The Muffler

Gas is a fact of life. When you are pregnant it is the bane of your existence. It's not just the increased volume and velocity....it's the resonance.

I used to think, "Oh come on! If you really wanted to you could control it". And I was determined not to be one of "those" women who loudly pass gas and blame it on being pregnant. You have a sphincter, use it.

And then, one day at about 20 weeks pregnant, to my horror, I found myself farting involuntarily and very audibly as I walked around T.arget.

I devoted a lot of thought to my new cacophonous state. Maybe I had gotten fat enough that the increased volume of my butt cheeks was creating additional reverberation. After conducting an experiment to test my hypothesis I had to reject it (you don't want to know but perhaps you can imagine). Still noisy. My current and leading theory is increased volume coupled with an ineffective sphincter due to the relaxin is the cause of the audible flatulence. I have yet to determine a proper methodology for a research protocol.

As you know I have been at two conferences in the past two weeks. That's a lot of peeing in public bathrooms right next to colleagues and newly acquired professional acquaintances (who I might like to work for some day). I'm not squeamish about someone hearing me pee. I can hear them too. However, the audible gas is totally embarrassing but what's a gal, who has lost her ability to pass them silently, to do?

I am here to share with you my solution. I call it: The Muffler. Some people may think this TMI but I feel it's a public service especially for the pregnant, sphincter impaired or just plane gassy. The muffler is a simple device made of balled up toilet paper. A puff of toilet paper held firmly against the anal sphincter will muffle, if not completely silence, most gas. I have no idea if I invented this or if other people do it (although I can tell you from experience that not everyone knows how to do this...and they should).

And the muffler is not just good for public bathrooms. How many times have you been in a bathroom in someone's home say, at a party, where the walls were a little thin and people were just outside? It works in that situation as well.

I just wish I could find a solution for when I'm walking around T.arget.