Ladies and Gentlemen let me introduce you to Martinez

I am the Sexual Harassment Officer for my College. What expertise does my PH.D in Education and my substantial statistical training lend to my being a sexual harassment officer? None. I have no training in sexual harassment whatsoever other than the standard training all managers get. All I really have to do is follow our outdated and poorly written policy, spend hours interviewing complainants, respondents, witness, spend more hours typing up my notes, do my best to show the proper amount of empathy and professionalism...piece of cake. Mostly, I am there to make sure the College does not get sued. If you don't follow up on every complaint or suspected violation...you can get sued. If you are sloppy and don't take good notes...you can get sued. If you do not act in professional manner with the complainants, respondents and witnesses...you can get sued.

Why they tasked me with such weighty responsibilities I have no idea. Oh, wait. I do. It was my first week on the job and someone with more seniority wanted to get it off her desk. And then I had to go and do such a good job that not only have I retained my title for nearly 10 years I get side-jobs from HR when they need an independent investigator. Yep, I'm the go-to gal for all things creepy and just "not right". Which sucks becasue it's all in addition to my real job. The job I am actually qualified for (mostly).

As you might imagine I have many uncomfortable meetings with people. My absolute favorites are when I have to interview older, male co-workers followed closely by the weeping female student. Think of a male co-worker of yours. OK, now think of asking him, "is it true you had oral sex in the parking lot last week?". It gets even more hysterical if you know that I am super hot! Well, hot for an institutional researcher. I know, big fish little pond. It's pretty-much awkward no matter how you look at it but even more awkward given I'm the last person a guy wants to have find out just how pervy he is.

Once I was interviewing a very nice young lady about a very uncomfortable thing and she is nervous and upset. I'm doing my best to empathize and be professional all at once. It's a fine line I might add. I also have to take copious notes in case I get sued. I can write notes with one hand while handing them a tissue with the other. It's harder than it looks and it can come off as insincere in less-experienced hands. I have to say things like, "I don't want to make this any harder for you but when you walked in on the janitor were his pants around his knees or ankles? I need you to be specific." Hey, I need details. And when they come forth I record then on my notepad while maintaining eye-contact and nodding sympathetically. We're talking mad-skills here.

While I'm interviewing her my phone rings and the caller ID tells me it is my Dr.s office. My Dr. has never called me. It must be important.

This was back in the early days of infertility I was getting all my tests done so I could start treatment.

I apologize to the student and take the call.

The nurse says, "We have been waiting for you to get an HSC. When do you think you are going to do that?" I was a bit stunned seeing as how I did it 2 months prior.

I said, " I did it already in January."

She the asked," Um, where did you get that done?"

All I could think of was, "Um, in my vagina, where do you think?" but seeing as how I had the sexually harassed student in my office and I don't want to get sued by being unprofessional I said, "Um, in the usual place".

The nurse replied, "in Martinez or Walnut Creek?"

I said, "Oh you mean which hospital? Walnut Creek".

And so, ladies and gentlemen, that is why I refer to my vagina as Martinez. It's either that or Walnut Creek and, let's face it, Walnut Creek is a stupid name for a vagina.

Digital HPT, I have no use for you

Hit a bit of a snag in my "pee on everything until beta" plan. Mr. Peeveme bought digital tests. No wonder they were so expensive. I like the analog version so I can compare line darkness. I know they say it's not supposed to mean anything but we all know it does. So I guess it's more of a "pee an anything analog until beta" plan.

I did pee on the digital this morning. It told me "yes". Which I already know but what I need to know is "how much?". "More than yesterday? I bought some analog tests so I will probably be taking one soon so as to preserve the integrity of my pre-beta pee regiment.


Mr. Peeveme wanted me to return the digitals. I was like, "Why? I can pee on these too." If you are a stick and you are in my vicinity I'm peeing on you. Your digital status wont save you. Mr. Peevme thought it was a waste of money. And I was like, "You need to stop. You need to stop right now. I need this. We spent 60K this year on IVF's so what's $20 especially if it makes me feel more secure. " And then he made a face and did a little smart-ass dance.

He's going to be so mad when he sees I bought more tests. Ah. Then it will be my turn to do a smart-ass little dance.

Oh No she Didn't!

Oh yes I did! I have lost my ever-lovin' mind and installed a pregnancy widget.


Let's review:
11Dpo...
spotting...
widget....

