Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Muffler

Gas is a fact of life. When you are pregnant it is the bane of your existence. It's not just the increased volume and's the resonance.

I used to think, "Oh come on! If you really wanted to you could control it". And I was determined not to be one of "those" women who loudly pass gas and blame it on being pregnant. You have a sphincter, use it.

And then, one day at about 20 weeks pregnant, to my horror, I found myself farting involuntarily and very audibly as I walked around T.arget.

I devoted a lot of thought to my new cacophonous state. Maybe I had gotten fat enough that the increased volume of my butt cheeks was creating additional reverberation. After conducting an experiment to test my hypothesis I had to reject it (you don't want to know but perhaps you can imagine). Still noisy. My current and leading theory is increased volume coupled with an ineffective sphincter due to the relaxin is the cause of the audible flatulence. I have yet to determine a proper methodology for a research protocol.

As you know I have been at two conferences in the past two weeks. That's a lot of peeing in public bathrooms right next to colleagues and newly acquired professional acquaintances (who I might like to work for some day). I'm not squeamish about someone hearing me pee. I can hear them too. However, the audible gas is totally embarrassing but what's a gal, who has lost her ability to pass them silently, to do?

I am here to share with you my solution. I call it: The Muffler. Some people may think this TMI but I feel it's a public service especially for the pregnant, sphincter impaired or just plane gassy. The muffler is a simple device made of balled up toilet paper. A puff of toilet paper held firmly against the anal sphincter will muffle, if not completely silence, most gas. I have no idea if I invented this or if other people do it (although I can tell you from experience that not everyone knows how to do this...and they should).

And the muffler is not just good for public bathrooms. How many times have you been in a bathroom in someone's home say, at a party, where the walls were a little thin and people were just outside? It works in that situation as well.

I just wish I could find a solution for when I'm walking around T.arget.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Traveling, Missing My little Girl and I'm Really PregnanL

I just got back last night from San Diego. Since Piccolina is at her grandparent's house and Mr. Peeveme was at late meeting I did not see them. I did see Mr. Peeveme this morning. Tonight we are going to pick up our little girl. Not seeing her since Tuesday is hard. I miss her so much but I am glad I have in-laws who will take just as good of care (probably better) of her as we would and she loves them and never once cries for us. It's much harder on me than it is on her.

I leave again on Sunday morning. Destination: Tempe, AZ. Return on Tuesday night. So my posting and commenting will again be sparse-but I will read when my allows.

I shall miss my little girl (and feel like a terrible mother).

When I return I have my level 2 u/s. I can't believe it's time to find out gender. It seems too early. I'm not ready to start thinking about all the concrete stuff like names, day care, setting up for a new baby. I'm still trying to accept that I am really pregnant.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Karma market

Like many of you I don't think karma is a win- sum game and I don't do good thinks for some type of future reward. Being kind or generous is it's own reward. It has to be. I mean $3 for a kidney? Is karma that cheap?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Nice Karma Story

My apologies for not reading or commenting. I will be out of town most of this week and then most of next week as well. I will try to keep up on my reading but commenting will be little to none.

A few commenters to my last post mentioned getting paid back for doing something nice via the universe. I wonder if I already had my good stuff and now I am paying back with nice deeds. Or maybe the woman who hit my car is really great and this is her payback? It's a chicken and egg thing.

It got me think about something that happened years ago. I love this story so I thought I'd share. I also think it's a nice post to leave up since I most likely wont be posting for a few days

I was standing in line at the supermarket. I was behind a lady who had exactly two items in her basket: Advil, Maxi-pads. She was in sweat pants, no make-up, and looked tried. When the cashier rang up her items she was short. Like really short. Not .50 cents short ..more like 3 dollars short. I see her looking at her items, then her money (for some reason she didn't have a wallet...just cash). I could tell she was trying to decide which one to put back. To me, both items seemed pretty important so I handed her a few bucks and told her it was on me. I couldn't stand by and make a women choose between relief and sanitation.

After paying for her items she told me:

"Thank you again. I just gave a kidney to my sister. I guess it's true what they say about karma."

