I realize that many of you look at my widget and think I'm so close...any day now territory but not I. For a number of reasons I am not feeling very "impending".
1) Not counting due dates before they hatch: Just a little mind trick I need to play with myself. If you are training for a marathon you DON'T train up to mile 22 do you? Those last few miles are the hardest and most important to mentally/physically prepared for.
Remember my pregnant co-worker? In her 3rd trimester I marveled at how calm she was, how much energy she had, how little she complained. I was just really impressed (which does not happen often). She had it in her mind that she had to make it to a certain date based on her work load. Once she got past that date it would be ok for her to leave but she planned on working right up until she had the baby becasue she doesn't have much vacation or sick leave (and there is no maternity leave. That date was 2 weeks before her due date. Once she got to that date she suddenly became too tired to work, complained often, and felt "done". Did her physical situation change? Not really. She lost her mental game. Once she made it past one arbitrary date she simply imploded. I wont implode. I can't afford to implode.
2) Wont be one of those whining pregnant ladies: I can't tell you how much it bothers me when women complain that they "done" being pregnant. Yes, complain about heartburn, back aches, painful kicks, swelling, that you want to meet your baby but don't say you don't want to be pregnant anymore (unless you have a medical condition or your baby is REALLY big or you have multiples). IDK..it just seems wrong to me if you are healthy to wish a birth before your baby is ready. I guess all those years of infertility changed my mindset. Yes, I am uncomfortable, yes I want to hold my baby, yes, yes, yes. I am not any less uncomfortable than any other pregnant lady...and I'd say I'm MORE anxious to see my baby (given all that we went through to get here). But I just can't to take this for granted. I still rub my belly lovingly and remark how much I will miss this special tine with Bambina (and then I pop a Tums).
3) Piccolina was late. 11 days late. Everyday I went to work. Everyday I'd leave work vowing to return the next day. I knew I would be wrong at some point but I just didn't feel like she was going to be on time let alone early. While 2nd babies tend to be a bit earlier I don't think we'll be 11 days late but I am certainly mentally prepared to go well beyond my due date.
4) Unmediated labor: Having done unmediated labor while induced....I gotta say....I'm not looking forward to doing it again. Hopefully I will not be induced but if I must be I know a whole lot more about it and will be able to competently have some input into the manner and severity. I firmly believe in unmedicated/low intervention labors...I'm just not looking forward to it. Makes it a little easier to wait out these last few days.
5) Not being a very patient person I see this as a way to work on being patient. Just going with the flow.
6) She'll come when she's ready. I believe that. This pregnancy is about her, not me.
7) Full moon: Piccolina was late but she finally arrived on the full moon. The full moon is on Friday so I think we'll make it to at least then. I know, not very scientific but it's a nice thought.
At my last Dr. appointment they offered and internal...I declined. It does not tell you much of anything. It can introduce risk of infection. It hurts like a Mo Fo. I have no signs of labor...not even Braxton Hick (that I am aware of). So why bother?
They offered an appointment for the next week if I wanted it. But we both decided it was probably not necessary. So we held off for 2 weeks. If I go into labor I know what to do. So my next appointment is tomorrow. Pee, blood pressure, heart beat. I might do the internal just to see if anything is going on down there so I can at least make some tentative plans (I have a lot to get done at work before I leave so it will tell me if I will need to put in some evenings or not).
So that's it. Still pregnant. Being patient. Hugely uncomfortable and tired but I know that's how I'm supposed to feel. I'm just hanging on to enjoying being pregnant becasue it still feels like a miracle.
p.s. My pants are tight.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
Reflection
There are days when I think to myself, "Self, you are totally not pretty enough to pull off this bad of a personality".
And then I go and buy some hair products, make-up or shoes.
That approach just seems a whole lot easier to me.
And then I go and buy some hair products, make-up or shoes.
That approach just seems a whole lot easier to me.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Honey, No.
I know this has no real place on this blog since it's not a fashion or celebrity* blog but I saw this photo and couldn't decide if it was 1) hilarious 2) tragic or 3)there was something wrong with me becasue this is what I thought:
Behold!
