Monday, December 8, 2008

Ah, there you are. I thought you weren't coming. Silly me.

I was worried that I was not worried.

Usually I approach pregnancy with terror. Just breathing regularly is difficult and takes constant reminding. My last pregnancy I resolved not to worry or, at least, not to let it rob me of joy. I wrote to two friends in a e-mail, "I'm choosing not to worry until I get information otherwise." 24 hours later my 7 week-old embryo measured 6 weeks. Blood test. Repeat blood test: not viable. Wait for m/c. I realize my one, early m/c is nothing compared to what so many women have gone through. I'm not comparing. But when one is infertile or had a pregnancy go south, fear just comes with the territory. Not your garden variety fear of a passing thought, "I hope everything is ok", and then you go blissfully through your day belly-rubbing and browsing changing tables. I mean dead baby thoughts. I mean the constant looking for blood in the undies. I mean wondering when, not if, you'll m/c and hoping it's not when you are at work or when your DH is out of town. It's a terror that has to be constantly fought otherwise I would collapse into a heap of pointless sobbing. The irrational terror which makes one think that if you get too happy or too comfortable you will actually cause it all the go to pot.

The time between Beta and that first u/s is the worst. Too early for symptoms which can be so reassuring. No evidence of a heartbeat so higher m/c rates apply. After that heartbeat is seen one has actual scientific evidence to worry less. (That evidence usually makes me worry less for about a week). It's pretty much what most of us in the infertile community experiences.

This being a DE cycle I was worried becasue I was NOT feeling that way. I was happy, content, secure. I have just felt certain I would have a baby in August. With young, healthy eggs why wouldn't I?

I wondered about the reasons for my terror-less existence. Was it becasue this was a second child? Maybe you are less worried the second time around. Maybe the fact that this is a DE baby and has better chance of being healthy than with my own eggs made me worry less. Maybe it was becasue I have a half dozen on ice that made me less terrified becasue even if this pregnancy did go south I would eventually have a baby. But mostly I worried that it was becasue this is not my genetic child and as a result I felt less connected and less worried. That thought was really disturbing.

Maybe I had made a HUGE mistake. Maybe I wouldn't love this child as my own. Maybe I will always feel differently about her (gut instinct that's it's a girl). I couldn't even blog about it I found it so disturbing.

And then worry started to creep in. I do have dead baby thoughts and while it really sucks I am relieved that I 'm not going to be a horrible mother to this baby. Ok, I might be a crappy mom but it wont be becasue I'm not the genetic mom. I can be a crappy mother to both this child and Piccolina. Hey man, I'm an equal opportunity crap-mom. Such relief!

I'm terrified and it's comforting. It's also highly well...terrifying. It's a damned if you do and dammed if you don't situation. But I'm taking it all in and remaining so grateful to be able to have these thoughts.

My latest Beta was 8,206. 6 days ago it was 885. Doubling time in 1.86 days. Everything is on track. U/S on Friday. I will be 6 weeks 1 day. Looking for that flicker that will sustain my faith.

I don't just want a baby. I want this baby. I'm so relieved and terrified to feel that way. But mostly I am grateful.


Anonymous said...

I completely understand and sympathize with your feelings. I have all kinds of plans for when (not if) things hit the fan. Different ways to handle certain situations....damage control.

How you've approached this pregnancy is exactly what I hope to do, provided I get a positive test. But even in that in-between time, I hope to be as worry-free as possible. I know I'm going to be scared shitless all the way through, and I'm tired of living like I'm constantly braced for impact, which I am. Bless your heart, you described that irrational terror so, so well.

Maybe your confidence came from being sick of being scared. A great big "fuck off" to the universe! Who knows? It most definitely didn't come from not caring about "this" baby...

Marie said...

I am so happy for you and I keep hoping and praying that you will see this little miracle in a little less than 9 months.

Shelli said...

Preaching to the choir, friend.