Cuz I'm all "living on the edge" like that.


Since I can't drink, fight, get a tattoo or BASE jump I gotta get my kicks somehow.

JK...I have never BASE jumped.

And for my next trick I might not buy tampons during this week's grocery story run. HELL YA!

Plus I love how creepy the widget is this early.

6dp5dt (11dpo) Second pee-still positive

Happy, no elated to report that today's pee stick revealed an even darker line.
Must re-order PIO before Thanksgiving Holiday.
Dh appalled by the price of HPT's.





I can't believe this is happening. For once I mean that in a good way.

___________________________________

6pm
hmmm..brown spotting.
I'm calling it implantation spotting.

5dp5dt (10DPO) -First pee

Faint Positive. Wait...let me check it for the 100th time. Yep, faint positive. Confirmed by DH.
Must go buy more HPT.

I can pee at any time

Hey,

I just realized that since I did not take a trigger shot I can PAOS at any time. So I can either 1) brace myself or 2) try to arrange for a second Beta while out of town. This information would also allow me to either 1) drink on Thanksgiving or 2) try to order more meds before the pharm and delivery company take a holiday leaving me with nothing to shoot into my ass.

No matter how you cut it this is valuable information.


Let's see.....I am 3dp5dt (8dpo). I could start peeing on Sunday which would be 5dp5dt (10dpo). Ok, Sunday it is.

Wow, the 5dt is a trip. It's hardly a wait at all.

I am really trying to brace myself for a BFN. I'd rather be pessimistic and then pleasantly surprised than falsely optimistic and then get slammed. With the later I just feel stupid on top of sad. And I hate feeling stupid. At least when I am pessimistic I have the "I was right!" to buoy me. I know, I am a sick, sick know-it-all.

I have found that I am really optimistic week 1 of the 2 ww and than get pessimistic in the 2nd week. But with the 5dt it's pretty much just the first week. So I'm stuck in optimism mode. Usually by 10DPO I'm already thinking it didn't work so that BFN is easier to deal with. Quick, someone throw some water on my hopes.

Elective Single Embryo Transfer: An Agonizing Decision

First I'll cut to the chase. Second I will take you through my agonizing decision-making process in which I weigh my options, try to rise above, yet acknowledge, the emotionality of the circumstances and use logic and statistics to arrive at my ultimate course of action (as usual). Also, I express my frustration with people and do a little rant (as usual).

8 out of 12 made it to blast.
I have one in me and the rest were frozen.
Half of all retrieved eggs (16) turned into blasts.
The Donor has really good quality eggs. Since she was not a "proven" donor I was a bit worried. For not!

So why only 1? To tell the truth it's really hard to transfer one given how much I want this NOW and the fact that single transfers are not done that often (yet).

I really, really agonized about this and was not sure what I would do until I was in that transfer chair. But in the end I felt it was the responsible thing to do.

Lets review the stats of donor egg outcomes from my clinic:

Transferring 2 -blasts:
75-80% chance of pregnancy
50% of these will be twins


Transferring 1:
40-50% chance of pregnancy
0 % chance of twins


I think most people focus on the BFP rate. I mean, transferring two does have the greatest chance of a BFP. By transferring one I have a good chance of not getting pregnant this cycle and if you haven't noticed this year has sucked reproductively speaking and I really, really want and need a BFP. (Did that run-on sentence better convey my desperation than one with proper punctuation?) I wont die if I don't get a BFP in a week. I wont die physically but emotionally...it would be a tough blow. So I "get it"that transferring two is the thing most people want to do. Me too. I want to optimize my chances of a BFP now. But then I get to that second statistic: Chance of twins. And this is where I have to stop being emotional and try to be logical.

The risks associated with carrying multiples are real. I think most people are blissfully unaware of this. I, like them, used to be like that. I used to think that the only thing about twins is that it's much more work than a singleont but it's twice as exciting. After being baby-starved, two all at once sounde pretty good to me. But over the years I have read many blogs where a multiple pregnancy did not go well. The outcomes range from really scary to down right tragic. Of course, most of the time it turns out just fine but the times it does not are crushing.

From what I have seen other people experience I believe a best-case scenario for me carrying twins would go like this:

Increased fatigue and morning sickness
When I was pregnant with Picolinna I found fatigue and morning sickness to be debilitating. Lifting my head off my pillow was darned near impossible. Twins usually increases fatigue and morning sickness.