Why oh why would Whitney Port (whoever she is) wear a bikini bottom that makes her look like she has a gigantic, untrimmed muff? I'm NOT judging gigantic, untrimmed muffs (at 9 months pregnant I am weeks...ok....months past my last half-hearted attempt at muff management). I do not judge a little untidiness down there and I certainly do not fancy myself a fashion designer but this is one seriously ill-conceived embellishment.
What's next? Cellulite pants? Foot fungus nail-polish. Ass-scented body-wash?
*term used loosly
Behold!
Why oh why would Whitney Port (whoever she is) wear a bikini bottom that makes her look like she has a gigantic, untrimmed muff? I'm NOT judging gigantic, untrimmed muffs (at 9 months pregnant I am weeks...ok....months past my last half-hearted attempt at muff management). I do not judge a little untidiness down there and I certainly do not fancy myself a fashion designer but this is one seriously ill-conceived embellishment.
What's next? Cellulite pants? Foot fungus nail-polish. Ass-scented body-wash?
*term used loosly
Monday, July 20, 2009
Calling Dr. Google
Thanks for all the rash advice.
Both Mr. Peeveme and I searched Dr. Google and independently came up with the diagnosis of slap cheek disease for Picconlina. It's harmless unless, of course, a pregnant woman gets it.
But after a little more research and a call to my practitioner, we have determined that Bambina is in no danger since I did not get it and even if I did there is only a slight chance of fetal anemia if the mother gets a bad infection in the first trimester. And there is nothing they can actually DO about it other than monitor. But since I never got it...it's a mute point.
After a little Hydro cortisone cream and some A&D ointment Piccolina's face much better.
Both Mr. Peeveme and I searched Dr. Google and independently came up with the diagnosis of slap cheek disease for Picconlina. It's harmless unless, of course, a pregnant woman gets it.
But after a little more research and a call to my practitioner, we have determined that Bambina is in no danger since I did not get it and even if I did there is only a slight chance of fetal anemia if the mother gets a bad infection in the first trimester. And there is nothing they can actually DO about it other than monitor. But since I never got it...it's a mute point.
After a little Hydro cortisone cream and some A&D ointment Piccolina's face much better.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Poor Mr. Peeveme
Poor little Piccolina has an awful rash on her face. She had it last week and it was getting better but now it has come back with a vengeance. She does not seem bothered by it too much and has no other symptoms.
Mr. Peeveme is very anti-intervention and anti-anything "chemical". I have been asking him to let me put some either hydrocortison cream (to fight inflammation) or Lotrimin (to fight fungal infection) on her poor little face but he insisted we keep applying lotion. And he wont let me use the lotion the Dr recommended for when she had baby eczema...no he has to buy some organic lotion...which doesn't do shit for her really dry, red, cracked skin. Hand cream ain't going to cut it even if it does smell like grapefruit essence.
Anyhow, last night I was, yet again, making my case for hydrcortison or Lotrimin. He thought it was too chemically to put so near her month. I reminded him that he used it on his genitals when he had that little itching problem last year.
And in a tone of voice that I can only describe as pitiful resignation he said, "Yea well nobody's mouth has been near there in a long time".
Mr. Peeveme is very anti-intervention and anti-anything "chemical". I have been asking him to let me put some either hydrocortison cream (to fight inflammation) or Lotrimin (to fight fungal infection) on her poor little face but he insisted we keep applying lotion. And he wont let me use the lotion the Dr recommended for when she had baby eczema...no he has to buy some organic lotion...which doesn't do shit for her really dry, red, cracked skin. Hand cream ain't going to cut it even if it does smell like grapefruit essence.
Anyhow, last night I was, yet again, making my case for hydrcortison or Lotrimin. He thought it was too chemically to put so near her month. I reminded him that he used it on his genitals when he had that little itching problem last year.
And in a tone of voice that I can only describe as pitiful resignation he said, "Yea well nobody's mouth has been near there in a long time".
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Thank God, Thank God, Thank God
Looks like Mr. Peeveme has a job. We have been without an income for him since Oct. The job he had since Jan is 100% commission and well...he ain't sold nothing. The only thing worse than being unemployed is working really hard and not getting paid.
He had to offer to work for free until he gets up to speed (a month or so) but it's no different from what he's getting paid now except with his current job it's unlikely he'll ever get a pay check.
