It goes like this:
I start to think about Piccolina and the knowledge woman share with their daughters. The age I got my first period, started to get break-outs, what my PMS is like, what my labor and delivery was like.
The Peeveme women (my mom, my two sisters, aunt) talk very frankly about these things. For example, Peeveme women get pregnant really easily and have super fast L&D's. So fast that babies have almost been delivered in cars. So that's been a part of my story.
And then I get sad becasue if I have a girl from this donor cycle I wont be able to share that with her.
And then I realize how irrelevant it is. Unlike my mothers, my aunt, and my sister I do not get pregnant easily. Both my mother and older sister had a baby, got an IUD put in, then got pregnant with the IUD. Yep. Me? Not so much. No spontaneous pregnancies here.
My L&D lasted forever. I had to be induced (at nearly 42 weeks) and I still pushed for nearly 3 hours. Those particular chunks of Peevme -family wisdom were pretty misleading. When I walked into L&D I was so confident that I'd have this baby in a few hours because Peeveme women have fast labors. 15 hours later, all hopped up on pitocine and pushing my ass inside out I was sobbing, "I'm not a Peevme, I'm not a Peeveme." Bitterly lamenting my unexpectedly long labor. I was supposed to get pregnant easily. I was supposed to shoot a baby out so fast the Dr.s barley have time to suit-up. Genetics mislead me.
Even genetically linked people are unique. So then I think it's not that big of a deal that these children wont be genetically linked to me and move on. End thought arch. Have thought, feel sad, apply reason, feel better.
I keep thinking of little things that make me sad about loosing the genetic link to my children but when I get down to it....the particulars are of little consequence. It's not just one thing. Nothing I can pin down. Nothing I can't dismiss by applying a little logic. But those are just the parts. Not the sum. The sum is still a loss.
I don't think it's any one thing about loosing the genetic link. You can't dissect WHY it's sad. It's just sad. I'm just sad. And then I make the decision not to let those thought linger too long and I move on. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to do this, I am so excited to create this(ese) child(ren). And yet, there is a sense of loss. I'm learning to be ok with that ambivalence.
But then I worry about the loss my children will feel. It was their loss too. Not just mine. Will they feel robbed of their genetic mother? Will they find genetics irrelevant? Will they be ok with ambivalence?