Increased risk of Pre-mature Labor and Delivery:
On average twins are born 5 weeks earlier than singletons bringing with it all the risks of pre-mature birth.

Other increased complications:
Other conditions such as preeclampsia, placental dysfunction, and TTTS are more prevalent in twin pregnancy and increase the risk of an early delivery.


Increased risk of bed-rest
Since right now my income is our only reliable income my career is super important for our family. Going on unpaid leave is just not an option.



I have no reason to believe that I would have a harder time with twins than anyone else other than I'm short. I have seen many people, short and tall, carry twins successfully. Usually, twins are just fine. But after how hard I have worked to get here do I want to risk it? And what would I be risking it for? Because I can't wait? Because I need to be pregnant now? I want to be pregnant as much as anyone but I wont die if I have to do a FET. If I was pregnant with twins on the other hand....one or both of them might die and I can not live with that level of risk. My goal is a live birth, not just a pregnancy.

Now, with my eggs, which were not high quality, I did transfer two but with high quality embryos the risk of multiples is just too high for me. My RE just attended a conference in which "paper after paper" examined high quality-single embryo transfer vs. transferring two and each came to the conclusion that over time, success rate are the same but with single you avoid the risk. Single embryo transfer of high quality blasts seems to be the emerging trend (or so he thinks).

I know some readers are carrying twins or transferred two embryos. In no way is this a criticism of your decision. This is my thought process. Again, the vast majority of the time twins are perfectly healthy. I just know how much anxiety I have with a singleton pregnancy. No way could I handle the increased level of anxiety that would come along with twins. I am fully supportive of people making their own reproductive decisions provided they are informed.

So there you have it. Wanted to transfer two. Ended up transferring one. Hard, hard choice. In a week from now I may wish I had done it differently but I can live with that more than I could live with a multiple pregnancy gone south no matter how remote that possibility is. I am going to be a mother again. It just may take a month or two longer than I originally anticipated.


Which brings us to my rant. I seem to have to justify transferred 1 to people (husband, sisters). It makes me mad becasue I agonized over this and I think I did the responsible thing instead of the emotional thing. I think I showed remarkable restraint and to be getting second guessed instead of applauded makes me all crazy-mad. Instead of feeling like I have a slam-dunk going on here I know my chances are about 50/50. I am possibly looking at a FET (and an additional 3-4K) instead of a trip to the OB. And yet, I still chose a single becasue I felt it was the responsible thing to do even if I WANTED to transfer two. It's like criticizing someone on a diet for not eating the whole piece of pie when it took every ounce of will power to just have the one bite.


I'm not looking for you to tell me that I did it all right. I'm just sorting things out in my mind. Maybe after ranting I will be better able to calmly explain this to the next poor sap who asks why I only transferred one.

I was really counting on this cycle being the BFP. Now I have to start preparing myself that it might not work out this time. Eventually it will. It's not a race I'm trying to win. In fact, this is not about me at all. In some ways I feel like I have made the first decision for the welfare of these children.


_________________________________________________________


BTW: I'm not sure about what I will do with the FET. Those success rates are 30% for single. That would be a 60% chance of pregnancy transferring two. If 50% of those are twins (not sure if that is how it works) the chance of twins is less than with fresh so maybe my thought process would change given those stats. Also, if this cycle does not work there may be something about me and my uterus that makes implantation harder so transferring more than one might make more sense.

____________________________________________________

Crap, I have to add something else (this is really taking the wind out of my "How deep and wonderful am I"? statement at the end).

If I only had 3 or so blasts I probably would have transferred two. I hope to have two children from this cycle. I have 7 more on ice to FET with. Many chances. If I had only a few chances I would have wanted to maximize the fresh cycle. The lower success rates of the FET seem to be ameliorated by the large number of frozen embryos.

Dear Donor

Below you will find my letter to the donor. It's not a world-shattering work of prose. I wanted her to know something about us so it reads a bit like a bio. It's hard to be profound when listing demographic information about yourself. I also went for a "time capsule" approach instead of something that would remain relevant over the years. I wanted something that would bring her back to this day and her original motivations in case she ever had second thoughts. I also wanted her to know why we chose her, the type of life we live, what type of parents we are and how grateful we are to her without getting too sappy. Mostly I wanted her to get a "feel" for who I am....without all the cussing.




