Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Gather round the Computer kids. It's story time

Let me tell you about the time I crapped myself at work. Twice. In one week. Actually it was twice in 8 days. Consecutive Fridays to be specific.

I was sitting at my desk on an uneventful Friday. Fridays are slimmly populated. Not many people around. No committee meetings. It' s good day to get caught up or sneak out a bit early. The office was pretty-much empty. It was just me so I felt ok letting go of the gas. Why was I so gassy? Well since I was not pregnant I can't use that as an excuse. I wasn't feeling particularly bad. I didn't eat anything out of the ordinary. I have no excuse. I guess I'm just a gassy gal. Anyhow, being all alone I didn't feel it necessary to hold it in.

A little while later one of the staff comes by to introduce the new administrator. I notice that the new administrator kind-of stinks. I think she must have her period or something. Poor woman. And then I noticed that she is wearing white pants. Hmm. Interesting choice for woman on her period. I feel bad for her but understand.

Later I take myself to the bathroom and WTF? What I thought was just gas had a sneaky co- pilot a little more in the liquid/solid category. Not a lot. My sanitary napkin (do they still call it that?....seems like a old-lady term) caught most of it. I was able to clean myself up and left work about 30 mins early.

Not big deal other than the two women who came to my office must have noticed it smelled bad.
"It can happen to anyone", I told myself. Reassured myself that if they did notice they'd probably not remember it. Laughed becasue I thought the stink was coming from someone else when it was really me. Vowed to be a little more careful next time.

A week latter I was up to my old tricks. I thought surely lasts week's incident was an outlier that would not happen again. I was so very wrong.

Again with the nobody in the office except for me. Again with the gas. Had I learned nothing? Well I was about to really learn my lesson.

So I'm farting away and then I feel it. It felt like a huge liquid bubble exploding up the back of my pants. I immediately grab my keys and start to make my way to the staff bathroom. I can feel wetness. Lots of wetness.

I'm trying to hustle but I don't want to run or anything. Don't want to call attention to myself in case anyone could see me. I don't want to be seen running to the bathroom becasue that would be embarrassing. But then I feel it starting to run down my thigh. So I pick up the pace. I see it getting to my knee and now I'm really moving. I rather be seen running to the bathroom than be seen with crap dribbling down my leg. It's an easy choice if you think about it.

Had I been wearing pants like a self-respecting adult I would have been fine but I was wearing shorts. I assure you they were work-appropriate Bermuda shorts. I can totally pull that off but I wont any more because the shorts were ruined and I had the throw them out.

I got the the bathroom just before the shit hit my shoe. It was way too much to clean up. My shorts were completely stained up the back. I used almost all the toilet paper. I did the best I could, went back to my office, closed up shop, and left. I used my very large purse to hide my backside which was very visibly soiled.

My car stunk for days and it took a scrubbing with bleach to get the smell out of the seat.

So that's it. No moral to the story. Nothing redeeming. Not necessarily that funny even. Ok I think it's funny. My family loves these types of stories. I could listen to the time my Dad crapped himself while walking his Greyhound at the motor-home park everyday and not get sick of it. The mental imagine of my Dad running to the bathroom with butt cheeks clenched dragging his dog behind him throws me into fits of hysterics. If you have a Crapped Myself story I'm all ears.

19 comments:

areyoukiddingme said...

I have no crapped myself stories (not that it hasn't happened, it just isn't interesting), but I have to agree that your stories are funny. Sneaky co-pilot...Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Pepper said...

I am sitting in the airport LMAO out loud at this post!! Picture fellow passengers giving looks to the crazy lady who laughs at the stories in her head. Priceless!

luna said...

I am sitting here laughing hard (lol, lmao, you name it). that is hilarious. one of those not so funny when it happened stories. the first one can be called a "shart" -- but the second one seems more like an explosion!

my family would be holding their sides laughing about this. at least most of them...

kate said...

OMG. My ex used to call that a Hershey Squirt (quaint, huh?) and embarrassedly told me that this had happened to him while waiting for a train to pass in his car. I laughed and laughed and laughed.

And then, once I was on my way home from a weekend out of town working. I was about a block from home in my car, and as it is my car, I feel free to let loose if I damn well please, so I did. I had not been feeling so well, and yeah. It happened. It wasn't as wet as yours, but unfortunately, I was living in a student co-op at the time, and so when I entered through the back door, I had to walk past the dining room table where, sure enough, the gabbiest, weirdest housemate was sitting having his breakfast. And I had tied my jacket around my waist, so I don't think he saw anything, but damn. I tried to slide past, but he started talking to me, and I kept saying, "I just got off the road. I need to go freshen up." but dude would not take a hint, so I finally interrupted him mid sentence and told him that, sorry, I had to use the restroom.

Which I did. Where (TMI) I puked and then had terrible, terrible diarrhea, so I guess the "squirt" was just a precursor to the intense stomach flu which completely rendered me useless within the hour.

Man. That was really personal. But you asked, so I guess I feel better about sharing that...

Marie said...

Aww Amber if I have learned anything its always question a fart.

