Tuesday, June 30, 2009






Billy May....

Has anyone seen Sham-Wow guy?


For the record I do not believe deaths, celebrity or otherwise, happen in 3's. In an unending series of events you will always be able to subdivide into 3's/. Especially if there are no time limits on when the 3 will happen.

I also heard an interesting news report today (wish I could remember the author and his book) that "3" is a way the human mind makes memory and meaning. It's just the way our minds make sense of information...not that the information is actually divided into threes...we create the trinity becasue our minds work that way. Oh, the Holy Trinity is a good example. Other examples are: past/present/future, breakfast/lunch/dinner.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Perfect Moment Monday

This weekend we installed a second car seat in my car. I could pinch myself. I also washed and folded a bunch a tiny clothes that have been in storage. More pinching.

To some, those sound like small chores. To me they signal a triumph.

I was doubtful I would get here. I didn't arrive at this place the way I thought I would. I didn't get here easily.

I am tenacious...and I'm glad because without that I would not be here and neither would Bambina.

Go tenacity!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Not Complaining but....

....I'm pretty sure this fetus has restless leg syndrome.

Everything is looking right on track. Weight gain is a little under 25 pounds, baby is the right size, my blood pressure is fine, no real swelling to speak of (which is why I can "skank"around in my high heels...Teresa, you crack me up!). Still wearing my wedding ring.

I seem to be good at the pregnancy thing...which I know is no small thing and I am very grateful. I just couldn't get here on my own.

I think we have decided on her name. I need to confirm the middle name with some research (from my tribal language) and pick out some boy names options just in case we get surprised by a penis. Nothing worse than not being prepared for a surprise penis. I usually want/expect lots of warning before a penis encounter. I'm sure I'm not alone in that.

One more random thing. There is a piece of black string on the top stair in my house. It's all balled up so as to look like a spider or bug or something. I jump at it EVERY FRIGGEN TIME I go downstairs! You'd think 1) I'd learn it's just a piece of string 2) I'd pick it up. But these days I'm only stooping for things that are really important. Mostly I just end up kicking things over to where Mr. Peeveme is and asking him to pick it up for me. And you KNOW I'm all dramatic and whiny about it. I'm sure he thinks I'm a moron and the man might have a point. I guess you just get to a certain girth and the very thought of bending at your nonexistent waist sends one into fits of annoyance. I usually drop my car keys about twice a day and the amount of whining, swearing, grimacing and clumsy contorting I engage in to retrieve them (before I instantly drop the AGAIN and have to do an repeat performance) must be a sight to behold. I am thisfaraway from kicking them over to my car and asking the first stranger I encounter to pick them up for me.

I don't think I am taking take full advantage of this "with child" thing. I should be cutting in line at the grocery store, asking co-workers to heat up my lunch for me/fetch my mail, carry things to my car for me. What else should I be extorting while I still have the belly?

So that's where I am:
Kicking reflex: Is strong (Both baby and me)
Startle reflex: Is strong
Annoyed reflex: Is strong
Coercing people into doing things for me reflex: Underway!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

A Change of Pace

OK...so I think I have caught up on my Donor Egg related posts. Truly, I am not overly worried. I am, perhaps, over thinking as I am apt to do. I am truely happy and excited and don't doubt for a moment my love for this child or that my family will love her as well. I'm just thinking out loud about some of my concerns and passing thoughts. Partly just to articulate them and think them through. Partly in hopes that someone gains something from my rants.

And a HUGE "thank you" for all your comments. You have have been thought provoking, comforting, insightful. Have I told you that I love you? No? We'll that becasue I'm not very demonstrative and somewhat emotionally distant...but since this is over the internet I do feel comfortable saying that. If your were IRL friends/family then we'd probably just touch fists or something like that.

All that stuff has been brewing for a while. I'm sure I will have more to write about in the future but for now I think I need a change of pace.