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

No Worse for the Wear (Maybe even Better)

I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when I got a call from our Security Department. Someone had hit my car in the parking lot. In fact, they said it was a "hit n' run". "Fuck me", I said as I put on my coat and borrowed an umbrella to go check out the damage. The last thing we need right now is a car repair bill since we are teetering on the financial brink right now.

I arrive at the scene of the crime and ask the Security Office, "Who hits a parked car?" I then realized that the driver was standing there (so much for hit n' run or maybe they came back....I never did find out). She was in tears. I felt like shit for compounding how stupid she probably felt.

I inspect the damage. Scratches, no dents. Some will probably rub out but my driver's side bumper is noticeably scratched. My car is 3 years old which is brand new to me. I drive cars until they fall apart and then I get a roll of duct tape and keep on driving. Mr. Peeveme's car has about 200K on it. Mt last car was well over 140K, then we let me step son drive it and now we have lent it to my brother who has fallen on hard times. So while I'm not a slave to car-imagine I do try to keep my car nice because I will be driving it forever.

After inspecting the damage I look at the woman who hit me. She also hit the car next to me and that bumper was dented and really scratched. She was shaking and she was pushing back tears. She's saying how sorry she is in accented English. And I realize she is having a really bad day...perhaps the worst day of her year. I know I would be upset if I damaged two cars. I realized she needed a break.

I announce that it's not that bad and I don't need to fix it and didn't need to pursue it. She thanked me repeatedly. She was so anxious and practically distraught. I ended up trying to comfort her: It can happen to anyone, I'd be upset too but in the long run it's not a big deal, You seem really upset, is there anything I can do for you?". I think I even gave her a little hug.

I called Mr. Peevme and he was not mad but not happy. What if the damage is worse than I think? He also thought that if the other car was going to put in a claim then it wouldn't really make it worse to get our car fixed. I just asked him how many times we keep saying that we never get a break? Why can't thing just be easier for us? Well I just made someone's life easier and it didn't cost me a thing...not really.

I guess I am especially sensitive since our financial status is extremely bad and man, would I love someone to give me a break. And suddenly I was in that power position. I could give her a break...or I could make her fix minor cosmetic damage on my car. I was the person who could make this awful day for her a little less bad.

I hope when I see those scratches I will be reminded to look for opportunities to be THAT person. The one who makes life easier.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

What not to Write to Your Boss

I got nothing. Nothing to blog about. I found this little note in my files and decided to post it becasue again....I got nothing.

It was bosses day and I had told my boss I didn't get her a card becasue I was not kiss-ass. Well, lo and behold one the Administrative Assistants pick-up and extra card for me to give to my new boss. Of course, my boss would know that I didn't actually have the forethought to get a card (sine I had just told her that I did not get her one) and that this was the work of a quick thinking Admin Assistant. I knew "looking bad" was in my future. So in my usual blurter-style I composed to following:

BTW: My new boss is AWESOME. I have been meaning to post about how great work has been (from a boss stand-point, co-workers can be another story).

Apparently I did get you a card for Boss' Day. (Note to self: get a card for a certain someone on Secretary’s Day. Also, find out when Secretary’s Day is.) Lest you think this a hollow, obligatory and not heart-felt gesture let me remind you about the Oatmeal this morning. That’s love, right there. (Her oatmeal exploded in the microwave that morning and I cleaned it up for her since she was rushing off to a meeting)
All kidding aside, I am very excited about the future since you have come to College Name and into my life. I find myself anxious to come to work and sometimes wanting to stay longer at night because I am working on some project where I have been trusted to challenge myself and the College to do something new, better and meaningful.
As a non-tangible gift I am enclosing the following quote. Compassion has been a theme for me this year. It’s not something that comes naturally to me and I find it hard to accept from others so these words have been a guiding force for me. I know how you love quotes.
There are times when a little compassion goes a long way. The key is discerning when you need it and when you need to give it. Those two different occasions often feel the same.
Peeveme, worker-bee, visionary

Friday, February 6, 2009

Parting Thought

A few of the blogs I love to read have posted something about this alarming and moronic article.

