belly-rubbing and browsing changing tables. I mean dead baby thoughts. I mean the constant looking for blood in the undies. I mean wondering when, not if, you'll m/c and hoping it's not when you are at work or when your DH is out of town. It's a terror that has to be constantly fought otherwise I would collapse into a heap of pointless sobbing. The irrational terror which makes one think that if you get too happy or too comfortable you will actually cause it all the go to pot.

The time between Beta and that first u/s is the worst. Too early for symptoms which can be so reassuring. No evidence of a heartbeat so higher m/c rates apply. After that heartbeat is seen one has actual scientific evidence to worry less. (That evidence usually makes me worry less for about a week). It's pretty much what most of us in the infertile community experiences.

This being a DE cycle I was worried becasue I was NOT feeling that way. I was happy, content, secure. I have just felt certain I would have a baby in August. With young, healthy eggs why wouldn't I?

I wondered about the reasons for my terror-less existence. Was it becasue this was a second child? Maybe you are less worried the second time around. Maybe the fact that this is a DE baby and has better chance of being healthy than with my own eggs made me worry less. Maybe it was becasue I have a half dozen on ice that made me less terrified becasue even if this pregnancy did go south I would eventually have a baby. But mostly I worried that it was becasue this is not my genetic child and as a result I felt less connected and less worried. That thought was really disturbing.

Maybe I had made a HUGE mistake. Maybe I wouldn't love this child as my own. Maybe I will always feel differently about her (gut instinct that's it's a girl). I couldn't even blog about it I found it so disturbing.

And then worry started to creep in. I do have dead baby thoughts and while it really sucks I am relieved that I 'm not going to be a horrible mother to this baby. Ok, I might be a crappy mom but it wont be becasue I'm not the genetic mom. I can be a crappy mother to both this child and Piccolina. Hey man, I'm an equal opportunity crap-mom. Such relief!

I'm terrified and it's comforting. It's also highly well...terrifying. It's a damned if you do and dammed if you don't situation. But I'm taking it all in and remaining so grateful to be able to have these thoughts.

My latest Beta was 8,206. 6 days ago it was 885. Doubling time in 1.86 days. Everything is on track. U/S on Friday. I will be 6 weeks 1 day. Looking for that flicker that will sustain my faith.

I don't just want a baby. I want this baby. I'm so relieved and terrified to feel that way. But mostly I am grateful.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Addendum to a Summer Story

Remember this chick? My best friend from high school who made out with my boyfriend in front of all my friends at a party? And then at my 20 year high school reunion was throwing me under the bus in front of Mr. Peeveme because I had kissed her brother? Yea, her.

She's in a commercial for this anti-snoring device. If you want to take a peak at the chick who was almost on the recieving end of my full wrath click on the TV commercial. She's the third testimonial. Not the really blond lady but the lady after in the blue shirt.

I just thought it was funny.

What I did not write in that first story was that she kept going on and one about all the things we did in high school....only she kept saying it was me....leaving herself out of it. "I remember Peeveme did this". "This one time Peevme was blah, blah, blah". Each thing made me look stupid and immature...which I was becasue I was 16 years old....and although they were based on truths they were exaggerated and she managed to leave herself out of all the stories.

Of course, all this was in front of Mr. Peevme. I kept trying to change the subject, "So what are you up to these days"? "Oh that was so long ago. Where did you go to College?" After about three of those I took her by the elbow, you know, the way moms drag a mischeviouse kid down a hallway? Yea, I gave her one of those and pulled her aside. I said, "What are you doing? Why are you trying to make me loook bad in front of my husband? I remember myself as a somewhat nerdy homebody in high school so that's what my husband thinks. Tell you what, why don't you cool it on the, "Peevme was so drunk" stories and I wont tell embarrassing stories about you. I'm just here to have fun. We cool?"

See how much restraint I have when I try? I did not embarrass her which I could have. She would have been an easy enough target.

She avoided me the rest of the night. Fine by me.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Update on that friend of I was annoyed with. Subtitle: You guys were right!

Do you guys remember the friend I was having trouble with? Many of you commented with great advice which I did follow. I wrote to her, apologize for not being a good friend and explained why I was not being a good friend without getting into too much detail. Basically, I gave her the opportunity to be a friend to me becasue I was pretty-much just freezing her out each time she requested I come and visit her and her new baby.

Her response made me cry (in a good way) and the friendship is saved and I own it all to you! So thanks.

( me)
Hi Sweetie,

First, I am so sorry you are hurt that I have not been there for you. I am aware (and feel terribly) that I have not seen Daughter or your new home. I know that I have been particularly bad (worse than usual) about returning your calls. I am sorry I am not being a good friend to you. I admit, own it and honestly apologize to you for it.

The fact is I am not able to be a good friend to you right now. I just can't do the things you want me to do. It's more than just being busy (although being a career mother without any help is a large part of it). The past few years have been very hard on me and it just seems to have escalated in the past few months. I am in the midst of some very heavy medical, financial and emotional stuff. I need you to understand and accept that I can't be there to meet your needs right now. I also don't want to explain a whole lot about what I'm going through. I just need to get through it and hope I come out the other end intact.

In a word I am overwhelmed. I'm simply not in a place to give. Honestly, I have been avoiding your calls becasue I feel pressured and guilty and I am not able to handle that right now.

I do value your friendship and I am sorry I am hurting you but until I get through this rough patch I need your compassion.


Thank you for letting me know what is up. I am so sorry to hear that you are going through some horrible stuff right now. I understand your not wanting to talk about it - when Daughter was diagnosed with her heart stuff, I didn't want to talk to anyone at first. But I consider you one of my best friends, so please know that I'll be thinking about you and praying for you and when you are ready to fill me in, I am here.

I am a little confused by your references to "giving", "doing the things you want me to do" and "meeting my needs". I don't need anything. I just wanted to see you and have you meet Daughter and I couldn't understand why you weren't making any effort to do so, and now I understand why. I'm sorry if that came across as my being needy. I value your friendship as well and my view was that I want to spend time with you so that our friendship can be nurtured and continue to grow. Now that you've shared this with me, I completely get why nurturing our friendship is not on your short list right now :) As your friend I'd like to be there for you so please let me know if there is anything I can do help! I know you are not really the type of person to ask for help, but since I don't know what the problems are, I'm not sure what to offer. So just know that I love you and I am here for you and please don't hesitate to ask if there is anything I can do.


And then I cried like the "big-fat girl" that I am. She could not have written a better response.

Monday, December 1, 2008

HCG Numbers

Here are the numbers. I'm feeling pretty happy and dare I say.... confident?