I wish I had better news. Miraculous news. The type of news that would make me an internet legend. The type of news where my negative pregnancy tests at 11dpo and 12dpo reversed themselves and HCG made an unlikely and amazing comeback. Alas, I will not be an internet legend. Per usual, I am the mean, not the outlier.
With a negative pregnancy test at 13dpo I think we can safely call IVF #2, the last with my own eggs, a failure. Thank you so much for your thoughts, good wishes and comments. It helps a lot. I know I am not alone and that helps me so much. You understand everything I am going through so much more than anyone I know IRL.
I'm staying home today with my little girl. She is the best medicine. So grateful for her. My heart really goes out to those struggling with primary infertility.
I will start moving forward with DE right away. I know it will take months to set up and at the end of the day all I really want is to be pregnant and build my family. I am so, so sad that I don't get to do what seems like a god -given right. At the same time I'm grateful for what I do have. I'm grateful for the science that allows me to still move forward even if it's not my first choice.
In addition to all the medical, financial, logistical and legal issues I will have to nail down in the next few months I will also need to work on the emotional/spiritual aspects of DE. The other things are pretty much cut-and-dry steps to follow. The emotional/spiritual road is a less clear to me.
In a lot of ways I have been doing that work for months. I have been really thinking about what it is to me a mom. What is family. What is heritage. Privacy. Stigma. Shame. Selfishness. Selflessness. Sacrifice.
Much to think about. Much to write about. Much to just sit with.