I wont be arguing her point because she doesn't have one. It's illogical to the extreme. I can't even begin to dissect all the medical, logical and ethical fallacies involved.

My only commentary is as follows:

I have written posts about crapping myself that have more intellect, compassion and accuracy.

Have a good weekend everyone.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Lying About my Age

I lie about my age but not in the way most women do. I make myself older. Here's why. I'm 38. If I tell people I'm 29 then they may think I look a bit rough for a 29 year-old. But if I say I'm 40 then they all think I look GREAT! I'd rather people think I look young for my age than old for my age.

I try not to get too caught up in the youth worship. I think every age has it's draw backs and perks and purposes. My 20's were all about accomplishment and identity. My 30's have been about building career and family. I have spent to past 20 yeas just working my ass off trying to create the necessary circumstances for a good life as I define it (satisfying career, good marriage, children, community, culture). In my 40's I hope I can start to enjoy the fruits of all that work. I don't think I am "done" working on career, marriage, family, community and culture but the foundations have been laid. It's time I started to enjoy my life instead of just trying to build my life.

I want my 40's to be about reflection, correction, recreation and fruition. Where have I been? Am I happy with where I am and where I am going? What do I need to change? Am I taking the time to enjoy all that I have? How can I have more fun? I still have a year or so before I'm actually in my 40's but I take a while to come around and change gears.

I'm someone who gets caught up in the details and to-do lists. I run on stress and anxiety. My parents ran on stress and anxiety and while that has certainly gotten me pretty far in life I don't have much fun. I never rest or enjoy life. I just work. I always feel like I am behind where I could be or should be. My house isn't clean enough, my resume doesn't have enough honors, I should gain this or that skill set, I should have had three kids by now. I do love learning, accomplishment and being challenged but I'm always striving; never satisfied. I tell myself that accomplishment = happiness. And while it's certainly satisfying it's not happiness. Perhaps I have been lying to myself. Maybe with increased maturity I can be a little softer. I can be a little kinder to myself and others.

Fun and enjoyment do not come naturally to me. Recreation and begin social actually make me uncomfortable. Funny, out of all my accomplishments in life having fun and enjoying myself may be my biggest challenge.

All you fun and social people out do you do it? What are your secrets? How do you find the time? Is is just natural and can't be learned?

How do you "enjoy" your life. Is it just a state of mind? Am I over thinking this?

And the next time you are asked your age add on a few years and let people tell you how great you look. I promise, it feels nice.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Are You Ready for Some Bitching?

Good Lord. When will I learn? Why do I go to these "suggested" classes? When will I realize that I am far too annoyed by clueless fertile people to be able to sit through their oblivious banter?

This was a course on "having another baby". The leader is the same women who lead all the Hospital courses when I was pregnant with Piccolina and neither DH nor I can stand her. First, her presentations have exactly 4% information and 96% long stories. And, since my time is valuable I can not bear taking two hours to do something that should take 1/2. Drives me bonkers.

But the most annoying part is that during all those long stories she tries to be funny and fails miserably. And the she laughs and laughs at her own jokes. The first time I took her class I thought I must be on some hidden camera show or something because this shit couldn't be real. I got to know her in a different context when I was in a mommy and baby class while I was on maternity leave. She's actually a really nice woman but when she's "on" it's a like fingers on a chalk board. I just can't take her schtik.

So there was that.

But then we get to the "let the moms visit with each other" phase of this multi-tiered torture event. Lordy. Of course, nobody had any trouble getting pregnant. They are all having a 2nd or 3rd child right on cue. Now, I'm already sort of agitated and then I'm thrown in with a bunch of folks who have no idea how amazing all this is. No idea how precarious all this is. No idea that babies don't just fall into your lap whenever you want (at least not for everyone).

I tried, I really did, to be on my best behavior but I can only fight my nature so much. Let's recap shall we?

