Thursday, August 21, 2008

Null hypothesis

I'm usually pretty good with facing down disappointment. I take it in, accept it and move on. I like to POAS early because it prepares me for disappointment. With each negative I can calculate with increasing accuracy the likelihood that I am or am not pregnant. By Day 13 it's abotu 95% accurate (and in my experience it 100% accurate). I can handle disappointment pretty well; it's the not knowing I can't take. I hate suspense. I hate false hope. I find false hope a weakness. An inability to suck it up and face reality.

Which is why I'm so mad at myself right now. I have this little, tiny, niggling of...maybe. I'm trying to just close my mind off from the possibility but the tests....those damn-free HPT tests. You know the kind that they throw in with the Ovulation Predictor Kits? I used one on Wednesday morning. It was negative. But then I noticed the evaporation line. I know, I know you are never supposed to look at the test after the 3 mins is up. No real color to it but there is a shadow where the line should be. I know it means nothing....but that did not stop me from staring at it all day. It was enough to make me damn my botox injections because I could not squint effectively. It's THAT faint. An evap line is not a pregnancy...especially at 13dpo. But I never have gotten and evap line before without some HCG in my system. But, But, But pthththththth!

I would not have mentioned this at all if not for the shenanigans that were afoot in my bathroom this morning. I had another chance to get that 100% confirmation of negatively before the blood draw, right? Surely, it would be negative and I'd know that all was settled.

I got NO lines. So not only does my urine lack HCG but it now lacks well...urine, I guess. Are you fucking kidding me? A defective test? Seriously? For reals? It was another one of those free-bee's. Serves me right for being such a lazy cheap-ass. I guess it would have been too much effort to go and buy some pregnancy tests. No I'll just use these free ones that have been under my sink for goodness knows how long and have a HCG sensitivity of 50 instead of some good test that have an HCG sensitivity of 25 or less. Having just spent 16K (over 30K since April) on IVf I'm sooo glad I saved myself $20!

What was I thinking not having at least two boxes of FREDs in the house? What kind of self-confessed stick pee-er am I?

I'm not writing about this to get some "there's still hope" comments. Please, please do not do that. Do not egg me on. I just wanted to get it out. I want to be able to read how ridiculous I am being and talk myself down from that bit of maybe that I have let creep into my mind. I don't even think there is any possibility that I am pregnant. I just need my null hypothesis rejected.

15 comments:

Jenni said...

Hello, here from ICLW. I am sorry about the test. I hate those freebies. I can tell you that on more than one ocassion, I have seen the evap line and for a second, trembled with hope. I am wishing you all of the luck in the world.

soapchick said...

I was just coming over to check on you since I hadn't seen an update in Google Reader, but I guess it must just be behind. No false hoping here, just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you and hope you are okay.

Jewels said...

Yeah, so you can understand my frustration when I POAS hoping for a blazing negative (Meaning HCG is gone) and I get one vertical line and one Horizontal line .... HORIZONTAL! WTF, There is NOT supposed to be a Horizontal on these tests.
They are crap.

Sorry hun, for me, sometimes not giving in to any more expenses is my way of feeling control and giving Miss. Hope the finger. She may take my money on Dr. Bills, B/w tests and treatments, but she won’t take my money on HPT's. For me there is an insulting sting to spend so much money on a test that tells me I failed.
So I understand a little on the craziness.

renovationgirl said...

OOo, I am of the group who waits until their beta test just so I can hope for a little while more. When is yours? I'm sorry you're getting messed with...I know the littlest things set off that hope and it totally sucks!!!!

Chelle said...

LET IT ALL OUT!!! That has to be frustrating! Your questions/hypothesis will be answered soon.

Shelli said...

I've trashcan dived after negative HPT's and wished an evap. Sick, I know. We all have those thoughts.

nancy said...

All I can say is you and me? Too alike in this case.

My name is Andy. said...

I'm like you... the negative stuff I can deal with , just don't make me wait!!!

Good luck on your journey

Andrea said...

Here from ICLW...

Thanks for the reassurance that my DH isn't the only one who is clueless! I am so sorry for your BFN. I know just how excited those evaps have made me and then I just get even more depressed when I see the BFN. I even had a cheapie HPT come up with a colored blob over where the test line should have been. Both DH and I thought it was a BFP. I took another one and nothing. So depressing.

I wish you the very best of luck making the decision of using DE!

The Paynes said...

Oh, I hate you are going through all this crap, Amber!

In Due Time said...

Coming over from ICLW...


I have to go to the dollar store for my stock. Poor teenage boys think Im crazy with 10 boxes of test and bags of chocolate, usually.

tonya said...

It's all such a mind-fuck, ain't it? Thinking of you.

seriously? said...

Here from ICLW. Sorry that your test was negative.

Ophelia said...

Every time I get a BFN with a cheapy test, I tell myself that it's only negative because the test is a piece of sh*t and I should still have hope because if I had actually spent $20.00 on good tests, I'd have a BFP... Yeah right! I conned myself into spending tons of money on expensive peesticks this month and all I got were more BFNs...

Ophelia said...

Every time I get a BFN with a cheapy test, I tell myself that it's only negative because the test is a piece of sh*t and I should still have hope because if I had actually spent $20.00 on good tests, I'd have a BFP... Yeah right! I conned myself into spending tons of money on expensive peesticks this month and all I got were more BFNs...