Advisory: For those of you dealing with primary infertility be advised that this post is about how I have so much baby-junk cluttering up my home in hopes of baby #2. So if you are having a bad day and don't want to hear about how I trip over the high-chair in the garage every time I pick my daughter up out of her car-seat...skip it.
Man to I have a lot of stuff! I walk into my closet and it's FULL to the rafters with neatly folded and stored maternity clothes waiting to be worn. I walk into my garage and it's full of retired baby stuff that was lovingly stored with the expectation that it would be used in the not-so-distant-future. Piccolina's closet is also full of itty-bitty clothes just waiting to adorn a sibling.
When I bought, used, cleaned and stored this stuff I didn't know that getting #2 would be even harder (and take almost as long) as getting number 1. I just trusted that if I did it once I could do it again. But I couldn't. I couldn't do it again. And boy did I try. 18 months, 1 m/c, 4 high-dose injects/iui, 2 IVFs on max meds and nothing to show for it but a whiped-out savings account and lots of waiting "stuff". Impossibly-small baby shoes, bella-bands, my beautiful maternity coat from Pea in the Pod (a splurge!), some of the cutest sun dresses I have ever seen (maternity or not), the life-saving baby swing, beautiful baby clothes that she barley wore because she grew so incredibly fast, my breast pump. I want to unzip them from their hiding places and greet each one like a long lost friend. But I'm too busy to spend the time and probably too emotionally fragile to risk instigating a crying jag. I remember them all so well and wish to revisit life with this stuff in use instead of cluttering up the corners of my home and the corners of my memory.
Sometimes I want to purge them. Clean house, face facts, move on and reclaim my closet, garage, life. As if the act of "Spring Cleaning" would give me a fresh perspective, free me from this unrelenting desire have a baby, magically make me grateful for what I do have instead of always being in the state of "wanting".
The wanting is constant. The wanting makes me jealous, makes me small, cold, narrow, resentful. The wanting makes me empty.
My closets are full. I am empty. It's the exact opposite of the type of person I want to be: a thoughtful, open, warm, grateful person who lives each day with meaning. Instead I have materialism.