He's going to have to work his butt off and prove himself. Not the best timing since we are going to have a baby pretty quickly. But f*ck it. We'll manage. Somehow we'll manage.
It's been a tough time financially and emotionally for him. Ironically, he'll be taking the same job he would have started out as 10 years ago before he got sidetracked into another career. So he's somewhat starting over. It's lower pay than he thought he'd be getting at this point in life, the job is somewhat grunt-work and not at all glamorous. And you know what? We are overjoyed. A paycheck, an honest career, a short commute, and stability. Also, there is room for advancement.
I'm trying not to get too excited until he really gets in there and starts getting paid but man, we are just so relieved. I hope this works out.
He had to offer to work for free until he gets up to speed (a month or so) but it's no different from what he's getting paid now except with his current job it's unlikely he'll ever get a pay check.
He's going to have to work his butt off and prove himself. Not the best timing since we are going to have a baby pretty quickly. But f*ck it. We'll manage. Somehow we'll manage.
It's been a tough time financially and emotionally for him. Ironically, he'll be taking the same job he would have started out as 10 years ago before he got sidetracked into another career. So he's somewhat starting over. It's lower pay than he thought he'd be getting at this point in life, the job is somewhat grunt-work and not at all glamorous. And you know what? We are overjoyed. A paycheck, an honest career, a short commute, and stability. Also, there is room for advancement.
I'm trying not to get too excited until he really gets in there and starts getting paid but man, we are just so relieved. I hope this works out.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Wacky Parents
My parents are wacky which is sometimes fun but often annoying and embarrassing.
Here is an example of the types of thing I endured while growing up.
I was about 13 years old when my parents had their 25th anniversary. They threw a big party in the same reception hall in which they were married. All of our extended family and friends were there.
My mom's name starts with an "S" and my Dad's starts with an "M". The invitations, printed napkins (I thought that was sooo fancy), and the cake proudly proclaimed "25 years of S&M".
At 13 years old I did not know what that meant. Thinking the napkins were so great I brought one to school to show my friends and quickly learned what S&M was. I was horrified for my parents. Surely, my mother did not know what she had done. I rushed home and asked her, "Mom, do you know what the means?" She said, "Of course, I do. That's why I did it."
Unfortunately, this apple does not fall far from that wacky tree.
Here is an example of the types of thing I endured while growing up.
I was about 13 years old when my parents had their 25th anniversary. They threw a big party in the same reception hall in which they were married. All of our extended family and friends were there.
My mom's name starts with an "S" and my Dad's starts with an "M". The invitations, printed napkins (I thought that was sooo fancy), and the cake proudly proclaimed "25 years of S&M".
At 13 years old I did not know what that meant. Thinking the napkins were so great I brought one to school to show my friends and quickly learned what S&M was. I was horrified for my parents. Surely, my mother did not know what she had done. I rushed home and asked her, "Mom, do you know what the means?" She said, "Of course, I do. That's why I did it."
Unfortunately, this apple does not fall far from that wacky tree.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Michael Jacksons' Kids "Real" Father/Mother
Is anyone else bothered by the media's search for Michael Jacksons' kids "real" parents? Michael Jackson is their real father. I know, he took an unconventional route to fatherhood but does that make him somehow a fake father?
I understand the social curiosity. I get it. But why is it important? Why do we care? Why do we feel it necessary to diminish his relationship to these children? That's what I don't get. You're idol curiosity, your flippant judgment hurts. It hurts these kids and it hurts anyone who has used 3rd-party reproduction. It's one thing to be curious but in all the coverage there is some kernel of judgment and distancing of MJ as the "real" parent. As if now the children can be reunited with their "real" parents.
The situation is somewhat complicated by the fact that he did marry Debbie Rowe and her parental rights have never been completely legally terminated but as far as has been reported she's had no contact with the children. She did sign away her rights (even if that was later overturned by a court) and she has said that this was a "gift" to Michael and that she did not have any intention of parenting. Why should her genetic connection mean more than the familial connection the children have with MJ's extended family? It really bristles that what is the equivalent of a known donor is considered to be a likely/deserving recipient of custody.
This just reminds me how judgmental people are of family's that are not built via natural fertility.