Fertile #1. I shall call her the "Oprah" becasue she insisted on being our "Leader". I know we all love Oprah on the show but you just know that she never lets anyone else pick the restaurant and always takes shotgun. Anyhow, "Oprah" spoke first and then called on people. WTF? And then commented on each person's response. That's like a 2 to 1 talking/listening ratio. Fact about me: When I see someone doing that I immediately begin to challenge them for the "leadership" position. Not becasue I think I'm better but because I hate when people assume they get to call the shots. Who elected you Mayor? Just a little group-dynamic thing I have going on. Hey Oprah, there are 5 others here. 5 people are certainly able to share their stories without a facilitator. She's on her 3rd child. Her first is 15. Second is 5. She's 33 and talking about how different it is being an "older" mom. 33 as "older". Yea honey, you can kiss my 38-year old- dimpled ass. Since she has a teenager she's all things expert on sibling dynamics which might have been relevant if someone else in the group actually had a teenager (which no one did).

Oh, I almost forgot the best part. She announced that this would be her last pregnancy because after this child they were going to adopt. She's going to be just like Angelina Jolie. I'm not shitting you. She used those words. I bit my tongue hard. I very much wanted to, but did not, proceed to pepper her with questions designed to point out how stupid that flippant comment was. Really? Adoption huh? Domestic or international? What agencies are you considering? What county? Any thoughts on the home study? Do you have any mental illness, obesity or any other things that many countries screen for? Wow, can you or your husband spend to require 3 weeks to 6 month required by most countries? What is your definition of an ethical adoption? And the million other things one must consider about adoption that I have learned from my bloggy friends who are currently or have been down that path. Not that I know everything about adoption but I know enough to know that I don't know jack.

But by all means..."just" adopt.

Fertile #2 Was just not my cup of tea. I shall call her "Me, Me, ME!". She is also on her 3rd child (ages 4 and 2). She got all wistful that this will be her last. Whatever. Cry me a river, egg dropper. She was all kinds of whiny about how you don't get to bring in your family until the last 10 mins. during the Level 2 u/s. I know I'm talking out of a place of fear...and I own that (sarcasm) but for me and other people who have had a m/c, who have lost a baby, are mothers of advanced age, I'm just hoping to see that my baby has a brain or that it's kidneys are on the inside of his body. The technician is a professional who is trying to do their job and by all means I want them to be able to focus and do it well. My gleeful shits and giggles are a secondary concern as are the gleeful shits and giggles of my DH, my toddlers, my MIL, and my cleaning lady.

I, gently as possible, reminded her that this is an important medical screening exam. The technician has dozens of measurements to take on a squirming fetus and that the health of the baby was the primary reason for the u/s not gender identification or a family reunion. Ok I said it slightly nicer than that (maybe).

She was also annoyed by the fact that the hospital has you bring in a urine sample for your appointments. She wants to just do it there at the appointment. I pointed out that if everyone did that it would extend the amount of time needed for each appointment. As it is Dr. s only have a few mins to get from patient to patient. I'd rather carry around some urine than have to wait even longer for my appointment. Her response, "Whatever. It's stupid". And then we exchanged e-mails. (JK)

Sohelpme if I see her in the waiting room and she isn't carrying a vial of pee.....

Let's see. Who else? There was "Tonya Harding" A teaching who told her whole 4th grade glass she was pregnant at 8 weeks. WTF?

There was PYT (Pretty-Young-Thing) who was 6 weeks (she thinks). I will never get used to people not knowing. I know to the day and hour like any self-respecting infertile does.

And last but not least was "Laura Dern". She was 16 weeks and seemed very nice. Actually, the only annoying thing about her was that she did not provide me with ANY ammunition for making fun of her. And that's saying something becasue I'm merciless.

And so concludes my compliance with these suggested courses. I'm sure all the people I would have met would be relieved if they only knew how close they came to being skewered in my blog.

There was one woman who was not in my small group that has been on my mind. She's young...probably 20-ish. Each participant introduced themselves, the number of weeks pregnant they are and how old their other children are. She said she was 10 weeks pregnant and her son was 7 months and she was fighting back tears. And I just wanted to hug her. While I have little patience for clueless infertiles I have a huge amount of empathy for the over fertile. She was clearly overwhelmed. For some reason I wanted to reach out. Since we were in different small groups and I had to leave early I didn't get a chance to. I'm not sure what I would have said or done. Maybe just a kind, reassuring word. Maybe give her my card? I don't know what form it would have taken but I regret I didn't have (or make) the chance. It's not often I get a surge of compassion especially for someone who is pregnant and doesn't want to be. There was just something in her voice, her demeanor that spoke to me. I wish I had just reached out. I dislike that I did nothing. Everyone does nothing. Few people have the courage and compassion to act. I try to be the kind to act. This time I let a chance slip away.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

A Condition So Rare it's Name Must Not Be Spoken (because it does not have one)

I have learned that there is no real medical name for this condition. It's that rare.

