Ah, there you are. I thought you weren't coming. Silly me.

I was worried that I was not worried.

Usually I approach pregnancy with terror. Just breathing regularly is difficult and takes constant reminding. My last pregnancy I resolved not to worry or, at least, not to let it rob me of joy. I wrote to two friends in a e-mail, "I'm choosing not to worry until I get information otherwise." 24 hours later my 7 week-old embryo measured 6 weeks. Blood test. Repeat blood test: not viable. Wait for m/c. I realize my one, early m/c is nothing compared to what so many women have gone through. I'm not comparing. But when one is infertile or had a pregnancy go south, fear just comes with the territory. Not your garden variety fear of a passing thought, "I hope everything is ok", and then you go blissfully through your day belly-rubbing and browsing changing tables. I mean dead baby thoughts. I mean the constant looking for blood in the undies. I mean wondering when, not if, you'll m/c and hoping it's not when you are at work or when your DH is out of town. It's a terror that has to be constantly fought otherwise I would collapse into a heap of pointless sobbing. The irrational terror which makes one think that if you get too happy or too comfortable you will actually cause it all the go to pot.

The time between Beta and that first u/s is the worst. Too early for symptoms which can be so reassuring. No evidence of a heartbeat so higher m/c rates apply. After that heartbeat is seen one has actual scientific evidence to worry less. (That evidence usually makes me worry less for about a week). It's pretty much what most of us in the infertile community experiences.

This being a DE cycle I was worried becasue I was NOT feeling that way. I was happy, content, secure. I have just felt certain I would have a baby in August. With young, healthy eggs why wouldn't I?

I wondered about the reasons for my terror-less existence. Was it becasue this was a second child? Maybe you are less worried the second time around. Maybe the fact that this is a DE baby and has better chance of being healthy than with my own eggs made me worry less. Maybe it was becasue I have a half dozen on ice that made me less terrified becasue even if this pregnancy did go south I would eventually have a baby. But mostly I worried that it was becasue this is not my genetic child and as a result I felt less connected and less worried. That thought was really disturbing.

Maybe I had made a HUGE mistake. Maybe I wouldn't love this child as my own. Maybe I will always feel differently about her (gut instinct that's it's a girl). I couldn't even blog about it I found it so disturbing.

And then worry started to creep in. I do have dead baby thoughts and while it really sucks I am relieved that I 'm not going to be a horrible mother to this baby. Ok, I might be a crappy mom but it wont be becasue I'm not the genetic mom. I can be a crappy mother to both this child and Piccolina. Hey man, I'm an equal opportunity crap-mom. Such relief!

I'm terrified and it's comforting. It's also highly well...terrifying. It's a damned if you do and dammed if you don't situation. But I'm taking it all in and remaining so grateful to be able to have these thoughts.

My latest Beta was 8,206. 6 days ago it was 885. Doubling time in 1.86 days. Everything is on track. U/S on Friday. I will be 6 weeks 1 day. Looking for that flicker that will sustain my faith.

I don't just want a baby. I want this baby. I'm so relieved and terrified to feel that way. But mostly I am grateful.