I got the long awaited BFP...HCG more than doubled...everything was looking great. I was happy. Then came the time for the viability scan at about 6 weeks. Mr. Peeveme and the Dr. were there. I was on the table...looking at the heartbeat...and my first thought was, "It's not the same".
I couldn't believe it. After all that time, effort money and emotional energy and here I was looking at the heartbeat and I felt...disappointment. I walked to my car and in my head I had this ringing, "It's just not the same". I did not have the elation I had when I saw Piccolinna's heartbeat. When I saw Piccolina I cried with joy. I cried this time too....but unknown to my husband and the Dr. I was crying becasue my first thought was, "It's not the same" and felt guilty about it. That's hard to admit.
I tried to shrug it off (as I do with most emotional things especially when they are not rational) but it only got worse. As the nausea and fatigue set in my mental state got worse. "What was I thinking? I can't do this. I can barely handle one kid right now...how can I handle another ...and one I might not love as much....or one who might end up resenting me, not seeing me as her mother. What the hell did I do?".
I didn't panic. I just felt it, acknowledge it for a moment then pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I tried to think logically. I remembered when I was in the 1st trimester with Piccolina I felt similarly doubtful and overwhelmed. The hormones and fatigue can really make one wish they weren't pregnant and doubt their ability to be a mom. "That's all it is" I told myself. "Normal 1st trimester doubts". It's just because I did Donor Eggs that I am extra sensitive to those feelings.
I trusted that they would go away when the fog of the 1st trimester lifted. It felt real at the time...but I didn't want to give it too much influence since I was hoping it was temporary. I just held on. I didn't post much during this time. I didn't talk to anyone. I just endured. And hoped.
I also think that this being a 2nd child has something to do with the way I was feeling. I think the 2nd time around, one is less excited. It's not new, your are not as nervous, joyous ect. I think that is normal but again since this child is from a Donor I am extra sensitive any time I remember being happier, more excited ect with Piccolina.
In addition to all this, we were having (still are) having financial difficulty (who isn't?). So that also added to my anxiety level and my doubts.
Since the 2nd trimester I am feeling differently like I thought I would. I am happy, I am excited. I am looking forward to having this baby. I think I am as happy as I would be if this were my genetic child and my conflicted feelings are not a reflection of my love, excitement and anticipation for this child. I also think the 2nd child is just different from the first...no matter what the genetics.
I'm just trying to keep it all in perspective but I think with Donor Eggs perspective is harder to come by. This pregnancy is just different from my first and Donor Eggs is just one aspect.
I thought that once I got pregnant it would be smooth sailing and I was a little surprised when it didn't happen that way. I was shocked by my emotional response. I was really side swiped by that. I wonder if I had not had a genetic child if I would have had those doubts? I'm in a really good place now. It took time and I know I will be dealing with aspects of Donor Eggs for a long time...possibly a lifetime but I hope it becomes just one small aspect of our family story...not the whole story.