The current plan is for me to keep my bladder empty and keep doing the "position". In a few weeks the uterus should grow enough so that it will pass that place on the spine where it's getting struck. I'm sore today. All that pulling and stretching of the cervix and uterus. My bladder feels a bit angry as well.

Next time I can't pee (if there is a next time) I get the catheter which they will leave in.

All in all I am feeling grateful. I am pregnant. There is no danger to the baby. None to me other than discomfort which, as far as I am concerned, pretty-much describes pregnancy.

And Tonya, they did not test me for UTI. I am watching out for it since it think a catheter could certainly cause one. I have an appointment tomorrow. Maybe I will ask them to test me for one. Just in case.

On Monday morning before I went to the DR. I was in agony. Since Mr. Peeveme is out of town I was trying to get my 2 year old ready for the day which usually requires a bit a coxing. She's two. Doesn't want to change her clothes. Doesn't want purple pants..not wait....only wants purple pants after being presented with brown pants ect.

I was telling her, "Mama feels bad. Mama has to go to the Dr. The Dr. has to help mama and baby. Please be good. Mama is sick and needs to go with baby to the Dr."

I didn't really think she could understand all that I was saying. I know she understands when I say I feel bad or sick but I didn't think she understood about going to the Dr.

While we were driving she asked me, "Mama? Baby gonna make it?" My heart soared and sank at the same time. Soared becasue she had empathy for the baby. Sank becasue I worried her. So I assured her that baby was fine. Mama was fine. We just needed some medicine (we call everything medicine including my doppler).

Yesterday I got to see the baby on the u/s. It was brief and I didn't get a print-out (we had other concerns at the time). But I got to see him/her. It's a real baby. It was moving, putting it's hands in it's mouth, rolling over. I know I have done this before but seeing this was no less exciting or awe inspiring than the first time with Piccolina. A few weeks ago it was just a little blob now it's so real.

I really needed to see him/her. I have been feeling somewhat detached lately. I have been all kinds of worried about my detachment (A post is brewing, it's just too chaotic right will take form at some point). I needed to see a baby. Not an embryo, not a schedule, not a pack of BCP. After all the medicine and minutia it took to get here it's easy to forget what the goal looks like. It looks beautiful.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Surgery or Pee bag? What would you do about a Stuck Uterus* With update

Ok I need you thoughts/experiences/internet research/2 bit opinions.

Let me start by saying baby is fine. I am fine. Everyone is fine. Nobody's life is in danger. I just have some rare condition that presents itself at this stage of gestation and I need to fix it ASAP. Stuck Uterus.

Starting last Thursday (today is Monday) I began to notice I was having trouble peeing. I'd have to go...felt a big bladder but just couldn't pee. Not every time. I would pee later but it took a lot of pushing and concentration. I noticed I felt like I had to pee a lot more often and then not a lot would come out. Sometimes nothing would come out. I thought I was developing a UTI and decided I'd would call on Monday and get the meds to fix it. I increased my water intake so that I would be flushing out my bladder and reducing the amount of bacteria in there.

But I was missing one symptom of UTI. It didn't burn or hurt to pee.

Last night I was really uncomfortable. My belly was distended but no pee. I was up at least 10-12 times last night. Never a pee. Just a belly getting bigger and bigger. I was in agony. Not real "pain" but that feeling of having to pee and that your bladder is going to blow. So not pain but certainly agony. I stopped drinking water because I realized that I was putting it in but none was coming out; making my discomfort worse.

