Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Super weekend...sucky week so far

I had a super -cool weekend where I did actual social stuff and had actual fun. I think it was fun. It's been so long since I did anything during a weekend other than scrub toilets and iron so my assessment of "fun" is more academic than visceral. Let's see, there was mirth and amusement, playfulness, enjoyment and drinking. That's pretty-much the text-book definition of fun (I threw in my own little personalized twist at the end there). And after an unprecedented fun-weekend I land straight into a crappy week. I'm toying with the idea that my week only seems crappy in comparison to all the fun. Like, I've been smart to not have fun on the weekends because I would not notice the work-week sucking so much by comparison. I mean, there is not much of a fun-differential between toilet scrubbing and working on a tedious data query. My weekend-to-work-week fun ratio was pretty much 1 (On a scale of 1-10, 10 being fun, if my weekend is a 2 and the work week is a 2....2/2 ...fun ratio = 1). So if I were to ratchet up that weekend fun to, say a 9, it would throw my whole ratio off. Now, I know for a fact that my weekend was fun. But does my week suck? Or is it just sucky in comparison to the weekend? After much thought and a few statistical models (including nonparametric models, of course!) I conclude that my week is somewhat sucky. Not world-shaking sucky....just hurt feelings sucky with a dollop of infertility stress and hormonal imbalance.

Saturday: After speeding through some housework Me. Peeveme, Piccolina and I drove out to San Francisco so I could meet up with some awesome women at BlogHer. Mr. Peeveme spent his time with Piccolina playing in Union Square. I met Mel, Lori, Pamela Jeanne, Luna, Dramalish, Millie. I also found some wonderful women who I don't currently read but I will now.

I rushed into the room about 15 mins after the panel started. Bridge traffic in the Bay Area is always trouble. I did not have a ticket so I had to sneak in. Now, I hate doing things by breaking the rules. I am a team player. I am a rule follower. The registration shut down before I knew about BlogHer so I had no way to pay. I would have gladly written them a check....hey...I'd have given someone a hand job...I'd rather do this on the up-and-up but since that was not an option I was getting in somehow or another. Turns out my anxiety was unwarranted.

After the panel I introduced myself around. Everyone was warm, and interesting and interested. I picked up some IVF clinic tips from Millie (Man, that women knows her stuff), swapped Nurse Good News stories with Dramalish, got to bask in the good-vibe of Luna, Pamela Jeanne said she'd check out my bog (really Pamela Jeanne...my bog...I'm not worthy), nervously chatted with Mel, told her I got my Round-up assignment done, met her handsome husband, and told the famous Lori my elaborate cover-story for sneaking into BlogHer which, sadly, I did not get to use due to the very poor security procedures (were there any?). I walked right in unbadged. I don't need no stinkin badge!

After kissing our goodbyes and promises of keeping in touch, I met up with Mr. Peeveme and Piccolina who had much fun walking up and down the steps of Union Square. Actually, she would have had fun anywhere with stairs. We did not have to drive an hour out of our way for that. But it sounds much cooler to say we went to Union Square than say, Union City. No offense to Union City. Union City is lovely and has far fewer bag ladies than Union Square. No offense to Bag Ladies. We then sped off to go to my parent's house in the North Bay. My little brother and his wife were there. The had some friends visiting from Germany. We hung out eating, drinking and having fun conversations (much sanitized due to our guests...I can tell a story without being crass..I know hard to believe). Before leaving I made sure to short-sheet my brother's bed. I did say there was mirth involved didn't I?

Sunday: Everyone slept late (by late I mean 7:45). I did some obligatory house work and grocery shopping all the time hanging out with Piccolina. We took a nice walk together up a hill near where we live.

She insists on that hat all the time. Even when it's warm

I had my iph*ne so I took some pictures and listened to music. I've rediscovered music. I forgot how much music transforms one's mood, reminds me of old times, lifts my spirits. I'm so happy I have this thing. What a difference a week makes. Two weeks ago I was ready to throw it away. Now it brings me joy.

