Thursday, July 24, 2008

Yes, I am a lunatic and need to calm down. But I think out loud and these are my thoughts. Plus a patheticlly-sobbing letter to my future self.

The Dr. called. I expected a bit more ass-kissing. She was somewhat defensive and I was doing my best to not be offensive. Seriously, I know I sound all crass and confident but I actually do have a very hard time standing up for myself in situations that involve conflict. She did apologize but more in a "sorry you feel that way manner". Not truly sorry. I should know. I'm the QUEEN of the "sorry you feel that way" non-apology. (On my list of things to change. I fact, done. I will no longer do that. I will own my stuff.)

She sounded so tired and stressed herself. She said she had 12 patients to call after me. All the more reason why I dislike this clinic.

She kept approaching it medically. I finally said, "If I had this conversation even 5 hours ago I would be fine. The fact is that somewhere in the past day this has gone from a medical question to an emotional and business-practice one."

Her stance is that I have two options: 1) cycle 2) cancel and start again next month. No Duh. I also have a third which is find another clinic. All of those options make me cry.

She does not think the antral count is a problem (that info would have been...helpful oh say ....7 hours ago). Does not think starting meds at 6pm on CD 3 makes any difference at all. I disagree but I don't have an MD so I have to give her the benefit of the doubt (at what point do I gave them the unbenefit of the doubt?)

The option that makes me cry the least is option 1. I hate making decisions based on emotions. I'm tougher than that. I'm more logical than that. At the same time my boss (I know, how embarrassing. It was clear that something was wrong and she wanted to know what's going on so I just let her know...she's a former infertile.) Anyhow, my boss said that I have to cut myself some slack. I should do what I can live with. I don't always have to be so logical.

However, on the logical side, the Dr. does not think that the things I'm concerned about (low antral/late meds)make any difference. If I take that at face value then my emotionally-based decision is also the logically-based decision. So option 2 seems unnecessary. Damn you Ph.D and my carefully studied skill of reasoning. I do have a statistics background and you know what that means? I can make data say anything I want it to say.

Options 3: find another clinic. Who says it will be better anywhere else? Who says the 3-4 month's it takes to get going with another clinic wont hurt my chances more than just cycling now while my eggs are 3-4 months younger?

My goal is to get pregnant as soon as possible. The other options just feel like I'm taking a step backwards.

I'm acutely aware that these words may come back to bite me. I sense cringing in my future.

Dear future Peeveme,

Try to remember how these past few days have been. Heck, remember how hard these past 18 months have been: the m/c, the 4 back-to-bask failed iui's, the diminished ovarian reserve diagnosis, the failed IVF, the unrelenting stress of the step-son, the lack of privacy in my own home, Mr. Peeveme's terrible job and all the traveling, the stress of the 3 mortgages plus the huge commercial building that is taking 2 years longer to complete than expected, the new business that is taking 6 months longer to open that expected. I have been so strong and tough, forging ahead with a stiff upper lip the whole time. I didn't even take one day off during the m/c. I just went to work, came home, had a m/c after dinner then went back to work the next morning. (Mr. Peeveme did do the dishes that night...cuz I'm such a slacker)

Today I had to cut myself some slack and do what makes me cry the least. I'm sorry if it was the wrong decision. I'm sorry if this decision cost us having a bio-baby. I'm sorry if present-day me makes future-day-me angry because I made a decision based on weakness and not strength. I own that completely and I am truly sorry.

As you read this try to have compassion for where you are today. How tired you are. How desperate you are. How much you must have wanted this to have made what now looks like a stupid decision (and kinda looks stupid right now as well). Right now you are working on being compassionate to others. As you look back try to have some compassion for yourself, too.

Day one of stims done.

I'd like to say it can only get better but why tempt fate?


soapchick said...

Amber - sending you much peace, tranquility and positive thoughts. Tomorrow will be a better day! Go forward and now focus on getting those 3 follicles to grow big and strong!

Mrs. Spit said...

Oh Amber:

One of the things I realized with my bout of PE was that sometimes you have to give in on the battle to win the war.

To win the war, you have to decide what it is. And it's ok sometimes to decide that your sanity is worth more than anything. It's the ultimate war.

luna said...

oh amber, what a day you've had. Im sorry this whole thing has been so stressful. now it's time to sit back and let those meds do their job. hoping you have a great response!

MamaSoon said...

Wow. You stress is palpable. I hope in your next check up, you will have some good looking follies. Good luck to you. A letter to future self is a good idea. Ever hear of

PJ said...

Still sending you some zen! :) Sounds like you're feeling a tad better about things, and I hope that continues.

Not meaning to sound condescending, but sometimes when you've got a lot riding on one decision, you've gotta just let go and just roll with it. Take one day at a time.

Hope today is spectacularly better!

seriously? said...

Here from ICLW. I am so sorry you are having these issues with your clinic.

I hope you have an enjoyable weekend.

Martha said...

Sending my best wishes to you, and please be kind to yourself. You sound incredible, thanks for sharing. I am very moved and so hope for the best for you and your family. Visiting from ILCW.

nancy said...

sending you many ~hugs~

Joonie said...

Under the circumstances, I think you are doing marvelously well. Try to cut yourself some slack. I don't think there is a right or wrong decision. You are making the only decision you can right now and that's all that matters. Hugs!

Cassandra said...

Here from ICLW...
The RE's certainly think that switching clinics makes a difference. Though he doesn't name names, my RE is full of bad things to say about the way that some other people do business, mismanage cycles, don't monitor properly, overdo certain meds, etc.

I've also known long-time infertiles who had strong feelings about the pros and cons of each clinic/doc. I know one woman who had IVFs at 7 different clinics, and was convinced that everyone except #7 (my first RE, actually, world-famous Dr. Fancy Pants) was totally incompetent. Of course, #7 was the one that resulted in a baby. Did competence lead to success, or did success lead to perception of competence? Probably both.

Personally, having been to a different clinic since Dr. Fancy Pants because I moved to a new city, there are a lot of things he did wrong, like not doing an HSG until after I'd failed several clomid cycles. Assessment was my reason for coming in the first place!

If I were in your position, I would cycle now, but I would start looking into new clinics to move the process along for future cycles. In theory, there shouldn't be that much lead time at a new clinic because they can use all of the existing test results and info from other cycles.