Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Frequent Thougth Arch

It goes like this:

I start to think about Piccolina and the knowledge woman share with their daughters. The age I got my first period, started to get break-outs, what my PMS is like, what my labor and delivery was like.

The Peeveme women (my mom, my two sisters, aunt) talk very frankly about these things. For example, Peeveme women get pregnant really easily and have super fast L&D's. So fast that babies have almost been delivered in cars. So that's been a part of my story.

And then I get sad becasue if I have a girl from this donor cycle I wont be able to share that with her.

And then I realize how irrelevant it is. Unlike my mothers, my aunt, and my sister I do not get pregnant easily. Both my mother and older sister had a baby, got an IUD put in, then got pregnant with the IUD. Yep. Me? Not so much. No spontaneous pregnancies here.

My L&D lasted forever. I had to be induced (at nearly 42 weeks) and I still pushed for nearly 3 hours. Those particular chunks of Peevme -family wisdom were pretty misleading. When I walked into L&D I was so confident that I'd have this baby in a few hours because Peeveme women have fast labors. 15 hours later, all hopped up on pitocine and pushing my ass inside out I was sobbing, "I'm not a Peevme, I'm not a Peeveme." Bitterly lamenting my unexpectedly long labor. I was supposed to get pregnant easily. I was supposed to shoot a baby out so fast the Dr.s barley have time to suit-up. Genetics mislead me.

Even genetically linked people are unique. So then I think it's not that big of a deal that these children wont be genetically linked to me and move on. End thought arch. Have thought, feel sad, apply reason, feel better.

I keep thinking of little things that make me sad about loosing the genetic link to my children but when I get down to it....the particulars are of little consequence. It's not just one thing. Nothing I can pin down. Nothing I can't dismiss by applying a little logic. But those are just the parts. Not the sum. The sum is still a loss.

I don't think it's any one thing about loosing the genetic link. You can't dissect WHY it's sad. It's just sad. I'm just sad. And then I make the decision not to let those thought linger too long and I move on. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to do this, I am so excited to create this(ese) child(ren). And yet, there is a sense of loss. I'm learning to be ok with that ambivalence.

But then I worry about the loss my children will feel. It was their loss too. Not just mine. Will they feel robbed of their genetic mother? Will they find genetics irrelevant? Will they be ok with ambivalence?


Anonymous said...

I give you so much credit not only for your honesty here, but for going through the DE process. This is a path that we are still too scared to take for all the reasons you listed. (Okay, that and we have no money...but we'd find the $$) I think that by the time this little one(s) is older, this will not be as unique. There are already books popping up about it for kids. I know none of this helps you...I hope you are feeling less ambivalent. I can't wait to hear how many eggies you get!!!

Teresa said...

You were cheated as far as be the lucky one to get pregnant and push out a baby easily. It's so not fair. I think you are an amazing and very strong woman and I give you all kinds of props! :)

Sky said...

I particularly like when you describe being sad, applying reason and feeling better. That sort of sums up much of why I feel totally UNAFFECTED and NOT SAD about never having a genetic child. I tend to see it very scientifically - very matter-of-factly. I do, on some fundamental level, view it as a biological unit I'm going to be transplanted from someone else to supplant a function my body doesn't fulfill anymore. And sure I think that's too bad but, oh well! It just is and no amount of being sad about it and reading too much into it is going to make me feel better or help anything.

My inability to have genetic offspring has NOTHING to do with life or a higher power having robbed me of something.

I could have EASILY conceived at 16 - many, many times over! Umm....that's why we get our period at such a young age. Our society may have deemed motherhood to be unwise at that age, but it's when nature tells us it's time.

I missed that window by 30 years - I can't cry about it now. ;)

Rather, I'm eternally grateful that I live in a time and in a country that gives me a wonderful alternative and the chance to still be a mom - pregnancy, delivery and all! WOO FRIGGEN HOO!

Melbagirl said...

I am thinking of you. Hoping and praying. Hovering around your blog. Waiting for your next post.

tonya said...

I love how eloquently you describe your sadness, and how you cope. Thinking of you.

Chelle said...

I don't have any advice for this tough subject, but I do see that you are incredibly strong.

Kudos to you.

sarah said...

I'm so glad you said this. So many DE blogs don't talke about this kind of pain. Thank you.