I got a urgent appointment this morning. They finally decided to catheterize me. Never in my life did I think I would say the words "For God's sake could somebody please catheterize me already!?" The Dr. and nurse kept saying , "Oh my God, You poor thing. I can't believe you weren't writhing in pain". Which I was when I was alone. I don't writhe in public. Of course, I started crying during the catheter becasue I was so relieved. They had to get a second receptacle I had so much pee. Over a liter which, I guess, is a lot of pee.

Ok so the immediate problem is solved. My bladder is empty. That should help for a few hours.

I have a retrograde uterus. It falls back (towards my back) instead of front. In rare cases as the uterus grows it can get caught on the spine. Mine is really stuck and it's closed off my urethra. When my bladder is full it pushes the uterus even further back into the spine.

Dr A is awesome. She tried and tried but could not get it to flip (not a pleasant procedure BTW). At one point I was on my knees with her had up my nether regions. What a trooper.

She thinks she mights have gotten it but if not sure. It feels "looser" but the uterus is still really tipped back.

We are taking the wait and see plan. I drink. If I pee it's probably going to be fine. If I do not pee by 3pm I go back there and get another catheter.

Then have to decide and here is where I need your opinions.

Option A (Standard Care): Epidural and manual manipulation (fingers up the who-ha). Much like I already had three times today but I would be numb so they could try harder.

Option B (Experimental Care) Have a catheter for a few days (i.e. walk around with a bag of pee strapped to my leg). Twice a day get on my knees, put, my shoulders to the ground and let gravity do it's thing. I also get to wiggle and rock in the position for 15 mins. If it doesn't work I still have Option A.

At this point I am leaning towards Option A becasue I know it would be done with. I also don't see how I can live with a pee bag. How does one sleep, bath, give a presentations to the Board of Trustees (yea I have to do that on Tuesday cannot be rescheduled and by state law this presentation must occur). But I have never had an epi so I'm not clear on how the recovery is or any risks to me (I'm pretty sure there is no risk to baby-right? Well, none from the epi...but what about the manual manipulation?) If Option A is unreasonably risky I will try Option B first.

While Option B is more conservative(which I am in favor of in general) there is no guarantee. I might need the epi anyhow.

I'm loath to take extra risks but three days of a pee bag with no guarantee...sheesh. Since mine seems to be "really stuck" that might mean the wiggle method has less of a chance of working. But I have no stats to go by. No experience (either mine or other people's).

Also, just to make things extra fun...Mr. Peeveme is out of town all week. I have in-laws ready to take Piccoliona for the week. My parents are warming up the minivan to come a take care of me if I have the surgery.

So, what would you do What would be your considerations. What are your experiences with epidurals? Have you had this? Do you know anyone who has?

Finger crossed that I pee!


I peed! Unassisted! All by myself. At first it was hard but I'm getting better at it all the time. Dr. A. spoke with the other Dr.s (none of who have had more than a few cases of this in their careers). The consensus seems to be that if I can keep my bladder empty and do my exercises the uterus will grow to the front and it should be fine in a couple of weeks. If I do freeze up again they will catheterize me, teach me to do it to myself, and leave it in there. The Epi/hand manipulations will be left to the last resort. It seems that Dr. A turned the uterus just enough so that I can pee. Also, not having a bladder the size of a bolling ball probably helps. It still seems tilted but it may not be caught. If I keep my bladder empty it should not get caught again. If the bladder gets big it will push the uterus back into the spine.

Self-catheterizing sounds awful but if you are in agony you'll do anything to stop it. I swear to you I was in such agony this morning that if I had a hand mirror and some rubber tubing I WOULD have done it to myself.

And since Dr. A semi-turned my uterus I'm showing. Yesterday I was wearing my regular pants and not showing at all. Now I am am showing and fitting into my smaller maternity pants.

Thanks for all you kinds words, concern and thoughts on my dilemma. It does mean a lot to me that I can turn to you guys in a time of anxiety and for advice.

And a very special thank you to D----y. I know you prefer to lurk so thanks for coming out of hiding. Those are really important questions I did not consider. I hope I don't need to ask them any time soon. They do say that once they do the procedure it does not go back. It should just flip forward into the proper position. But you never know. Weird things happen all the time.