Thursday, June 4, 2009

DE related post-Learning to Live with Being Conflicted

I want to elaborate on my last post becasue I don't want to mislead anyone about my ongoing emotional journey with Donor Eggs. To a certain extent I am still "in process" and I think I always will be in some form (either myself or my children or my family when they find out). I was just so happy the other day to realize I was over a huge hump and wanted to share. I want be reassuring but I also want to be realistic.

When I first started to look into Donor Eggs (after completely dismissing it as "not for me") I would read blogs and messages boards that would say things like, "you'll never look back". And when I got there..the BFP...I did look back. And while I am over the moon right now I was not always over the moon.

While I feel wholeheartedly what I wrote in my last post...I still wish I did not have to have done DE. I wish regular IVF could have worked. Again, I love this baby and would not change things as they have turned out but if I had it all to do over again....the usual way would have been my first choice. I don't want to mislead any of you. I have had my low points with the DE thing. Mostly pre-cycle and the 1st trimester. Now that I am here...30 weeks pregnant... I am so glad this did work. For me it was the right choice...despite my doubts...which I think are normal and healthy.

Yes, I have had doubts. No, I do not think those will ever completely go away and they will get tons more complicated as this child grows up and she begins to deal with some of the emotions I have been dealing with.

But there is love and gratitude and I know that everything is going to be ok. Not so long ago I did not believe that everything would be ok. I know that some of you are there right now...not sure...terrified it wont work...terrified what is means if it does work. I was there, too, and it got kinda-of bad for a while.

Next post...my first thought when I had that first u/s and saw the heartbeat and the weeks I thought I had made a terrible mistake.

14 comments:

Riley said...

Thank you so much for elaborating and sharing your thoughts/feelings. It is really so helpful to hear from someone who has been there and is there but just a little further down the road.

BagMomma said...

That's a lot to chew on. I completely get where you are coming from. So much of how we process things is situational... for instance, right now all I can think about is getting to that BFP. The "how" is not even on my mind.

I suppose I would have many similar feelings if I were in your shoes. This choice we make to use Donor Eggs, is not easy, and it's not a wham-bam-thank-you-maam decision. It follows us forever.

Cheers to 30 weeks... I am so glad for you!

sprogblogger said...

Thank you for your honesty - as always I look forward to hearing your thoughts through this all. I really respect you & your journey & what you bring to these discussions. it sounds like things are easier for you now than they were in the past, and I am truly happy that that's the case. Am looking forward to the next post.

Nic said...

I think all your thoughts and feelings have been only natural and I am sure if I ever have to consider DE I would go through all the emotions and doubts you did. Cant believe you are at 30 weeks! Where has the time gone?!?!

jodie38 said...

Thank you for sharing DE thoughts - and congrats on the 30 weeks! I remember how creepy the ticker looked at the very beginning!

Lanie said...

DE is such a weird process. I'm really curious to see how you feel after you look into YOUR babies eyes. I hope with all my heart that you see your OWN heart reflected back from those eyes. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about my own DE babies (and there are days when I'm still not sure if they are mine - so surreal), but they are MINE and they are the children that I was meant to have.

I hope you can get to a peaceful place more often than not.

Renovation Girl said...

I love your honesty...and I think I would feel exactly the same way. Just at the point where we were considering it I was thinking along these lines. I can't believe the past 30 weeks have gone so quickly!!!

April said...

Thank you for being so honest about your feelings! I can't even imagine the difficult journey you've had to follow and how emotional the whole process has been for you.

Soapchick said...

Thanks for sharing your feelings. If I get pregnant on my DE cycle I'll be curious to see if I have any of the same feelings you did. I may not because I don't have any children at all yet, but who knows, we'll see. I'll let you know. I find it interesting how we all process this journey.

Just to give you an update because I don't think you are following my private blog - we started the DE cycle May 1st but then they found some polyps 2 weeks into the lupron and we had to stop. I had surgery 2 weeks ago and we'll be starting it all over again June 15th. Looking at mid July ER and ET. Take care Peeveme!

Teresa said...

You're so refreshing how you don't sugar-coat things. I love it. And I CANNOT believe you are 30 weeks...my God it has flown for me haha.

Chelle said...

I can't even imagine the internal struggles you are going/have gone through.

I am so happy that everything is working out and that before long your daughter will be here for all of us to welcome to the world!

Kami said...

Yes - thank you for sharing your thoughts. My bias is that it would be easier to have a second kid with DE because you have already contributed to the future of the genome. Of course, if it was that easy, no one would struggle with doing DE for a second kid.

I am looking forward to hearing more. It is comforting, in a way, to hear that you have struggled too.

Bluebird said...

Just getting caught up on my reading :) Thank you for your honesty, and for what an insightful post. I've never "been there", but I can totally imagine everything you describe. So glad you're over the "hump" as you said :)

meinsideout said...

Your honesty is refreshing, thank you. We are using donor sperm and I have had so many mixed emotions - and one early miscarriage from the first DIUI after having two from previous IVF cycles.

I do not know how I am going to feel if I ever get and stay pregnant with DS - but I am sure it may not be all sunshine and puppies. Thanks again - it is good to hear the honesty.