Dear Donor,

It has always felt weird to me that I get to know so much about you and you don’t get to know anything about us. While I understand the nature of anonymous donation I also wanted you to have some sense of who we are, why we chose you and how grateful we are.

I have been dealing with infertility for the past 6 years. At 38 it’s a difficult realization that my ovaries are just not going to produce any more children. I grew up in large family and just assumed I would be able to have lots of kids. While donor eggs was certainly not our first choice, once I realized it was the only way we could build our family, it was an easy decision. While I morn the loss of a genetic link to my future child I am so excited to create this life and can’t wait to expand my family. As a mother, you know the love you have for your child is indescribable even before they are born.

We both grew up in the Bay Area and plan on staying here. My mother was a teacher (as was her mother) and my parents have been married for almost 50 years. My parents were strict and traditional and made many sacrifices for us kids. I could not have asked for better parents and I still rely on their advice and love. I talk to at least one of my siblings everyday (two brothers and two sisters). I have 7 nieces and nephews. All the cousins love to play with each other and have sleep-overs. I want my children to be part of that extended family.

My husband immigrated to America when he was 6 but has strong ties to his home country and I have been lucky enough to visit there twice. As a family we plan on taking our children to his home country often. His parents have also been married for almost 50 years and are two of the nicest, hardest-working people I have ever met. He has two siblings both of whom have children so there are plenty of cousins on both sides. In their culture they absolutely love children and make them the center of their world. My husband speaks Italian in the home and we hope our children will be bi-lingual.

Aside from the physical characteristics (small fame, brown hair, similar facial features) I wanted a donor who was mixed Native American. I am American Indian from a California tribe. It has been a large part of my life. My mother is Mexican-Native American. We were raised with those cultures and religion (as much as possible in the sub-urbs) and as an adult I am involved in my tribe and the American Indian community. Finding a donor who is part Native was important to me.

In deciding on egg donation I had to really examine my motivation to be a mother and what it means to be a parent. Although it’s been painful I think it has made me a better mother. I have cottoned to the idea that my children are individuals who should be allowed to be whoever they are. They are not mini versions of me and my husband. I want to guide my children....not replicate myself. I want to love, teach and watch my children grow into the persons they want to be. I want to be proud of my children...not proud of little parts of myself. I want for my children to be good, compassionate people living meaningful, productive and happy lives. If we can do that for our children I will consider us successful parents.

I believe that children have a right to know where they came from. We do plan on telling our child(ren) about you. I tear up every time I read what you wrote to them. When it’s time they will know as much about you as I do. You are connected to them and I know they will be curious when they are older. And while I know it’s a long way off and I’m probably not even allowed to write this: I would be honored to meet you some day. And when the children are old enough and if they choose to I would welcome the opportunity for you to meet them. Ideally, we would like to have two children from this cycle. Perhaps that is being a bit greedy but I feel like it would be easier to have two so that they have each other. With two they would have someone who shared 100% of their genetics and could relate to their life experience. It’s impossible to know how this will all turn out but that is what we are hoping for.

And now for the impossible part: thanking you. It’s just not possible to express how grateful we are. I’m writing this the night before your retrieval. I’m sure you are sore and nervous and sick of getting ultra sounds and blood tests. You might be excited or you might be wondering what the heck you got yourself into. I’m sorry for any discomfort you are in.

Since you are a mom I imagine you can understand how grateful we are. I think only a mother can know how much it means. It’s been such a long and difficult road for us. I do believe it has made us stronger as a couple and better parents. I hope you never have doubts about being a donor. But if you do I hope this letter sustains you through those times. I can’t imagine that a single day will go by when I don’t think of you and say a silent prayer for you.

With overwhelming gratitude,

The Recipient

Day 3 Fert Report

Out of 12 there are 11 still in the running.

9- 7/8 celled
2- 5 celled
1- 4 cell

The 4 cell is pretty much out and I don't hold out much hope for the 5's either but it does happen. We still have 9 doing well. The past day has been so easy because I was sure this report would be good. I have no idea what to expect after day 3. Never had the chance to go to day 5. So the wait until Tuesday will be a bit harder but I have every reason to be optimistic. It's a very different experience from my past 2 IVFs' in which I was worried I'd have nothing to trasnfer at day 3. Worrying if you'll have aything to transfer on day 3 is different from wondering how many blastocycts you'll have on day 5. Still breathing.

