Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Trying not to freak out...loosing the battle

With tears steaming down my face I made a call to the donor egg bank. If I were reading about someone with an antral follicle count of 3 I'd be shaking my head thinking they should give up on their eggs and save their money for DE.

It's 3:30 and my clinic has not called me. This is not a good sign. Even of they let me cycle wouldn't it be crazy to cycle with 3 antrals?

I just bought 5K worth of non-refundable meds.

If we do DE and the one donor I can accept works out I'm looking at over 30K. The egg bank charges $7500...just for them. This does not include the donor's compensation (7K) and all the cycle charges (12-16K), and travel/accommodations (1-2K), and a lawyer to write up a contract (1K). My DE requirements are so specific. I can't imagine the smaller-local pool of donors my clinic has would fit the bill for me.

This is of huge consequence.

I think I should cancel. But at the back of my head is a glimmer of hope. Maybe it was their crappy u/s machine that can't see antrals? Maybe I had 3 antrals last time too so going ahead with 3 this time isn't a problem. Maybe estrogen priming shrinks your antrals. I know I'm kidding myself. If they'd just call and let me know so I can stop worrying about what's going to happen and just deal with what has happened.

I'm at work and can't stop sobbing.

11 comments:

Mrs. Spit said...

Sending hugs. I'm sorry.

PJ said...

That's sooo much to think about. I'm so sorry.

Sending you some zen, and a hug. Let us know what comes of everything.

Shelli said...

Amber, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this right now. Take a deep breath.

What has your doctor recommended and will they re-evaluate tomorrow? Maybe it was a lousy u/s? I've had a few of them in my days.

((HUGS))

Lisa said...

I know what you mean. We are gearing up to do IVF #6, which will most likely be our last before going to DE. We actually decided to go DE in May '07, paid the money, got on the DE list at our clinic, but decided to keep trying. But, we're also at the end and this is our last shot. I wish you the best of luck!!

luna said...

ugh, amber. that is a lot to consider. hope your clinic has some answers that will help you make a decision soon.

Dreams Come True said...

I am so sorry. As the other posters have said, I'm sending hugs.

Frenchie said...

I am so sorry, Amber. My heart is hurting for you. I hate this high FSH sh*t. I am not an expert, so this might be a dumb question, but is there any chance a day or two from now some more Antrals could show up? I hope you get your call from the DR so you can hash it out. I'm so sorry. Hugs from here.

Ophelia said...

That sucks :(

{{{{HUGS}}}}

soapchick said...

Amber - I'm so sorry honey. I know how hard this is, especially because you already have your beautiful Francesca and you would love a sibling for her. Just breathe and remember that things will get better. You may have to go down a different road than you planned, but it will be okay. Take time for yourself to cry, scream, grieve. Sending you hugs and prayers.

Jewels said...

Hi Amber, I just needed to stop by and say thank you so much for the beautiful poems. They mean so much to me and add healing to my heart.
Your going through hard times too, still, again, all the above, I will pray for you too.
~hugs~

Marie said...

Oh honey, I hope this works out. I will thinking about you today.