Don't hate me like a Duggar

I'm going to do something that is almost guaranteed to loose me half my readership. Talk about my weight. I am thin. There, I said it. It's not like I have to work to keep weight on but I do not have to work to keep it off either. My goal had always been to be healthy...not skinny. I have not dipped below a BMI of 18. I eat pretty much what I want. I eat healthy most of the time but never think twice about indulging.

In my defense I earned this. I spent an entire decade (in my 20s') lifting weights and running everyday. I was into fitness and loved how hard work could transform my body. I was a chubby teenager with body-imagine issues (who wasn't?). I loved how being physical gave me so much energy and drive. It cleared my mind. And I was awesomely fit. Abs, sculpted arms and shoulders, I could wear a bikini without wrapping something around my waist. I earned that. I was stronger than many of the guys at the gym. I earned that, too. But is wasn't about looking good although that was a great side effect. I truly enjoyed working out. I enjoyed challenging myself. I enjoyed the sense of accomplishment when I was stronger, faster than I was the week before.

I have spent the past 10 years coasting off that work. In my 30's with a career, TTC, being a mom/wife I have not exercised regularly. And yet, I'm still pretty thin. I have the occasional spasm of good intention. I did some regular exercise after the birth of Piccolina (before I went back to work). I also did a few weeks of the push-up challenge before IVF #3. But nothing that I was able to sustain.

I wish I had the stamina and discipline to exercise regularly. And now that I'm pregnant there is not much I can do. Once I get some energy back I can walk, lift some light weights, maybe even check out some yoga DVD's. That's the plan.

Mostly, I don't want to eat like a pig the way I did with my 1st pregnancy. I gained at least 42 pounds. On a 5'3" frame that is a lot of weight. I probably gained more but I stopped counting the last week of the pregnancy after I gained 5 pounds in one week the week before.

I didn't just balloon up for no reason. I ate. And I ate crap. My sweet tooth during pregnancy is unbelievable. I'd have a half package of Oreos, a full pack of Now and Laters and then at night I'd eat handful after handful of Capt'n Crunch with Crunchberries. Plus regular meals. Ah, on I could not get enough hot dogs to save my life (I know those are a pregnancy "don't"). For someone who is pretty health-conscious I don't know how I let myself do all that. It's amazing that I did not get gestational diabetes. After the pregnancy I found out that I was borderline. I was a bit miffed that I kept getting the "all clear". I guess they just tell you when you are in the danger zone. But I don't want to just avoid danger. I want to be optimal.

I also need to take responsibility for my actions. I knew there was no way in hell I could eat popcorn and Red Vines for dinner and still be in optimal health.

It's really not about the weight for me. I do not freak out about gaining weight for pregnancy. I can understand how that can make a woman panicky but I do not have that issue. I just need to be healthier. Healthy weight gain during pregnancy is one thing. Mine was not healthy. I need to get back to a place where I have some self control and self discipline.

It's not like I look at picture of me from 10 years ago and want to be that person. I'm happier now. I think I am a better person now. What I do miss is being able to take up a challenge. I miss having that determination and follow-through. I know it's still in me. Somewhere.

I can feel myself getting sick of me. Being disappointing in me. I can feel the slide starting. It's time to nip it in the bud. I am not going to end up a few years down the line wondering where I went. Who the hell am I and how did I get myself into a place where I don't like or recognize myself? The worse thing in the world is to loose respect for yourself.

I think the external things (how much I weight, how my ass looks in a bathing suit) are just symptoms of the internal. I have drive. I have follow-through. I can meet a challenge. I can be mindful of how I live, what I put into my body and what kind of example I set for my family. If the internal is doing well the external will fall into place.

First order of business: I need to shop better so I have food with me that I can eat instead of running to the vending machine for a Three Musketeers bar (My goodness those things are tasty!) I'm better off eating some junk-food that I bring from home in pre-determined amounts rather than going to the bookstore and then seeing how many mint Milanos I can shove in my mouth in the 2 mins before my next meeting (7 by the way). Too bad the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating) does not have a mint Milano category. I'd be all over that!

So here it is. I am vowing to do better this time.

My goals for this week.

1) Exercise twice. Just twice for at least 10 mins. It can be anything and does not have to be strenuous.
2) Make it through the rest of the week without buying and eating any junk food from the vending machine or bookstore. I can eat junk food if I wish but never at the expense of an actual meal and the food must come from home.

Now that it's out on the internets I have to follow through.