I was leaving for work the other day and my hubby was at the door bugging me so I leaned back against him, you know, ready to fire. I fired all right but he got the last laugh becuase I had to change myself before I could leave.

Now? I evaluate every fart!

Jewels said...

My only crap story I'm willing to share for now (Maybe someday I'll be brave) is someone else’s crap story.
I was sitting at work (I'm the receptionist) and I get a phone call. On the other end I hear "Julie - this is Jaymee, bring me a pair of scissors, I'm in the ladies bathroom, I just shit myself and need to get my underwear off before I get shit all over the place"

Seriously I never laughed so hard at work. I would have chewed my underwear off before I called someone and told them I shit myself. (lmao)

Okay so My own personal crap story isn’t that funny - nothing like yours, but I tried the new Isagenix Cleanse, and all I can say is if you do the cleanse and feel you need to pass a little stinker - don’t do it with confidence, NEVER had I seen poop that looked and felt like sludge, and like yours, it was quick to hit the shoes. But I was home alone so not funny at all, just a pain in the behind ; D Tho funny how you can get embarrassed when your all by your self.

jodie38 said...

I'm laughing so hard I think I might vomit. What a wonderful shart story!! I've had some very narrow misses, but nothing that dramatic! Whew - what a wonderful story to start off the day with!

Coco said...

you have no idea how much I needed a good laugh this morning! Thank you thank you thank you!

Chelle said...

I burst out laughing in my quiet office!!! BUT I don't care!! LOL!

I have a crap story about my hubby. He'd die if he knew I was telling it. We were walking to my parents house (when we first married, we only live a block away) and he let go of some "gas." He looked at me with shocked gasp and literally ran back to our house to take care of it! hahaha!! He begged me not to say anything and I never did...until now!

To A T said...

Hahaha! Oh my! Personally I don't have a crap story, but it was very enjoyable reading yours and everyone elses! :)

renovationgirl said...

Crying so hard here from laughing-at your post and other commenters!! And yes, I have been there...driving home, stuck in traffic, no bathroom in sight. Didn't think to try to pull over and use my son's diapers I kept in the car for emergencies...hindsight, and all that. Thanks for the good laugh!

Blackbeltmama said...

Renovation Girl directed me to this post and it is hysterical. While I can't personally relate to pooping myself (I'm the girl who gave birth twice without ever pushing out a poop), I definitely have "no comment" about sneezing and peeing post-childbirth.

Diane said...

Ah, the shart. As my husband always says "test, test, test, its the only way to prevent a shart."

Thanks for sharing your funny stories. Oh can I relate to the shorts story, hustling as inconspicously as possible, cursing the whole way.

Still laughing...

Jojobee said...

I have no crap stories, but I do have pee stories and many lately...

I sneezed in bed yesterday and wet the bed and then I sneezed later while getting ready and peed all over the floor! I guess me crouching doesn't work anymore, so I've bought panty-liners that will hopefully help a little bit... Oh and this is NOT the first time it's happened since I've been pregnant.

Your story is too funny! LMAO!!!!!

musicmakermomma said...

Hahaha! Way to break the ice (in addition to wind). I certainly had done the sneeze and pee; and when I had my period for 6 solid weeks (it was gross and I had to go on Lupron for 3 months to stop it) I was bleeding so much I couldn't last through a whole rehearsal. Usually we get breaks every 90 minutes, but that was NOT enough. So I'm trying to sneakily leave the room (and I sit in the middle of the orchestra, so I have to go through all these people with no space) AND I'm carrying my purse which is small but still. And this went on forever! I thought I would literally bleed to death, but the doc was all unconcerned. Oh, the things our bodies do...

Lorraine said...

It probably says a lot about me to admit that I have actually had the opposite problem - the constipation of doom. Let's just say, Toni Morrison has written about something similar, but in that case it was supposed to be fiction.

Yep, the human body is a miracle.

Teresa said...

Oh my God that might have been the funniest story I have ever heard. I so wish I could have been a fly on the wall but then I probably would've followed your irresistable scent all the way to the bathroom. Too funny, seriously that made my friggin week dude.

chicklet said...

I haven't crapped myself yet, but with my bowel issues, what happened to you is BOUND to happen to me one day! Ack, you had me totally freaking out for you!!!

April said...

OMG I SO needed that laugh today! And of course, I have a story to share. (Should I be sharing though? You may NEVER come visit my blog now! LOL)

I had a horrible stomach flu bug 2 years ago and was on the couch, in my flannel nightgown, no undies on, and holding a pan in case I puked. I'd had some moments of simultaneously puking AND having diahrea but the next time I was going to puke I thought it was JUST puke. I raised the pan and puked and realized "Oh god, I'm gonna shit on the couch!" and got up to run to the bathroom. Mid-way, mid-puke, I had a burst of diahrea that ran down my leg and even though I was home alone I was absolutely MORITFIED. I was so afraid to go back and see if I had crapped on the carpet, like one of my dogs. Thankfully i hadn't. But when I told my DH the story when he got back from work, he laughed so hard HE nearly peed his pants. Nice.