I am 8 months pregnant and these are the shoes I wore to work yesterday. I should add that I worked a 13 hour day. Piccolina is staying the night at her grandparents so I took full advantage to get some work done before I go on maternity leave (wow that was hard to type...but I better face facts that I will be going on maternity leave.....pinch me!).

I am somewhat known for wearing high heals. I do wear sensible/comfortable shoes from time to time but I have a desk job so why not wear shoes that make me feel pretty? When I know I will be walking to meetings or on my feet I certainly opt for something more sensible. But I was just sitting and working so Patent Leather Citron Heals it is.

Another Donor Egg Related Post- God parents

Just another weird thing that I didn't consider when I decided on DE. God Parents. My sister and her husband are Piccolina's Godparents and guardians should Mr. Peeveme and I both come to an untimely end. But this child is not genetically related to them. Would it be better if we chose someone on Mr. Peeveme's side of the family for those duties? I'm not really asking you...just wondering out loud here.

I could ask my sister (who does know about the DE) how she feels about it. I'm pretty sure she sees no difference between this child and Piccolina. BUT........and this is a big butt (tee hee), technically, Nolan (my step-son) is just as "related" to my family as this child is (he's Mr. Peeveme's DNA but not mine)...and my family has never embraced him...although there are LOTS of reasons for that which are not their fault...he was older...they never saw him...he's kind-of a self-absorbed jerk....It's a totally different situation, I know, but it does give me pause because my family has never really embraced anyone who was not of our genetics (which is why I am not telling my parents). I always grew up hearing my mom say things like, "They aren't really your cousins....Your uncle just married someone with kids". Or "They aren't 'insert my tribal name here' because they are adopted". So I know how my mother feels about genetics. It has certainly impacted the way I feel about genetics...which is why doing DE was such a hard decision for me and obliviously I am still working things out. But I had a HUGE incentive for changing my thought patterns about genetics....I wanted a family. Without DE it would not be possible for me to add to my family.

It worries me that, even though people are excited about this pregnancy, when Bambina arrives what if they don't feel connected due to lack of genetics? Everyone loves a little, innocent baby. But as she grows...as the differences become apparent...will they feel the same? And if the worst happened would they be able to love this baby and take care of her the same as Piccolina?

I know after she is born most of these doubts will fade and she will simply be my baby. But there are those situations that make me think about it and the God Parents aspect is one of them that I did not anticipate when I started.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Donor Egg Related Post: Facebook Ouch!

Somebody I knew from high school posted this on my Facebook wall:

"Pregnant? Huge congrats. You've got beautiful genes and they should be passed down as many times as possible. Happy happy belated. xx"

She has no idea...why would she? Why wouldn't people assume this is my genetic child? I can't blame her. Apparently, I think rather highly of my genes as well!

It's just one of the things I will have to get used to. And eventually, my child will have to get used to. It's just a matter of fact that people will assume a genetic link. It's nothing to obsesses about but it will be a constant reminder.

BTW- Facebook rocks on your birthday. That many well-wishes makes a girl feel great.


Update: I'm not mad at her or anything. It is a nice compliment...just totally not applicable to my situation. Innocent and nice comments like that are just being filtered through my new DE lens (to borrow from Bluebird)and eventually I will get used to it.

Again...I am less concerned for myself and more concerned with how an innocent comment like that will make my child feel.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

DE Related post-Doubts about The Donor and Feeling like a Ass

Ok so I going to start documenting some of my DE thoughts even if they are not pretty or make me look bad. Here is one of them.

I'm smart. My DH is smart. Piccolina is smart (although at 2.5 is hard to tell how smart or how that will manifest). I know there are all types of smart but I'm talking about the traditional, school-approved "smart". Actually, I was not thought of as very smart by my teachers while in grade school or high school. I didn't get good grades, I didn't do homework but when I got to College and certainly Grad-school I understand how to succeed in school and ROCKED it. So while I was a slow starter.... I always tested off the charts...school wanted me to skip a grade...I think I was just too immature to make it work. I have always had the raw materials to be nerd-smart...I just didn't not apply them until I was an adult.