I am used to constantly living in a state of dread. The only thing that makes me happy is now that I've abandoned my eggs for good, it gives me a little bit of power.

A big F YOU to the universe, if you will.

I wish I was right there in the same spot as you, because something tells me I may have the exact same emotions. You can remind me of this if/when I get there.

Since I'm not you, but just a person looking in from the outside, I feel such positivity for you. And that's no BS.

Jojobee said...

I also understand all the fears you're having, although I've never had a mc, it's having IF that does this mind game thing with us, I'm sure having a previous mc doesn't add to the stress and worry either. I'm still, to this day, checking for blood, although I know I'm "safer."

I cannot wait until you have your u/s on Friday and I'm praying for that little flicker of a heart beat! I know you'll see something reassuring in there.

I'm not going to tell you to stop worrying, because you won't, but please, after Friday, just have some reassurance and try to not worry for that moment!

Many big (((hugs))) and prayers.

Jewels said...

I relate to the "When - not if" you m/c.
I was feeling bad for scheduling my IUI before christmas because I thought "What a horrible time to have a m/c" - then I thought to may self "what makes you think you'll have a m/c then- your body may wait until after the new year"

I'm sick :P

Melbagirl said...

It's natural to worry. We're all here thinking of you. You're not alone!

I think you're with a group of worriers here that's for sure!

However, there are good statistics for us who have had miscarriages on this page:

Best of luck!

PJ said...

What a fantastic beta number!!! Whoaaaaa!!!

Yep. I know the miscarriage that I had will make me think differently if I get do get pregnant with this one. I'm not going to run out and tell my family this time, until maybe after the first u/s or maybe even later. Maybe. That's hard because they all know we're doing IVF.

bleu said...

I am so interested and moved and , ugh I don't even have the right words, I so dig what you have been writing about this process. I am 21 weeks pregnant and hang on your every word to find out how it will be for me with DE which is so strange and likely making no sense.

I just want to thank you for sharing such amazing honesty and letting me be a part of this amazing journey you are on.

chicklet said...

I've never been where you are but I had a friend who went through multiple miscarriages and even I had dead baby thoughts for her. You can't not worry when you know more. Knowledge is dangerous. I'm hoping you get to keep getting good news and slowly, have less of those bad thoughts - not none, just less.

Lori said...

You've taken a play out of my book that says the best way through confusing emotions is straight. Examine them, sit with them, and they have the best chance of resolving.

Congrats on a great beginning.

Renovation Girl said...

I have to tell you that as I read through this, I was terrified where you were going with this post...I almost didn't want to read to the end, but I'm glad I did!!! That Beta looks wonderful!!! I know that fear of which you write-it's gripping, all-consuming, and ever present. I thought it would stop when I got to the second trimester, then the third, then I thought-once I deliver. It's so tough.

On a brighter note, I love the "equal opportunity crap-mom" line. SHould I ever be blessed with another baby, I, too, will be living up to the title. ;)

Brenda said...

Wow, Peeveme, we are more "twinny" than I thought. (Well, I haven't had a miscarriage before.) However, that is all I can think about. I won't call myself pregnant. I won't think about due dates. I cannot or will not believe that this has actually worked. I am always "waiting for the other shoe to drop." Always.

Gah, I know how you feel. And it sucks. I hope that the end of the week will bring us a little relief.

Evil Stepmonster said...

Oh g-d, I feel exactly the same. Is there any way we can just fast-forward to the ultrasound? But even then will that stop the DBT?

Best wishes to you.

Anonymous said...

I don't know anything about being pregnant, but I'm sure your fears are well founded hun. {{{{HUGS}}}} I'm thinking good thoughts for you!

Teresa said...

You are amazing. I can't even begin to imagine everything that you've been through regarding fertility treatment but I do understand the almost crippling fears. Hopefully they'll start to melt away along with your entire body come August...whew you'll probably be laying naked across your air conditioner June-July. I hope you own a lap top hehe