Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Loaded Expecations

The donor will likely trigger tonight! Which means ER on Thursday. Starting tonight my medicines change. While this cycle has been going on for weeks and weeks now it feels like it's finally starting for real today. At least for me.

The Dr. estimates she'll have about 10-12 mature eggs. I don't want to quibble but does that sound "loaded" to you? To me "loaded" means like in the realm of 20 or more. Don't get me wrong....10-12 is amazing and more that I ever produced. With each IVF they got 7 eggs...four of which were mature...so I had 8 mature eggs over 2 IVF's. Ten -12 is super. I know it's not all about the numbers...it's about the quality. If those are mostly viable then we'd have more than enough. Who needs 15 embryos on ice that we can never use? Not me. I just want enough for 2 kids. Yes, I am a greedy bitch. I want siblings for Piccolina. I want more than one child from the donor so that they have each other. I want to have enough kids that they crowd us out of our bed on Sunday mornings. I want enough kids to fill up my nearly empty mini van. I want.

All I'm saying is that my Re should probably get a dictionary and a thesaurus because 10 is not loaded. It's good. Not Loaded. I'm not being greedy (ok a little greedy)it's more an issue of word use and expectation management.

It's so hard to manage expectations when doing a donor cycle. I was great at managing them when using my own eggs. I knew the odds were against me. It just seems like when you go to your plan c, a plan I never planned on, it should work. It should just work (twice).

I'm already trying to figure out how I will get a Beta on Thanksgiving...how and where I will get the follow-up Beta when I am out of town. How pregnant would I be at Christmas (8 weeks) and wondering if I would break my rule of not telling until at least 10 weeks (and 2 viability scans) because all the family will be in town and it would be so great to announce it then. Realizing that the worst of my morning sickness would happen in January when things are slow for me at work. Then I worry I am getting too excited. Too confident.

I did only buy a 1-month supply of my pre-natal vitamins..so you know...I do have some sense that this might not work. Sometimes my feet are on the ground.

But each time the Dr. calls me and tells me how great things look I hang up my i-phone and I can feel my face doing something strange. A sensation I vaguely remember. I thinks it's called smiling. I even cried yesterday when he told me that things were going so well. Cried becasue I was happy. Who does that? I'll tell you who. Happy people. Why the heck am I so happy? A dozen eggs on an u/s does not necessarily mean a baby in my arms. It's still so far away. It might not happen.

I want. And for once it feels like it might happen. It doesn't feel like such a long shot.

15 comments:

soapchick said...

OMG you are sooooo close to this happening! 10-12 mature eggs is AWESOME!! I feel very positive about all of this peevme! It is going to work!

Jojobee said...

This is great news! I don't know why clinics tell us the numbers of follicles, it just freaks us out! My 2nd cycle all they told me was that we have a lot, never a specific number, so when we got to retrieval, we weren't anticipating a number... Since she hasn't triggered yet, I wouldn't count on 10-12 to be the number, there'll probably be a few more that catch up. Clinics try to get quality, you don't want to have 20+ follices with crappy eggs... I know you know this, we all do, but when we see a "lower" number we freak out... Don't! Things are PERFECT!!!
Many hugs and prayers
Jojobee

renovationgirl said...

THis post made me a tear up a little because I know those contradictory emotions so well. It's terrifying, exhilirating, and terrifying. ;) I wouldn't count the eggs before they hatch...I always had a couple more than they thought I would have...I'm praying that there are plenty healthy, Grade A quality eggs for you to have many, many children!

Jewels said...

I must be happy because I'm cryin and smiling for you, I'm also terrified too - You deserve this so much.
I have my fingers crossed that this will be your time, My heart and chest is so swollen with all the hope I have for you.

jodie38 said...

Woo-hoo!! Quality not quantity!! Sounds gorgeous so far....

Allow yourself to be happy and confident - you've earned it! I'm not sure that a bad result is any worse after trying to be positive. It sucks either way. If you do get a bad result, at least you had a break from the dreading for a while.....that's what I'm working on for myself, at least! Not sure if I can manage it this time around, but I'm gonna try.

Good luck!!

andi said...

Sounds like a load to little old me.

I really hope you get all your wants my dear - and more!!

Good luck.
x

Teresa said...

You know what? It's your turn to be greedy and have your wants dang it. It's your freakin turn. It's gonna happen! Great news is comin your way!

musicmakermomma said...

How exciting, can't wait to hear the numbers as you move along this cycle! I know what you mean about having different expectations from a donor, I guess it isn't fair because she's just a woman too, but she's a young screened hopefully super producer! (unlike myself!) Hoping for just enough. Keep the faith, I'll be thinking of you.

PJ said...

Well, as someone who is like you and never had many eggies, 10 sounds loaded! But yea, 20 sounds really loaded. As in, I cannot imagine!!!

I'm very happy for you, and I hope things keep going well.

Summer said...

I can so understand the greediness. I only ever had a 3-4 follicles at best and when I was told they retrieved 14 eggs (12 mature) from my donor, I felt greedy there weren't more because her follicle updates had pointed to the possibility of more.

Anyway, we ended up with 2 transferred and 4 on ice, so I think your 10-12 is great!

Sky said...

Nothing's guaranteed but donor eggs from a good facility - well, that gives you pretty damned great odds!

I think you'll get your two )and probably more than that).

edie & ella said...

it's great to want. it's awesome to be optimistic...you are so within your rights to be greedy...you deserve to be greedy...hell your paying top dollar for this be greedier than you are...i would.......sam

Brenda said...

Yay! As Jojobee said, 10-12 could be just the right number :) And if you are a greedy bitch, then I am right there with you, because I would like, say, a thousand eggs, or at least a guarantee. How 'bout just a guarantee for two or more babies, going once, twice?

How funny is the world that both our donors are triggering on the same day? Strange internet twinning....Perhaps that will bring us both a dose of much needed luck :)

You mentioned that you have done the math for pregnancy. I am still not there yet...just cannot do it. In fact, I merely skimmed over your timeline because even the thought of it scares me. However, I'm not all doom and gloom. I haven't refilled my stock of maxipads.... Hopefully neither of us will have to worry about that for 9 more months.

Shelli said...

I'm smiling for you too...

because if you succeed it gives me hope that I might too. ((hugs))

clare said...

Thanks for your comment.. I really hope you need to buy some extra prenatals!! Smile and enjoy these days, whatever happens they are precious. You're in my thoughts!