I'm usually pretty good with facing down disappointment. I take it in, accept it and move on. I like to POAS early because it prepares me for disappointment. With each negative I can calculate with increasing accuracy the likelihood that I am or am not pregnant. By Day 13 it's abotu 95% accurate (and in my experience it 100% accurate). I can handle disappointment pretty well; it's the not knowing I can't take. I hate suspense. I hate false hope. I find false hope a weakness. An inability to suck it up and face reality.
Which is why I'm so mad at myself right now. I have this little, tiny, niggling of...maybe. I'm trying to just close my mind off from the possibility but the tests....those damn-free HPT tests. You know the kind that they throw in with the Ovulation Predictor Kits? I used one on Wednesday morning. It was negative. But then I noticed the evaporation line. I know, I know you are never supposed to look at the test after the 3 mins is up. No real color to it but there is a shadow where the line should be. I know it means nothing....but that did not stop me from staring at it all day. It was enough to make me damn my botox injections because I could not squint effectively. It's THAT faint. An evap line is not a pregnancy...especially at 13dpo. But I never have gotten and evap line before without some HCG in my system. But, But, But pthththththth!
I would not have mentioned this at all if not for the shenanigans that were afoot in my bathroom this morning. I had another chance to get that 100% confirmation of negatively before the blood draw, right? Surely, it would be negative and I'd know that all was settled.
I got NO lines. So not only does my urine lack HCG but it now lacks well...urine, I guess. Are you fucking kidding me? A defective test? Seriously? For reals? It was another one of those free-bee's. Serves me right for being such a lazy cheap-ass. I guess it would have been too much effort to go and buy some pregnancy tests. No I'll just use these free ones that have been under my sink for goodness knows how long and have a HCG sensitivity of 50 instead of some good test that have an HCG sensitivity of 25 or less. Having just spent 16K (over 30K since April) on IVf I'm sooo glad I saved myself $20!
What was I thinking not having at least two boxes of FREDs in the house? What kind of self-confessed stick pee-er am I?
I'm not writing about this to get some "there's still hope" comments. Please, please do not do that. Do not egg me on. I just wanted to get it out. I want to be able to read how ridiculous I am being and talk myself down from that bit of maybe that I have let creep into my mind. I don't even think there is any possibility that I am pregnant. I just need my null hypothesis rejected.