The Dr. called. I expected a bit more ass-kissing. She was somewhat defensive and I was doing my best to not be offensive. Seriously, I know I sound all crass and confident but I actually do have a very hard time standing up for myself in situations that involve conflict. She did apologize but more in a "sorry you feel that way manner". Not truly sorry. I should know. I'm the QUEEN of the "sorry you feel that way" non-apology. (On my list of things to change. I fact, done. I will no longer do that. I will own my stuff.)
She sounded so tired and stressed herself. She said she had 12 patients to call after me. All the more reason why I dislike this clinic.
She kept approaching it medically. I finally said, "If I had this conversation even 5 hours ago I would be fine. The fact is that somewhere in the past day this has gone from a medical question to an emotional and business-practice one."
Her stance is that I have two options: 1) cycle 2) cancel and start again next month. No Duh. I also have a third which is find another clinic. All of those options make me cry.
She does not think the antral count is a problem (that info would have been...helpful oh say ....7 hours ago). Does not think starting meds at 6pm on CD 3 makes any difference at all. I disagree but I don't have an MD so I have to give her the benefit of the doubt (at what point do I gave them the unbenefit of the doubt?)
The option that makes me cry the least is option 1. I hate making decisions based on emotions. I'm tougher than that. I'm more logical than that. At the same time my boss (I know, how embarrassing. It was clear that something was wrong and she wanted to know what's going on so I just let her know...she's a former infertile.) Anyhow, my boss said that I have to cut myself some slack. I should do what I can live with. I don't always have to be so logical.
However, on the logical side, the Dr. does not think that the things I'm concerned about (low antral/late meds)make any difference. If I take that at face value then my emotionally-based decision is also the logically-based decision. So option 2 seems unnecessary. Damn you Ph.D and my carefully studied skill of reasoning. I do have a statistics background and you know what that means? I can make data say anything I want it to say.
Options 3: find another clinic. Who says it will be better anywhere else? Who says the 3-4 month's it takes to get going with another clinic wont hurt my chances more than just cycling now while my eggs are 3-4 months younger?
My goal is to get pregnant as soon as possible. The other options just feel like I'm taking a step backwards.
I'm acutely aware that these words may come back to bite me. I sense cringing in my future.
Dear future Peeveme,
Try to remember how these past few days have been. Heck, remember how hard these past 18 months have been: the m/c, the 4 back-to-bask failed iui's, the diminished ovarian reserve diagnosis, the failed IVF, the unrelenting stress of the step-son, the lack of privacy in my own home, Mr. Peeveme's terrible job and all the traveling, the stress of the 3 mortgages plus the huge commercial building that is taking 2 years longer to complete than expected, the new business that is taking 6 months longer to open that expected. I have been so strong and tough, forging ahead with a stiff upper lip the whole time. I didn't even take one day off during the m/c. I just went to work, came home, had a m/c after dinner then went back to work the next morning. (Mr. Peeveme did do the dishes that night...cuz I'm such a slacker)
Today I had to cut myself some slack and do what makes me cry the least. I'm sorry if it was the wrong decision. I'm sorry if this decision cost us having a bio-baby. I'm sorry if present-day me makes future-day-me angry because I made a decision based on weakness and not strength. I own that completely and I am truly sorry.
As you read this try to have compassion for where you are today. How tired you are. How desperate you are. How much you must have wanted this to have made what now looks like a stupid decision (and kinda looks stupid right now as well). Right now you are working on being compassionate to others. As you look back try to have some compassion for yourself, too.
Day one of stims done.
I'd like to say it can only get better but why tempt fate?