1st fert report

can't talk now. In a meeting. Sending this update from my iPhone. 12 fertilized. We have 12! 5 day transfer is assured. Next fert report is Sunday afternoon. I'm just breathing. In fact, I'm breathing much easier now. A lot still could happen but the stats are on my side for once.

Egg Retrieval Update

I woke up this morning and thought, "What a wonderful day for my husband to inseminate the genetic material of a perfect stranger". And so it was.


They got 16 eggs. I do believe that is the sweet spot of egg retrieval.

Dr. also said to count on a 5 day transfer! I get a call on Friday to let me know how many fertilized and then a call on Sunday with an appointment time for the transfer and some cell counts.

Also, Dr. is leaning towards transferring a single. 40-50% chance of pregnancy (instead of 80%) but less risk of twins. We'll have to see how we feel when we get there given my goal is 2 children from this cycle.

I asked about the Donor and how she was doing. He said she's doing fine. She got our letter and was teary-eyed. YEA! I made her cry! That was certainly not my goal (You guys were right! It's really hard not to get overly sappy in those letters). I just wanted her to know who we are and how grateful we are. Since she cried I think I manged convey that rather effectively.

I may post it. On some levels it feel too personal but then again it might help others considering DE to know how far I have come. From, "Absolutely not for us" to completely embracing it and being so excited to create these lives THIS way. It's such a huge shift from just 6 months ago. Also, not many people actually know me in real life so who cares right? And the few who I do know IRL are people I adore and trust.


I thought I'd be a bit sad today being all left out of the festivities. But no, I seem to be fine. Happy, in fact. I do miss all the pampering though. The hot-air robe, the warn blanket, someone drawing circles on my ass and then a day of bed rest. Even though I have never needed to rest I did it anyway.


In less than 24 hours I'll get the next update. That should really give some idea about egg quality. Is it too much to hope for say......9 to fertilize? I think that sounds pretty realistic. And then we'd have say....5-6 blasts in an ideal scenario. OK enough speculation. Just breath and pray. I'm still not 100% comfortable that I am praying to a God who apparently disagrees with this method of reproduction. So maybe I'll pray in my Native way. I'm pretty sure "Indian" spirits care more about making more Indians rather than how they are made. Seriously people. We Indians have a lot of rebuilding to do demographically speaking.

Hopefully, with my Native donor, we are on our way.

Frequent Thougth Arch

It goes like this:

I start to think about Piccolina and the knowledge woman share with their daughters. The age I got my first period, started to get break-outs, what my PMS is like, what my labor and delivery was like.

The Peeveme women (my mom, my two sisters, aunt) talk very frankly about these things. For example, Peeveme women get pregnant really easily and have super fast L&D's. So fast that babies have almost been delivered in cars. So that's been a part of my story.

And then I get sad becasue if I have a girl from this donor cycle I wont be able to share that with her.

And then I realize how irrelevant it is. Unlike my mothers, my aunt, and my sister I do not get pregnant easily. Both my mother and older sister had a baby, got an IUD put in, then got pregnant with the IUD. Yep. Me? Not so much. No spontaneous pregnancies here.

My L&D lasted forever. I had to be induced (at nearly 42 weeks) and I still pushed for nearly 3 hours. Those particular chunks of Peevme -family wisdom were pretty misleading. When I walked into L&D I was so confident that I'd have this baby in a few hours because Peeveme women have fast labors. 15 hours later, all hopped up on pitocine and pushing my ass inside out I was sobbing, "I'm not a Peevme, I'm not a Peeveme." Bitterly lamenting my unexpectedly long labor. I was supposed to get pregnant easily. I was supposed to shoot a baby out so fast the Dr.s barley have time to suit-up. Genetics mislead me.

Even genetically linked people are unique. So then I think it's not that big of a deal that these children wont be genetically linked to me and move on. End thought arch. Have thought, feel sad, apply reason, feel better.

I keep thinking of little things that make me sad about loosing the genetic link to my children but when I get down to it....the particulars are of little consequence. It's not just one thing. Nothing I can pin down. Nothing I can't dismiss by applying a little logic. But those are just the parts. Not the sum. The sum is still a loss.

I don't think it's any one thing about loosing the genetic link. You can't dissect WHY it's sad. It's just sad. I'm just sad. And then I make the decision not to let those thought linger too long and I move on. Don't get me wrong, I am so excited to do this, I am so excited to create this(ese) child(ren). And yet, there is a sense of loss. I'm learning to be ok with that ambivalence.