At about 4:30 I loaded up the stroller with a blanket, some snacks, and some warm sweaters to take Francesca to the park for a free summer concert. We found ourselves a nice spot and had an absolute blast together.

Lots of people with picnics. Friends and neighbors chatting. Community.

Piccolina danced.

I used my iph*one camera some more.

Sorry, photo has been redacted.

Kid-mosh pit

Then we walked home up the big hill as the fog rolled in.

Just a nice weekend. I realize other people live like this all the time. Not us. leisure and amusement are special occasions lately.

And then it was Monday.

You know what? After writing all that I don't feel like complaining. There are some things at work that are bothering me but it doesn't seem like a big deal anymore. In a few days I will able to write about some of them in a humorous way rather than a grumpy, intense way. I'm choosing not to stress-out over things that are of little to no consequence or out of my control. Them's the new rules of Freaking Out.

I'll just update on my IVF stuff.

Got Af way early. Sorry-ass 9 day luteal phase (for the non infertile it should be about 14 days). No big deal. Just more evidence that my eggs are old and of poor quality. But we knew that already. I have my meds (all $4,800 worth). Tomorrow I go in for my baseline ultra sound. If I get the all-clear I start meds tomorrow. I get to shoot-up meds at work in the evening since I am working until 8:30 each night this week.....not complaining just stating a fact.

Since it's somewhat of a tradition to take a picture of all your meds here you go.

That's 4 boxes of Menopure, 3-1050 boxes of Gonal-F, 2-450 boxes of Gonal-F. Plus all the other stuff.

Update after baseline u/s: Now this is something to be upset about. Antral count = 3. Three on the left, none on the right. Not good. In fact, that's down right crappy. Still, can't freak out because I have no control over it. I wonder if the Dr. will want me to skip this cycle. It's not like things will get any better when I'm a month or two older. Might as well ride this thing to the end. But 3 really sucks. And I'm fearful that this IVF wont be any better than the last one.

So I went from thinking this week sucked...talked myself out of it...and then my ovaries talked me right back into sucking.


Lori said...

Please, PLEASE do a post on your cover story.

I want to be served.

I'm so glad you risked coming, you rule-minder. It was great to see you, if even for a short time.

Your daughter is gorgeous!

soapchick said...

Amber - I'm so glad you had a fun weekend. How cool to meet Mel and all of those other bloggers in real life! Your daughter is adorable and I love her name. I don't know if you noticed but that is one of the names on my list on the homepage of my blog! In fact Paolo is too!

Now regarding the antral follicle count. I would honestly think long and hard and possibly cancel this month and see if next month is better. Last year for my first IVF at the sucky clinic I had an antral count of 5 and we went forward with the IVF, but I didn't know any better at the time. At the clinic where I go now my doctor wouldn't have gone forward with anything under 6. The good news is that in subsequent months I had antral counts of 13, 11, etc. Granted IVF #2 failed anyway and I still have sucky eggs, but at least with more follicles you have a better shot. I don't mean to be Debbie Downer and you need to do what is right for you, but that is a lot of money to spend and pain to go through when you may not even make it to transfer with so few follicles. Again I apologize if I am butting in and being too opinionated, so please feel free to ignore everything I say!

luna said...

wow, lots going on! first I'm SO glad to have met you, and even more so that you didn't need no stinking badge OR have to give a hand job.

that pic of you and francesca is just gorgeous!!! glad you had such a good weekend.

I don't think I realized you were about to begin cycling! wishing you all the best with that crazy box o' meds. looking forward to tracking your progress. have a better week!

alicia said...

wow what a great weekend! I wish I was able to go to blogher, sounds so fun! sorry about the follicle count, when will you know what is happening?

here from ICLW

Marie said...

I really hope your week gets better and if not...2 1/2 days till the weekend!

I do not know anything about IVF...yet, but I hope everything goes as smooth as possible.

I also hope the shots do not hurt that bad and you do not bloat.

That is really all I know about it

Danaly said...

so glad I know you Amber, so sad you are have to go through this crap! I'm praying for you. Danaly