Thursday, December 18, 2008

Short Update

Didn't mean to drop off the face of the earth. With work and getting ready for the holidays and battling mornings sickness and fatigue I just don't have the time or the raw material to post. Seriously, nobody wants to hear me whine about being tired and sick or about the gifts I purchased on Amazondotcom (House season 4 [Aunt], Monk season 6 [Great Aunt], a new scale for me and a book for Mr. Peeveme).

I'm still alive. I'm sure baby is still alive. In the grand scheme of things everything is wonderful.

I have been been alternately sorting out and ignoring emotions regarding this DE thing. It will be time to write about them soon enough but I want to let things congeal a bit. It's just still really present in my mind (the fact that this child is from a donor). Everyone said, "You'll never even think about it" but I do. I am. I imagine I always will. Not that I regret it. Not that it takes away from the excitement, anticipation and love for this child that I feel. But I am still sad that my eggs couldn't do it. Still anticipating a life full of little things that will make me sad. Or big things that will make my children sad and maybe even feel disconnected. I cringe when I think about that. The effect this will have on them. But I always say I need to deal with things as they are and not as I wish them to be. I also think that if I don't think this through I wont be able to help my children through whatever they may go through when it's time for them to know. (That sentence needs a serious re-write)

In many ways I think this journey of DE has just started. I thought it would be over when I got pregnant but now I see it will be a part of everything for a long time.


Teresa said...

This is like adoption on speed and I love it. My dad adopted me and I never feel disconnected to him ever. He's my dad no matter what. So my mom's related to me by blood but my dad is related to me by heart and I'd never wish for it any other way. I know your situation is different but I wanted you to know one perspective from someone that was adopted. I recommend it to all of my friends. :)

Andrea said...

I love hearing your perspective. I do anticipate if we do DE I will feel the same way. Sometimes when having conversations with friends and they are talking about family history (their mom's pregnancy experiences, etc.)and things like that, I get sad because I know my future child(ren) may not know half of their genetic history. I just hope they will be happy to have been brought into the owrld and know that they were soooo wanted we did anything we could to have them. I'm sure you will be a great mom and any child will feel lucky to have you no matter if it was your egg or not.

Thanks for you well wishes. According to my PCP, any thyroid problem can really mess with ovarian function, so I guess this whole thing really could have caused my POF. I'm also wonderng how long it will take for my cycles to resume (if they're going to)after having it out. This is kinda uncharted territory, so I'm not sure anyone really knows. We'll see :)

Pepper said...

Are you a member of any DE communities, such as online groups? Sometimes reading about others who are going through the same thing is helpful. I know it helped me sort through a lot of questions I had about ADI and sometimes it's nice to know that others have had similar thoughts.

Hope you're feeling better soon.

bleu said...

I am sl glad you are writing about this, you just never really read about this perspective and I am so moved by your process.

I also think kids want to hear their history, no matter how it came about the just like hearing the story.

Love to you hun.

Anonymous said...

{{{HUGS}}} I'm here to listen and provide support in any way I can.

areyoukiddingme said...

I can't imagine that you wouldn't have a huge variety of emotions about donor eggs. Good thing you have months to organize all your feelings and determine the best way to act on them. Regardless, you will love your children the same, which will be the part that makes the emotions easier to deal with. You're very brave!

nancy said...

Since I really have never put much thought into it and I'm too braindead right now to do it, let me just leave you with a big ~hug~.

Melbagirl said...

I will also have all these things to deal with (although i think they are on the back-burner for now as I am simply just making it from day to day hoping the little thing stays in there!).

I think about what I will tell my baby and I just don't know how I will say it. I don't know what I will say, when I will say it and even who I should say it to. I would actually not tell my child (because that's the chicken's way out) but it smarter to tell.

I worry about the consequences but even though it's not our sperm, and not our egg, I am just so bloody desperate for a baby that I don't care just yet. I've committed to breaking the news that we used donors when I'm four months pregnant but I shouldn't have. I made the commitment to my niece (one of our donors) ... I really only made that commitment for her sake; so the family would know they were her eggs. I'm sure she wouldn't care if I changed my mind.

Now you have just made me realise ... I too am going to struggle with this. I'm just not ready. There's just so much to process. And you have to get it right ... you can't backtrack. I need more time.

I totally understand where you are coming from.

sarah said...

I think it's like a spiral--you process it at one level, and then you move to another, and process it anew. But, as you get closer and closer to the center, the issues are clearer, the pain is less intense, and the path out more obvious.
Take care