I got the long awaited BFP...HCG more than doubled...everything was looking great. I was happy. Then came the time for the viability scan at about 6 weeks. Mr. Peeveme and the Dr. were there. I was on the table...looking at the heartbeat...and my first thought was, "It's not the same".
I couldn't believe it. After all that time, effort money and emotional energy and here I was looking at the heartbeat and I felt...disappointment. I walked to my car and in my head I had this ringing, "It's just not the same". I did not have the elation I had when I saw Piccolinna's heartbeat. When I saw Piccolina I cried with joy. I cried this time too....but unknown to my husband and the Dr. I was crying becasue my first thought was, "It's not the same" and felt guilty about it. That's hard to admit.
I tried to shrug it off (as I do with most emotional things especially when they are not rational) but it only got worse. As the nausea and fatigue set in my mental state got worse. "What was I thinking? I can't do this. I can barely handle one kid right now...how can I handle another ...and one I might not love as much....or one who might end up resenting me, not seeing me as her mother. What the hell did I do?".
I didn't panic. I just felt it, acknowledge it for a moment then pushed those thoughts out of my mind. I tried to think logically. I remembered when I was in the 1st trimester with Piccolina I felt similarly doubtful and overwhelmed. The hormones and fatigue can really make one wish they weren't pregnant and doubt their ability to be a mom. "That's all it is" I told myself. "Normal 1st trimester doubts". It's just because I did Donor Eggs that I am extra sensitive to those feelings.
I trusted that they would go away when the fog of the 1st trimester lifted. It felt real at the time...but I didn't want to give it too much influence since I was hoping it was temporary. I just held on. I didn't post much during this time. I didn't talk to anyone. I just endured. And hoped.
I also think that this being a 2nd child has something to do with the way I was feeling. I think the 2nd time around, one is less excited. It's not new, your are not as nervous, joyous ect. I think that is normal but again since this child is from a Donor I am extra sensitive any time I remember being happier, more excited ect with Piccolina.
In addition to all this, we were having (still are) having financial difficulty (who isn't?). So that also added to my anxiety level and my doubts.
Since the 2nd trimester I am feeling differently like I thought I would. I am happy, I am excited. I am looking forward to having this baby. I think I am as happy as I would be if this were my genetic child and my conflicted feelings are not a reflection of my love, excitement and anticipation for this child. I also think the 2nd child is just different from the first...no matter what the genetics.
I'm just trying to keep it all in perspective but I think with Donor Eggs perspective is harder to come by. This pregnancy is just different from my first and Donor Eggs is just one aspect.
I thought that once I got pregnant it would be smooth sailing and I was a little surprised when it didn't happen that way. I was shocked by my emotional response. I was really side swiped by that. I wonder if I had not had a genetic child if I would have had those doubts? I'm in a really good place now. It took time and I know I will be dealing with aspects of Donor Eggs for a long time...possibly a lifetime but I hope it becomes just one small aspect of our family story...not the whole story.
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10 comments:
Thank you for posting this. Most bloggers I've read that deal with this issue don't seem comfortable opening up and admitting the doubts and fears that I can't help but believe every one of them go through.
As someone who's going through my last shot (longshot) with my own eggs right now, I'm trying to be practical and acknowledge that DE are probably the only way I'll be able to have a child. The fears that I might feel alienated from an adopted child have driven me away from that option, but I also know that the possibility I'll feel some of that with a donor-egg-conceived child is very real, and it helps me to be able to prepare myself for that as something "normal"
Thank you for sharing. It really helps.
I think you have a unique perspective - the same emotions that every pregnant woman experiences (fears, insecurities, etc.) may be hard to filter through the lens of DE. But having non-DE and DE pregnancies, you are able to show us that some of the emotions are just due to pregnancy. Without having the non-DE experience, other women who use DE may feel disconnected from their babies because they don't recognize these fears as a normal part of any pregnancy.
It's a valuable service - thanks for being so open about a very convoluted issue.
Thank you for being so honest about this....
I am posting my reply to this post on my blog.
I hope you don't mind.
Thank you for your honesty. It helps to read how you really felt. I am sure they are all normal feelings and everyone must go through it.
I love hearing your honesty and perspective. I'm sure it will be even more valuable if this cycle does work for us. Thanks! You rock!
My sister told me that the second pregnancy is often harder physically and hormonally as well. Just a thought.
I'm glad you have a place where you can write about stuff like this. And it's nice to know pregnancy doesn't have to be magical to be worth it. I find myself bitter that I'll never have that "I'm pregnant!" moment of joy--I know too well how those moments can end.
I'll be joining you on the donor gamete journey. And while I'm sad about it, I have no doubt that it'll be worth it. (That is, if it effin' works.)
I agree with Sprogblogger - very brave and really thoughtful post. all the fears I hear myself thinking as I start this journey. it was so 'normalizing' if that makes sense.
So happy that you have come through the first trimester to a place that feels good for you.
thanks for your honesty.
I am so glad you wrote this. If we get pg this cycle I will have a similar circumstance (one "natural conception, one DE). Right now I feel really comfortable about using DE, but once in a while I look at my son and he looks EXACTLY like my brother, or makes a little throat clearing noise I always make; and I wonder if a non genetic child will have the same connection.
Thanks for your honesty.
I think it is really normal (but not often acknowledged) to have "what have I done?" kind of thoughts in any pregnancy, even the hard-won infertility kind. The DE thing makes it more complicated because it adds a level of guilt to everything... what if the doubts and fears I have are because of DE? What if it means I will not love my baby enough? What I found useful for me is similar to what you found useful... to acknowledge the feelings without fearing that they would be permanent. Not acknowledging them makes them live on with the power of suppressed fear. I never had any doubts that I will love the child when it is here, so I held on to that during the scarey hours.
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