But then I worry about the loss my children will feel. It was their loss too. Not just mine. Will they feel robbed of their genetic mother? Will they find genetics irrelevant? Will they be ok with ambivalence?

Loaded Expecations

The donor will likely trigger tonight! Which means ER on Thursday. Starting tonight my medicines change. While this cycle has been going on for weeks and weeks now it feels like it's finally starting for real today. At least for me.

The Dr. estimates she'll have about 10-12 mature eggs. I don't want to quibble but does that sound "loaded" to you? To me "loaded" means like in the realm of 20 or more. Don't get me wrong....10-12 is amazing and more that I ever produced. With each IVF they got 7 eggs...four of which were mature...so I had 8 mature eggs over 2 IVF's. Ten -12 is super. I know it's not all about the numbers...it's about the quality. If those are mostly viable then we'd have more than enough. Who needs 15 embryos on ice that we can never use? Not me. I just want enough for 2 kids. Yes, I am a greedy bitch. I want siblings for Piccolina. I want more than one child from the donor so that they have each other. I want to have enough kids that they crowd us out of our bed on Sunday mornings. I want enough kids to fill up my nearly empty mini van. I want.

All I'm saying is that my Re should probably get a dictionary and a thesaurus because 10 is not loaded. It's good. Not Loaded. I'm not being greedy (ok a little greedy)it's more an issue of word use and expectation management.

It's so hard to manage expectations when doing a donor cycle. I was great at managing them when using my own eggs. I knew the odds were against me. It just seems like when you go to your plan c, a plan I never planned on, it should work. It should just work (twice).

I'm already trying to figure out how I will get a Beta on Thanksgiving...how and where I will get the follow-up Beta when I am out of town. How pregnant would I be at Christmas (8 weeks) and wondering if I would break my rule of not telling until at least 10 weeks (and 2 viability scans) because all the family will be in town and it would be so great to announce it then. Realizing that the worst of my morning sickness would happen in January when things are slow for me at work. Then I worry I am getting too excited. Too confident.

I did only buy a 1-month supply of my pre-natal vitamins..so you know...I do have some sense that this might not work. Sometimes my feet are on the ground.

But each time the Dr. calls me and tells me how great things look I hang up my i-phone and I can feel my face doing something strange. A sensation I vaguely remember. I thinks it's called smiling. I even cried yesterday when he told me that things were going so well. Cried becasue I was happy. Who does that? I'll tell you who. Happy people. Why the heck am I so happy? A dozen eggs on an u/s does not necessarily mean a baby in my arms. It's still so far away. It might not happen.

I want. And for once it feels like it might happen. It doesn't feel like such a long shot.

Smarty pants

When being prepped for egg retrieval they ask you to tell them in your own words why you are there. I guess they want to make sure you understand you are going into egg retrieval and not duped into it with false promises of bigger boobs or something. So the pre-nurse asked me this. I said "egg retrieval for IVF" and then she had me sign a document. The document read "vaginal aspiration of oocytes". I filed that little piece of information away should I ever need it.

Luck should have it not 10 minutes later the anesthesiologist came in and asked me the same question. I dead-panned "vaginal aspiration of oocytes". She looked at me funny and I just played it off like that's what I always say.

Cycle update

Went in for my E2/lining check this morning. Lining is about 7.8. I still have more than a week before transfer so that looks great.

The Dr. called me yesterday. The donor is "loaded". He would not give me any hard numbers since it's still a bit early (stim day 7-ish). The earliest trigger would be Sunday but more likely Tuesday-ish. Which means Thursday-ish ER. Which means a 5 day transfer on Tuesday-ish (Nov 18th). Is it over-confident to think 5- day? Is it over-confident to have saved an extra grand for freezing?

I did ask about hyper-stim cuz I'd hate for that to happen to her. Even a mild case is really hard. I had a mild-moderate case last year and it was the worst pain I have ever felt (expect for my induced but otherwise natural labor and delivery...what was I thinking?...I'll have to post about that experience someday.) He said he didn't think she was in danger of that. She's just responding really well...but not too well.

Post Election

Today I am proud to be an American. That has been a rare thing for as long as I can remember (I so "get" you Michelle Obama)

Today I am ashamed to be a Californian. I am saddened and angered that the majority of people in this state feel discrimination needs to be written into the constitution. I am disgusted.