Dh has always been "school smart". Good handwriting, good at math, still remembers high school calculus (yes he took calc in high school). His parents never once asked him if he did his homework...he just did it and got really good grades. His parents did not finish grade-school so they could not help him. He did it all on his own.

Here is where I sound elitist and judgmental. I worry the donor is not that smart. I don't want to go into the reasons why because then I'd have to write paragraph upon paragraph stating my evidence...considering opposing evidence...acknowledging the limitations of my evidence and justifying my conclusions none of which I care to do here or anywhere else. All in all I am concerned that Bambina might not have all the genetic equipment to be nerd-smart.

I probably sound irrational and full of myself but part of doing DE means looking at what you value in yourself and mourning the loss of that. It could just as easily been musical ability (which I do have), athletic ability (which I don't),looks (which we'll get to in a another post) or some other quality.

I know that even kids with the same parental DNA can be wildly different and that there are other qualities that are just as important but I am focused on this brain thing for some reason. Not obsessed or anything....it's just something I think about from time to time. It's not nagging.....just present.

And then I feel like an ass for sounding so full of myself, judging someone I have never met who gave me the most generous, compassionate gift imaginable. A person, who, by her profile, seems thoughtful, fun, likable. And then I try to focus on Bambina being kind, compassionate, fun and likable. That would not be so bad for her to have some of those qualities.... the qualities I feel I lack. The people who know me would never use those words to describe me.

But I'm still eating extra protein because of all the brain development that happens in the 3T. What? I can want her to have both smarts and a good personality.

I never worried about these things when I was pregnant with Piccolina. Yes, I wonder what she will be like but I don't worry. I don't think I am worried about Bambina becasue it's not MY DNA....as if MY DNA is some genetic jackpot or something. No, I think I am more worried because I don't want her to feel separate, different, not fully one of us, not fully whole.

While I'm thrilled to let my children be who they are (not mini versions of me; no wish fulfillment or vicarious living here) I have more concerns for my DE child. I am truly excited to see how my children develop. I want to see them become who they are; see what makes then unique (something I might not have fully appreciated if I had not done DE). But what if what makes her unique makes her feel less than or separate from us? I do not have those concerns for my genetic child. Piccolina being different just IS and would not cause any concerns. Bambina being different might cause her confusion or questioning.

So once again with this DE thing I have my concerns and worries that I, as an adult, can navigate through. But I am left with my concerns for my child and how she will feel. I always end up in this place. All I can do is be aware and try to make it ok for her to feel whatever she feels about it.

BTW- I totally know that a lot of things are determined by nurture...but I really believe that nature determines the upper and lower limits. Certain things are set and nurture can only enhance/detract.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

De Realted Post: My Rocky First Trimester; Trying to get Perspective

I got the long awaited BFP...HCG more than doubled...everything was looking great. I was happy. Then came the time for the viability scan at about 6 weeks. Mr. Peeveme and the Dr. were there. I was on the table...looking at the heartbeat...and my first thought was, "It's not the same".

I couldn't believe it. After all that time, effort money and emotional energy and here I was looking at the heartbeat and I felt...disappointment. I walked to my car and in my head I had this ringing, "It's just not the same". I did not have the elation I had when I saw Piccolinna's heartbeat. When I saw Piccolina I cried with joy. I cried this time too....but unknown to my husband and the Dr. I was crying becasue my first thought was, "It's not the same" and felt guilty about it. That's hard to admit.

I tried to shrug it off (as I do with most emotional things especially when they are not rational) but it only got worse. As the nausea and fatigue set in my mental state got worse. "What was I thinking? I can't do this. I can barely handle one kid right now...how can I handle another ...and one I might not love as much....or one who might end up resenting me, not seeing me as her mother. What the hell did I do?".

