Wednesday, August 20, 2008

10dp3dt (13DPO)....OK, DE it is....

I wish I had better news. Miraculous news. The type of news that would make me an internet legend. The type of news where my negative pregnancy tests at 11dpo and 12dpo reversed themselves and HCG made an unlikely and amazing comeback. Alas, I will not be an internet legend. Per usual, I am the mean, not the outlier.

With a negative pregnancy test at 13dpo I think we can safely call IVF #2, the last with my own eggs, a failure. Thank you so much for your thoughts, good wishes and comments. It helps a lot. I know I am not alone and that helps me so much. You understand everything I am going through so much more than anyone I know IRL.

I'm staying home today with my little girl. She is the best medicine. So grateful for her. My heart really goes out to those struggling with primary infertility.

I will start moving forward with DE right away. I know it will take months to set up and at the end of the day all I really want is to be pregnant and build my family. I am so, so sad that I don't get to do what seems like a god -given right. At the same time I'm grateful for what I do have. I'm grateful for the science that allows me to still move forward even if it's not my first choice.

In addition to all the medical, financial, logistical and legal issues I will have to nail down in the next few months I will also need to work on the emotional/spiritual aspects of DE. The other things are pretty much cut-and-dry steps to follow. The emotional/spiritual road is a less clear to me.

In a lot of ways I have been doing that work for months. I have been really thinking about what it is to me a mom. What is family. What is heritage. Privacy. Stigma. Shame. Selfishness. Selflessness. Sacrifice.

Much to think about. Much to write about. Much to just sit with.

13 comments:

bleu said...

I am so very sorry. I know how painful it is. Every IVF cycle during the 2ww I would pull up the India clinic I would use for donor embryo's if I cannot keep a pregnancy of my own eggs. I keep it up and read through much info and would try to start to wrap my head around it. I am so sorry for your loss of biology right now and also so excited at your prospects. I know how much family building means to you, I know how hard secondary IF is even though we are also so lucky.

Much much love and light.

Shelli said...

Amber, I am sorry. Being a fellow SIF buddy, I can relate to the feelings you are having. It is especially front and center in my mind today knowing I am mere steps away from the same emotions.
Peace to you during this time, and much support whatever path you take. xo

Jewels said...

Oh hun ~hugs~ I cant even begin to imagine what your feeling right now, I am so sorry for all your losses, your broken dreams, my heart hurts for you. I'm glad you have your little girl to help you and to focus on and be grateful for, but sometimes, for me, it hurts to have to turn to being grateful to help me through hard times, knowing I have to let go of a dream. I wished there was something I could do for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers every day.

Ophelia said...

I'm very sorry :( Secondary Infertility must bring on it's own set of heartache in a way... like, the frustration of knowing that you did it before, it shouldn't be this hard this time around and why can't you do it again? Meanwhile, while I've never had any PG related experience, so my suffering is very different, although I believe your pain is well warranted given your situation. I hope a miracle happens for you hun. I truly do.

Marie said...

Amber,
I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am. I hope that everything with DE falls into place for you and you can make a decision that satisfies all aspects of your family.

luna said...

so sorry, amber. that rots.

glad you've got your next steps mapped out. have you ever read kami's blog "are we there yet"? she just had a little girl via DE and I think she's been very candid about her struggle to accept that route from the beginning. of course now she's over the moon with a little one at home....

nancy said...

I'm so sorry. ~hugs~

renovationgirl said...

Sigh...Not the news I wanted to hear today. I was hoping you'd be that legend, too. We did our first acupuncture month and my period is just starting. Bummer. Thought maybe I could be that legend, too. I am so sorry this didn't work.

PJ said...

I'm sorry that this cycle didn't work. It does sound like you are pretty level headed and seeking, if not finding some peace in the idea of donor eggs. And that, I admire.

Hugs

andi said...

Hey Amber - damn - sorry to read your news!! I was hoping for a miracle for you. I'd take my time getting over the loss - mourning your embryos - before thinking too deeply.

Hope you are doing okay.

xx

Chelle said...

I'm sorry. I wish you were an internet legend too. I hope that everything works out (emotionally expecially) with DE.

((HUGS))

Frenchie said...

Amber--
UGH!
I have been keeping away from blogland a bit, but was hoping to check in here and here about a positive. I know you wanted that more than anything, obviously... I admire your spirit and your strength. You are going forward and not succumbing to the suckiness of infertility. You are wise to recognize the emotional road ahead with DE. I will be rooting for you.

Joonie said...

I'm very sorry this cycle didn't work out for you. I know that IF is painful, whether it's primary or secondary. I don't think your desire to have children is predicated on how many you already have or don't have. Best wishes and hugs,
Joonie