I hope the emotional and heartbreaking statement by Paris Katherine shows people that family does not always mean genetics. She, very simply, loves and misses her Daddy. The only one she has ever had.
_________________________________________
And it also really bother me that the media labels Debbie Rowe a bad/absent mother. She was an egg donor and surrogate. She was not intended to be the mother. To fault her for not mothering is unfair.
I understand the social curiosity. I get it. But why is it important? Why do we care? Why do we feel it necessary to diminish his relationship to these children? That's what I don't get. You're idol curiosity, your flippant judgment hurts. It hurts these kids and it hurts anyone who has used 3rd-party reproduction. It's one thing to be curious but in all the coverage there is some kernel of judgment and distancing of MJ as the "real" parent. As if now the children can be reunited with their "real" parents.
The situation is somewhat complicated by the fact that he did marry Debbie Rowe and her parental rights have never been completely legally terminated but as far as has been reported she's had no contact with the children. She did sign away her rights (even if that was later overturned by a court) and she has said that this was a "gift" to Michael and that she did not have any intention of parenting. Why should her genetic connection mean more than the familial connection the children have with MJ's extended family? It really bristles that what is the equivalent of a known donor is considered to be a likely/deserving recipient of custody.
This just reminds me how judgmental people are of family's that are not built via natural fertility.
I hope the emotional and heartbreaking statement by Paris Katherine shows people that family does not always mean genetics. She, very simply, loves and misses her Daddy. The only one she has ever had.
_________________________________________
And it also really bother me that the media labels Debbie Rowe a bad/absent mother. She was an egg donor and surrogate. She was not intended to be the mother. To fault her for not mothering is unfair.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Belly Shots
Look away if you don't want to see some belly shots. As much as I want to remain true to my infertility roots and readership (is that too much of an exaggeration to say "readership"?) I am pregnant and this blog is to document my entire journey...not just the bad. Sometimes good things do happen. Sometimes there are happy endings.
Last time I was pregnant I got professional shots done. I used one as my profile picture. This time I'd rather spend my $ on getting professional pictures of the baby. So I had Mr. Peeveme take some in our bedroom while Piccolina was taking a nap. A whole lot of stars had to align for all that to happen. The quality is not so great but it does document how I look and that's really what it's all about. Plus I'd like for Bambina to have something to look at to know how much we wanted her.
I think I was about 33 weeks when these were taken.
Sure I could have shaved. Sure I could have washed the one and only bra that somewhat fits. Truth be told I'm not much into the belly shots and my hygiene has been pretty spotty lately so just doing this was an accomplishment. Cleanliness would have been too much for me to pull together. (Thank goodness you can't smell the internet!)
I do love being pregnant. Nothing makes me happier. Really. And I get a baby at the end of this to boot. It's just a win win situation and I am completely aware of how fortunate I am. Once I get to this place....the middle/end of the 3T I feel like a normal pregnant person. Much of the failure I have felt fades away. The constant, almost debilitating anxiety, transforms into your garden variety anxiety about labor, getting "ready" for baby, finances. I feel normal except for one thing...I do think I am more grateful than the average pregnant women.
Last time I was pregnant I got professional shots done. I used one as my profile picture. This time I'd rather spend my $ on getting professional pictures of the baby. So I had Mr. Peeveme take some in our bedroom while Piccolina was taking a nap. A whole lot of stars had to align for all that to happen. The quality is not so great but it does document how I look and that's really what it's all about. Plus I'd like for Bambina to have something to look at to know how much we wanted her.
I think I was about 33 weeks when these were taken.
Sure I could have shaved. Sure I could have washed the one and only bra that somewhat fits. Truth be told I'm not much into the belly shots and my hygiene has been pretty spotty lately so just doing this was an accomplishment. Cleanliness would have been too much for me to pull together. (Thank goodness you can't smell the internet!)
I do love being pregnant. Nothing makes me happier. Really. And I get a baby at the end of this to boot. It's just a win win situation and I am completely aware of how fortunate I am. Once I get to this place....the middle/end of the 3T I feel like a normal pregnant person. Much of the failure I have felt fades away. The constant, almost debilitating anxiety, transforms into your garden variety anxiety about labor, getting "ready" for baby, finances. I feel normal except for one thing...I do think I am more grateful than the average pregnant women.
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