I didn't panic. I just felt it, acknowledge it for a moment then pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I tried to think logically. I remembered when I was in the 1st trimester with Piccolina I felt similarly doubtful and overwhelmed. The hormones and fatigue can really make one wish they weren't pregnant and doubt their ability to be a mom. "That's all it is" I told myself. "Normal 1st trimester doubts". It's just because I did Donor Eggs that I am extra sensitive to those feelings.

I trusted that they would go away when the fog of the 1st trimester lifted. It felt real at the time...but I didn't want to give it too much influence since I was hoping it was temporary. I just held on. I didn't post much during this time. I didn't talk to anyone. I just endured. And hoped.

I also think that this being a 2nd child has something to do with the way I was feeling. I think the 2nd time around, one is less excited. It's not new, your are not as nervous, joyous ect. I think that is normal but again since this child is from a Donor I am extra sensitive any time I remember being happier, more excited ect with Piccolina.

In addition to all this, we were having (still are) having financial difficulty (who isn't?). So that also added to my anxiety level and my doubts.

Since the 2nd trimester I am feeling differently like I thought I would. I am happy, I am excited. I am looking forward to having this baby. I think I am as happy as I would be if this were my genetic child and my conflicted feelings are not a reflection of my love, excitement and anticipation for this child. I also think the 2nd child is just different from the first...no matter what the genetics.

I'm just trying to keep it all in perspective but I think with Donor Eggs perspective is harder to come by. This pregnancy is just different from my first and Donor Eggs is just one aspect.

I thought that once I got pregnant it would be smooth sailing and I was a little surprised when it didn't happen that way. I was shocked by my emotional response. I was really side swiped by that. I wonder if I had not had a genetic child if I would have had those doubts? I'm in a really good place now. It took time and I know I will be dealing with aspects of Donor Eggs for a long time...possibly a lifetime but I hope it becomes just one small aspect of our family story...not the whole story.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

DE related post-Learning to Live with Being Conflicted

I want to elaborate on my last post becasue I don't want to mislead anyone about my ongoing emotional journey with Donor Eggs. To a certain extent I am still "in process" and I think I always will be in some form (either myself or my children or my family when they find out). I was just so happy the other day to realize I was over a huge hump and wanted to share. I want be reassuring but I also want to be realistic.

When I first started to look into Donor Eggs (after completely dismissing it as "not for me") I would read blogs and messages boards that would say things like, "you'll never look back". And when I got there..the BFP...I did look back. And while I am over the moon right now I was not always over the moon.

While I feel wholeheartedly what I wrote in my last post...I still wish I did not have to have done DE. I wish regular IVF could have worked. Again, I love this baby and would not change things as they have turned out but if I had it all to do over again....the usual way would have been my first choice. I don't want to mislead any of you. I have had my low points with the DE thing. Mostly pre-cycle and the 1st trimester. Now that I am here...30 weeks pregnant... I am so glad this did work. For me it was the right choice...despite my doubts...which I think are normal and healthy.

Yes, I have had doubts. No, I do not think those will ever completely go away and they will get tons more complicated as this child grows up and she begins to deal with some of the emotions I have been dealing with.

But there is love and gratitude and I know that everything is going to be ok. Not so long ago I did not believe that everything would be ok. I know that some of you are there right now...not sure...terrified it wont work...terrified what is means if it does work. I was there, too, and it got kinda-of bad for a while.

Next post...my first thought when I had that first u/s and saw the heartbeat and the weeks I thought I had made a terrible mistake.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Finally a DE Related Post

Just a passing thought I had today..not a long-well thought out post about Donor Eggs. Just a quick thought.

Today I thought, what if? What if I could magically change this fetus for one with my genetics. What if I could have that baby I wanted a year ago (before this DE adventure) but it meant this one would not exist. And I, without a second thought, chose this one.

I don't want A baby...I want this baby even though it's not my DNA. I want her. She is exactly who she is supposed to be. My DNA could not improve upon her.